Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Thug Life

 Another day in Pelican Bay State Prison. Home to California's most dangerous criminals, Pelican Bay is a remarkably sleepy village. The inmates seldom fight and on the rare occasion that they do, the warden takes them out back and shoots them from the guard tower. It's all very Shawshank Redemption. Just make the bitch her money and you'll live to see the yard another day. Defy her and you'll lose all mobility while spending the rest of your life drinking your dinner through a straw. Prison life isn't easy and it will harden a person's soul. Each day you spend behind bars those soft fluffy parts of you that exist within congeal and curdle hardening over time into an unflappable shell. Your view of the world distorts and lives become equal to a pack of smokes and a handy under the covers. It's a cruel cruel world bitches so pop a squat and grab some cawfee. Let's recap, shall we?

Our no Willie lazy day begins with a smattering of Houseguests on the backyard couch. Ashley's meds have worn off and she has got a bone to pick with Jenn. You see, two nights ago Ashley had a mini breakdown over her decision to keep Frank. She misses her best good friend Kara and doesn't appreciate all of the Willie bashing going on in the house. (I don't appreciate it either!) In that droopy hooded eye way she has, Ashley is angry that Jenn shared Ashley's meltdown with others in the house. Ashley says she's never been malicious in this house and she feels like the Houseguests are making her out to be a bad guy simply for missing a mute Playmate.

Listening to this, Jenn would prefer it if they could have this conversation in private, but Ashley is too comatose to move right now. From 10am - 8pm, Ashley rides her liquid melt and floats through the house like a slow moving fog. So, fastened to the sofa, Ashley gurgles about how her comment about missing Kara was blown way out of proportion. From now on, she just won't talk anymore. It gets her into too much trouble, that whole talking thing.

Jenn isn't satisfied with Ashley's weirdo reaction and, in a very Britney like manner, pokes and prods Ashley hoping to get a reaction she'll be satisfied with. Ashley, however, continues to sigh repeatedly. She's clearly bothered, but her face is a blank slate giving off the impression that she's not bothered. It's passive aggressive on a lithium diet personified. She might have a few of those Survivor morphine kazoos in her bra and when no one is looking she leans over and takes a giant drag off from her breasticles.

Unsatisfied, Jenn and Wil are in the Foot Room having a massive bitch fest. Wil is doing that thing where he sneers all the time while Jenn is rehashing the nonincident over and over and over again. Wil says that if Ashley wants to sabotage her own game then so be it. But she better not sabotage theirs. Jenn says that Ashley feels like she was attacked even though she wasn't.

Also, Ashley has been concerned lately that Frank is in a final two deal with Ian. Frank tried to reassure her that this wasn't the case, but Ashley is a hard nut to crack. Not because she's a hardened criminal or anything, but because of her short term memory loss. Talking to Ashley in the game of Big Brother is like that Drew Barrymore movie 50 First Dates. She'll pledge her alliance to a certain group of people and then completely forget about it 5 minutes later. It's like 50 First Alliances and it's absolutely exhausting. I used to think Ashley was a savant genius who was playing the whole house, but now I think she can't even remember what her name is.

Anyhow, Wil is pissed off that Ashley is upset about anything at all. The bitch got her key already for the week so how dare she be angry about anything. Wil thinks that Ashley has zero appreciation for everything he has done for her and that she is only caring about her own game. No offense Wil but whose game should be worrying about? Yours? You selfish cow.

Speaking of Wil, he's really beginning to chap my ass. I wanted to like him. In fact, I wanted to love him and I did for a hot minute, but he's tight with Joe, he won't let the Willie thing go, and all he does it get mad at anyone more interesting than he is. Plus, he hates it when others think for themselves and don't do whatever it is he is thinking that day. It bothers him to no end that Ashley won't just blindly go along with her BB-given alliance. And let's face it, that's what all of these alliances are. Big Brother forced the HG's to create dumb ass teams and now those dumb ass teams are arbitrary alliances.

After bitching to Wil for a sufficient enough time, Jenn moves into the Lounge to talk to Dan. They're talking about her music which is probably the only thing that makes Jenn not so annoying gamewise. Again, I want to love Jenn - I really do. I'm trying. I haven't given up on her yet. I just need her to stop being so passive aggressive. So anyhow, Dan is grilling Jenn on her music which is how he plays the game. He's creating relationships without being overly kiss assy and pushy. It's not a bad strategy I guess. It's just really freaking boring to watch.

Off in another room, we meet a new Houseguest. Meet Shana. Shana likes to wear curlers in her hair until 6pm and breed rabbits in her tiny apartment. She drinks box wine with ice cubes in it and yells at the neighborhood dogs. Shana is a welcome addition to the house except her belches smell like maraschino cherries... which is odd considering there are no cherries in the house. So yeah, that's Shana.

While Dan is trying to help out his girl Danielle, we have Britney bitching and moaning about life. She hates this, she hates that. You suck, they suck, I suck. Life is so miserable. Shana wasn't even funny. Bitch, bitch, moan, moan. Oh woe is Britney. Hey Brit, how about working for your team some time? You remember them, right? Shane and JoJo? JoJo is, you know, on the block!

So, after many hours, Jenn finally gets her private chat with Ashley. Only, JoJo interrupts them and warns them that the girls keep losing and the guys will be running this game in no time. Jenn insists that the girls are trying to win, but are having no luck. Meanwhile, Ashley mumbles to herself about taking a 24 hour hiatus from talking game.

Luckily for us, Ashley's brain resets every 5 minutes so as soon as JoJo leaves she begins to talk game. Ashley apologizes to Jenn for how she's been acting and insists she's been avoiding Jenn to throw off the rest of the house. She doesn't want Shane and Danielle to know that Jenn's team is working with Ashley's team. At this point, I have no idea if this is true. I can never tell with Ashley. I swear, I haven't been able to get a read on this girl since day one. Jenn replies by saying she feels very disrespected by how Ashley has been treated her. Here's the thing, Jenn always feels disrespected. Whether it's a look, a breath, or a fart, chances are Jenn is disrespected by it.

The conversation turns to Wil and how Ashley is very put off by him. Not only does she think he's a floater, but she believes he's extremely paranoid and cutthroat. She wonders if he'll turn on her the way he turned on Kara. Jenn advises Ashley to keep Wil at bay and both gals agree that they want to see the guys take one another out.

The discussion then turns to Shane and how Ashley says she wish she knew about the plan to backdoor him. Jenn tells her that the nominate process was rushed because of the Willie drama and that Frank only had about 5 minutes to make his decisions.

Night falls, and we get a booze delivery. Danielle claims a bottle of white wine for herself and Joe claims a bottle of red for himself. Boogie, Jenn, and Britney get 3 beers apiece.

Around the time BBAD was on, we get an interesting conversation between Joe and JoJo. Joe is advising JoJo to campaign and fight hard to stay in the game. JoJo insists that she has a plan all worked out and will put it all into motion tomorrow. She says timing is of the utmost importance in this game only she didn't really use that exact same phrasing. Hers went something like, "Yo, it's all about mad timing Joe. I gawt this." You see, JoJo has been a failure all of her life and Big Brother is her chance to prove to everyone that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. She has no intention of going home this week and is simply waiting for the right moment to pounce. Joe tells her that if she fights to stay tomorrow, then she'll have his vote.

And because this is Pelican Bay and it is survival of the fittest, JoJo offers up 2 packs of cigarettes to sweeten the deal. Since I try to avoid watching Joe as much as possible, I had no idea he even smoked. But, he must, because he likes this deal and tells JoJo that he thinks there's a possibility that Shane and JoJo could work with Wil and Joe again. JoJo asks, "You want back with us now?" Joe insists he always was with them (lie), but that everything was Willie's fault. JoJo makes Joes swear on his kids before he leaves and Joe does. Will it stick? I don't know. I guess we'll find out if his kids keel over on Thursday.

The conversation ends and JoJo immediately goes to the Have Not Room to rehash it all for Shane. If Joe reneges on the deal, she's going to demand her cigarettes back before she leaves the house. Shane thinks they should tell Frank and Ian that Joe approached them and use it as leverage. JoJo likes that idea and then goes on and on for about 5 minutes about her cigarette deal. Which, you must admit, is a first for the Big Brother house. Furthermore, Shane is coaching JoJo far better than Britney ever has. Britney's only advice has been not to talk and to distance themselves from Willie.

After talking with Shane, JoJo makes her first move on Ashley. She tells Ashley that she wonders how smart it is to play in teams. They're not in there to win their coaches $100K. They're in there to win $500K for themselves. She tells Ashley that Shane is extremely loyal and even they weren't on the same team, she'd be in an alliance with him. However, had Willie stayed in the game, she would have dumped him from her alliance (traitor!). JoJo thinks that she and Shane are responsible for Willie snapping. She thinks the fact that they weren't talking to him sent him over the edge (wrong).

JoJo continues and tells Ashley that she's not a bully like the others. Ashley is a smart girl and she can make this decision on her own. No matter what, Ashley is JoJo's favorite girl in this house. Jenn however, not so much. JoJo likes Jenn and will hang out with her and buy her CD's when she leaves the house, but there's something about her in the house that's "not right". JoJo gets a weird vibe from Jenn and she just doesn't trust her. JoJo tells Ashley that she also doesn't trust Wil - especially after what he did to Kara (nice touch JoJo since Ashley loathes what Wil did to Kara as well). JoJo overheard Wil outside talking game earlier and she warns Ashley that he's really smart and physical. i still have yet to see Wil's physical prowess that everyone is so scared of,  but whatever. JoJo ends the conversation by telling Ashley that she wants her to work with JoJo and Shane.

And that's where I'll end this today. I usually like to take Thursdays off,  I think I have to miss Friday (I know, I know, I'm sorry!). The blog will return Saturday. The inconsistencies should calm down after next week.

So, what do you guys think? Does Ashley have a medical condition that makes her forget? Will JoJo promise to be someone's bitch today? Do you want Danielle or JoJo to go home? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Watch Big Brother 14 on SuperPass!


  1. You know, as much as I think Jojo is a bitch, Danielle is just SOOO boring. I hope Jojo stays for that reason alone.

    I also am torn about whether Ashley is super good at this game or just completely high out of her mind, but in her interview she said she was going to brainwash everyone with her love energy (I think that's drug slang) so maybe promising everyone she is loyal to them is her way of doing it? we shall see I guess.

    Love the blog bitch :)

  2. Yes, Ashley's medical condition is a xanax induced amnesia..

  3. I'm sick of this I like Jo Jo one day, can't stand her the next. It's like we're 17 years old, dating, and we're both always drunk. She needs to pick a side, or create a side, or talk only in asides.

    I don't know how and when Britney can go but now is even too late for me. I don't mind her bitching about the game but everything out of her mouth sounds likes my house when I bring home the wrong kind of hot cheetos ( i live with 4 women).

    Shane, Jo Jo, and Britney need to get it togetherm make a deal with Janelle's people and play this thing hard with closed mouths.

  4. Wait...there's a wrong kind of cheetos?

  5. Ashley is not on this planet. That's why I call her Space Cadet. People are trying to talk down here on planet Earth, but she's way off in Mars going. I seriously hope she makes it far though, just so I can finally determine if it's pre-planned game, or if she just has a disability.

  6. I am SO bored with this group. I had not turned on the live feeds for the last day or so and finally last night i decided to. What did I see...Frank and Dan playing chess and Boogie watching. THAT was on all 4 feeds!

    Hoping that something interesting happens tonight or at least tomorrow. I don't even know who I want to win HOH. So boring!!!!

    1. Agreed- I have never been so bored/not cared about a group of HG's more than during this season.

      Each moment seems so predictable/i don't care what happens next. I hate how long I have waited for this season and now I just can't wait for it to be over. I'd rather listen to Rachel cry about Brenden then any part of this season so far.

  7. Funny...

    Do Ashley's looks remind anyone else of the girl who starred in "Dead Like Me"?

  8. I wish I could care, but I'm watching BBUK and all I can wonder is why don't we have this show here? They all smoke, they all drink, and the drama is so much more compelling than our version (aka the US version) of this show and when things fall into a lull, Big Brother ratchets up the drama via rules and tasks.

    I'm just so disappointed. So very, very disappointed.

  9. *Looks at picture*

    Whoa, how did Claire Danes get in the house? And it looks like she just smelled one of Frank's farts.

  10. It's crazy how the first 10 days were so I struggle to watch this crap.

    There's nobody that I want to root for.

    By the way....from a strategy standpoint, Britney should have made Jo Jo the 1st HOH. This way Shane and Willie could have competed the next week.

    But then again, Lane wasn't there to tell her what to do.....

    I love your blog.

  11. All I have to say is this:

    Thank you Lala! You are the only reason I am still watching this load of garbage. Your blogs keep me entertained and interested. Allison Grodner is supposed to be doing that; however, she has failed in this task for three seasons! Lala could take her job, and do it way better than Allison ever could.

  12. Pretty boring since Willie left.

    I'm rooting for Jojo to stay. Not even sure that I like her that much, but Danielle is super boring. Plus I think we find out what the twist with the coaches is if Dan loses all his players.

  13. Haven't watched the feeds in two days. All they talk about is food, exercise and other tv shows.
    JoJo is fucked! She's going home.

  14. I agree with Neicy, lets start it right here and now. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . ..Grodner out!

    Colette Lala to take over as executive producer!

  15. This entire season, which I thought might be the best ever, has gone to hell in a hand basket. The second Willie left the house so did any interest I had in any of these whiny, hypocritical pieces of shit. I swear to God, if I hear the "bully" thing tossed around one more time I will throw up. First of all, bullying is a very real and legitimate societal issue. Hearing Janelle and Boogie (and everyone else at this point) bitch about how Willie terrorized the house with his bully mentality has literally driven me to throw things at my TV. Not only because the shit they spew is utter bullshit (if Willie was a bully, then I'm the Pope...) but because it diminishes the importance of the whole issue. For God's sake, these people have children! Shouldnt this issue be on their parental radar!?! My last issue with the whole situation is that I am all for game play. But I think that attacking someone's reputation, as was done to Willie, is unforgivable. It was a disgusting thing to watch and it has truly turned me off of this show. I am only thankful that I purchased the live feeds on a monthly basis so I can cancel them as soon as possible, because I have a more invested interest in watching paint dry than watching these heinous people fight for the prize. I will always read this blog because it is hilarious and wonderful and makes me happy, dammit. I might even tune into the show if there is absolutely nothing on, but I'm sure that will be a rare occurrence. I can barely stand the sight of any of those idiots....Ugh.

  16. i just have to say britney is so dumb she couldnt win her season now she's ruined this season. She started the big fight with willy when she told him the coaches might be put in at a later time thats when willie started trying to take controll. Then britney actually tells her group not to talk to the guy. Im glad willie left the way
    he did noone would talk to him but then britney jojo and shane think willie was wrong to walk out on than. If they talked to him maybe he would have had a little support and maybe he would have fought to stay, I liked willie

  17. I hope Will's hair becomes infested with lice.He's a disgusting person & a hypocrite. He talks smack behind everyone's back.He's a classic mean girl. MissPiggy isn't that far behind him. I thought new
    motherhood is supposed to soften a persons disposition. Shes more like a chunky Joan Crawford & Ashley is darling Christina being beaten into submission. What a shitty season BB14 is turning out to be.