Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis
On the eve of the eve of one's demise, it's only natural for a person to act a little out of sorts. One might use arrogance and an overwhelming sense of "assholedness" to get through the day. Our subject may exhibit some unusual and unsavory behaviors as well. Whining, moaning, bitching, grumbling, dictating are all highly likely. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. Perhaps it's the deep gnawing stench of failure from within. Whatever the reason, whatever the coping mechanism we can't hold these things against our departing houseguest, can we? Of course we can assholes! Skypey McSkyperson is going home and I'm smelling a parade! Let's recap, shall we?
The day began with a high pitched "Brennnndooooon". Birds fell out of the sky, butterflies exploded, bumblebees impaled themselves with their own stingers, the clouds cried acid and every single last earthling was struck deaf and dumb. It's Rachel and she's not happy. You see, Rachel is the embodiment of goodness and light. She's thinks only happy thoughts and farts only honesty. It hurts her soul that Daniele can be so mean to her. That bitch Daniele! How dare she play the game in a way that Rachel doesn't care for! How dare an evil witch like Daniele gets to stay in the house when Rachel's perfect and infallible chunk of man meat has to leave?! Victim Mutation Rachel tells us that it's humanly impossible for her to be fake and lie. It's not in her nature so when someone like Daniele comes along and acts all fake and stupid, it gives Rachel a bad case of the sads. Shelly to the rescue! If anyone can cheer someone up, it's Shelly. Propane smelling Shelly.
Shelly tells Rachel that they just need to stick together next week and start picking everybody else off. Brendon is there and he starts talking (again!) about how awful it would be if someone like Kalia or Lawon won the game. Shelly and Rachel agree. The klan meeting continues and Rachel begins to discuss Jordan. She prefaces every comment with a compliment, but really, underneath it all, is an insult. Jordan is so sweet and nice, but she shouldn't be allowed to win twice! Jordan is a pleasant country bumpkin, but she sucks hairy balls at competitions! Jordan is someone you'll be friends with for the rest of her life, but she's weak weak WEAK! Brendon nods in agreement while Shelly says it sucks that two members of her alliance are on the block.
Brendon switches gears back to Daniele and begins the endless bitchfest of how fake and "Orange County" she is. He can't stand fake people like that. Well, you know what Penis Boy, I can't stand heavy-jawed lurching man babies like yourself. When you get your way, you're an arrogant prick. When you don't get your way, you're a whiny little bitch. I know there's a been a lot of talk about you entering the house to rehabilitate your image, but let me end the suspense. You failed. I don't know how, but you actually managed to make yourself even more insufferable the second time around.
Speaking of Penis Boy, he wonders how Porsche will vote this week. Apparently, Porsche and Daniele hung out in the HOH room and now Brenchel is all paranoid as to where her loyalty lies. Shelly says she'll talk to Porsche later and find out. Here's the thing with Shelly, the more I get to know her, the more I'm impressed and horrified with her. Like I said several weeks ago, she's definitely playing the game. The problem is that she's been hanging out with Brenchel too much and their smug assholedness is rubbing off on her. When Shelly gives herself a mission - whether it's talking to Porsche, getting info out of Lawon, finding out details about Adam - she completes it successfully and then uses the information to carefully contruct her next move. I swear to god, she wakes up in the morning. hooks the coffee IV up to her arm and then makes herself a mental to-do list. She's determined and she's a go-getter. The only problem with that is that the more information she manages to get out of people, the more her confidence grows and the more wretched she becomes. Bravado and Shelly are like Bravado and Brendon - it's kind of gross.
Later Brendon & Rachel move to Have-Not room where a symphony of whines is taking place. Rachel is whining because she might be in the house without him. Brendon is whining that she should have mentally prepared herself for this moment. You see, the all knowing Brendon has been studying and practicing for this moment since the day he crawled out of his mother's vagina (the one without the reset button). He's had the foresight all of his life to get ready for this moment. Rachel clutches his ribbed tank top and tries to rustle up some sniffles. She's worried about Brendon in the outside world. How will she make it in the house without him? First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?
Later, as planned, Shelly has her meeting with Porsche. In an effort to get info out of Porsche, Shelly says that she'd never put Daniele on the block. Porsche agrees with her and Shelly says it's time they pick a side of the house and stick to it. Again, Porsche agrees. Finally, Porsche speaks up and says that she doesn't understand why Brenchel got so mad at her for talking to Daniele last night. They weren't talking game. They were just shooting the shit. Once Shelly has Porsche nice, comfortable and loose-lipped, she goes in for the kill. Shelly asks, "Would you ever put me on the block?" Porsche answers, "Probably not." Ha! Not even Shelly can hide her surprise when she asks, "Why do you say 'probably'?!" Porsche says she thinks if Shelly were to ever go on the block that she wouldn't go home. Shelly tightens up her leather and moves on.
Porsche suddenly says that she really wants Kalia out of the game. Shelly agrees and tells her that she needs to keep that information to herself. The conversation turns to Jordan and how, eventually, they'll have to put her on the block. Shelly answers with a very Brendon-like "Sure, sure." Have you ever noticed Brendon when he does that? It drives me fucking crazy. "Sure, sure, fer sure." Die. Anyhow, Shelly tells Porsche that she will NOT be voting Jordan out this week. She says that Daniele is HOH and that out of respect for her wishes to use Jordan as a pawn, she will keep Jordan in the game. Bullshit! Shelly will keep Jordan in the game, but not out of respect for Daniele. I think it's just her way of trying to get Porsche to trust her in the case that Porsche truly is tight with Daniele.
Meanwhile, this entire time Kalia is outside of the Tarot Room eavesdropping on the whole thing. It's a shame she didn't get there earlier when they were talking shit about her. Instead all she caught was Porsche and Shelly talking about how Kalia has started to contribute to the cooking and how Jeff is going to send a Cambodian child to culinary school. I don't know where it came from or what it means, but Jeff wants to adopt a Cambodian child and Porsche wants to go over there while they're eating crickets and slip them some Twinkies or some shit like that. It made no sense and I'm too lazy to look into it.
Now, when I first heard that Porsche was talking with Daniele I thought, "Oh, here's an interesting twist. Wouldn't it be great if Porsche turned on Rachel?" I sat and thought that perhaps I could give her a chance and see what sort of player she really is. I might even be able to support her a little if she abandoned Rachel and joined Daniele's army. But when she says stupid shit about trying to be famous or giving Pop-Tarts to insect eating Cambodians, it makes me hate her all over again. I don't know. I think I'd like her to usurp Kalia when it comes to Daniele, but she's got to stop the vapid "famous" talk. Hopefully, she can get over it and I can be done with Kalia once and for all. It's extremely difficult for me to listen to her speak. Not only is she always eating into her microphone, but she's INCESSANT. She never shuts up! You know it's gotta be bad if I'm seriously considering supporting Porsche.
Shelly checks "Talk to Porsche" off of her t0-do list and heads to the pool to feel out Kalia and Lawon. She's forceful, she's blunt, she's flat out almost abrupt. Shelly asks them if it's true they want to put her up on the block. Both Kalia and Lawon say no. They say they've never said that. Shelly switches gears and tells Lawon that he better start talking game because he has a huge target on his back. Lawon thanks her for letting him know and then tells her everyone he talked game with is out of the house now. I don't know what happened to nice sweet kiss ass Shelly, but this new Shelly is needs to rein in it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she's playing the game, but she's playing way too hard. I don't know what got her all nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, but it's going to hurt her in the end. She used to have the trust of the entire house. Now, she's Shady Shelly with only the Oldies on her side. Shelly assures Kalia & Lawon that she's not with the vets and that she'll be voting out Brendon this week. She may be voting out Brendon, but she's keeping Jordan. It's a flimsy argument that really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of things.
The conversation turns to the POV Ceremony and how Rachel cried when Brendon took her off the block. Kalia thinks Rachel knew all along that Brendon would be using the POV on her and the crying was fake and staged. Shelly asks, "Really?" I can't tell if it's a genuine "Really?" or a fake ass obliging "Really?" I just can't tell with Shady Shelly. Anyhow, Kalia says she's pissed off it was all staged because she actually felt bad and consoled Rachel when she was crying.
Shelly eventually disappears in a cloud of smoke and Lawon tells Daniele about their pool conversation. He thinks Brenchel put Shelly up to it which (yay Lawon!) isn't too far off the mark. Daniele cautions him to be very careful as to what he says to Shelly. Lawon nods and says, "Oh, I know." Lawon thinks Brenchel might be after him because they think he's a floater. Again, yay Lawon! He's figuring things out! I'm so proud. Daniele thinks Brendon will give a really mean speech on Thursday and Lawon agrees. He thinks the speech will be about him, but Daniele thinks it'll all be directed towards her and how she's splitting up a marriage. She can totally imagine Rachel shouting "This is for you Brendon!" if she wins any comps from here on out. *groan* I can too. Lawon says that he hates having to sleep with them. Apparently, Rachel has a vicious gas problem that Daniele describes as the smell of dead people trying to escape out of her ass.
Later in the HOH, Kalia and Daniele are talking about Brenchel. Kalia doesn't think they'll ever approach her or Lawon for their votes. Kalia thinks that they're using Lawon as a scapegoat and are just pinning stupid shit on him to make him look like a bad guy. Daniele agrees and the conversation turns to Porsche. Daniele says, "Take the Rachel out of Porsche and I like her a LOT more." I'm not sure how Kalia feels about bringing Porsche into the fold, but I know she'd be infuriated if Dani and Porsche suddenly became buddy buddy.
The conversation turns to Brendon and how he actually thought he'd win Big Brother. Kalia says he think he's hot shit and Daniele muttered something about him being "stupid". Kalia then suddenly begins to talk about sex and I came thisclose to shutting off my feeds. Kalia and sex is about as appealing as poking safety pins into my eyeballs. I want no part of it. It turns out that today Kalia is more interested in the sex Daniele has had with former HG's. Daniele wants to reply about Nick, but she covers her head with a blanket and mouths a response to Kalia. Some people thought Daniele said Nick was the "biggest", but come on. We've all seen the photos. That ain't true. Others thought she said Nick was the "best". Again, no way. Someone else swears she brought up James Rhine, but I must have missed that. I just think it's weird that two of the guys Daniele has hooked up with have both had online penis scandals. Too bad she hasn't hooked up with Jeff. The Dumbledore thing will probably never haunt him, but a good old fashioned penis scandal could actually have some shelf life.
And that's it for me today. They had the stupid fake wedding last night so look for that to hog up a huge chunk of air time this Thursday. Hopefully, they'll air the Matt/Ragan commentary as well, but who knows? I think it got bumped last week because of the last minute house fight footage. This wedding bullshit better not bump it again. Tomorrow is my day off so no blog. Look for Brendon to go home and an intense HOH to follow. If Rachel wins, lord help us. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!