Thursday, June 27, 2013

Bizarre Love Triangle

Glassy eyed and heavily buzzed we stare blankly at the rectangular glowing light in the darkness. Haphazard pillows tossed this way and that. Face cream slathered on as a bra hangs limply on the doorknob. 8 minutes. 6 minutes. Refresh. Refresh. Tell the virgins to calm down. Regret the fact that you drank as much as you did in "celebration". Must. Stay. Awake. 2 minutes. 1 minute. Refresh. Goddammit Refresh!

And voila! Blackness. A black hole from whence no light can escape. A black hole vacuum sucking up my patience, my dignity, and, most importantly, my buzz. After a very loud and determined Twitter temper tantrum, fans assisted fans in a "Hands Across America" kind of a way. Click the tiny clue, set it to a time only west coasters can relate to, clear your cache, sacrifice a virgin, dance around the fire clutching a clucking chicken, when he tells you the password, refresh and VOILA!

The Feeds sprang to life and we all exhaled. Downstairs in the bathroom, most of the womenfolk were busy getting makeovers by Ginamarie, GM for short, for an upcoming fashion show/pageant. Upstairs, a sad frightened lass clutched a pillow and looked forlornly into the distance. Jessie, my early call as the season crier and most likely to have a nervous breakdown, has even astounded yours truly with my scarily accurate skills of clairvoyance. As it turns out not only has Jessie been nominated for eviction along with Candice, but she is caught up in a bizarre love triangle and finds herself repeating words, comforting squishy words and mantras, over and over again in her head... I feel fine and I feel good. I feel like I never should. Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say. Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday...

As far as the others go, we begin to get a brief glimpse into what their house roles might be. Judd, as it turns out, is just as hard to understand in person as he is in interviews. Inexplicably he wears sunglasses indoors while Amanda, the house comedienne, jokingly asks him, "What the fuck did you just say?" Jazz Hands Andy flits hither and thither in matching neon pink pants and shorts while Aaryn announces over and over that she's ready to be a Playboy Model.

Slowly we begin to get some game insight and are able to catch up with what's gone down over the past 5 days. With a chance to finally be alone, Howard and Nick sit in the HOH room intensely discussing the upcoming MVP twist. Here is what we know so far: Nick, Howard, Spencer, McRae and Jeremy are in an all boys alliance called The Moving Company. Do they strap things on their backs and break the knobs off of your one of a kind dressers? That, I do not know. What I do know is that they want Bouffant (David) and Elvira (Elissa) out of the house as soon as possible. They're unsure where Andy's loyalty stands at this point and are equally wary of Aaryn. Apparently, Aaryn and some of the other gals (not exactly sure whom) have an alliance called The Blondtourage. I am unclear as to whether that is a name the ladies gave themselves or whether it is something Nick made up. The point is that there seems to be a battle of sexes sprinkled with crossover suballiances, but more on that later.

Back downstairs, the girls are almost ready for their big fashion show/pageant. GM has sewn extensions into everyone's head and loaned out her best clubbing dresses. There is just one last contestant who needs some final touches - including glitter on his nipples, I shit you not. It is Bouffant looking fetching in hot pink.

As the crowd begins to gather and wait impatiently in the Living Room, Aaryn sits at an empty typewriter giving Amanda an improv opportunity that Jazz Hands has somehow let escape from his twinkling fingers. As Aaryn types, Amanda begins to voice over "Dear Diary" entries. Vapid entries of a blonde girl with the vocabulary of a 10 year old. Was Amanda subtly calling Aaryn a twit or was it all in good fun? Either or, Aaryn seemed to enjoy it and so did I.

Finally, after brutal minutes of Candice saying the phrase "Gone With The Wind fabulous" over and over and over again, the fashion/show pageant begins. When Candice tells the ladies that they'll be asked a question in front of the audience, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) crosses her arms over her chest and whines about how she doesn't want to have to talk. For some reason, the rest of the girls (save Amanda who was in the audience with the fellas) accept this with no questions asked. They must already be used to this sort of bratty behavior at this point. I have no idea.

So the fashion show/pageant takes place and we discover that Helen is a delightful little pistol. She's a tiny whippet of a gal ready to be Chenbot's understudy whenever a hosting emergency arises. Naturally, she wins and is immediately dressed up like a stuffed animal.

It is when the pageant ends and the hair extensions come out that the delicious whiff of scandal begins to permeate through our screens. Eyebrows and GM are up in the HOH room and Eyebrows is just busting to talk about her recent Diary Room session. She says that the DR asked her such leading questions that she now knows how some other people in the house think of her. And by "other people", I mean Jessie. It turns out that the gals of the house all had a discussion early on about the boys they wanted to canoodle with. Aaryn and Bouffant entered itemhood quickly while Jessie laid claim to Nick leaving Jeremy wide open for Eyebrows to pounce on. The only problem is that Nick isn't interested in bumping uglies with Jessie so Jessie quickly changed her mind and confided into Eyebrows that Jeremy is now the object of her affection. The problem is that Eyebrows now likes Jeremy too. Oh the horror!

Eyebrows laments about how awful it is that Jeremy flirts with her on his own accord while sad sack Jessie gets ignored and she's on the block to boot! Waving her hands around and acting like it's the end of the world, Eyebrows tells GM it's not her fault Jeremy flirts with her. Oh no Eyebrows, it's not your fault at all. You strategically bend over in ass crack shorts as often as you can as soon a boy enters the room. You're as innocent as a daisy.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Elvira and Amanda are changing out of their pageant wear and lotioning up for the night. Elvira announces what we all suspected would happen... she tells Amanda how she really wants to say hi to all of the Rachel fans especially the "Brenchel Army". So there you have it, the sister secret is out of the bag and everybody in the house knows who she is.

Speaking of Elvira, word on the street is that she may have gotten into some spats early on with Candice and GM. The house consensus seems to be to get rid of her as soon as possible with some people suggesting that McRae backdoor her this week. Because of some sound issues on the feeds, I was able to watch a conversation between Elvira and McRae, but I was unable to listen. It is unclear at this point whether MC (McRae) and Elvira are in a secret alliance together or if MC will do the bidding of The Moving Company and try to backdoor Elvira.

And now it's time for everyone to put on some melancholy chick music and prepare yourselves to that whiny hot mess Jessie. I'm still astounded by how well I nailed this chick. I knew, I just knew, she was going to be a hotbed of emotional breakdowns. This one is a handful. A whiny handful of tears and antidepressants. Anyhow, Jessie has decided to retire early for the evening because she doesn't like everybody giving her sympathetic looks for being on the block. Nick and Andy confront her in the darkness and advise her to keep doing exactly what she's doing and lay low. Andy tells her not to "ruffle any feathers" and Jessie says she won't as long as people stop asking her how she's feeling. It makes her feel "icky".

That's a nice story and all Jessie, but that's not why she's upset. After the boys leave and Aaryn enters, Jessie confesses that she's ooey gooey for Jeremy. Jeremy once said hi to her and she just naturally assumed that they were in love, planning a wedding, going to move into a house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids, an herb garden and 3 cats. But tonight Jeremy was all over Eyebrows! She whines that she doesn't blame Eyebrows (she totally does). I mean, it's not Eyebrows' fault she's so pretty. Jessie just thought she and Jeremy really had something special. He once asked her to pass the salt and she swooned. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Aaryn tells Jessie that Jeremy is simply a flirt. He's just that type of guy who likes to rub girls inappropriately. It's just good old fashioned groping and nothing more than that. Jessie whines some more about all the mixed signals and the color of the peonies she ordered for the wedding. If Jeremy was flirting with her and thinking of names for their future children (that would naturally all start with J's) then how can he be snuggling with Eyebrows at the same time?! It's all so confusing for Jessie, but at the same time it is also a gift because it gives her something to obsess about and, lord knows, chicks like Jessie love to obsess.

Eventually, Aaryn leaves and Jeremy enters to have "the talk". He tells Jessie how he can't help it that all the girls are throwing themselves at him. *eyeroll* He's not even really thinking about the girls. He's focusing more on his game and can't let the girls throw him off his goal. Jessie whines that she knows Eyebrows is so pretty to which Jeremy replies, "All the girls in here are gorgeous." He assures Jessie that she is exactly the kind of girl he goes for - minus the smoking and fits of manic depression - and that just because he snuggled with Eyebrows, it doesn't mean that he likes Jessie any less.

Naturally, Jessie takes this as a proposal of marriage. She begins to sit up a little straighter and flip her hair just so. She'll try her hardest not to be bothered when Jeremy fingerbangs Eyebrows. She's just worried about what her TV edit will look like more than anything else. She doesn't want the viewing public to see her as a needy clingy leech girl (too late). The conversation ends and Jessie closes her eyes smiling to herself wondering if St. Lucia would be a cool place for a destination wedding.

And there you have it. Day 1 (kind of) in the Big Brother 15 house! I tell ya, I'm pleasantly surprised. This is a crew that's ready to play. We already have romance, jealousy, possible spats, multiple alliances, outed secrets and a future 5150 on our hands. I love it!

So, what do you guys think so far? Is there anyone you've changed your opinion about? Do you think MC and Elvira are secretly working together? Will Jessie stab Eyebrows in her sleep? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. I was nervous about this cast but all signs point to an interesting summer so far. Looking forward to your blogs!

  2. Oh boy! Jessie looks like she's Danielle 2.0 with and Jeremy is her Shane. Get that girl some fried chicken and some sweat pants!

  3. Watching the live feeds, it was driving me nuts who Gina Marie reminded me of. Then it came to me. She's Cheri Oteri doing a skit for SNL. Expect the unexpected. LOL

  4. Nice Recap. I'm living vicariously through blogs like yours this season since I lack the time or inclination to get the feeds and yet want to follow along more than just the network broadcast. Thanks!

  5. I have never read your blog before this season. You've got me LOLing all over the place. Fantastic writing! :)

  6. I think that Jeremy had an "Oh Shit" moment when he moved that curtain back and saw Jessie standing there with a bloody knife. He and Kaitlin (Eyebrows works) better sleep with one eye open. That bitch is so delusional that she puts all of the other psychos in that house to shame. I love me some crazy! And...for the life of me, I can't see what is so great about Jeremy. I do agree that the male gender in that house is slim pickin's if you are a horny bitch. Let the bitch slapping begin!

  7. After watching After Dark last night I have to say you nailed it! Amanda is definitely the most entertaining and she'd better stick around to be the comedienne of the summer!!!

    1. Amanda is my friend's niece. I hope she wins!

  8. My summer of chaos and you did not disappoint with the blog. Thank you.

  9. Well, I thought going in I would like Spencer. He turned out to be a semi dbag. Maybe I will get used to it, at least he seems to be playing the game hard.
    Amanda seemed cool last night, but she is being too pushy already. Telling people they owe you week 1 before they are even really saved seems like a bad idea.I hope she eases up as she is kind of funny, like to see if she can hang.

    Howard seems to be doing well. I never hear his name come out of anyones mouth and he is ALWAYS talking game, he may last a while.

    The only one I think I could like is Nick. Not seen too much of him but he seems smart.

    All in all, in terms of game play and batshit cray cray, looks like it could be a decent season. Just no one I can see being my fav as of yet (I am sure that will change!).

  10. Thanks Bitch! Was a great recap. Am so looking forward to you're "new blog up" on FB! I, too, like Amanda so far and hope she stays just for the "get real" vib she sends out. I don't think she's going to put up with a bunch of shit from anyone and that might be her downfall. I guess I want Jesse around just for the theatrics. But I see Nick and Howard going far together since there isn't a girl following them around. What did Candace do I wonder to get herself put up? I really haven't seen much of her. The 2 blondes might be mean girls in real life.
    Anyway, the fun begins!

  11. Oh Geez. Your NOT You're. Prby should reread posts.