Monday, July 18, 2011

Puppet Master Fairy Killer


The black hole. A region of space in which nothing can escape, not even light. The black hole continues to grow and absorb all of the matter around it. Suck, suck, suck goes the vacuum. Poof, poof, poof goes life. Nothing can exist inside of a black hole. When objects enter they lose all of their recognizable features and are lost forever to the ouside observer. I submit, dear readers, that Jordan Lloyd's brain is an infinite black hole of oblivion - thoughts and ideas go in and nothing but gas and interstellar dust come out. Little burbles of idiocy. Hiccups of insanity. Imbecilic farts. Jordan isn't playing Big Brother for Jordan. She's playing for Rachel Reilly, the merciless leader of the underworld. So when Ms. Really gnarls Jordan's head free from her body, I'll be here watching... with a gin fizzy in my hand. Let's recap, shall we?



We're going to continue our tale of woe up in the HOH room where Cassi, Shelly and Jordan are having a meeting about nominations. Jordan is essentially telling Cassi that her hands are tied and that Cassi will be going on the block. First off, no Jordan. Your hands are not tied. Your brain stem might be - in a complicated nautical sort of a knot - but your hands surely aren't. Stop saying you want Cassi to stay and just go ahead and make Cassi stay. YOU have the power princess. If Brendon & Rachel scare you so goddamn much, then put up Kalia and Lawon and start building your own alliance. While getting out Brendon or Rachel would be a killer move that will forever change the face of the game, I'm happy to settle for the less appealing option #2 of Kalia and Lawon. Sure, I like Cassi and I want her stay, but what disappoints me the most is how you're letting Rachel run your HOH. Yes, my little butter ball, you are not HOH anymore. Rachel is. Isn't that miraculous?! For two weeks in a row Rachel has dictated every move the house has made. Congratulations Jordan! It takes a special sort of girl to have someone you hate constantly yanking at your puppet strings.



So the conversation in the HOH is everything we've already heard before... over and over again. Jordan wants Cassi to stay. She likes Cassi. She really wanted Dominic out. All the girls are jealous of Cassi. She really likes having Cassi around. Cassi is so pretty, but that's not the reason she's going on the block (Yes it is! It's Rachel's reason!). Cassi starts to tear up. She tells Jordan that she didn't even get a chance to play in the POV. Jordan feels bad. Shelly scratches her balls. And round and round we go.

Eventually, the topic of Kalia and Lawon come up. Jordan's reason for not wanting to put them up is because "they're not good" in competitions. That's it. That's all she can come up with. Cassi retorts by asking Jordan what would happen if the tables were turned. What if Rachel was HOH right now and, let's say, Jordan wanted someone out of the house? Would Rachel listen to her and do her bidding? Jordan says no and then begins to play with her hair. Cassi just perfectly illustrated how Rachel is controlling Jordan's every move and Jordan just doesn't get it. She'll never get it. Having a brain of marshmallow fluff doesn't leave one with much to work with.



Now, I'm not entirely biased here. Cassi should have pushed harder. If the Brendon & Rachel thing is definitely not an option for Jordan, then Cassi (and Shelly) needed to push and push and push for Kalia & Lawon to go on the block. Throwing in one sentence or one suggestion doesn't work with Jordan. Like I said in my opening paragraph, Jordan is a black hole of idiocy. You've got to rinse and repeat with this one. You've got to keep talking and talking and use a lot of one syllable words that are easy for her to digest. Cassi never once brought up forming an alliance with Jeff & Jordan. All she said was that if she stays and wins HOH, then she'll be going after Rachel. That's all fine and good, but how does that help Jordan? I realize Cassi has only seen DVD's of the CBS show, but I wish she understood the art of the deal a little better.

Cassi & Shelly leave and Jeff enters. Jordan recaps the entire conversation for Jeff and he genuiniely feels bad for Cassi. He's proud of Jordan for handling the conversation all on her own, but he's also furious that Cassi has to go home while Rachel gets to keep her lapdog Porsche. UGHHHH!!!! Watching these two talk is like watching an Abbot & Costello routine. Jeff wants Cassi like Rachel wanted Porsche. Well then, JUST DO IT. Keep Cassi, get rid of Kalia or Lawon and there you go. The Oldies alliance won't implode. Sure, Rachel will be pissed off, but when is Rachel not pissed off? I'm completely floored that these two are letting the one person, whom they both loathe by the way, run their HOH. Why not just let Rachel wash Jeff's balls, Jordan? You're letting her run everything else in your life. Your "boyfriend" is the next logical step.



Next, Rachel enters. Wearing a muumuu, a giant straw hat and Envy by Gucci, she sashays in and innocently asks what's up. Shut up. Shut. Up. You want to know what's up? You're getting everything you ever wanted. That's what's up. You've got a crouton for an HOH and the entire house is scared of you. And as jealousy always brings out the inner heinous in someone, you're looking pretty rough this week Maude. Pasty, sallow, covered in zits. You're the personification of the hatred that resides within.



Rachel leaves and now it's Dominic's turn. After a failed attempt to murder Dominic, Jeff & Jordan ask him what he would do if he was in their shoes. Dominic says he'd split up Brendon & Rachel sooner than later, but at the same time he doesn't really seem all that concerned with Cassi leaving the house. He's more concerned with Adam winning future quizzes. They discuss how much they hate Porsche and that as soon as the Golden Keys are over, she needs to be the first one out so she doesn't go to Jury. The conversation ends with Dominic agreeing to put Kalia & Lawon on the block if he wins HOH. If they win a POV, he'll then put up Brendon & Rachel. I hope he's lying. I hope he puts up or backdoors Jeff & Jordan. They deserve it for the colossal fuck up they're making this week.



As the evening progresses, the angrier Cassi gets. She calls Rachel a "firecrotch" (unfortunately not to her face) and toys with the idea of making Rachel cry before she leaves the house. Her blood begins to boil and feedsters knew that something miraculous was about to happen. It's what we live for - the fights. Lovely, beautious, extension yanking, insult hurling fights. When the Houseguests finally let down their guards and let it rip, it's as if a dainty little fairy sits on your lap and giggles. She's delicate and perfect and the fact that she loves to see the spit fly as much as you do makes you want invent tiny little posies to lay upon her head. I'm going to name my new fairy friend, Nettle Rainbowtree because that's what the Fairy Name Generator said my fairy name should be and who am I to question science?



So there Nettle Rainbowtree and I sat when Cassi and Rachel met in the Have-Not Room to have a little talk. Rachel is angry that Cassi said shit about Porsche - which as we all saw last night on the CBS show is a TOTAL LIE. Cassi didn't say a damn thing about Porsche. Rachel was just looking for ammunition and since she couldn't find any, she made some up instead. Cassi tells Rachel that she's never lied to her and the second she sees the footage from the house she'll finally understand just how wrong she was about everything. Rachel then proceeds to call Cassi both a ringleader and a floater. Now, I'm not a wizard or a doctor, but how can that be? How can someone be both a floater and a ringleader? My basement laboratory is rudimentary at best, but the floater/ringleader equations keep equaling "cow dung".



Rachel continues to hurl accusations at Cassi. Silly, baseless accusations that amount to nothing more than an ugly girl hating her station in life. She addresses Cassi as "you guys" and Cassi asks, "Who's 'you guys'? I'm playing for myself." Rachel licks her face with her lizard tongue and replies, "Well, you're acting like you're 12!" Cassi just sort of smirks as the realization that she's arguing with a couch cushion becomes clearer and clearer to her. Rachel continues by accusing Cassi of kissing Jordan's ass the second she became HOH. Cassi says she's been friendly with Jordan all along. Rachel then saw a fly buzzing in the corner of the room and ate it.

Cassi switches gears a little bit and goes in for the kill. She tells Rachel that the others in the house are saying that Rachel has a difficult time getting along with females. Nettle Rainbowtree erupted into a high pitched giggle fest and I had to cover her mouth with piece of dental floss so I could hear what was going on. Rachel gasped and sputtered and finally spewed out, "You just insulted my character!" That did it. The idea that Rachel has "character" coupled with the fact that I tied the floss a little too tight killed my precious Nettle Rainbowtree. She just sort of spontaneously combusted and now all that's left it a tiny pink spot of glitter dust on my pants. Damn you Rachel Reilly. You'll burn in hell for that.



The conversation ends with Cassi walking out on Rachel because trying to talk to Rachel is like talking to a curtain rod. It's a gigantic waste of time. Rachel, on the other hand, changes her clothes, puts on her crying face and marches up to the HOH to bawl about that manipulative bitch Cassi. *smiles to self* Cassi-1, Rachel-0. Remember how Cassi said she wanted to make Rachel cry before she left the house. Well, voila! Mission accomplished.



Rachel went to the HOH seeking sympathy and understanding. Instead she got reprimanded by Jordan (of all people) for her behavior in the house. Jordan tells Rachel that she can't keep acting bitchy, she can't keep getting emotional and that she's jeopardizing everyone's alliances in the house. Rachel moans and says, "But Cassi wants to backdoor you!" Lies, lies, all lies. Jordan continues telling Rachel how important it is for her to keep her shit together and Rachel continues to snot about Cassi saying shit about Porsche. Again, curtain rod. Completely useless. The conversation continues it's nauseating back and forth scold/whine/scold/whine. Rachel whimpers that she's always the villain. The ghost of Nettle Rainbowtree threw a tiny tomato at the screen and nothing was really ever accomplished. The only reprieve we got was when Daniele entered, saw Rachel crying and said in an exasperated voice, "What's wrong now?"



Meanwhile, outside Cassi is recapping a much more accurate version of the Rachel convo with Jeff. Cassi says she knows that she's going home, but it sucks that someone as ugly on the inside as Rachel gets to stay in the house. Jeff says that nothing is decided yet. Cassi replies, "I think I just sealed it." Jeff responds, "You could have just saved it." Right there is where Cassi should have made her case again and pushed Jeff to not let someone like Rachel get her way. Getting Jeff & Jordan to put up Brendon & Rachel might be futile at this point, but the Kalia/Lawon option is still a card Cassi can play. She needs to keep pushing and pushing Jeff & Jordan to not let Rachel dictate their HOH. Time is running out unless a miracle happens, Rachel will get her way again just like she did with Kristen. The beast needs to be stopped! Why don't these numbskulls see that?

So, that's where we're at. It looks like Shelly & Cassi will be nominated today and unless Shelly has sex with Brendon in the next 72 hours, Cassi will be going home. It's a pity Jordan can't think for herself. I would have given her a break had she shown some chutzpah and not let Rachel be HOH. At this rate, Rachel will be HOH until the end of time. Good luck with that Houseguests. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


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28 comments:

  1. I'm a Jeff and Jordan fan, but I agree with you about Jordan's HOH this week. If she would only put Brenchel up on the block and push to evict Brendon, Rachel (who is already on slop for the next two weeks) would be rendered useless at least until after the couples split. Also, with Brendon gone, Jeff would be more likely to win a physical or endurance comp and get HOH. He could then boot poor little Rachel out on her behind.

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  2. Rachel isn't running Jordan's HOH Dani is running ALL four of them!

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  3. Is this a big deal ?? What could happen to Jordon if so?

    from Hamsterwatch on Twitter:

    splashroy Roy @CBSBigBrother #bb13 HoH Violation! Flashback Jordan tells Shelly/Cassi they're being Nomed Jul 17 2:24pm Cam2

    splashroy Roy @CBSBigBrother #bb13 HoH Violation! Flashback Jordan tells Shelly/Cassi they're being Nomed Jul 17 2:24pm Cam2

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  4. I look at this game the same way you do. Rachel needs to go... now. Jordan will not do it though even if they made a deal with everyone she still wouldn't do it. How can someone this stupid have previously won this game?

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  5. LOL so many subtle comments just make me laugh out loud. Rachel is play exactly the same way as last year and its sickening. We are losing one of the more interesting newbies way too early IMO. I like Cassi and she doesn't need to be going out 2nd week. Everyone in the house needs to have a meeting while Bren/Rach are screwing, and tell Jordan that if she backdoors Rachel, the house will celebrate, create a holiday in her honor, and feed her grapes and lick her feet whenever she wishes. Anyway, great blog as always! Oh and my fairy name is Petal Elfshimmer..

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  6. Bitch! Petal Elfshimmer is awesome.

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  7. @ 1:00 Anon: Last season Brendon told Britney he was going to nom her; immediately afterwards he was called to DR, came out mumbling and in the end put someone else on the block. HoH is allegedly prohibited from telling someone they're going to be nominated before the ceremony. It would be tasty if Rachel...er, Jordon couldn't put Cassi and Shelby up. Of course, AG's notorious for playing fast and easy with the rules if they interfere with her plans. If she wants Cassi to stay for the potential drama, she'll enforce them.

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  8. Hey Jimmy... thanks for the heads up !!

    BB needs a REAL drama because so far it's been too much bitchen n moaning...

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  9. @Jimmy Rhythm
    I didn't know about the rule!
    I hope this is the case as well. Or I bet if production wanted they could "strongly suggest" that Jj nominate the two headed beast. I would love to see the look on ducklips face. OMG it would eat her up inside knowing papa Brendon is in the house with cuter girls.

    In the very least I hope Cassie gets $$ and is Americas favorite (or some kind of prize)OR BB keeps Cassie in their back pocket (Pandora's box style) only to have her reemerge during the final 5 or something ..oh there are lots or ways BB can bring Cass back into the fold if there is enough of an uproar by the viwers.

    Great blog, more polls!

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  10. YAY!! Fight fight! I love when BBAD is filled with drama and intrigue. Jordan lecturing Rachel was the best. She basically said, "Well, you are a bitch." LOL! Love it. Down with Big Red.

    I have a glimmer of hope that J&J will see their golden opportunity and deliver. Now is the time y'all. NOW is the time.

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  11. I want to generate lots of fairies, name them all Jordan and Rachel and squish them to death.

    That is all.

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  12. Jordon's game is purely social, Rachel's game is purely competitions, Dani's game is both and she is running everything in the vets alliance. She wanted Dom to herself and planted the seed in Rachel's ear and Rachel ran with it. Dani is positioning herself to hide behind the beast that is Brenchel as well as sit beside Rachel in the end because she thinks she will get the votes (in my opinion). If the newbies don't win something soon this season is going to be a bust.

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  13. I loved it when Cassi hit Rachoe right between the eyes with the truth and actually silenced her for a full half hour (a new world record for spoiled beotches). My new favorite Big Brother quote of all time was uttered by Rachoe in the middle of her cryfest with Jordan. She said that Cassi was evil and that, "she used all of my weaknesses against me." True 'nuff.

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  14. It was great to see some drama last night. Unfortunately, I think Cassi will be going home, b/c Jordan is too spineless to do anything else. I was laughing my ass off that Rachel went to Jordan to cry and complain, and all she got was a talking to.

    Apparently my fairy name is Gossamer Willowfly who lives in "spiderwebbed wonderlands". Iiiiiinteresting.

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  15. omg... say this is true !!

    splashroy Roy Jordan got spanked in DR for rule violation!!! Cassi/Shelly NOT nom'd! Brendon/Rachel now the noms!!! WHOOHOOOO #BB13 #cbsbigbrother

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  16. Just one question? When is Nettle's wake? I might be able to make it.
    Oh, and this morning on the feeds Brendon shows his ass while Cassi was trying to have a "normal, clear the air" conversation and after he storms off, he immediately goes into Rachel and starts his nagging about how she needs to avoid controversy. What a dick.

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  17. oh for pete's sake... this is a farce... sorry !

    splashroy Roy Jordan got spanked in DR for rule violation!!! Cassi/Shelly NOT nom'd! Brendon/Rachel now the noms!!! WHOOHOOOO #BB13 #cbsbigbrother

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  18. This blog entry is seriously a work of art. I watched the entire thing myself, and the way you have twisted every last event (right down to Danielle's "What's wrong now?") to be some vicarious hatred that equals your own is . . masterful. Then, to call the target of your own seething hatred the "personification of the hatred within", thus removing accountability on your part for your own "ugly on the inside." This post is over-emotional pretzel logic at its absolute finest. Kudos to you.

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  19. Okay, let's have a poll to see which family member is weighing in. Wouldn't that be fun??? We all think your writings are works of art too!

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  20. "The whinny, annoyingly, obnoxious fish-lipped, red-headed titty-baby & her pepper-headed dumb-dolt of-a-mate both need to go, pronto!" They both sucketh big-time!

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  21. No Mistake,
    The mistake would be if JJ put up RB.
    (1) its too early to stir the pot
    (2) BR puts a huge target on their back taking it off of JJs
    (3) if they put up BR that means the next week if J doesn't win the newbs will put up JJ
    (4) BR will do most of the dirty work for the alliance
    (5) BR are not targeting JJ, as of yet, and by the time JJ is a target im sure a newb will take out one of them.

    Overall it makes no sense to take out BR with their veto, its better to take out a newb will will surely come after them.

    CASSI IS ONLY AS INTERESTING AS RACHEL MAKES HER
    the only reason cassi is interesting is because of rachel, once she is gone the next interesting person will be the new person fighting with RACHEL, it will happen it always does, and that will be the new underdog, so i wouldnt worry about cassi leaving leave it to the next rachel hater to stir up interest.

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  22. Anon 7:49: You make some very interesting points. 1st ~ they take a big target away if the evict/break up BR & 2nd ~ there WILL be another hater in Rachel's world.
    Good post. I feel better about Cassi leaving.

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  23. I thought Cass was an interesting newbie before the hate fest. I think ducklips will further alien ate herself from the others when she starts talking smack about Cassie after she is evicted from the house. At this point I hope a newbie wins( minus car cunt) . I hate how BB edited the show making Cass look like the cunt.

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  24. I'm Gossamer Willowfly.

    And GW is super bummed that J/J have no balls. NO BALLS. *sigh* Rachel's gonna win isn't she?

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  25. Hey Collete ... I hope you're going to write another one of your very entertaining columns.

    I was looking forward to Big Brother this summer but now that I see it's redux w/a little shooting fish in barrels, I was ready to pack it in until I found your blog.

    Seriously disappointed in CBS for the lack of sanctions against Jeff for his racist rant and Jordan for telling Cassi and Shelly they were going up on the block.

    And, in case CBS is reading your blog... the oldies injected into the new show sucks...

    Susan

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  26. If CBS was going to find 6 or 7 idiots and bring in a few more idiots who were vets up against Rachel, they might as well of just given her $500,000 dollars so she'd stay out of this season, and big brother forever. I hope they bring Ragan into the game for one day like they did with Rachel last year just so Ragan can bitch slap her like he do oh so beautifully on that day. Here's hoping Rachel cries a few more times, but hopefully next time for real.

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  27. I saw a movie the other night called "Ticked off Trannies with Knifes." and died laughing when I saw that Rachel was the start of this movie hahahahah. Now that I know the truth about her/him I can see the man in her. She needs to go home!! Jordon should have back door Brenden and Rachel. That would have been BB history; oh well. I will say this though if Rachel wins BB this season I will never watch another episode.

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