Saturday, July 16, 2011

Pile Of Poop

Girls, girls. Catty, ridiculous, jealous girls. There's an entire legion of petty girls who walk the planet and Rachel Reilly is their Commander In Chief. Narcissistic and average with a heaping tablespoon of insecurity, Rachel roams the Earth looking for more likable, prettier girls to squash with her wrinkly talons. She did it with Kristen and now she's doing it all over again with Cassi. There will always be prettier girls. There will always be more talented girls. Most of them, if not all of them, don't give a shit that Rachel Reilly exists cowering in her corner of self-loathing waiting to strike. They're busy being successful. I think it was Kelly Bensimon who said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Well, Rachel Reilly stands in a big ole pile of poop and that Kelly Bensimon is one smart lady. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start this here little bloggy blog with the Have/Have-Not competition. Apparently, it was violent and dangerous as everyone returned looking tore up from the floor up like an Ass Licker on a Friday morning. HG's were examining bruises, clutching their heads and carefully bandaging the burns on their knees. The word on the street is that Rachel puked during the competition and that the players might have been piggy-backed in some way. There was a lot of talk about whether it was better strategy to have the heavier person in the front or in the back. Anyhow, Shelly, Cassi, Dominic and Adam are all Have-Not's. Rachel & Brendon won the competition and, from what I can gather, Brendon may have been able to assign who was a Have-Not. Cassi was unthrilled that even though she and Shelly beat Lawon & Kalia, they were still chosen to be Have-Not's. As for America's Vote, you guys (not me because I never vote for this crap) voted to give the HG's Jellybeans and Jerky. I can't remember what the other choices were, but Jellybeans and Jerky doesn't sound all that bad.

After the washing up was done and the knees were bandaged, it was time for some last minute campaigning before nominations. My favorite conversation had to be between Dominic and Jeff & Jordan. Sitting in the HOH, Dominic lays out every single thought he's ever had in the game up until now. He tells Jeff & Jordan that his real target is Brendon & Rachel and that he knows he's the one everyone is after to get out of the house. Jeff sorts of laughs to himself and says, "You're not the number one target." Instead of being relieved upon hearing this, Dominic is angry and annoyed. He demands to know why he's not the number one target and then cites all the reasons that he should be the number one target. Look, Dominic is an idiot. The way he talks to people and his undeserved arrogance rubs everyone the wrong way and makes him not only untrustworthy, but a little creepy. This kid saw some DVD's of some seasons of Big Brother in his hotel room and now he thinks he has all the answers. He had no idea who Dick was yet he's worked out all the intricacies of Big Brother. Rrrrrrright.

Cassi is called in next and Jordan tells her right off the bat that everyone is throwing her under the bus. Cassi doesn't understand why as all she wants to do is play the game honestly and forego the petty squabbles. Jeff wants to know where Cassi's head is at and she tells them that neither Jeff or Jordan have ever been her targets. Down the line, she'd like to see Brendon and Rachel go because they're intimidating and everyone is scared of them. She doesn't think anyone has the balls to put them on the block. All Cassi wants to do is play the game and not embarrass her family. Jordan and Cassi seem to hit it off and in a roundabout way Jordan lets Cassi know that she is safe for this week.

Jordan gets a feeling in her gut that Dominic isn't someone she wants to keep around for very long so Dominic & Adam have been nominated for eviction. The plan is for Adam to throw the POV and, since the Oldies have the votes, Dominic will be evicted. The effect should be twofold: the Oldies earn Adam's trust and Cassi is left all alone to fend for herself. Daniele is the only Oldie not exactly thrilled with the plan. Like Rachel, she wants Cassi out sooner than later. Not to mention, Daniele has been laying the groundwork with Dominic for a future alliance. Personally, I'm not a Dominic fan and I never have been, but keeping someone so insanely boring and useless like Adam and Kalia in the game drives me up a wall. I'm not happy with the way these evictions are panning out. If Dominic goes this week and Cassi goes next week, then what the hell are we left with?

Save a pimp suit or a glittery kerchief, Lawon has turned out to be a stick in the mud. Kalia can keep telling people that "everything I do or say is calculated", but we all know she's full of hot air. Literally, hot air. Never has a more gaseous girl graced the feeds with her bodily functions. It's depressing. This Golden Key bullshit has completely ruined the game. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was designed for the specific purpose of keeping the Oldies in the game. Whether or not an Oldie is nominated, doesn't matter. One will always be safe and thus last longer in the CBS ratings race. The only way for a season with returning players to be fair and interesting is for the entire cast to be veterans. It levels the playing field and forces scrambling from the word "go". This mixing of old and new is a star killer. I said it with Survivor and I'm saying it again now: bringing in old players prevents the new players from becoming personalities/stars/players in their own right. There is too much preoccupation on the interpersonal dynamic with the veterans and it is a flat out "season killer". Survivor: Redemption Island is a classic example of Oldies ruining a cast of fresh-faced Newbies. No one is allowed to blossom and "asskissing" actually becomes strategy.

I can't help but wonder how much better off we'd be without the Oldies running the game. Of course the Newbies are going to be lesser players and not up to par. They haven't had time to wade through the "figuring out the game" phase. The typical first few weeks are usually fraught with scrambling, deals, alliances, plotting, planning and then as people get to know each other and learn who to trust, savviness flourishes and the smart weed out the weak. I realize this is turning into more of an editorial than a recap, but I'm mad. I'm Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest "Damn mad!"

After nominations, the former HG's sit around and talk about the reactions from the Newbies. Adam seems to be playing his part well as Jordan worries that he's really upset about being on the block. Dominic, on the other hand, seems unphased. He names one of the cameras "Greg" and begins to talk to it about the food competition and how much Adam sucked in it. You see, Dominic, just like Adam, thinks he is safe this week. The only thing he seems worried about is how to play POV this week. Should he throw it so Adam definitely goes home or should he try to win and risk Cassi being put on the block? Cassi tells him to play for himself and not to worry about her.

Up in the HOH, Jordan is explaining her nominations to Daniele. In that flippant "Who cares? I don't care" way of hers, Daniele seems fine with the nominations, but hints that she'd rather get Cassi out instead of Dominic. Jordan doesn't trust Dominic at all, but Daniele has been working on Dominic since Dick left. She tells Jordan that Dominic has no idea what he's doing and is way out of his league whereas Cassi's game is to make everyone believe that she's honest. Jordan genuinely believes that Cassi is honest and we can tell by her wide-eyed surprise that she's dumbfounded with what Daniele is telling her.

Outside, Shelly is in rare form. Up until now, Shelly has been nothing more than the Swiffer Queen playing one hell of a social game, but yesterday we got to see a little bit of Bitch Shelly. She was ripping into Porsche and Rachel with such gusto that even I was impressed. Shelly just can't understand why a guy like Brendon would hook up with a psycho piece of work like Rachel. She finds Rachel nauseating, phony and all around unbearable. The Rachel being jealous of Cassi thing is also not lost on Shelly as she thinks that Porsche is seething with jealousy as well. There's nothing that gets under Shelly's skin like Porsche going around the house telling everyone how she pretty is. Seriously, who does that? I mean, besides Rachel and Porsche. You've got to be a ball of low self esteem to walk into a house full of strangers and announce, "I'm pretty." Like being pretty is going to excuse the wretched human you're about to exhibit yourself to be.

Speaking of Porsche, in a conversation with Dominic in the hammock she lays out exactly just how perfect her life truly is. She's got famous friends, she's living in a loft for $500 a month, she's on Big Brother and there's no doubt in her mind that she'll emerge from the house a superstar. She's oh so blissfully happy. The "psychos", as she calls all the feedsters, will make her famous. Nevermind the fact that she has no talent to speak of, isn't really all that remarkable looking and has a personality that makes people cringe. I have yet to come across a Porsche fan. Do they even exist? Her family and friends don't count. I'm talking about strangers who are only now getting to experience this big breasted ball of ridiculousness. *knocks on screen* Hello? Are you out there? Come out, come out wherever you are. So yeah, Porsche is heinous.

The Rachel/Cassi thing continues to brew and I thought we were going to get a fight last night, but nothing ever really materialized. It'll happen though. I'm just not sure when. You'd think Rachel was Jan Brady with all the exasperated "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" talk she's doing. No joke. The bitch talked about Cassi all day long. She talked about her with Brendon, with Porsche, with Daniele, with Jordan and probably with all of the Koi in the fish tank as well. It's Kristen all over again and you better believe that if Rachel wins HOH, Cassi will be her target.

So, that's it for now. We've got a POV competition today and I'm almost hoping that Shelly & Cassi win and take Dom & Adam off the block. Something needs to happen to stir the pot and it needs to be happen quickly or else we're looking at a summer of Oldies with a smattering of boring Newbies. I'm gathering my hemlock, mugwort and paprika as we speak. This is going to require a complicated spell on my part. If it suddenly starts raining where you are, that's just me fiddling around with some measurements. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Can't stand Porsche. I hope she's the first one out when they stop playing as couples. that hideous pink jumpsuit the only thing she brought to wear for Big Brother? Has it been washed since the season started?

  2. Absolutely LOVE your Bitchy Blog on BB13!!! I agree with you 100%!! I hate this Vets vs Newbies season; its just not fair to the new people who have tried for so long to get on the show to compete with the Veterans!!

    Keep up the good work!!
    Janice from GA

  3. I agree with everything you said! Preach it!!

  4. WOW! You expressed my disgust for this season, BB13, with such eloquence. Thanks and happy blogging.

  5. Houston is in the middle of one of the worst droughts in 50 years and as I read this, it is starting to rain. I agree in that I would love to see an oldie up for eviction, so keep working on your spell, you're almost there!

  6. I agree with you having the veterans in has totally changed the game. I think that Cassi could of been one of the stars if she was not playing with petty and jealous Rachel and Ugly Porche. I do like that Rachel has finally showed her true self. That Rachel that first entered the house was so fake and was not fooling anyone. This is the true her, bad skin, bad teeth and all.

  7. Well, now that we know who the veto players are, I hope Jeff and Jordan win b/c there is a rift starting amongst the vets and Jeff and Jordan winning veto might increase that rift. Fingers crossed.

  8. I wanted to like Dominic. Arrogance is great in a professional wrestler...not in a reality show contestant. I think he's gone.

    Brenchel aint leaving unless a newbie wins HoH SOON and gets Dani on their side.

    I don't like Porsche, I like her key. I like Dani's too. Big Brother is about leverage and votes...right now they have both.

  9. I was all set to agree when I started reading, then you quoted Kelli Bensimon and I couldnt take anything you said seriously after that.

  10. LMAO The quote is from Martin Luther King. The Kelly Bensimon part is the joke.

  11. i only half-ass watch real housewives, AND i knew it was a joke...e-gads and might i add, yikes!
    lala, you surely have ur handsful:)
    and...yipppeee on the soon-to-be fireworks....i am waiting with pocorn and tequilla, keep stirring, ur on to something

  12. Your blog is TEH awesome, as usual. The above person that thought you were actually quoting Kelly Bensimon is a total rah-tard and should punch him/herself in the face.

    No surprise, you hit the nail on the head. Rachel is as whiny and insecure as ever and, once again, she will let her petty jealousy take precedent over strategy. As the vet alliance is beginning to turn in on itself, I am getting super giddy.

  13. I thought it was Kalia who literally puked and was just overly dramatical with the challenge. She's useless. Rachel and Brenda have one strange relationship, co-dependent losers.

  14. Everything you said is just so TRUE, I PRAY that somehow Dom and Cassi survive this week and win HoH for the next 2 weeks!

  15. Ugh! You got it right again! This whole plot against Cassi is just mean girls jealous of a girl who is prettier. That's the great thing about this show is watching the people turn on each other and watching them get paranoid when all of us at home are yelling at the screen because they are idiots and making it all up in their heads. Say whatever you want about Jordan's game play (or lack thereof), she is a nice girl and she is pretty good at reading people. She isn't a mean girl who starts shit for no reason. Jeff/Jordan's conversations in private are usually dead on about what they think of people. Love your blog by the way!

  16. If you know who Kelly Bensimon is you must know that she is incapable of stringing more than 3 words together cohesively. "Put your hair up. It's AL Sharpton" is one of her more famous quotes.
    Lala, I couldn't agree with you more. The Golden Key and the Oldies have totally skewered the game play. I wish it was a season of new gamers.As for Porsche/Pinto she is intolerable. I don't know how she convinced herself she will be a star and a fan favorite. Maybe she'll go the way of Ass Licker and make some porn when she's out of the house. I, too, hope Dominic survives the week along with Cassie. I have no use for Adam or Kalia. Maybe Dom will wise up, play hard for veto and win. Then, after Kalia pisses Jordan off she can be put up and voted off

  17. YES! Dom won POV, so now what Cassie goes home? :-(
    Dani is a hypocrite talking about how Cassie is using Dom to get him to do what she wants.Gee what are YOU trying to do stupid bitch? Yeah he is pussy whipped, so what its called "power of the pussy" don't hate! I also think its funny that certain people claim they want "competitors" in the game yet they only want to keep people that agree to throw comps(roll over and die) and not even try to compete?

    I was am disappointed with BB. Getting picked to go on BB is the equivalent of winning the lottery. Oldies had their chance,now move on! Its unfair. Not only have they played the game before,they have the added bonus of having a loved one in the house with them as well.

    I have to go make dinner......I'll bitch more later

  18. This rerun of a car wreck is almost unwatchable at this point . The people of cbs must cut themselves for fun to think we want to hear the cackle of rachel and the whine of brendon again, and oh wait let's give her a friend that is equally sterilizing .
    As always lala a good read, and i feel sorry for your liver as it must take alot of gin to watch enough to have something to write about ....

  19. I see no reason why Cassi should go home this week. The one thing Jeff and Jordan need to do now is backdoor Brenchel. The simple reason is this... Rachel we are tired of you causing all of the drama in the house, we are tired of your cackle and we want to stay without you putting a target on our backs. There is no old vs new anymore, we are trying to win. Period. With her gone Brendon won't be able to do anything just like last year and then either Cassi or Shelly could win pov and get rid of Kahlia. It's so simple but these people don't think, Jeff doesn't want to change sides... Grow a set Jeff

  20. Interesting comparison: Rachel/Kristen; Rachel/Cassi. Wonder why she tolerates Porsche?

    OMG...quoting Kelly Bensimon?!?! Funny...
    The thing I always remember about her is the way
    she says, "Hi" in that flighty, thin voice. The kind of sound only a dog could hear and appreciate. Oh, and "like". Every other word is "like". I seem to recall Jill Z. called her on that one year.

    Boy, I don't remember the 'throwing the competition" strategy so much in the early days of BB. This seems to have become a big thing in the last few years.