Friday, June 28, 2013

Mistress Of The Bark

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed away yesterday of self-inflicted stab wounds to her soul. The gruesome scene was discovered by her bohunk husband, Tom Brady, at their palatial estate in Sao Paolo. Gisele is survived by thongs, the Red Hot Fantasy Bra, Met Gala invitations, thigh high stockings and her two children, Benjamin and Vivian. An international icon, Gisele Bundchen was often considered one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It is understood that her publicist made an off the cuff remark about how one, Elvira Slater, alluded to the fact that Ms. Bundchen was her biological sister. Devastated and distraught by the news, Ms. Bundchen locked herself in her Mediterranean inspired Travertine bathroom and proceeded to stab her heart repeatedly with the underwires from her Miracle Bras. In lieu of flowers, the Bundchen-Brady family asks that you please stop voting Elvira for MVP. Let's recap, shall we?

Day 2 in the Big Brother house began with a whole lotta lies... lies, lies, tell me sweet little lies... and a whole lot of suspicion. That monstrosity Elvira (Elissa) started her morning "innocently" musing with tiny feather wisp Helen as to whether or not everyone in the house is a relative of a former Houseguest. They begin to ask anyone who enters their room if they are only children. J-U-DD thinks the question is odd and begins to pester Howard about how he thinks Elvira is Rachel Reilly's sister. Now, I'm not exactly sure how this little fact is still even a question in people's minds. Half the house pretty much knows already, the other half suspects, and then we have J-U-DD wandering around wondering if Aaryn if Hayden's sister. Slow southern drawls don't often necessarily mean the mind is slow as well - except in J-U-DD's case. Slow, slow, slow like molasses.

Off in another part of the house, we find Amanda, GM (Ginamarie) and Nick discussing the house outcast, Elvira. Seriously, this chick is like the plague. Not one person wants to be seen with her and all persons want to be rid of her. While talking about the Black Death, Amanda reveals that she played a large part in MC's (McRae) nominations this week. Initially he wanted to get rid of two strong males, but Amanda changed his mind and talked him into targeting Candice instead. Candice is another unpopular HG who has gotten under people's skin for some reason. I, personally, haven't seen all too much of her on the feeds, but what I have seen is often loud, screeching and pointless. The three continue talking about how Elvira is most likely gunning for Aaryn. They also worry as to where MC's loyalty lies. Will he follow through on the plan to backdoor Elvira?

Nick eventually leaves and the New Yorkers discuss how the votes could go this week. GM can't do all the adding in her head and there isn't an abacus nearby so she and Amanda hold up all their fingers while GM counts and assigns votes. Aaryn enters shortly thereafter and announces that it is harmful to her game to keep Elvira in this house. Apparently, the did have a spat pre-feeds and, from what I can tell, it was about Rachel Reilly. Ever since then, Elvira and Aaryn have been on the outs and began targeting one another. If for some reason, Elvira stays in the house, then Aaryn wants Jessie to stay too because Jessie is nice to her. The problem is that GM and Amanda are now rethinking their initial thoughts on Candice. Yes, she's annoying BUT she's not really a threat.

The three gals then get into a back and forth over keeping either Jessie or Candice. Aaryn won't budge on keeping Jessie and the others don't want to budge on keeping Candice. Finally, Amanda shuts everyone up and tells them that all this week one stressing out is ridiculous. All they need to do is get on the same page for these next two evictions and stop freaking out so much. In the end they agree that Elvira and Candice definitely need to go. BUT, in the event that the MVP puts Aaryn on the block, Aaryn is totally cool with dumping Jessie to save herself. So, to sum up, Plan A is Elvira. Plan B is Candice. They also agree that if anyone but Elvira ends up as the third person on the block, they'll assume that Elvira is MVP.

With the plans in place, Amanda decides that now is a good time to tell the girls that Elvira is indeed Rachel's sister. Hearing this, Aaryn panics and accuses Amanda of protecting Elvira. Amanda tells Aaryn there is no way in hell she's protecting Elvira. If anything, she was going to use that information against her in the future if she needed to. Here's what you need to know, Aaryn is a fucking nutjob. For such a pretty girl to be so insecure is an anomaly. An ex-boyfriend must have done a real number on this chick because she is batshit crazy. More on this later.

So all morning Elvira has been going around the house suggesting all sorts of different people for MVP. The majority of the house isn't buying it and thinks she's a major shit stirrer (true). But, who actually is MVP? Who really did win? Ugh. Elvira won MVP and in doing so I lost a very humiliating bet that you can all hear about tomorrow night at 10pm on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Let's just say that I might have to rethink my regular breast dunking into glitter habit.

Up in the HOH, Elvira can't keep her secret to herself any longer. She's busting to tell someone so she tells MC that she has won MVP. She's super flattered that America voted for her and the room fills with all sorts of horrifying duck lips. MC listens to it all and tells her that even though she won MVP, he's still going to backdoor her. Ha! He says if he doesn't the entire house will hate him and it will put his came into jeopardy. Elvira doesn't understand a word of this and proceeds to rape MC with a barrage of whines. "Buuuut whhhyyyyyy? You don't haaaaaave tooooo." Holy hell, she makes me want to stab my own eardrums with a fireplace poker.

The whine-fest continues for what seems like 18 hours. Elvira keeps asking whhhyyyyy and MC keeps telling her he'll piss of the house if he doesn't. MC tries to calm her down by telling her to nominate who she thinks she can beat in POV. Elvira thinks Bouffant (David) has the best chance of winning. MC, however, doesn't think that the POV will be a physical comp today. He thinks it will be more mental. He tells Elvira that Jeremy isn't very smart at all. Elvira has only one hour to decide who to nominate and she tells MC that if he backdoors her this week, then she's not working with him from here on out.

MC tries to turn into something strategic telling her that if he backdoors her, then the rest of the house will never suspect that they're working together. MC is wisely trying to cover all of his bases and I'm actually kind of impressed by how he's not letting Elvira pressure him into screwing up his own game. I'm still not a fan of the kid, but I can appreciate a good move when I see one.

Funnier still, MC advises Elvira to play up the "crazy angle" since everyone in the house already thinks she's crazy. Hearing this, Elvira contorts her face and whines, "Buuuut I don't waaaaant people to think I'm craaaaazy." Oh honey, too late. And then, AND THEN, MC tells her that she didn't use all that much tact earlier in the week in the Aaryn. Elvira replies, "So why wasn't I being tactful?" MC corrects her, "TactLESS." LOL

Elsewhere in the house, this MVP thing has everyone all riled especially the boys. At this point I was in my car on my way to the doctor listening on my iPad so I'm not exactly sure who was talking, but I think J-U-DD, Aaryn and possibly Bouffant thinks it's incredibly unfair for Elvira to win MVP. She has a built-in fan base coming into the game. One of the guys replies, "I wish I had an advantage too!"

So, what ends up happening with the big MVP? Well, Elvira nominates Bouffant for eviction. For some reason, MC tells Amanda that Elvira is MVP which totally pisses off Elvira but delights me. Amanda has a curious way of being bossy, a little pushy, but still incredibly trustworthy. She gets people to tell her what she wants to know and she's not exactly delicate about it. It's fascinating to watch and I'm still loving her. But for my own sanity, I'd like her to take it down just a notch so she doesn't put herself in danger down the line.

After the MVP announcement, some of the HG's make their way up to the HOH. It is this moment that drives Gisele Bundchen to her untimely death. For god knows what reason, Elvira thinks it is funny to tell people that Gisele is her sister. Well, Jeremy has had about enough of it. Firstly, he has no idea who the hell Gisele is and secondly, he doesn't think Elvira jokes are very funny. The conversation went something like this:

"I'm an angry alpha mala and I don't get yer jokes. Why'd you say you had a model fer a sister?"
"Shouldn't you be picking on guys and not girls? You're a bully!"
"You lied. You don't have no model for no sister."
"I can't believe you don't know who Gisele Bundchen is."
"Why would I know that? I'm an ignorant beefy dude."
"Do you know who Tom Brady is?"
"The quarterback? Yeah. He's got a hot wife."
"Then I have a hard time believing you don't know who Gisele is."
"Keep licking your drink. Does it taste good?"
"You watch me. I'm gonna take yer ass out of this game. Just watch."
"Just watch. I'm a gonna kick yer ass."
Aaaannnd scene!

It was awesome! It made my nipples hard and my loins quiver. Jeremy is a dumb ass twit, but I'm totally digging how he doesn't give a shit what anything thinks of him. I tell you, I'm mighty encouraged by this display of anger. It warms the cockles of my heart.

Elsewhere Aaryn is sad that her coiffed boyfriend is now up for eviction. Aaryn is sad and Bouffant is angry. In fact, Bouffant thinks that the game is rigged since Elvira got picked to play in POV. Honey, join the club! We say this every season. They should show all the chips in the bag before everyone pulls names for veto. I don't see why this is even a question. It is not only ethical, but it would stop all the conspiracy theories. Anyhow, MC, Jessie, Candice, Bouffant, Howard and Elvira will be playing in POV.

In the kitchen Jeremy just can't let this Elvira thing go. He's a vessel of testosterone ready to burst. In addition, he's furious that he doesn't get to play in POV. He insists that he'll win HOH next week and put her ass on the block. He won't be a pussy and backdoor her like MC is doing. He'll put her ass up right next to Amanda whom he also doesn't trust. If anything, all this negative energy just makes Jeremy stronger. All of this might make Jeremy stronger, but it makes Eyebrows (Kaitlin) very worried. She doesn't like the idea of her not-really boyfriend being in the firing line.

In the Living Room, Bouffant has decided to talk things out with Elvira. Now, I think Bouffant knows Elvira is Rachel's sister, but he also had a head full of sand so who the hell knows. Basically, he's an extremely easy target for Elvira to work her manipulation on. She asks him if he really thinks that if she were MVP that she'd nominate him. Then she quickly changes the subjectsand tells him how all the girls are so mean to her. She wanted to be besties and play with them, but they bullied her and now she's all alone. She advises Bouffant to win POV and take himself off the block. I'm assuming she's full of it because her worst nightmare is going on the block herself which is exactly what will happen if someone else comes off. She likes to play mind games and lying for her is as natural as making duck lips and looking cuckoo for cocoa puffs. The conversation between them ends with her crying about how everyone is so mean to her. Oh shut up!

And now we venture off into the Storage Room. The Storage Room is where we keep our most severe cases. And wouldn't you know it, there's Aaryn and her Haldol has just worn off. This is a conversation that went on for about 26 hours, but I'm going to try to make it short and sweet. Aaryn is very mad at Bouffant for talking to Elvira. Bouffant is only supposed to talk to Aaryn and do exactly what she tells him to do. If he can't obey her like she wants him to, then how can she go on trusting him? Doesn't he realize that if he comes off the block then she might go up?! Doesn't he understand that ELVIRA IS COMING AFTER HER?!? HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO HER AFTER THEY'VE SPENT 5 DAYS TOGETHER?!? 5 PERFECT DAYS OF COMBING EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND HE GOES AND TALKS TO ELVIRA?!? GAHHHHH!!!!


In the end, Bouffant did what all wise men should do. He nodded and smiled. "You're right. I was wrong. Can we make out now?" And they lived happily ever after.

I've got lots to do today so I'm going to wrap this up. The POV was a spelling competition with lots of mud and honey. Mudhoney! MC won AGAIN surprising even himself because apparently he's not a good speller. The plan is still to backdoor Elvira, but we all know the evil puppeteer in the sky with her sausage fingers will go to hell and back to prevent that from happening. So, it will indeed be interesting to see what happens during the POV ceremony. If my suspicions are correct, MC will be in the DR all day today getting brainwashed like in Clockwork Orange.

So, what do we think of Elvira winning MVP and telling MC about it? Should she have kept her mouth shut? Will Production find a way to keep her in the game? How many bodies does Aaryn have buried under her house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. "The plan is still to backdoor Elvira, but we all know the evil puppeteer in the sky with her sausage fingers will go to hell and back to prevent that from happening." Ain't that the sad truth. And how stupid of her for telling anyone she is the MVP. I don't see how that makes any strategic sense at all. Also, Aaryn, delightfully crazy. I can't wait to see David's diary rooms. I hope he is in there kicking himself for hooking up with crazy. Now he is stuck. It's awesome.

    Great blog as usual.

  2. I miss Shapiro.

  3. I've always thought each viable house guest should be given their name on a chip right before the POV ceremony, and then put it in the bag themselves. Then, the head of household would put in the "house guests choice" chips. This way there's no question. But then we couldn't rig it, now could we?

  4. LaLa,
    I am curious as to what you think about Hayden (yawn) Moss being on the next Survivor? And he is dating Gumdrop Kat who I think will also be a contestant! If this is the case I am salivating for the blogs to come from you with that scenario =)

    1. I hate it and it makes me want to die.

    2. As I I KNOW the blogs will be delicious!