Monday, August 1, 2011


Yesterday on Bridezillas, a crimson haired lip furling Vegas prostitute Martha Stewarted herself a wedding dress out of white trash bags. White. Trash. The jokes write themselves. Personally, I didn't watch the madness. An attention whore is an attention whore is an attention whore. But, it did get me thinking about the wedding to come. Hungover bridesmaids with bra straps peeking out behind irridescent slip dresses. Paid groomsmen shifting uncomfortably in rented tuxedos with missing buttons and lapels. The bride shooting up Patron while lying on the cold mildewy tiles of some Unitarian Church. The bridegroom cramming his giant toe into ill-fitting oxfords from Wal-Mart. The bouquet of daisies ripped from the church landscaping. Roots hanging out. Dirt speckling the blushing bride's spandex dress. William & Kate they are not. No architecturally stunning wedding cake here folks. We're talking Pillsbury and we're talking rainbow sprinkles. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a blister of a day waiting to be popped. A long drawn out morning where not much of anything happened. It rained. That was fun. It rained in California. Whoop dee fucking doo. Brendon & Rachel frolicked in it while Shelly sat wondering how long it will last and how soon she can get to work on those outside windows. A ciggie in one hand and some Windex in the other, Shelly was a ball of nervous energy waiting to strike. One thing about Shelly we haven't talked about too much is that fact that she rarely eats. I don't think it's an eating disorder thing. I just think that leather responds better to dry arid environments. Had Shelly stuffed her face with milks and cheeses her skin would pucker and where would that get us? It's just better all around that she lives off of smoke, gun powder, ammonia fumes and positive affirmations.

So the day dragged on and finally Jeff & Jordan go up to the HOH to talk to Daniele. Brendon has won the veto and a replacement nominee will be needed. They want to feel out where Daniele's head is at and come up with a plan. Daniele tells them first and foremost she does not want either of them going home. She'll do anything she can to keep them in the house. The problem is that she's a little worried that Brendon will remove himself from the block. She thought he'd be removing Rachel (he will be) and she wonders if Brendon stays on the block whether or not he'd get the votes to stay in the house. Part of Daniele is scared to put Jordan up. She thinks she'll be safe, but everything is a little sketchy now.

The three go through how the votes will go. Daniele thinks Adam, Lawon and Kalia would definitely vote to keep Jordan. For some reason, Daniele is unsure about Shelly. Jeff & Jordan quickly assure her that Shelly will vote to keep Jordan. Daniele still isn't convinced so Jordan says she'll talk to Shelly and figure out what she's thinking.

They talk about the possibility of putting up Porsche. She's friends with Rachel so if she were on the block against Rachel then it eliminates a vote for Rachel to stay. Jordan isn't so sure though. She thinks there's a good chance Porsche would go home and Rachel would stay. However, if Porsche were to go up, Jordan promises Daniele she'll vote however Daniele wants her to vote. Eh. I'm not sure I believe that. There are too many "what if's" if Porsche goes on the block. It's so strange to me that Daniele is even entertaining the thought.

Daniele expresses her concern over Shelly. She says Shelly has been acting strangely lately. Apparently, she may have been cheering for the wrong people during POV. I don't know what's going on there, but I suspect Daniele may have been beaten up by a wild band of cheerleaders in high school or something. Anything cheer-related, Daniele absolutely doesn't trust. The talk then turns to Adam. Adam is so flippity floppity wishy washy that they wonder if Brenchel could get to him and turn him this week.

The conversation ends with the threesome discussing the discrepancies in Brendon & Rachel's stories about who is coming off the block. Daniele swears that Brendon said from day one that he'd save Rachel if he had to and go back to school. Jeff swears he heard Brendon saying he'd save Rachel as well. In the end, Jeff tells Daniele that if he and Jordan make it through this week, that they will definitely show her love next week. The meeting ends and Jeff goes downstairs to tell Adam that Daniele wants to talk to him.

Adam enters the HOH and he thinks that Daniele should nominate Porsche. He says Porsche is a vote for Rachel so it might be good to put her up on the block and eliminate her vote altogether. Daniele tells him she was thinking about Jordan and Adam nods. He agrees that Jordan would be another good option. Adam says that if it was Jordan v. Rachel, Jordan would definitely stay. They go over how everyone could vote and it seems like Jordan will be safe no matter what. Adam is just worried that Brendon will get mad at him. Ugh. Adam, why are you here? Seriously? The primal screams, the 90210 bullshit, the hamming it up for the cameras, the constant plugs for BB sites... NO ONE CARES. You're just as bad as Porsche thinking she'll get famous from Big Brother. You think you're part of this inner circle of HG's now when really you're a crappy player who'll fade into oblivion just like 90% of the other former HG's. Actually, do porn or skype your penis. That'll keep you relevant for a hot minute.

Adam and Daniele then talk about the possibility of a former HG coming back. Daniele says they do it every 3 years, but they couldn't last year because Julie screwed up in her interview with Andrew. Annie was actually kept in sequester for weeks. There was every intention of bringing an evicted HG back into the game, but when Julie mentioned Matt's wife's fake diseased leg, she gave away too much info and they had to scrap the idea. Daniele thinks that maybe they're going to try to do it this year instead. I'm inclined to agree. Keith, Cassi and Dominic are ALL still in sequester. Let's say Brendon goes home this week. My best guess would be, put to a public vote, that either Cassi or Dominic gets brought back into the game. Now, I never vote when CBS asks us to, but for this, I would. 100%. I'd vote as many times as I could for Cassi. Dominic coming back into the game doesn't appeal to me because I hate having to listen to him and Daniele stealth whisper the night away. Daniele is only a fraction of herself when Dominic is around. The more interesting option is Cassi and watching Daniele pull Cassi into the fold before someone like Shelly could get to her and pull her the other way. Think about it. Kalia would tell Cassi how Shelly voted that first week and voila! We've got ourselves some drama.

Outside in the backyard, Jordan is finally get a little leathery face time with Shelly. She tells Shelly that she's worried about how the votes will go if she's on the block against Rachel. With nary a smoky inhale, Shelly tells Jordan she'll be, without a doubt, safe. That should have been the end of the conversation right there, but noooooo. Jordan goes on and on running her mouth about everything Daniele said in the HOH. She tells Shelly how Daniele hates cheerleaders, how thet talked about the possibility of Porsche going on the block and how Daniele wonders where Shelly's loyalty lies. Jordan said too much, but I guess that's the power of Shelly. She's the one person you feel safe telling shit to. And, gamewise, that's a good position to be in I guess. The bloom is coming off the rose a little bit with me and Shelly. I still like her, but I was a little turned off during the CBS show last night when she called Daniele and Kalia a "low class of people". I mean, Kalia is a windbag of fecal matter and Daniele is a spoiled brat, but to call them a "low class of people" just because they're not crawling up Brenchel or Jeff & Jordan's ass was a little extreme. Shelly is on my "wait and see" list for the time being.

This brings me to BBAD. I'm skipping all the Rachel wedding bullshit because it's just another way for her to air time and, believe me, she'll get it. You'll puke when you see it so eat light before the Wednesday and Thursday shows this week.

So now we have Brenchel up in the HOH making one last final plea to Daniele. Brendon wants to know what Daniele is thinking. She responds and says, "What are you guys thinking?" Brendon tells her he'll be using the POV to remove himself from the block (lie). Dani asks him what made him change his mind and Brendon tells her that he feels like he can get further in this game. He then asks Daniele if she's considering working with them again, as a couple, in the game. Daniele says it's out of her power because she doesn't even have a vote. LOL. No offense, but that was so lame. I mean, I know she's stringing them along, but she still has the power to put someone on the block. Brendon & Rachel aren't idiots and they promptly tell her she should nominate Lawon because he's a floater. I swear to god, every time I hear them say the word "floater" I yank a fistful of hair out of my head. Has it not hit them yet that THEY are the ultimate floaters this week? The hypocrisy makes me insane!

Daniele tells them that she doesn't think anyone would actually vote out Lawon. Rachel asks, "Not even over me?" Daniel just shakes her head. She says the last thing she wants to do is make even more enemies in the house right now. Rachel tells her that by putting up Lawon and saving Brenchel, everyone will be happy and she'll be thrown a parade or some shit like that. It's just a bunch of lies. Brenchel are offereing Daniele safety to keep them in the game, but you and I (and Daniele) all know that saving Brenchel means ousting Daniele. Brenchel are desperate and desperation makes them stupid.

Brendon tells Daniele that if she keeps them safe, then it's a clean slate. He promises he'll be winning HOH next week (lie, he'll be gone). If not him, then Rachel. It's a thinly veiled threat with enough holes to make a delicious slice of swiss cheese. He says something about pushing a reset button and I wonder if I can push the reset button on his mother's vagina. Maybe it'll suck him back into the void from whence he came and we'll never have to listen to his heavy-jawed bullshit ever again.

The good news is that Daniele isn't falling for any of this bullshit. Look for Brendon to remove Rachel from the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, a Glad product faux wedding to take place and Brendon to go home. My apologies in advance, but no blog tomorrow. Real life intervenes. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Danielle needs to put Jordan up! Worse case - a tie! Danielle votes in a tie.

  2. I am so thrilled that at least one of the annoying Brenchel pair should be going home. As for Shelly, all the rose petals fell off for me for a lot of reasons. I don't like the way she comes off as a person who seems to think she's better than everyone. Her mom act isn't working with me. She may have decent game play but aside from Brendon (or Rachel, whichever the case) Shelly would be the next one I'd like to see out the door!

  3. I saw the BBAD last night and how I WISHED that I could've been HOH for 5 minutes. Seriously, Brendon and Rachel make me SICK with their arrogant these people not know the meaning of humility?
    Oh, and Adam?? Someone PLEASE evict him. PLEASE.
    And I am so proud of Dani and Kalia for hanging in there for the endurance HOH comp....Brendon and Shelly can say what they want about that Muffin Top...she oulasted everyone but the winner. HA!

  4. CL. I love you, tons, and I know listening to Kalia has probably melted your brain a little bit but Rachel can't both be pulled off the block & go home this week (although that would be awesome.)

  5. Oh Christ, you're right. Thanks trillian. I'll fix it.

  6. A tie seems pretty unlikely as I do not believe CBS allows half votes.

    Vaginas with reset buttons - Oh My God if that were only true my life could be so much more simple.

  7. "A blister of a day waiting to be popped"....sheer poetry, Lala.

    I, too, will vote for Cassi's return, but I'm afraid we'll see Dom strutting his stuff back into the house, if only because since he's the last one out, he's the freshest in everyone's mind. I think poor Cassi's already been forgotten.

    At any rate, it won't be Brendon voted back in. I'd say maybe that'll show him what America (or at least BB Nation) really thinks of him (hey, it ain't rocket science!), but I know he'll just blame it on a faulty count by the CBS computers.

  8. What is Price-Waterhouse going to be counting the votes? Whoever has the potential to stir up enough shit is coming back, and that shit stirrer is Cassie! Rachel will lose whatever tenuous grasp on reality she's left with after her man leaves (to peen skype unsupervised),and Shelly will not be able to Mom talk to her out of fucking Cassie over. I guess I was in the minority that hasn't liked Shelly from the get go, that she was full of shit. Well, Supermoms who are asthmatics don't smoke, just sayin.

  9. Lucus says- it's so easy to say you hate someone you don't even know. It makes my feel bad that I do that. My only comfort comes from the fact that I'm pretty damn sure I would hate Rachel and brendon if I did know them. I truly hope dani thinks! And gets rid of one of them. I really like Jeff and Jordan but the brenchel stink is starting to taint them.

  10. I'm sick of Brendon's creeper stare and pompous attitude. He's a hypocrite too. He says
    "If you send my fiancĂ© home then I will be coming after you." (Update now ducklips will) then goes around saying that Dani is playing a "vengeful game.” and "that's not right" "black heart"
    :::: pouty face::::::
    So its okay for the two headed beast to get revenge ::: pimply ducklip pout:::::but god forbid Dani does!

    I also think parts if the game is RIGGED!! I think the vets were paid something in advance as well.

    When cassi comes back all they need to do is tell her about that mystery vote. I know Daniel & Tyler Perry can do it. Hopefully Shelly doesn't charm,woo and molest her in the night with her leatherly powers.

  11. I,too, will vote for Cassie and I can't wait to see Rachel's face when she walks back in the door - I hope she yells "I'm back bitch!"

  12. I kind of wanted Dom back, but your points are very good. I think Dani having the Golden Key kind of gave her too much time to flirt, now that that's over maybe if Dom comes back she'll tell him no more fucking around. I can't see Cassi going against Shelly, even if she found out about the vote. Plus Dom was pretty good at comps. Rachel would have a conipshit is Cassi came back though. The bachelor party was actually not bad... Porsche's got a great booty! As for the game, Brendon is just awful on so many levels. Dani was never going to go along with their deal, but for Brendon to continuously threaten Dani isn't what you're supposed to do! Make actual deals dumbass! Funniest line was when Brendon said to Dani "You're not pissing anyone off..." I sort of remember Dani making a comment to Rachel that really pissed her off lol. All the newbs also seem like they're breaking apart bit by bit and playing... except Adam.. and Lawon. Can't wait for the next post :D lol @ leochild, ducklips XD

  13. As soon as clicked on your link (which is first on my favorites list btw), and saw that picture at the top...I immediately became asexual and sterile. Thanks! Now I can throw away all those pesky rubbers!

    Great job again. This blog is the highlight of my day, even more so now!

  14. LOL @ Loftis!
    I would also vote for Cassi. CBS, are ya hearing us?
    I gotta stick with prematurely leathered. She IS playing the game and soon she is going to win HOH. Question is, who exactly will she put up? Not JJ (I don't think) and the way she works both sides, hard to know who she wants out for sure. Prius for one but who for the other?
    Anyway, yet another fun and funny blog. I just wait for your magic to appear on my screen.

  15. I didn't hear the magic word.

    Psst, it's "bitch".

  16. LOL Bitch!
    Anyone notice that a right handed swinger deviated Brendon's nose to his right at some point in his life? Glitter abounds for that person.

  17. brendon says the word floater with the same disdain usually reserved by normal people for kleptomaniacs. and yes lala, somehow they think because there's two of them they're always an alliance and never floating; and that being a floater is a spineless pursuit, and it's their sworn duty to punish those newbies foolish enough to not have already played the game, subsequently coming in with a huge unfair advantage, as well as an undeserved sense of accomplishment, celebrity, and entitlement. it really amazes me that brendon is going to (i guess maybe? eventually??) get his Phd when i can clearly see, written on his face, whenever a thought or realization enters his pea-sized brain; much like a 5 year old facing an algebra question asked to them by george clinton. i hate ripping on people for their appearance, but this freak thinks he's so fucking high and mighty that i'll make an exception. brendon seems to have stopped developing emotionally and socially around the age of 13. and he looks like if michael phelps and a mutant chimp had a baby in a test tube and then stored it in a highway cone with his big toes sticking out the top on either side of his (now soon to be bald) peanut head. yep. i'm sure of it. i hate him.

  18. Its official Brendon, Rachel and Shelly are racist. They basically called kahlia an "uppity nigger" in a roundabout way. Kahlia's affectations are annoying as hell but she does have a point about the whole racial thing.( per her and Lawson's convoy the other night)

    And today
    Shelly was telling them about her Mc mansion They have a pool,attached hotub, Ourdoor bar, out door kitchen, fully furnished guest house..

    Knew it, that and the fox news thing rubs me the wrong way.

  19. I must have been in a stupor from "reality"
    overload. Is is more than a rumor that we can
    vote for someone to return to the BB house?
    When and where? Should I check my mail, or answer
    the phone the next time Jesse calls? Help me
    Rhonda, Ms. Lala, someone.....pleeeze. Cassi or
    Dom returning combined with Brendon leaving would
    be more entertaining than what we've been seeing.
    Thanks for your astute observations everyone. :)

  20. How do you call someone an "uppity "dreaded N word"" in a roundabout way? Or are you in possession of the lost of magic "codewords" that mean one thing to one person, and yet another thing to others?

    "Can't get over that Fox thing?" Oh,we know, every other media outlet is the paragon of truth, don't we?

    I seem to recall Ms. Kalia stated that Keith didn't go to the right college because all African-Americans HAD to go to traditionally Black colleges, but that ain't racist? PLEASEEEE!

    You're bitching about Shelly taking about her home, yet you have no idea what the price of her home is, or the combined income of her household? But I sure as shit ain't seeing your bitching about little Ms. 500 K being in the game.

    And CL, what the hell is wrong with gunpowder? Maybe, just maybe, a little "trigger time" might make a lot of folks here a little less stressed. The smell of cordite always makes me smile.