Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis

On the eve of the eve of one's demise, it's only natural for a person to act a little out of sorts. One might use arrogance and an overwhelming sense of "assholedness" to get through the day. Our subject may exhibit some unusual and unsavory behaviors as well. Whining, moaning, bitching, grumbling, dictating are all highly likely. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. Perhaps it's the deep gnawing stench of failure from within. Whatever the reason, whatever the coping mechanism we can't hold these things against our departing houseguest, can we? Of course we can assholes! Skypey McSkyperson is going home and I'm smelling a parade! Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a high pitched "Brennnndooooon". Birds fell out of the sky, butterflies exploded, bumblebees impaled themselves with their own stingers, the clouds cried acid and every single last earthling was struck deaf and dumb. It's Rachel and she's not happy. You see, Rachel is the embodiment of goodness and light. She's thinks only happy thoughts and farts only honesty. It hurts her soul that Daniele can be so mean to her. That bitch Daniele! How dare she play the game in a way that Rachel doesn't care for! How dare an evil witch like Daniele gets to stay in the house when Rachel's perfect and infallible chunk of man meat has to leave?! Victim Mutation Rachel tells us that it's humanly impossible for her to be fake and lie. It's not in her nature so when someone like Daniele comes along and acts all fake and stupid, it gives Rachel a bad case of the sads. Shelly to the rescue! If anyone can cheer someone up, it's Shelly. Propane smelling Shelly.

Shelly tells Rachel that they just need to stick together next week and start picking everybody else off. Brendon is there and he starts talking (again!) about how awful it would be if someone like Kalia or Lawon won the game. Shelly and Rachel agree. The klan meeting continues and Rachel begins to discuss Jordan. She prefaces every comment with a compliment, but really, underneath it all, is an insult. Jordan is so sweet and nice, but she shouldn't be allowed to win twice! Jordan is a pleasant country bumpkin, but she sucks hairy balls at competitions! Jordan is someone you'll be friends with for the rest of her life, but she's weak weak WEAK! Brendon nods in agreement while Shelly says it sucks that two members of her alliance are on the block.

Brendon switches gears back to Daniele and begins the endless bitchfest of how fake and "Orange County" she is. He can't stand fake people like that. Well, you know what Penis Boy, I can't stand heavy-jawed lurching man babies like yourself. When you get your way, you're an arrogant prick. When you don't get your way, you're a whiny little bitch. I know there's a been a lot of talk about you entering the house to rehabilitate your image, but let me end the suspense. You failed. I don't know how, but you actually managed to make yourself even more insufferable the second time around.

Speaking of Penis Boy, he wonders how Porsche will vote this week. Apparently, Porsche and Daniele hung out in the HOH room and now Brenchel is all paranoid as to where her loyalty lies. Shelly says she'll talk to Porsche later and find out. Here's the thing with Shelly, the more I get to know her, the more I'm impressed and horrified with her. Like I said several weeks ago, she's definitely playing the game. The problem is that she's been hanging out with Brenchel too much and their smug assholedness is rubbing off on her. When Shelly gives herself a mission - whether it's talking to Porsche, getting info out of Lawon, finding out details about Adam - she completes it successfully and then uses the information to carefully contruct her next move. I swear to god, she wakes up in the morning. hooks the coffee IV up to her arm and then makes herself a mental to-do list. She's determined and she's a go-getter. The only problem with that is that the more information she manages to get out of people, the more her confidence grows and the more wretched she becomes. Bravado and Shelly are like Bravado and Brendon - it's kind of gross.

Later Brendon & Rachel move to Have-Not room where a symphony of whines is taking place. Rachel is whining because she might be in the house without him. Brendon is whining that she should have mentally prepared herself for this moment. You see, the all knowing Brendon has been studying and practicing for this moment since the day he crawled out of his mother's vagina (the one without the reset button). He's had the foresight all of his life to get ready for this moment. Rachel clutches his ribbed tank top and tries to rustle up some sniffles. She's worried about Brendon in the outside world. How will she make it in the house without him? First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?

Later, as planned, Shelly has her meeting with Porsche. In an effort to get info out of Porsche, Shelly says that she'd never put Daniele on the block. Porsche agrees with her and Shelly says it's time they pick a side of the house and stick to it. Again, Porsche agrees. Finally, Porsche speaks up and says that she doesn't understand why Brenchel got so mad at her for talking to Daniele last night. They weren't talking game. They were just shooting the shit. Once Shelly has Porsche nice, comfortable and loose-lipped, she goes in for the kill. Shelly asks, "Would you ever put me on the block?" Porsche answers, "Probably not." Ha! Not even Shelly can hide her surprise when she asks, "Why do you say 'probably'?!" Porsche says she thinks if Shelly were to ever go on the block that she wouldn't go home. Shelly tightens up her leather and moves on.

Porsche suddenly says that she really wants Kalia out of the game. Shelly agrees and tells her that she needs to keep that information to herself. The conversation turns to Jordan and how, eventually, they'll have to put her on the block. Shelly answers with a very Brendon-like "Sure, sure." Have you ever noticed Brendon when he does that? It drives me fucking crazy. "Sure, sure, fer sure." Die. Anyhow, Shelly tells Porsche that she will NOT be voting Jordan out this week. She says that Daniele is HOH and that out of respect for her wishes to use Jordan as a pawn, she will keep Jordan in the game. Bullshit! Shelly will keep Jordan in the game, but not out of respect for Daniele. I think it's just her way of trying to get Porsche to trust her in the case that Porsche truly is tight with Daniele.

Meanwhile, this entire time Kalia is outside of the Tarot Room eavesdropping on the whole thing. It's a shame she didn't get there earlier when they were talking shit about her. Instead all she caught was Porsche and Shelly talking about how Kalia has started to contribute to the cooking and how Jeff is going to send a Cambodian child to culinary school. I don't know where it came from or what it means, but Jeff wants to adopt a Cambodian child and Porsche wants to go over there while they're eating crickets and slip them some Twinkies or some shit like that. It made no sense and I'm too lazy to look into it.

Now, when I first heard that Porsche was talking with Daniele I thought, "Oh, here's an interesting twist. Wouldn't it be great if Porsche turned on Rachel?" I sat and thought that perhaps I could give her a chance and see what sort of player she really is. I might even be able to support her a little if she abandoned Rachel and joined Daniele's army. But when she says stupid shit about trying to be famous or giving Pop-Tarts to insect eating Cambodians, it makes me hate her all over again. I don't know. I think I'd like her to usurp Kalia when it comes to Daniele, but she's got to stop the vapid "famous" talk. Hopefully, she can get over it and I can be done with Kalia once and for all. It's extremely difficult for me to listen to her speak. Not only is she always eating into her microphone, but she's INCESSANT. She never shuts up! You know it's gotta be bad if I'm seriously considering supporting Porsche.

Shelly checks "Talk to Porsche" off of her t0-do list and heads to the pool to feel out Kalia and Lawon. She's forceful, she's blunt, she's flat out almost abrupt. Shelly asks them if it's true they want to put her up on the block. Both Kalia and Lawon say no. They say they've never said that. Shelly switches gears and tells Lawon that he better start talking game because he has a huge target on his back. Lawon thanks her for letting him know and then tells her everyone he talked game with is out of the house now. I don't know what happened to nice sweet kiss ass Shelly, but this new Shelly is needs to rein in it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she's playing the game, but she's playing way too hard. I don't know what got her all nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, but it's going to hurt her in the end. She used to have the trust of the entire house. Now, she's Shady Shelly with only the Oldies on her side. Shelly assures Kalia & Lawon that she's not with the vets and that she'll be voting out Brendon this week. She may be voting out Brendon, but she's keeping Jordan. It's a flimsy argument that really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of things.

The conversation turns to the POV Ceremony and how Rachel cried when Brendon took her off the block. Kalia thinks Rachel knew all along that Brendon would be using the POV on her and the crying was fake and staged. Shelly asks, "Really?" I can't tell if it's a genuine "Really?" or a fake ass obliging "Really?" I just can't tell with Shady Shelly. Anyhow, Kalia says she's pissed off it was all staged because she actually felt bad and consoled Rachel when she was crying.

Shelly eventually disappears in a cloud of smoke and Lawon tells Daniele about their pool conversation. He thinks Brenchel put Shelly up to it which (yay Lawon!) isn't too far off the mark. Daniele cautions him to be very careful as to what he says to Shelly. Lawon nods and says, "Oh, I know." Lawon thinks Brenchel might be after him because they think he's a floater. Again, yay Lawon! He's figuring things out! I'm so proud. Daniele thinks Brendon will give a really mean speech on Thursday and Lawon agrees. He thinks the speech will be about him, but Daniele thinks it'll all be directed towards her and how she's splitting up a marriage. She can totally imagine Rachel shouting "This is for you Brendon!" if she wins any comps from here on out. *groan* I can too. Lawon says that he hates having to sleep with them. Apparently, Rachel has a vicious gas problem that Daniele describes as the smell of dead people trying to escape out of her ass.

Later in the HOH, Kalia and Daniele are talking about Brenchel. Kalia doesn't think they'll ever approach her or Lawon for their votes. Kalia thinks that they're using Lawon as a scapegoat and are just pinning stupid shit on him to make him look like a bad guy. Daniele agrees and the conversation turns to Porsche. Daniele says, "Take the Rachel out of Porsche and I like her a LOT more." I'm not sure how Kalia feels about bringing Porsche into the fold, but I know she'd be infuriated if Dani and Porsche suddenly became buddy buddy.

The conversation turns to Brendon and how he actually thought he'd win Big Brother. Kalia says he think he's hot shit and Daniele muttered something about him being "stupid". Kalia then suddenly begins to talk about sex and I came thisclose to shutting off my feeds. Kalia and sex is about as appealing as poking safety pins into my eyeballs. I want no part of it. It turns out that today Kalia is more interested in the sex Daniele has had with former HG's. Daniele wants to reply about Nick, but she covers her head with a blanket and mouths a response to Kalia. Some people thought Daniele said Nick was the "biggest", but come on. We've all seen the photos. That ain't true. Others thought she said Nick was the "best". Again, no way. Someone else swears she brought up James Rhine, but I must have missed that. I just think it's weird that two of the guys Daniele has hooked up with have both had online penis scandals. Too bad she hasn't hooked up with Jeff. The Dumbledore thing will probably never haunt him, but a good old fashioned penis scandal could actually have some shelf life.

And that's it for me today. They had the stupid fake wedding last night so look for that to hog up a huge chunk of air time this Thursday. Hopefully, they'll air the Matt/Ragan commentary as well, but who knows? I think it got bumped last week because of the last minute house fight footage. This wedding bullshit better not bump it again. Tomorrow is my day off so no blog. Look for Brendon to go home and an intense HOH to follow. If Rachel wins, lord help us. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. What is this Matt/Ragan commentary you speak of?

  2. "First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?"

    Hahahahaha. Win. It's so true.

    Great blog, as always. How sad and pathetic was that white trash wedding? ::eyeroll:: If Rachel wins HoH Thursday, I think I will jab myself with a hot poker.

  3. Out of all of the blogs, chats, and pages that I have seen re: say it best bitch! >NY accent< Dead bawls on accurate! You have a great talent for this, and I think you would give ED a run for his money on RTVzone..lmao jmo.

  4. Instead of family visits for the Oldies, CBS filmed commentary from some of their fellow former HG's. I know Matt & Ragan filmed their commentary about Brenchel 2 weekends ago. I thought it was supposed to be used last Thursday, but they ended up not showing it. I wonder if they'll ever show it at all.

  5. Lady Lala - you took the thoughts right outta my head, but I could NEVER arrange the words as beautifully as you do - hysterical!!!! Oh I would love to see Matt/Ragan's commentary - I hope they show it (Does CBS check the blogs and heed suggestions - ya think?????) Can't wait for Thursday!!!

  6. Your commentary regarding the BB goings on is on point & funny as always!

    I really hope Dani makes it to the end. If for no other reason, just to spite B&R and J&J. If that happens, & she takes Adam or Kalia with her, she should be a sure shot to win.

    Then again, a lot of those jury folks might vote against her outta spite.

    Still, I'm kinda hoping she pulls a win off. I'm pretty much done with just about everyone else on this thing.

  7. Excellent blog today (everyday.) Very thorough.

  8. Well after seeing today's episode, if Matt and Ragan said anything negative about B/R it'll be cut. Everyone who watches the feeds or looks up updates knows how despicable the two are, but CBS seems to be gunning for the "Bring back Brendon" bus to run us all over. Pretty horrible. Thanks for this update, it filled in a lot of holes I was wondering :) And just look at Shelly's pics. She used to smile... now she looks like the creepy old man that lives up the street.

  9. Oh yeah, also, I actually liked the wedding, only because I laughed my ass off with Lawon and his preacher impression.

  10. I may not always agree with you, but I love the way you write it. Wish I had the talent for writing that you have in your pinkie. lol I agree that the best thing about that wedding was Lawon.

  11. I, personally, couldn't read past a few "paragraphs" of this blog. I found it to be extremely mean spirited and pretty hateful. While I agree that everyone has the right to write blogs and express their opinion and that the people who go on these reality tv shows open themselves up to everyones opinion, I don't find it entertaining to be rude or nasty. It reminds me alot of those mean girls in high school who have such low self esteem that they have to cut everyone else down just to feel good about themselves. You definitely have the name of the blog correct because it is definitely bitchy. Remember opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but that doesn't mean that you have to be one.
    I will chose to read another blog that doesn't make such harsh comments on anyone. Even Rachel doesn't deserve to be cut down like that, no matter how much she annoys me.

  12. ahhh bu-bye Anon @ 10:22AM...


  13. I hope Rachel wins HOH and wreaks havoc on the house. It's not that I want her to win. I just think the remaining cast members are boring and the rest of the summer will be a real snooze fest after Rachel is gone.

  14. Anon @ 10:22 AM, (Or Rachel's sister/mother, whoever you are) Why did you visit this site in the 1st place/ Can't you read the heading before you click on? Give us a break. Go find a teddy bear site or cocoa puffs cereal ad instead.

  15. I have been reading this blog for a few years now. Some is very funny and entertaining. Some is just over and beyond. Now I wrote a comment last week and used the anonymous. This time I won't.

    I find it disturbing how Rachel is good and people.treat her like shit. She's good at comps. We know this. Is that a reason to dog her every chance someone gets? (Did Janelle get all this crap? She was definitly more annoying and arrogant.). When Dick was still in the house and she won the first HOH, she did what everyone wanted and kept the vets, SAFE. Making the existing target on her back bigger and there's smaller. Jordan won and they aleady wanted to put up Rachel and Brendon. Really? They all vowed to stick together, Rachel doesn't put them up or even think that way and this is what happens in return. Now Rachel won again. This time her and Brendon discussed putting up Jeff and Jordan, but no. Jeff pushed and hugged and puffed for Dominic and Adam to go on the block because... Dominic was HIS biggest threat for the backdoor situation. Dominic goes home and Dani goes after Brendon and Rachel. Good ole Jeff laughs. WHAT? Rachel as protecting, HIM! He can't even step up, grow a sack and admit its because of him, Dom is gone. When Dani practically begged Rachel to fix this and she said there's nothing she can do since she didn't have a vote, Dani was furious and wrote them off. The more I hear Dani say, "I truly care about you and I didn't mean to hurt you", I may puke. Hearing Kalia makes me vomit daily as is.

    My point... Everyone is so critical of the person who has done all of their dirty work. And the outside world bashes her because of her laugh and because she has an acne problem... Let's see some of your faces... It's easy to bash on someone from behind a computer screen..

  16. Hey Glitter Gal! I can't WAIT to read what you have to say about the last 12 hours! I won't go far from my screen. lol

  17. Wow. I hadn't read Cathy's post before my last comment. But I have a reply. We don't dislike Rachel because she has acne or she wins competitions. Here are the reason (for at least me anyway):
    1. She doesn't "get" the game in that there is way more to it than just doing well in competitions.
    2. She has very poor sportsmanship both in winning and losing.
    3. It goons me & frustrates me how dependent a grown woman is on her "man".
    4. She was too thinking seriously of putting Jeff and Jordan up until Dani pushed too hard and showed her hand.
    5. She floated back up to Dani's room to make a deal with the person in power thus becoming the consummate floater.
    6. She loves the camera and the drama until, of course, someone like a Dani or a Reagan, stand up to her.
    7. Pretzel gate. Remember her message to Brendon last year with the pretzels? Isn't that more "illegal" than a simple shout-out to a kid?
    8. Nothing, I repeat nothing, is ever her fault.
    I get that she is sick though and for that reason I will try, (be hard but I will try) to no longer bash her. But for that reason alone.

  18. Officially on Team Brenchel this year.

    I think people are way to hard and critical of Rachel. I think that she brings a great element to the game, one that makes it interesting. On BBAD I usually fast forward till they get to Rachel - even her doing nothing is more interesting than watching these other people in the house. I can only take so much of Jordan eating pickles, Porshe cooking, Shelly smoking, Dani using the word "clearly" waaaaaaaay to much, Adam doing his stupid Elf waddle......

    But these people that are so disgusted and calling her a wacko and nuts and about to have a mental break down - isn't that what you have all wanted her to do since you found out that her and Brendon were back in the house? You got it - give the girl a break. Her and Brendon are going to be broken up, yet you still want to kick her when she is down?

    Seriously - I don't personally get it.

    For the last several years I really could care less who wins this show - all I want is drama, for it to an interesting show. This year, I really find myself rooting for Rachel and Brendon, maybe it's the whole underdog thing, I don't know. I just feel it's a little 2-sided when it comes to B&R. Had Jeff and Jordan been put up - I can almost guarantee that Jeff would be the one going "nuts" with hardly anyone calling him out for being a psycho, needing to go to a mental ward - etc.

    Would I like Rachel in real life - who knows, I do know I like her on TV, she makes it interesting and I am drawn to her everytime she is on the screen. I think if she could accept her "most hated player" status and just go with it, things would be alot easier and she would be able to deal with what people say about her a lot better.

    But until then - this viewer is hoping Rachel get's redemption, maybe a twist to bring Brendon back (still on the fence about this one, I want to she how she plays with out him first) and that she ends up winning.

  19. @QK - wow!! I totally agree re: Rachel and I, too, can't wait for Lala's take on the last 24 hrs. I can't believe the meltdown Rachel had over something nice Dani did for Shelly (I don't think it was strategic, although if it was, it was brilliant) I think Shelly is truly missing her kid and Dani saw that. Back to Rachel - remember the fun loving 'Vegas' girl we first saw last year, albeit,annoying cackle, cackle. Look at what a year of being with Brendon did to her - turned her into a whimpering little puppy and he seems to love her like that - makes him a 'hero'. YUCK

  20. Anon @ 10:22AM

    Says " Remember opinions are like assholes, everyone has one but that doesn't mean that you have to be one."

    Wow your dazzling me with your originality!

    And to Cathy

    When you put yourself out there on national TV you automatically open yourself up the harsh criticism. It comes with the territory. She is turning it into the Rachel show.

    It warms my heart to know that her family reads this blog.Since Rachel is obsessed with what we think ( the public)I'm sure she will read this blog when she's evicted.


  21. Just because Rachel went up to make a deal, doesn't make her a floater. I recall Dani going up and trying to make deals. Does that make her a floater?

  22. I find it amusing that 'floater' has become the new dirty "F" word, but I don't get it - if being a floater works and helps you win the game, then I say 'float'!!

  23. To Brooke, and all the other people over the last several years who have abbreviated this phrase to make it mean the opposite of what you mean.
    The phrase is:
    I could NOT care less, not I COULD care less.
    If you could care less, then you actually do care to a certain degree. If this was your meaning in fact, I apologize greatly. But I think both you and many others that I have heard/read perpetuating this minor mistake actually mean they don't give a fig.
    The Phrase Fairy

  24. @ Cathy: Oh, I wasn't saying Floater is a bad thing. Brenchel said it; over and over and over again. I think floating for as long as you can, staying under the radar is boring but it pays. It is a game strategy. That would be a hard thing for them to do because you don't get camera time. Making deals is fine, actually great. But tit for tat ~ if you do it, you can't blame others for doing it.

  25. Cathy- Besides the fact that Rachel is an ugly, acne ridden, hyena fake cackle, stupid bitch, that is not why people hate her so much. Sure, her cackle and voice are annoying but the FACT that she constantly makes herself out to be the victim when the tables are turned on her is what makes everyone want to poke her eyes out with hot shishkabob pokers.

    Brenchel is so arrogant, condescending, high and mighty, mean, nasty, lying, deceitful, let's kick other people when they are down assholes when they are in power. But when it is them that are put on the block then they get all pissed off and start threatening people and crying and saying that Dani is such a mean girl, Cassi was such a mean fighter. WTF!? Are you kidding me? What about how mean and nasty you were to Kalia when she tried to talk to Brendan outside when he was tanning? What about when Cassi tried to talk to Brendan in the kitchen to find out why they were turning on her when they had a deal and when Cassi went to talk to Rachel in the bedroom she said Cassi had the worst game play ever and called her a floater and said a bunch of other crap to her and then when Cassi simply said you are a catty catty girl and walked out, OMFG Rachel acted as if she were a black person being called the N word.

    Get over yourself you stupid bitch (Rachel). No one is allowed to play the game but Brenchel. No one is allowed to make any big moves except Brenchel. Now I see why all the newbies are such floaters because if anyone dares to win a comp or dares to make any decision or dares to try and play the game then they are a horrible, mean bully.

    I like Jeff but his whole holier than thou attitude when someone tried to back door him made me want to poke his eyes out with bar-b-q tongs. Jeff, remember the coup de tat? This is why CBS needs to stop bringing these people back. If they would have just let the new people play their own game and not brought back those vets then this could have been a really great season. But now we'll never know what kind of great, memorable players BB might have had this season cuz the whole focus is on the vets. They had their season. Let some new people have their own season.

    I agree that Rachel and her antics are good drama for BB and TV but then when you act like such a horrible person to everyone and are a 2 faced liar don't cry into the camera and say you are not a bad person.

    Evel Dick is nicknamed that for a reason. Do you see him crying into the camera when people say bad things about him and call him evil? HELL to the NO! He loves it and eats it up and tells people to go fuck themselves. He knows he was/is an asshole and he doesn't care. That is his persona. Now is he a prick in real life? I personally don't know. Maybe he is and maybe he's the greatest/nicest person you'll ever meet. But you'll NEVER see him crying into the camera saying he is not a bad person and he doesn't deserve this and why does America hate him?

    America HATES Brenchel and that is NEVER going to change. They need to just suck it up. They chose to go on TV, not once but twice to be in the limelight and have their dirty laundry aired for the world to see. So stop fake crying into the camera (there are no tears) and quit begging for a pity party from everyone cuz no one is going to give you one.

  26. @Kandeekane

    AMEN Sista!