Mistress Of The Bark

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen passed away yesterday of self-inflicted stab wounds to her soul. The gruesome scene was discovered by her bohunk husband, Tom Brady, at their palatial estate in Sao Paolo. Gisele is survived by thongs, the Red Hot Fantasy Bra, Met Gala invitations, thigh high stockings and her two children, Benjamin and Vivian. An international icon, Gisele Bundchen was often considered one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It is understood that her publicist made an off the cuff remark about how one, Elvira Slater, alluded to the fact that Ms. Bundchen was her biological sister. Devastated and distraught by the news, Ms. Bundchen locked herself in her Mediterranean inspired Travertine bathroom and proceeded to stab her heart repeatedly with the underwires from her Miracle Bras. In lieu of flowers, the Bundchen-Brady family asks that you please stop voting Elvira for MVP. Let's recap, shall we?

Day 2 in the Big Brother house began with a whole lotta lies... lies, lies, tell me sweet little lies... and a whole lot of suspicion. That monstrosity Elvira (Elissa) started her morning "innocently" musing with tiny feather wisp Helen as to whether or not everyone in the house is a relative of a former Houseguest. They begin to ask anyone who enters their room if they are only children. J-U-DD thinks the question is odd and begins to pester Howard about how he thinks Elvira is Rachel Reilly's sister. Now, I'm not exactly sure how this little fact is still even a question in people's minds. Half the house pretty much knows already, the other half suspects, and then we have J-U-DD wandering around wondering if Aaryn if Hayden's sister. Slow southern drawls don't often necessarily mean the mind is slow as well - except in J-U-DD's case. Slow, slow, slow like molasses.

Off in another part of the house, we find Amanda, GM (Ginamarie) and Nick discussing the house outcast, Elvira. Seriously, this chick is like the plague. Not one person wants to be seen with her and all persons want to be rid of her. While talking about the Black Death, Amanda reveals that she played a large part in MC's (McRae) nominations this week. Initially he wanted to get rid of two strong males, but Amanda changed his mind and talked him into targeting Candice instead. Candice is another unpopular HG who has gotten under people's skin for some reason. I, personally, haven't seen all too much of her on the feeds, but what I have seen is often loud, screeching and pointless. The three continue talking about how Elvira is most likely gunning for Aaryn. They also worry as to where MC's loyalty lies. Will he follow through on the plan to backdoor Elvira?

Nick eventually leaves and the New Yorkers discuss how the votes could go this week. GM can't do all the adding in her head and there isn't an abacus nearby so she and Amanda hold up all their fingers while GM counts and assigns votes. Aaryn enters shortly thereafter and announces that it is harmful to her game to keep Elvira in this house. Apparently, the did have a spat pre-feeds and, from what I can tell, it was about Rachel Reilly. Ever since then, Elvira and Aaryn have been on the outs and began targeting one another. If for some reason, Elvira stays in the house, then Aaryn wants Jessie to stay too because Jessie is nice to her. The problem is that GM and Amanda are now rethinking their initial thoughts on Candice. Yes, she's annoying BUT she's not really a threat.

The three gals then get into a back and forth over keeping either Jessie or Candice. Aaryn won't budge on keeping Jessie and the others don't want to budge on keeping Candice. Finally, Amanda shuts everyone up and tells them that all this week one stressing out is ridiculous. All they need to do is get on the same page for these next two evictions and stop freaking out so much. In the end they agree that Elvira and Candice definitely need to go. BUT, in the event that the MVP puts Aaryn on the block, Aaryn is totally cool with dumping Jessie to save herself. So, to sum up, Plan A is Elvira. Plan B is Candice. They also agree that if anyone but Elvira ends up as the third person on the block, they'll assume that Elvira is MVP.

With the plans in place, Amanda decides that now is a good time to tell the girls that Elvira is indeed Rachel's sister. Hearing this, Aaryn panics and accuses Amanda of protecting Elvira. Amanda tells Aaryn there is no way in hell she's protecting Elvira. If anything, she was going to use that information against her in the future if she needed to. Here's what you need to know, Aaryn is a fucking nutjob. For such a pretty girl to be so insecure is an anomaly. An ex-boyfriend must have done a real number on this chick because she is batshit crazy. More on this later.

So all morning Elvira has been going around the house suggesting all sorts of different people for MVP. The majority of the house isn't buying it and thinks she's a major shit stirrer (true). But, who actually is MVP? Who really did win? Ugh. Elvira won MVP and in doing so I lost a very humiliating bet that you can all hear about tomorrow night at 10pm on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Let's just say that I might have to rethink my regular breast dunking into glitter habit.

Up in the HOH, Elvira can't keep her secret to herself any longer. She's busting to tell someone so she tells MC that she has won MVP. She's super flattered that America voted for her and the room fills with all sorts of horrifying duck lips. MC listens to it all and tells her that even though she won MVP, he's still going to backdoor her. Ha! He says if he doesn't the entire house will hate him and it will put his came into jeopardy. Elvira doesn't understand a word of this and proceeds to rape MC with a barrage of whines. "Buuuut whhhyyyyyy? You don't haaaaaave tooooo." Holy hell, she makes me want to stab my own eardrums with a fireplace poker.

The whine-fest continues for what seems like 18 hours. Elvira keeps asking whhhyyyyy and MC keeps telling her he'll piss of the house if he doesn't. MC tries to calm her down by telling her to nominate who she thinks she can beat in POV. Elvira thinks Bouffant (David) has the best chance of winning. MC, however, doesn't think that the POV will be a physical comp today. He thinks it will be more mental. He tells Elvira that Jeremy isn't very smart at all. Elvira has only one hour to decide who to nominate and she tells MC that if he backdoors her this week, then she's not working with him from here on out.

MC tries to turn into something strategic telling her that if he backdoors her, then the rest of the house will never suspect that they're working together. MC is wisely trying to cover all of his bases and I'm actually kind of impressed by how he's not letting Elvira pressure him into screwing up his own game. I'm still not a fan of the kid, but I can appreciate a good move when I see one.

Funnier still, MC advises Elvira to play up the "crazy angle" since everyone in the house already thinks she's crazy. Hearing this, Elvira contorts her face and whines, "Buuuut I don't waaaaant people to think I'm craaaaazy." Oh honey, too late. And then, AND THEN, MC tells her that she didn't use all that much tact earlier in the week in the Aaryn. Elvira replies, "So why wasn't I being tactful?" MC corrects her, "TactLESS." LOL

Elsewhere in the house, this MVP thing has everyone all riled especially the boys. At this point I was in my car on my way to the doctor listening on my iPad so I'm not exactly sure who was talking, but I think J-U-DD, Aaryn and possibly Bouffant thinks it's incredibly unfair for Elvira to win MVP. She has a built-in fan base coming into the game. One of the guys replies, "I wish I had an advantage too!"

So, what ends up happening with the big MVP? Well, Elvira nominates Bouffant for eviction. For some reason, MC tells Amanda that Elvira is MVP which totally pisses off Elvira but delights me. Amanda has a curious way of being bossy, a little pushy, but still incredibly trustworthy. She gets people to tell her what she wants to know and she's not exactly delicate about it. It's fascinating to watch and I'm still loving her. But for my own sanity, I'd like her to take it down just a notch so she doesn't put herself in danger down the line.

After the MVP announcement, some of the HG's make their way up to the HOH. It is this moment that drives Gisele Bundchen to her untimely death. For god knows what reason, Elvira thinks it is funny to tell people that Gisele is her sister. Well, Jeremy has had about enough of it. Firstly, he has no idea who the hell Gisele is and secondly, he doesn't think Elvira jokes are very funny. The conversation went something like this:

"I'm an angry alpha mala and I don't get yer jokes. Why'd you say you had a model fer a sister?"
"Shouldn't you be picking on guys and not girls? You're a bully!"
"You lied. You don't have no model for no sister."
"I can't believe you don't know who Gisele Bundchen is."
"Why would I know that? I'm an ignorant beefy dude."
"Do you know who Tom Brady is?"
"The quarterback? Yeah. He's got a hot wife."
"Then I have a hard time believing you don't know who Gisele is."
"Keep licking your drink. Does it taste good?"
"Yummy!"
"You watch me. I'm gonna take yer ass out of this game. Just watch."
"Bully!"
"Just watch. I'm a gonna kick yer ass."
Aaaannnd scene!

It was awesome! It made my nipples hard and my loins quiver. Jeremy is a dumb ass twit, but I'm totally digging how he doesn't give a shit what anything thinks of him. I tell you, I'm mighty encouraged by this display of anger. It warms the cockles of my heart.

Elsewhere Aaryn is sad that her coiffed boyfriend is now up for eviction. Aaryn is sad and Bouffant is angry. In fact, Bouffant thinks that the game is rigged since Elvira got picked to play in POV. Honey, join the club! We say this every season. They should show all the chips in the bag before everyone pulls names for veto. I don't see why this is even a question. It is not only ethical, but it would stop all the conspiracy theories. Anyhow, MC, Jessie, Candice, Bouffant, Howard and Elvira will be playing in POV.

In the kitchen Jeremy just can't let this Elvira thing go. He's a vessel of testosterone ready to burst. In addition, he's furious that he doesn't get to play in POV. He insists that he'll win HOH next week and put her ass on the block. He won't be a pussy and backdoor her like MC is doing. He'll put her ass up right next to Amanda whom he also doesn't trust. If anything, all this negative energy just makes Jeremy stronger. All of this might make Jeremy stronger, but it makes Eyebrows (Kaitlin) very worried. She doesn't like the idea of her not-really boyfriend being in the firing line.

In the Living Room, Bouffant has decided to talk things out with Elvira. Now, I think Bouffant knows Elvira is Rachel's sister, but he also had a head full of sand so who the hell knows. Basically, he's an extremely easy target for Elvira to work her manipulation on. She asks him if he really thinks that if she were MVP that she'd nominate him. Then she quickly changes the subjectsand tells him how all the girls are so mean to her. She wanted to be besties and play with them, but they bullied her and now she's all alone. She advises Bouffant to win POV and take himself off the block. I'm assuming she's full of it because her worst nightmare is going on the block herself which is exactly what will happen if someone else comes off. She likes to play mind games and lying for her is as natural as making duck lips and looking cuckoo for cocoa puffs. The conversation between them ends with her crying about how everyone is so mean to her. Oh shut up!

And now we venture off into the Storage Room. The Storage Room is where we keep our most severe cases. And wouldn't you know it, there's Aaryn and her Haldol has just worn off. This is a conversation that went on for about 26 hours, but I'm going to try to make it short and sweet. Aaryn is very mad at Bouffant for talking to Elvira. Bouffant is only supposed to talk to Aaryn and do exactly what she tells him to do. If he can't obey her like she wants him to, then how can she go on trusting him? Doesn't he realize that if he comes off the block then she might go up?! Doesn't he understand that ELVIRA IS COMING AFTER HER?!? HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO HER AFTER THEY'VE SPENT 5 DAYS TOGETHER?!? 5 PERFECT DAYS OF COMBING EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND HE GOES AND TALKS TO ELVIRA?!? GAHHHHH!!!!

I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU FOR NOT OBEYING ME! HOW CAN I EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN?! YOU'VE DESTROYED ME FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

In the end, Bouffant did what all wise men should do. He nodded and smiled. "You're right. I was wrong. Can we make out now?" And they lived happily ever after.

I've got lots to do today so I'm going to wrap this up. The POV was a spelling competition with lots of mud and honey. Mudhoney! MC won AGAIN surprising even himself because apparently he's not a good speller. The plan is still to backdoor Elvira, but we all know the evil puppeteer in the sky with her sausage fingers will go to hell and back to prevent that from happening. So, it will indeed be interesting to see what happens during the POV ceremony. If my suspicions are correct, MC will be in the DR all day today getting brainwashed like in Clockwork Orange.

So, what do we think of Elvira winning MVP and telling MC about it? Should she have kept her mouth shut? Will Production find a way to keep her in the game? How many bodies does Aaryn have buried under her house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Bizarre Love Triangle

Glassy eyed and heavily buzzed we stare blankly at the rectangular glowing light in the darkness. Haphazard pillows tossed this way and that. Face cream slathered on as a bra hangs limply on the doorknob. 8 minutes. 6 minutes. Refresh. Refresh. Tell the virgins to calm down. Regret the fact that you drank as much as you did in "celebration". Must. Stay. Awake. 2 minutes. 1 minute. Refresh. Goddammit Refresh!

And voila! Blackness. A black hole from whence no light can escape. A black hole vacuum sucking up my patience, my dignity, and, most importantly, my buzz. After a very loud and determined Twitter temper tantrum, fans assisted fans in a "Hands Across America" kind of a way. Click the tiny clue, set it to a time only west coasters can relate to, clear your cache, sacrifice a virgin, dance around the fire clutching a clucking chicken, when he tells you the password, refresh and VOILA!

The Feeds sprang to life and we all exhaled. Downstairs in the bathroom, most of the womenfolk were busy getting makeovers by Ginamarie, GM for short, for an upcoming fashion show/pageant. Upstairs, a sad frightened lass clutched a pillow and looked forlornly into the distance. Jessie, my early call as the season crier and most likely to have a nervous breakdown, has even astounded yours truly with my scarily accurate skills of clairvoyance. As it turns out not only has Jessie been nominated for eviction along with Candice, but she is caught up in a bizarre love triangle and finds herself repeating words, comforting squishy words and mantras, over and over again in her head... I feel fine and I feel good. I feel like I never should. Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say. Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday...

As far as the others go, we begin to get a brief glimpse into what their house roles might be. Judd, as it turns out, is just as hard to understand in person as he is in interviews. Inexplicably he wears sunglasses indoors while Amanda, the house comedienne, jokingly asks him, "What the fuck did you just say?" Jazz Hands Andy flits hither and thither in matching neon pink pants and shorts while Aaryn announces over and over that she's ready to be a Playboy Model.

Slowly we begin to get some game insight and are able to catch up with what's gone down over the past 5 days. With a chance to finally be alone, Howard and Nick sit in the HOH room intensely discussing the upcoming MVP twist. Here is what we know so far: Nick, Howard, Spencer, McRae and Jeremy are in an all boys alliance called The Moving Company. Do they strap things on their backs and break the knobs off of your one of a kind dressers? That, I do not know. What I do know is that they want Bouffant (David) and Elvira (Elissa) out of the house as soon as possible. They're unsure where Andy's loyalty stands at this point and are equally wary of Aaryn. Apparently, Aaryn and some of the other gals (not exactly sure whom) have an alliance called The Blondtourage. I am unclear as to whether that is a name the ladies gave themselves or whether it is something Nick made up. The point is that there seems to be a battle of sexes sprinkled with crossover suballiances, but more on that later.

Back downstairs, the girls are almost ready for their big fashion show/pageant. GM has sewn extensions into everyone's head and loaned out her best clubbing dresses. There is just one last contestant who needs some final touches - including glitter on his nipples, I shit you not. It is Bouffant looking fetching in hot pink.

As the crowd begins to gather and wait impatiently in the Living Room, Aaryn sits at an empty typewriter giving Amanda an improv opportunity that Jazz Hands has somehow let escape from his twinkling fingers. As Aaryn types, Amanda begins to voice over "Dear Diary" entries. Vapid entries of a blonde girl with the vocabulary of a 10 year old. Was Amanda subtly calling Aaryn a twit or was it all in good fun? Either or, Aaryn seemed to enjoy it and so did I.

Finally, after brutal minutes of Candice saying the phrase "Gone With The Wind fabulous" over and over and over again, the fashion/show pageant begins. When Candice tells the ladies that they'll be asked a question in front of the audience, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) crosses her arms over her chest and whines about how she doesn't want to have to talk. For some reason, the rest of the girls (save Amanda who was in the audience with the fellas) accept this with no questions asked. They must already be used to this sort of bratty behavior at this point. I have no idea.

So the fashion show/pageant takes place and we discover that Helen is a delightful little pistol. She's a tiny whippet of a gal ready to be Chenbot's understudy whenever a hosting emergency arises. Naturally, she wins and is immediately dressed up like a stuffed animal.

It is when the pageant ends and the hair extensions come out that the delicious whiff of scandal begins to permeate through our screens. Eyebrows and GM are up in the HOH room and Eyebrows is just busting to talk about her recent Diary Room session. She says that the DR asked her such leading questions that she now knows how some other people in the house think of her. And by "other people", I mean Jessie. It turns out that the gals of the house all had a discussion early on about the boys they wanted to canoodle with. Aaryn and Bouffant entered itemhood quickly while Jessie laid claim to Nick leaving Jeremy wide open for Eyebrows to pounce on. The only problem is that Nick isn't interested in bumping uglies with Jessie so Jessie quickly changed her mind and confided into Eyebrows that Jeremy is now the object of her affection. The problem is that Eyebrows now likes Jeremy too. Oh the horror!

Eyebrows laments about how awful it is that Jeremy flirts with her on his own accord while sad sack Jessie gets ignored and she's on the block to boot! Waving her hands around and acting like it's the end of the world, Eyebrows tells GM it's not her fault Jeremy flirts with her. Oh no Eyebrows, it's not your fault at all. You strategically bend over in ass crack shorts as often as you can as soon a boy enters the room. You're as innocent as a daisy.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Elvira and Amanda are changing out of their pageant wear and lotioning up for the night. Elvira announces what we all suspected would happen... she tells Amanda how she really wants to say hi to all of the Rachel fans especially the "Brenchel Army". So there you have it, the sister secret is out of the bag and everybody in the house knows who she is.

Speaking of Elvira, word on the street is that she may have gotten into some spats early on with Candice and GM. The house consensus seems to be to get rid of her as soon as possible with some people suggesting that McRae backdoor her this week. Because of some sound issues on the feeds, I was able to watch a conversation between Elvira and McRae, but I was unable to listen. It is unclear at this point whether MC (McRae) and Elvira are in a secret alliance together or if MC will do the bidding of The Moving Company and try to backdoor Elvira.

And now it's time for everyone to put on some melancholy chick music and prepare yourselves to that whiny hot mess Jessie. I'm still astounded by how well I nailed this chick. I knew, I just knew, she was going to be a hotbed of emotional breakdowns. This one is a handful. A whiny handful of tears and antidepressants. Anyhow, Jessie has decided to retire early for the evening because she doesn't like everybody giving her sympathetic looks for being on the block. Nick and Andy confront her in the darkness and advise her to keep doing exactly what she's doing and lay low. Andy tells her not to "ruffle any feathers" and Jessie says she won't as long as people stop asking her how she's feeling. It makes her feel "icky".

That's a nice story and all Jessie, but that's not why she's upset. After the boys leave and Aaryn enters, Jessie confesses that she's ooey gooey for Jeremy. Jeremy once said hi to her and she just naturally assumed that they were in love, planning a wedding, going to move into a house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids, an herb garden and 3 cats. But tonight Jeremy was all over Eyebrows! She whines that she doesn't blame Eyebrows (she totally does). I mean, it's not Eyebrows' fault she's so pretty. Jessie just thought she and Jeremy really had something special. He once asked her to pass the salt and she swooned. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Aaryn tells Jessie that Jeremy is simply a flirt. He's just that type of guy who likes to rub girls inappropriately. It's just good old fashioned groping and nothing more than that. Jessie whines some more about all the mixed signals and the color of the peonies she ordered for the wedding. If Jeremy was flirting with her and thinking of names for their future children (that would naturally all start with J's) then how can he be snuggling with Eyebrows at the same time?! It's all so confusing for Jessie, but at the same time it is also a gift because it gives her something to obsess about and, lord knows, chicks like Jessie love to obsess.

Eventually, Aaryn leaves and Jeremy enters to have "the talk". He tells Jessie how he can't help it that all the girls are throwing themselves at him. *eyeroll* He's not even really thinking about the girls. He's focusing more on his game and can't let the girls throw him off his goal. Jessie whines that she knows Eyebrows is so pretty to which Jeremy replies, "All the girls in here are gorgeous." He assures Jessie that she is exactly the kind of girl he goes for - minus the smoking and fits of manic depression - and that just because he snuggled with Eyebrows, it doesn't mean that he likes Jessie any less.

Naturally, Jessie takes this as a proposal of marriage. She begins to sit up a little straighter and flip her hair just so. She'll try her hardest not to be bothered when Jeremy fingerbangs Eyebrows. She's just worried about what her TV edit will look like more than anything else. She doesn't want the viewing public to see her as a needy clingy leech girl (too late). The conversation ends and Jessie closes her eyes smiling to herself wondering if St. Lucia would be a cool place for a destination wedding.

And there you have it. Day 1 (kind of) in the Big Brother 15 house! I tell ya, I'm pleasantly surprised. This is a crew that's ready to play. We already have romance, jealousy, possible spats, multiple alliances, outed secrets and a future 5150 on our hands. I love it!

So, what do you guys think so far? Is there anyone you've changed your opinion about? Do you think MC and Elvira are secretly working together? Will Jessie stab Eyebrows in her sleep? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!