Sunday, July 31, 2011
One Flew Over The Rachel's Nest
Yesterday on Swamp People, the planet Earth shriveled up into a tiny raisin because a mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant named Kalia sucked up all the air, all the words, all the atoms and left us in the state we find ourselves today. If only we had the foresight to hook her up to a generator. Her incessant talking could have saved us instead of killed us. The energy crisis would be over and the corpses that line the streets would be full of life instead of rotting and covered in maggots. When Kalia speaks, PEOPLE DIE. She says "Hello" and an innocent woman in a grocery store falls over dead in a pile of legumes. Her words have power - tiny little vicious shards of deadly power. To any survivors left: plug your ears with whatever you can find; tampons, cotton balls, hot wheels, raisins. Do it now and meet me under the clocktower at noon. I found a t-shirt gun in an abandoned warehouse and I've filled it with potato chips. It's our only line of defense. Let's recap, shall we?
It was a slow and lazy morning. These assholes insist on staying up all night so, of course, they like to sleep all morning. Except for Shelly. Steel wool for hands, bathtub brushes for feet Shelly. There's grime to tackle and hard water stains to fight. Shelly to the rescue! So anyhow, the POV players were finally picked (Daniele, Brendon, Rachel, Porsche, Adam, Jeff) and Kalia began her assault on the world. Like me, Kalia thinks the bag o'names is rigged. She thinks it's highly suspicious that her name wasn't pulled while I think it's a little strange she can stick an entire turkey in her mouth. *shrugs shoulders* To each her own.
Daniele chose Lawon to be our Kapowlicious host and right then and there we knew it would be a looooooong POV competition. Lawon isn't a dumb guy, he's just unaware. He's unaware of his surroundings. He's unaware there's a game going on. He's unaware of his shoes. It's ok though. We forgive Lawon his shortcomings because we know he's not a bad guy. He's not malicious and he's not unbearable. He's just a man with an exceptional collection of knee high socks and giant ties. While he may look fabulous, I think we all know that memorizing his hosting lines will be a little like trying to get Kalia to stop entering a room with a belch. It's just isn't going to happen.
From what I can gather the POV competition had a Name That Tune element to it that may or may not have included a balance beam. The HG's had to guess how many seconds it would take them to complete something. What, I don't know. What I do know is that Brendon won the POV and Jeff was furious. For over an hour after the competition ended, Jeff went on and on about how it was his competition to win. He says he forgot Porsche was even there - he often forgets she's in the house too - and somehow she screwed up his game. The part that I thought was interesting was how Jeff kept saying how he was supposed to win that comp. He was supposed to take the victory. But he made a stupid mistake and blew it. If I didn't know any better, I'd cry shenanigans on the DR. There was something in Jeff's tone that made me think he was tipped off somehow. Jeff isn't a guy who's confident about competitions. In fact, he's always very self-deprecating. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I'll bet the Pentagon knows the truth.
Up in the HOH room, Shelly is telling Daniele that Brendon wants to stay in the game. Daniele has a hard time believing that and says that from the very beginning she's heard that if it was between the two of them, Rachel would stay in the game. Shelly is clearly trying to feel out where Daniele's head is at, but it's coming out all wrong. She looks panicked and worried. When she finally leaves the room, she shouts, "Don't put me up!" Daniele looks at Kalia and says, "She's sketchy as hell." Daniele says she doesn't want Brendon to stay in the game, but she' not going to tell Shelly that. She doesn't understand why Shelly is pushing for Brendon to stay. I'll tell you why: it's because Rachel is a fucking nightmare to have to live with and Shelly can work Brendon much easier than she can work Rachel. Shelly's not a dumb lady. She sees what's going on. She sees that Rachel or Porsche are tight. She knows Rachel will throw her under the bus in a heartbeat (and she already has!). Shelly is just doing what's good for Shelly's game. The problem with that is it makes Daniele suspicious. Daniele now wonders who she should put up: Shelly or Jordan. Putting up Shelly would be the worst move she can make. All she needs to do is put up Jordan as a pawn and be done with it. Whichever half of Brenchel stays on the block will go home and that's that. If she puts Shelly up, she runs the risk of having the votes go the wrong way. For crying out loud, even Kalia wants Shelly out!
While Jeff was complaining to Jordan in the Tarot Room and Daniele was going over her options in the HOH room, Brendon & Rachel were complimenting each other in the Have-Not room. Brendon tells Rachel he'll take her off the block and in an instant, she morphs into a baby talking, lip furling, cooing, ooey gooey marshamallow puff version of her former self. I've never seen anything like it. Right before my eyes the fierce angry exterior melted away and a vomitiocious nose scrunching thing took it's place. They hugged and canoodled. She told him how amazing he was. He nodded and said, "I know." She told him how soothing his voice is. He nodded and said, "I know." I put my shish kabob skewers over the fire pit and prepared to impale my innards. Seriously, who really needs a spleen? And pancreas? Overhyped, if you ask me.
The Rachel mutation continued as an overwhelming sense of confidence and relief took over her body. She filled in her eyebrows, began the laborious process of covering up her chin-ce (That's chin acne. Pronounced "chin-key") and decided that maybe there's a way to keep them both safe. Now, I don't know what planet Mutation Rachel hails from, but I don't think it's one in the Milky Way. It has to be from another galaxy where up is down, hot is cold, right is left and red-headed bird people are worshipped. It's probably one of those planets in Flash Gordon where everyone's blood is blue and they play football with Faberge eggs. Rachel actually thinks that she can get Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon in her stead. Also, even though Brendon will use the POV to remove Rachel from the block, they're telling everyone he'll use it to remove himself. It's some sort of cockamamie test to see how the other HG's respond.
Brendon & Rachel are pretty much done with Jeff & Jordan, but they want to keep up appearances so they go into the Tarot Room and begin to tell them their plan of getting Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon. Without hesitation, Jeff shakes his head and says there's no way she'll do that. Mutation Rachel must be deaf because she continues to explain how her plan will work. Jordan chimes in and says, "Daniele won't do that." Mutation Rachel's eyes glaze over, her head spins around and she says she'll pitch a deal to Daniele to bring the Oldies Five back together. That's like trying to get Diana Ross to rejoin The Supremes. It isn't gonna happen!
Later, Jeff begins to wonder why Rachel is so damn confident she's not going home. She seems chipper and upbeat when, normally, she'd be ripping the heads off of squirrels and smearing the blood all over herself. He thinks that maybe Brendon & Rachel have a deal with Daniele that he doesn't know about. Jordan wonders if perhaps they should go Daniele and start making suggestions that'll guarantee that either Brendon or Rachel go home. She wants to be sure that Brenchel doesn't get to Daniele first. It's a decent idea, but Jordan should realize that the only way to really assure Brenchel's demise is for herself to go on the block. Anyone else is a risk. Jordan is the only answer.
Meanwhile, Porsche is worried that she'll go on the block. Apparently, she did well in the POV and she thinks that it will make her a target now. Mutation Rachel responds with, "I'm so proud of my fiance." Porsche revs up her engine and sputters that she's a target now for hanging out with Brenchel. Rachel tells her to go up to the HOH and make a deal with Daniele. She says to lie and pledge her allegiance when really she'll just use it to stay safe and then go after Daniele next week. Mutation Rachel must have gotten some spittle on Porsche or something because Porsche is actually annoyed that Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Como what? *shakes head* I feel like I need a hit of acid to understand what the hell these bitches are talking about today. Rachel thinks Brenchel will stay intact and Porsche is mad Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Where's Nurse Ratched because I'm pretty sure I'm in the Cuckoo's Nest right about now?
Let's take a much needed respite from all the assbackwards logic and treat ourselves to a little prank. Some HG's are outside while Kalia has beached herself on the hammock. Shelly bets everyone she can crawl underneath the hammock without Kalia even knowing she's there. As Kalia is in a potato coma, I'm obliged to agree with Shelly.
Shelly begins her approach with cat like stealth. Ass perched in the air, one bony knee after another, Shelly creeps up to her prey unnoticed.
Once she's reached her target, Shelly ignores the overwhelming stench of Frito's and salsa con queso and begins to slither her way underneath the mammoth sleeping giant.
One might think this is just a simple ground maneuver, but when you consider the possibility of portly Kalia crushing Boniva Betty, you'll understand just how dangerous this is.
*wipes brow* Phew! Shelly lives to laugh another day.
After the gentle beast was awakened and given some attention, she began running her mouth and running her mouth and running her mouth. I guess it's the only exercise she gets, but come on! I can't listen to the Valley Girl bullshit anymore. Sure, she did well in the comp and, sure, she's anti-Brenchel, but she's a lying hippo hypcorite and it makes me insane. In one breath she says she has an amazing life and in the next she reveals she only has $300 in her bank account. Unless $300 is code for $3,000,000 dollars then Kalia is from the same planet that Pinto and Mutation Rachel are from. I'm sitting here fast forwarding through BBAD wondering when she'll shut the hell up. In the meantime, I can feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room and my organs beginning to shut down.
Finally, in the last hour I find Daniele in the Have-Not room with Mutation Rachel. Daniele is apologizing profusely and saying that everything up until now was what was best for her game. She hopes Rachel doesn't take it personally and Rachel mumbles, "It's ok. It's not a big deal. It's was stupid for me to think you can have friends in this game." *stabs self in ear with a screwdriver* Pity party of one, SHUT UP. If she's not gloating, she's pouting. Vile, vile woman. Daniele hopes that once they leave the house, they'll realize it's all a game. After all, Rachel is friends with Ragan now. Rachel doesn't hear any of it. She says shit like, "You're coming after me and my fiance." Bitch, Ragan destroyed you and you guys are besties now. Get over it!
Well, I'm going to end this here. I'd like Brendon to take Rachel off the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, Brendon to go home and Kalia to eat Rachel's face. In the meantime, I'll load some oxygen tanks into my basement. I'm sure Kalia will have something to say about something and, I don't about you, but I'm not ready to die for that bitch. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!