Saturday, July 28, 2012

Pucker Up

Coco Chanel once said that a person should wear perfume wherever they are most likely to be kissed. Maybe a dab on the neck, a tease in between one's shoulder blades, a gentle wisp behind the ear or perhaps a long tender stroke along the length of one's inner thigh. The same rule of thumb holds true in the Big Brother house which is why we have a lot overly amber woodsy top notes emanating from Shane's ass today. Stick your face up to Shane's rump and it's Guerlain's Shalimar, I shit you not. So, what does a neon fop do when his ass is shined to perfection with ancient scents from the Orient? Why, he dresses like the third member of Wham!, deflects to the hag, and tries to convince us he likes women. Let's recap, shall we?

(I didn't get to watch all that much yesterday, but I really hate abandoning the blog for too many days so here's a brief recap of what I managed to see.)

We begin the day with Janelle and Wil. Two miserable shrews if you ask me. Anyhow, both harpies think that Joe will be a very difficult person to get out of the house. For one, he's old. And B) he cooks. Umm ok. Yeah, I don't get the logic there either. Regardless, Janelle is worried about the upcoming Coaches' Competition. She has to win in order to save Wil, but her ole bones, they are a' crackin'. The bed she's sleeping on reaches up in the middle of the night and smacks her around or something. I'm not sure what's going on there, but the ole gal needs some Celebrex. 

Wil sits sneering and wonders what the upcoming twist could possibly be. He theorizes that maybe someone will come back into the game and Janelle will get to pick who she wants. Janelle tells him she'd bring back Kara to which Wil scoffs that Kara would probably go right back home again. All of this silly twist talk really means nothing and Wil is completely overthinking it. Look Streisand, it's the Coaches entering the game - it's exactly what Willie warned you about!

Janelle continues gnawing on her tentacles and begins to worry that Wil will go home this week. Wil shrugs his shoulders and sniggers to himself that he's really not all that big of a competitor. He says, "I'm no Shane or Frank." I agree with you on that Wil. The problem is that you're anti. You're anti-everything and everyone which makes you extremely untrustworthy. Plus, you keep saying you're playing you're own game, but sorry Goldilocks, all I see is you doing Janelle's bidding.

The conversation turns to Ashley and how Janelle thinks that Ashley is not only really smart, but is playing up the dumb card. Wil sort of agrees. He agrees for Janelle's benefit, but you kind of get the impression that he really doesn't agree within his own soul. Janelle says that Danielle, on the other hand, is exactly how she comes off - sweet and naive. A pudding faced simpleton with button eyes and squishy cheeks. She's essentially a rag doll.

Like every other conversation in the house, this one eventually makes it way back to Willie. My sweet little leg of lamb Willie. Covered in mint jelly Willie. Wil doesn't think for one second that Shane and JoJo weren't aligned with Willie up until the very end. Wil's biggest pet peeve, the one thing that tangles his petticoats, is when people don't own up to their actions. Then his upper lip crawls up his nostril and he whines about how Shane should have voted with them during week one. For someone who claims to be so independent, he sure does talk along about everyone doing things together as a group. Personally, I hate it when the house votes together. It's boring, it's predictable, and it's a bunch of sheeple not thinking for themselves. Why shouldn't Shane vote how he wants to vote? Butt out Wil.

Up in the HOH we find Shane and Frank. Shane is telling Frank that Joe was in his ear early on telling him that he needs to go after Frank this week. Now, I don't put a lot of stock into anything Joe says, but for the love of God, Shane - he's right! Frank rolls his eyes in response and claims that he's not surprised at all that Joe has turned on him. Shane then begins to comfort Frank but assuring him that he hasn't made a choice about nominations yet. He does, however, want to be true to Frank. Alright, what's the deal here? Does Frank have beer flavored nipples or something? Why is Shane so eager to protect a guy who wanted his ass gone last week? Shane then reveals that his goal this week is to get rid one of Janelle's people. Call me crazy, but I say you get rid of your toughest competitor. Stop focusing on the damn teams and take out anyone who can beat you in competitions! i.e. Frank. Frank!

Shane then tells Frank that his main target this week is Wil. You know, because Wil is so brawny and winning. Shane knows that Frank has a final Oceanic Six deal with Wil so how does he feel about Wil going on the block? Frank can barely hold his giggles in, that's how he feels. Of course he's fine with it. Of course! What is going to say Shane? "Oh no, don't put up one of my weak alliance members from Janelle's team. Put up someone from Boogie's team instead." What-ever.

Frank's only issue with Wil going on the block is that Janelle's team supported him last week (yeah, supported you in wanting Shane out). Shane then thanks Frank for not backdooring him last week. He. Thanks. Him. This is Shane's HOH yet he's the one kissing everyone's ass. It's Bizarro World Big Brother is what it is. Frank quickly blames the backdoor plan on Boogie (lie). If you'll remember, Boogie was the one who made the deal not to backdoor Shane. It was Frank who threw the temper tantrum and yelled at everyone to stop talking game when Shane won that POV.

(How does Shane get his tennies so white?)

It's at this point when Paranoid Patty comes barreling through the door. It's Britney and she caught a whiff on the wind that Shane was doing something without her. Here's the thing - inexplicably, Shane has a secret deal with Frank. I don't know the details of the secret deal, but I think it's something like - Shane protects Frank until the end of time and Frank tries like hell to get Shane out of the game. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Anyhow, Britney has joined the conversation and has promptly taken it over. Shane, however misguided, has it under control, but Britney is under the impression that this is her HOH. Frank gets up to leave and the second he's out the door, Britney reprimands Shane for revealing too much. She says that everything Shane said to Frank will end up back in Boogie's ear. She tells Shane to nominate Frank and Wil unless Frank gets saved in the Coaches' Competition. Earlier she saw Frank and Wil talking together and thinks they must be up to no good. This revelation surprises Shane, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to protect Frank. He tells Britney that he wants to get rid of one of Janelle's players this week because he thinks Boogie's team will protect him next week.

With Britney everything Shane says is in one ear and out the other. It's either her way or the highway. She interrupts him, never lets him finish a thought, and dictates how his HOH should go. It doesn't take Shane long to fall into her trap of complete submission. He asks Britney what they should do if Janelle wins the Coaches Comp and saves Wil. He asks like a little boy, "Then Joe and Frank?" Britney ignores his silly inquiries and states that they simply can't let Janelle win the competition. Britney says that Dan told her he'd fight to win. Dan. Dan, the guy who throws everything.

And now we arrive at something so infuriating that every part of me is still seething. Britney finally admits that Willie wasn't being homophobic at all back when he was talking about Wil - back during that awfulness that set my fig newton into a downward spiral. She explains how Willie did nothing derogatory and how it was all completely blown out of proportion. *stares blankly* She says this now. Today. NOW. Would it have killed her to say this back when, oh I don't know, the entire house believed the lies and turned on my pumpkin pie Willie?!? What. The. Fuck. Britney is a coach. A coach protects her team. They're supposed to look out for their best interest. It still chaps my ass that Britney couldn't speak up when it mattered most. If she's not shutting up her team members, she's running from them whenever they have a problem. Britney is truly truly awful. Worst coach ever.

OK so the Coaches Competition comes and goes and horribly awful Janelle wins it and saves Wil. Joe and Ian are Have-Not's (Ian volunteered again) and America, dumb ass America, voted to give them cereal and salmon. As someone who lives off of Special K and salmon, that sounds like heaven to me. It should be heaven to Joe too! Salmon is a chef's dream. You can cook it a million ways to Sunday and with the accoutrements he's allowed to use, you'd think he'd be overjoyed. But no. No! Joe is bunged up and freaking out. In addition, Boogie won some money and gave $3000 to Ian and $1000 to Jenn.

Up in the HOH room we find Shane, Boogie, and Britney. All Shane and Britney care about is keeping Shane safe next week. Boogie seems open to negotiations as long as Frank stays safe this week. You see that Britney? You see how Boogie is protecting Frank? Novel idea, isn't it?  If Shane has to put Frank on the block, Boogie wants assurance that Frank won't end up going home. Britney thinks it's best for them to put up one person from Boogie's team and one from Janelle's team. For some reason, she thinks doing this will keep Shane safer - instead of the obvious of then having TWO teams going after him.

The afternoon leading up to the Nomination Ceremony continues to be hectic and fragrant. Fragrant because of all the Shalimar ass kissing. Joe trundles his carcass up to the HOH and hopes the breakfast in bed he served Shane (which he later divulged the DR told him to do - yuck!) was enough to keep him off the block. Shane tells Joe that he needs to worry about who will protect him next week. Britney, however, interjects and tries to squash anything Shane says. She tells Joe that it is pointless to have these conversations right now. It's best to wait until after POV. Even Jenn makes an appearance in the HOH. It's brief and boring and kiss assy.

The Nomination Ceremony comes and goes and we discover that Joe and Ashley have been nominated for eviction. Joe's reaction is one of a little punk. His heart starts to race and his blood pressure rises. He crawls into the DR to hyperventilate and, most likely, yell.

Janelle is also none too pleased. She wants to know why Shane put up two of her people. Britney tells her that she feels like Janelle really burnt her in week one and messed up her game. Janelle replies by avoiding the question and telling her that Frank is the one they should all be scared of. He's the one who should be the target. As much as I dislike Janelle, I agree with her on this. I don't know what it is about Frank that convinces people he's loyal and to look out for him, but it is indeed scary. He hasn't really proved to be all that physically threatening as of yet and his HOH win was kind of a fluke, but I heartily think that psychologically (and magically) he is incredibly dangerous. It's not that he's all that bright, it's that his hair holds a magic potion that makes people want to protect him. If Britney and Janelle were smart, they'd shave that mop while he slept and be done with it.

On the flipside, here's how Ashley reacted. Her eyeballs got stuck in her skull and she spent the rest of the night banging on her head trying to get them back in place.

So, that's where I'll end this today. I'm hoping for the blog to return mid next week. In the meantime, gather around and listen to me good. You DO NOT want to miss the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight. You do not, you do not, you do not! I don't want to give anything away, but bring your fig newtons, your lamb, your pork and pumpkin pies, and any outstanding OWI warrants you have lying around. Viva la revolucion!

So, what do you think of Shane's nominations? Is he making a mistake by protecting Frank? Will Joe have a heart attack before the end of the weekend? What the name of the 80's warehouse Shane shops at? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!


  1. Was reading on the updates that Joe used the toilet while making that breakfast-in-bed for Shane and Britney and didn't wash his hands. And went right back to cooking! Friggin' NASTY. I can't believe this douche is any kind of "chef". If I didn't like him before he totally skeeves me out now. Icky.

  2. The picture of Ashley is epic, that chick is fruit loopy.

  3. Why doesn't someone let THAT slip! Because it is true and making up lies is so much better. Haven't we read that housemates are getting sick after eating his cooking?

  4. LOL at that pic and your description of Ashley.

  5. I am amazed. I thought I would hate Shane the most out of all of them, escpecially after seeing that puka shall necklace. At this point I am actually rooting for him. Then again who else can I root for now that Willie is gone.
    However if Shane actually starts responding to Danielle throwing herself at him I will have to hate him. I don't think I have ever seen a chick more desperate. Even the "rock of love" skanks have more self esteem than ole pumpkin head.

  6. Danielle is practically molesting Shane. I know he isn't interested, but if he can stomach it he can probably use this to better his game.

  7. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! Jk, everything you're saying is spot on; she is sucking at coaching and is definitely controlling. But tell me you don't think her diary rooms are effing hilarious. I may not want her as my coach, but I would absolutely want to laugh my ass of with her.

  8. Every time frank smiles I see Ronald McDonald....

  9. Man, did this season go to the dogs quick.

  10. Where Shane like totally gets his *rad* clothes-

    PS-I liked the name of the company!

  11. I love this blog....honestly it's smart, funny, and well written. You are loved and appreciated. That said...I love Brit. To me she's is funny and she's damn hot. The things I would she the best coach, was she the best player? Nope, but do I love her? Yes!!! I'm happy for Shane and Brit. They are the underdogs and I'd like to see them flip the script. Willie did get a raw deal but overall he is responsible for his action. He did play to hard to fast. But as I said I know how easy it is to turn a blind eye on someone's fault when you like them.

  12. Joe not washing his hands is so gross. I read that some place else as well. Who recalls from BB3, Danielle going "ghetto fabulous?" Lori walks into the living room to hear the houseguests talking about Gerry not washing his hands and mixing the salad. Lori asks if someone talked to Gerry about it and asked who the "ringleader" was. Danielle jumped up and went NUTS! LOL Gerry was called in and Danielle nicely spoke to him about it. I will NEVER forget her face when she looked at Lori after and said, "HAPPY?" That was back in the day when the guests didn't need to make up shit to keep things interesting. Stuff like personal hygiene made the show roll! Great blog as always beetch! Hope the move went well.