Friday, August 5, 2011

Bun Dusters

The giant lurchy hunched over king of the toe people has left the building and a miserable lip furling crimson haired soppy mess is left behind. Oh cruel and unfeeling world! To separate young love so callously, to rip the codependents from one another's arms, to keep nimble fingers and hands busy lowering a webcam just so... bless you heartless orb. Spinning through space with a mind of your own you often seem so impersonal, so cold. Today, you've shown us love. You can feel. Like William Shakespeare or Ramona Singer once said, "The earth has music for those who listen." Well, I'm listening Billy Boy and it sounds oh so sweet. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and never in my life would I have imagined I would be so happy about it. The house, like the fans, is decidedly split and I'm going to firmly take my stance on the side of Daniele Donato. She's not infalllible by any means. She's simply the lesser of many evils. I can't stand the whiny bullshit and the "blah blah blah's" make me want to stick my head into a vat of sulfuric acid, but she's better than Rachel. My god, she's better than Rachel.

So Brendon is gone and Rachel has an awful case of sads. Boo hoo hoo. Lick it up baby, lick it up. Wallow in your misery and get comfortable pumpkin. No one likes you. No one is rooting for you. The true measure of a woman is how she acts both when she wins and when she loses. When Rachel wins, she's an arrogant holier than thou asshole. When she loses, she blubbers and plays the victim. She blames the other Houseguests. She blames CBS. She blames everyone but herself. How can I root for someone like that? How can anyone root for someone like that? True to form, last night Rachel cried and insisted that CBS has rigged the competition in Dani's favor. Then again, she also thinks CBS rigged it for her to win and she accidentally screwed up. Look, I love myself a conspiracy theory and I do think that the POV player chips are rigged, but if anything was rigged last night - it was rigged in Rachel's favor. She's always done well in that particular competition. You have only you to blame Big Red so let the thick salty tequila tears stream down your face while none of us, NONE OF US, care.

As if this wasn't bad enough, Rachel launches into her "floater" rant. He's a floater, she's a floater, you're a floater, everyone everywhere (but Rachel) is a floater. Normally, I'm a big fan of f-words, but this floater business is a little out of control. A floater is someone who bounces back and forth from side to side of the house. They switch loyalties. They go where the power goes. The only floaters in this game up until now are Adam and Rachel. Adam has been, and always will be, a floater. Rachel floated last week when she wanted to rekindle her alliance with Daniele. To call Lawon and Kalia floaters anymore is to simply tell a bold faced lie. Lawon and Kalia have chosen their sides. As a matter of fact, Lawon chose his side well before Kalia chose hers. Just because someone isn't playing with you, Rachel, doesn't make them a floater. It makes them smart and intuitive and rational. We should make up a term for somone who willingly chooses to play with Rachel in the game of Big Brother. What could we call them? How about "Bun Dusters" or "Crumb Gobblers"? I don't know. Let me know. I'm sure we can think of something.

So there Rachel sat, crying and crying and crying. Jordan tried to cheer her up saying it's only 6 weeks until she can be reunited with her Frankensteinian boyfriend, but do you have any idea how many innocent women can find a penis in their email in 6 long weeks? A penis on the hour every hour comes to 1008 penises. That's a lot of dick! Furthermore, Jordan has been hanging out with Brenchel wayyyy too long. She's indulging Rachel in her "us v. them" bullshit and it's dulling her usually shiny happy dingbat veneer. Jordan is a nice girl, but you can't tell me that she doesn't see the ridiculousness in all of this? I mean, I know she's a little dim, but come on! Even Jeff looks at all the Brenchel bullshit with a roll of his eyes.

While Rachel cried and sizzled the sheets with her battery acid tears, Adam was in another room also crying. Yes, Adam. You see, this week is Adam's birthday and he really wanted to be HOH for it. He's also upset that he completely sucks at challenges and hasn't even come close to winning one. Well, I won't argue with you there Adam. I could maybe feel sympathy if you weren't such an awfully awful douchebag. That little dance you did last night? For crying out loud, it even made Julie uncomfortable! It wasn't funny and it wasn't cute. It was you mugging it up for the cameras again and contributing zero to the game at hand. To make matters worse, in between all the blubbering Adam whined about wanting a Tori Spelling birthday cake so he could eat chunks of her face. You know what? I'll bet you $1000 that Adam thinks CBS is scrambling behind the scenes to deliver him Tori Spelling in the backyard as a birthday present. I guarantee that's what he does all day. Instead of socializing and playing the game, he sits around and thinks CBS is planning amazingly wonderful 90210 surprises for the unlovable teddy bear. It's gross and it's transparent. To add insult to injury, I can see Adam easily squeezing through to the final four. If Rachel was really on an anti-floating campaign, she would have targeted Adam a loooooong time ago. Oh well Rachel -you snoooze, you lose.

What else? What else? Oh yeah Porsche cried too. It's dawning on her that Brendon, Rachel, Jeff & Jordan have been using her (ya think?) and she doesn't understand why Rachel keeps shooting her devil looks. Those aren't devil looks, Porsche. That's just her face. Porsche explains that she voted to keep Brendon in the game and she should be thanked not ostricized. Eh, Rachel is wrapped up in Rachel right now. She's too busy worrying if Brendon will figure out how to reconnect his Skype account than to worry about how Porsche is feeling. Could Porsche jump ship and join Dani's army? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. I hope so. Let's all kick Rachel while she down, right? *kicks a burgundy colored pillow until the stuffing oozes out*

Now let's talk a little bit about Coyote Ugly. Shelly's outfit was so Maria Bello last night. I couldn't wait for her to yell at the screaming frat boys and dump ice on their heads. Anyhow, Coyote Ugly knows she's in a tough spot. She teamed up with the Oldies earlier, but after Rachel's "f-bomb" last night on live TV, Shelly is a little more than mildly disgusted. I don't think she's disgusted enough to completely bail and join Dani, but I also don't think she'd miss Rachel if she were to suddenly disappear. Shady Shelly is a little nervous and you can tell. Her ass kissing is working overtime and the rent is due tomorrow. She didn't run to console Rachel. Instead, she hung out with Kalia and Dani. She mingled with Porsche. She put in a little face time with Adam. She's telling everyone to go ahead and be happy for their achievements. Celebrate! Cavort! Be proud! She'll support all the winners and hopefully, one day, she'll get to see her precious Josie. Girlfriend is working hard for the money and it'll be interesting to see if she talks herself right into a nomination.

Kalia gets her HOH room and it's basically a bunch of uninterested people watching a motormouth valley girl cry herself to kingdom come. Kalia opens her HOH door and completely loses her shit. Maybe it was all the macaroni and cheese in her fridge. I have no idea. There was a photo of her boyfriend that shocked everyone. Jordan thought he'd be preppy, but apparently he wasn't. Since I didn't catch it, I'll assume he looks exactly like the gentleman in the above photo. *flashes gang sign and bangs on chest*

Kalia reads her letter and it's a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo from some lady named Mamushka. Since I didn't see a photo of Mamushka, I will naturally assume she is the spitting of the woman in the above photo. She probably makes a mean borscht and doesn't take any lip from anybody. Mamushka for the win.

The night ends with Rachel trying to make a deal with Kalia. She says if Kalia doesn't nominate her this week, then Rachel won't go after her Italicnext week. It's probably true as I think Rachel has more of a vendetta with Daniele than she does Kalia. Kalia refuses to give Rachel a definitive answer and keeps saying that she doesn't know what she's going to do yet. Rachel congratulates her repeatedly and tells her she should proud of herself for taking out as many Oldies as she did. It's a thinly veiled insult wrapped in kiss assness and I'm pretty sure Kalia isn't falling for it. But, who knows? Kalia suffers a little bit from the Brenchel Bravado. She likes to gloat when she wins so any and all compliments coming her way are probably embraced and then eaten... whole.

I'm going to end this here as my car is finally ready and I've got to go pick it up. I expect the entire house to visit Kalia in the HOH before nominations and lots of incessant rambling from both Kalia's ass and mouth. It'll be interesting to see who she nominates along with Rachel. Will it be Jeff? Shelly? Jordan as a pawn? We'll see. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Crusty Jugglers.

    Anyone who has that much affection for Tori Spelling must die. It's people like him that keep her and that dullard husband of hers churning out ridiculous reality shows. Epic Fail.

  2. If People who are against Rachel are "Floaters" perhaps we can call the ones who are loyal "Anchors." Instead of "Grab a life vest!" we could say, "Take a DEEP breath!" because they're goin' down fast!

  3. My guess is Kalia will nominate Rachel and Porsche. I'd be happy with that ;)

    Wouldn't it be great if Rachel was voted out and America voted back Brendon - and then Brendon totally throws the "return to the House" competition so Rachel could return? Ha ha - Allison would be so PISSED

  4. Great.

    Now lets see if Kalia can do one more thing right & get rid of another arrogant vet. Also, would be nice if Calia came back just to REALLY stick it to "Bragger when I win,Crybaby when I lose" Rachel,... but, have a feeling most folks'll vote Dani's boy-toy back in.

    ,...And yeah, Adam's whole "Tori Spelling/Bacon-Rants/Playin'-To-The-Cameras" shtick is pretty lame & getting more obnoxious.

  5. What should we call Rachel's followers?
    First word that popped into my head was insane. Not colorful but appropriate.
    Onto the blog: My god girl you have balls! LOL Gigantic orbs that ooze gin. No one causes you to sway from your stand. I love it! Keep it up.

  6. commical --> Rachel thinks Kalia buys the sudden friendship thang ? NOT ... Surprised Kalia didn't laugh her out of the HOH room !

    Pleased as punch that Kalia won! Hoping Porche joins Dani, Lawon, Kalia alliance.

    And, above all I hope they shun psycho Shelly...

  7. Whoops! Meant to say, hope Cassi is voted back in the house,.... that'll really put Ol' Red over the edge loony-tunes nutso!!!

  8. I can’t tell you how happy I am that the walking vagina has left the building, but I think the non-biker/camera whore will last longer than people think, which makes me sad. Miss. Piggy will only stop eating long enough to put up nominations which could go in any direction as she appears to be missing at least half a brain, and the carb/sugar high is going to make her loopy. The leather handbag will continue to collect dust bunnies and mug for posters to show kids why we shouldn’t smoke, do meth, or fake tan for 30 years. I would like to see leatherface and the car go up, and then take one off and backdoor the red headed Botox nightmare. Her fake tantrums are getting so bad my eyes and ears bleed when she gets air time. JJ will get chucked sooner or later so they can spend the rest of the summer together by a pool without cameras, and Lawon will continue to speak in his yet to be discovered language. I’m still team Dani, unless they bring back the virgin, but I would still like to see Cassie back because ass-flapper will lose her mind. In a nutshell… The only good thing about this season is the god awful outfits Julie is throwing down

  9. i miss sparkly Julie...MORE SPARKLES!!! anyone seen Dead Set? This needs to happen soon....

  10. Great blog today. I agree with practically everything you say, except I would put Porsche in with the floaters. As soon as power was on the other side she started floating her way right over there. Other than that I think the word "floater" should be stricken from the Big Brother vernacular. I don't know. I can't take this guy. I'm not sure what casting was thinking. If you wanna put a superfan in it will only work if they are evil. How can a person be so happy defining themselves with so little? Someone really needs to take him aside and show him how he needs to get a life...the sad part is everyone he knows will probably praise him and he'll never know what a tool he is.

  11. Anyone else think it was funny that Brendon said something about Rachel being his BB wife. Lol you know that they thought there "wedding" was part of the show. Haha haha everyone HATES them that much that they didn't even so a snip bitch of it

  12. Thanks CBS for not showing their sack of shit "wedding "

  13. Ok, I just finished reading feed stuff and your blog.

    Porsche is a grade a moron. Getting that golden key made her lazy and more ignorant. She has no one to play with and nothing to contribute to anyone else. She is the actual defintion of floater. Ironically, Rachel's talking to her.

    Kalia is going to nom Jeff and Rachel One of them will win veto because everyone else in the house is pathetic. Cassi is probably getting the votes to come back. Normally I wouldnt cheer for someone to come back into the house, but the Liv Wilde lookalike might do some damage with no Jeff and/or no rachel.

    This is a bad season for two reasons: Rachel and Rachel. She sucks the life out of every room and situation.

    I am taking this dumb crap too seriously. You can yell at me now.

  14. You had me at the quote from Heathers...

    I don't know if Big Red's making it til Thursday. I see another mental breakdown in her future and without the Neanderthal to talk her off the ledge she may finally be done.

    Snaps to Kalia for winning. She killed that competition.

  15. @ lancemyblog: I'm yelling at ya! LOL Yes, bad season.
    @ alli: Yes, she did kill that comp. So surprised. And she didn't even stop to snack.

    Okay, after listening here and there tonight, I'm frustrated that J&J have sunk into Rachel's pit, her mindset. I thought the game was theirs to lose and they did, lose that is. Tonight they mirrored Rachel and I'm kind of sad about it. Oh well, there are few to cheer for this season so what the hell.

  16. OMG, Shelly just said she wasn't a "yes man" to Jeff. Uh, does she not understand what that is? Jeez, and she's calling other people "not normal"! Right.

  17. (Post last anon comment re: Shelly) And that comment about NOT being a "yes-man" was directly after her crying, sobbing to Jeff about how she had done anything and everything in her power to get the two of them to the end, meaning Jeff and Jordan! Wow, that seems a little more intense than even a "yes-man," more like a "martyr-man," no?? Ugh. Please bring Cassie baaaaaaaacccckkkk! (please)

  18. Look, I know I'm writing to a hostile room here, but I am really quite surprised about all the crap people say about Kalia. At the root of it, it seems like it is because she's seen as fat, yet she eats a lot. But all of them eat a lot, A LOT, and all the time too. I read also that she won't stop talking. Well, would you really, and thank god, I hope, it can not happen again, rather hear more Brenchel conversations? Or JJ's? I mean the most excited Jordan has gotten was when she was talking about a car wash that was near her house. Really? Really? Or how about listening to the crickets because Adam is awfully close to being furniture as far as I can tell. And he's fat, btw. But it's somehow allright for huys to be fat--even be comic superstars fat, and ugly too. I know it just is, so fighting its unfairness is pointless. Dani is awfully negative when she talks, which, although I have to be all for her at this point, I don't like that. Kalia is almost exclusively a positive influence, even if you are uninterested in what she's saying. For me, I'm not irritated about what she goes on about mostly, 'cause it seems like what most conversations that I have with my friends are about. And then there's Shelly. Puh-lease! You're all suckers that still think she's not a bat-shit-crazy snake in the grass--and if you have SHO then you know I am speaking actually literally on that one! She slithered right up under Brenchel and actually seemed not to hear all the shit they were giving everyone, including her!! But hearing all her positisms or whatever you would call it, makes me ill because it is soooooo seemingly ungeniune. And worse than that, even though it seems so, I'm pretty sure it is actually genuine. Yick. Oh, and Lawon.... Umm.... Do we want to hear him talking? He's doing that thing where he just repeats the same thing over and over and then adds drama, as if that makes it more interesting or important. I like him fine, but I don't prefer to listen to him. So, think a little. Is Kalia's meandering conversation really so bad? And I know people will say that the overweight thing really isn't part of it, but I really think it is. And for black chicks, btw, she's actually rather slim! Not everyone wants to do it with a skeleton, you know.

    Oh, gawd, Shelly again talking about, again, that her "husband is the boss at home". I think that explains a little bit about her seemingly total commitment to Jeff, as she is programmed to "treat man as boss" over her, or women in general, I guess. And Jeff talking about how he's trying to play a "good game" so that "good people like Jordan" can win?? Jeff thinks he's being "good"? Really? He's got a few things to answer for when he leaves, that's going to surprise him a little I think. Having said that, I do think that Jordan is a good person, and until she lets Jeff "help her" to think and feel as he would prefer, which he seems good at, she still, vapidly stupid as she is, rates to me as good. Not that I want her to win, she did that already once, but I'm just sayin', she is being pretty good, but Jeff, not so much.

    Anyway, my two cents, or rather a dollar and a half, for what it's worth! Please disagree if you like, I'm just saying that it seems like Kalia is getting an unfair shake. But I don't have the feeds, so....

  19. I like Kalia. She's funny. As for Brenchel.... God Speed you self righteous, sanctimonius twits.

  20. I am not sure which one I cannot stand more ... Rachel or Shelley ... Rachel is so whiny and Shelley is just an overt liar while claiming to be Mrs. Wonderful! I think they both suck! Dani, Kalia and Lawon deserve to be in the house more than anyone else right now. I liked Jeff and Jordan until Jordan got so over zealous last week. It is not like her, nor does it suit her. Just enjoy your summer with Jeff and be silly and funny ... don't do anything else.