Thursday, July 4, 2013
Hood Of Household
On today this national holiday of pride and independence, Big Brother fans find themselves miserable and brokenhearted. But I am here to put a stop to all of that. I am here to get us back to good times and noodle salad. Watermelon baskets and melon balls. Sparklers and setting the neighbor's gazebo on fire. We'll get there together I promise you. My plans of lying by the pool and drinking gin straight from the bottle with a straw might be squashed due to weather, but yours don't have to be. I wish for you to go forth and drink. Celebrate! Smear tater salad all over your face and tie firecrackers to the cat's tail. Like that song from Grease 2 says... Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue. It's not a lot to ask of us, our parents would approve. Let's recap, shall we?
We begin by wishing Blanco Bouffant (White David) a fond farewell. So long sucker! May the rest of your summer be spent covered in jellyfish stings and fatal bouts of Staph.
After what seemed like an eternity, the Live Feeds switched on and we found ourselves covered in sauce and sweat. The competing teams were as follows: Spencer/Helen, Candice/VaGina, J-U-DD/Nick, Andy/Elvira (Elissa), Amanda/Eyebrows (Kaitlin), Asshat (Jeremy)/Aryan and Jessie/Howard. The rules stated that if you filled a smaller jug with barbecue sauce then you would receive a larger cup with which to fill your giant jug with. J-U-DD and Nick were the only team to take this option and it looked like things were gong swimmingly for them. They were behind Andy/Elvira and Amanda/Eyebrows, but the larger cup indeed gave them an advantage.
Since the cameras chose to focus on these three teams only, it looked like it would be a fairly average week up in the HOH until... Until! The camera whipped around and showed us something we did not want to see - Asshat and Aryan kicking ass and taking names! Scooping up barbecue sauce liberally with their hands, pockets, water bottles, hair, etc, the terrible twosome were ahead of everyone else and on their way to a victory. It wasn't until we heard Asshat say, "I got that ball, baby!" that our darkest nightmares realized. Yup, Asshat and Aryan have won the HOH competition.
The Live Feeds go down again for a few minutes and when they finally turned back on, the universe collectively farted as we all discovered that Aryan is our new HOH. Staring blankly into our laptops we tried to blink and make sense of it all. But, but, but she's horrible! She's the face of the race scandal! We pounded angrily on our keypads and sought solace from one another on social media. I refuse to watch if she's in power! Someone hold me. But isn't that always the way? Doesn't the Big Brother pendulum unforgivingly swing back and forth slapping karma in the face and out of the way? I'm a yoga doing, Eastern philosophy believing, zen kind of a gal, but after watching Big Brother for 85 seasons even I know that karma is a big ole bag of bullshit that doesn't exist. Horrible people doing horrible things are rewarded every single day. Just look at those Karkrapians. I type my fingers to the bone spreading joy to the world through prose and metaphor and I don't have two nickels to rub together, but some skank with a fat ass makes a sex tape and she's on her way to making a billion dollars. Bananarama knew what they were talking about when they said, "It's a cruel... cruel summer." Cruel, indeed.
With the competition over and the line for the showers getting longer, Aryan finally has a moment to realize that her idiot surfer boyfriend is no longer there. She sits in silence with thin lips and stares at the ceiling going over and over the votes in her head. Out of nowhere, Jessie exclaims, "Thanks for voting to keep me you guys!" She looks around the room hoping for an ass grab or at least a hug, but everyone pretty much ignores her and goes back to the awkward silence. Eventually, Asshat comes strutting into the room and shatters the fragile melancholy with, "I was rocking that little scooper!" Helen immediately spins on her heel and heads back to the Have-Not room (Helen, Andy, Candice and Elvira are Have-Not's) where she and Elvira pout.
VaGina then marches into the Living Room and makes a big fuss over how MC (McRae) was betrayed this week, "What he did was a ballsy move, yo. An' now he looks stoopit! I come from a good famlee an' a good home. There ain't no R-E-P-S-T-Z in this house!" And then she hugged MC and we all kind of scratched our heads for a second. I think she's complimenting MC, but it came out as something that resembled baby vomit. Speaking of vomit, we uncovered another little charming nugget last night. The one and only VaGina is a bulimic. Isn't that precious and sort of perfectly fitting? She confided to Nick that the longest she's gone without purging is 14 days which means that next week we should hear some unsavory sounds coming from the toilet area. Awesome.
After she has managed to collect her thoughts and summon up the angry embers in her gut, Aryan finally announces that something isn't right about the way the votes went. Ya think?! Spencer, one of the architects of the plan to get out Bouffant, jumps in and changes the subject to Elvira's speech, "That was such a slap in the face. That was the fucking cuntiest speech I've ever fucking heard." Spencer may be a smart guy, but he's a horrible actor. The more he tried to deflect attention off of himself, the more Candice's eyebrows began to rise and question the events of the past several hours.
It is finally Candice and Aryan's turn to shower and in that very calm and collected aryan way that Aryan has, she insinuates that Candice was probably lying about voting to evict Elvira. Kudos to Candice because she stands up for herself and tells Aryan that she did what she was told. She voted out Elvira and if Aryan wants to find out the hinky votes, then she needs to go figure it out for herself. Candice says it isn't her place to out others in the house. Aryan very creepily keeps scrubbing her head in silence while on the other side of the curtain, it is dawning on Candice that she could be in a shitload of trouble this week. If she whines and defends herself, she'll look guilty. If she says nothing, she'll look even more guilty. Spencer's plan to do considerable damage to Candice's game worked. Morally, ethically and all that jazz it was difficult to watch. But game wise... hot damn! This poor girl was set up for no real good reason and it's working like a charm.
Meanwhile in the photo booth, Eyebrows is crying her eyes out. She has it in her head that Elvira will win MVP agagin and, for sure, her ass will go up on the block this week. Since Elvira nominated Bouffant last week and Bouffant went home, Eyebrows is now a panicking puddle of snot. Eventually, Asshat finds his skank and very firmly tells her to cut it out. He tells her to stop pouting and that she's not going anywhere this week.
Eventually, Eyebrows emerges from the Photo Booth, but she's still pouting. Apparently, Elvira called Eyebrows a whore on National TV. I didn't hear it and you didn't hear it. If it happened, it's hella hilarious and makes me not hate Elvira so much. If it didn't happen, then someone (probably Aryan) is screwing with Eyebrows. Nonetheless, Eyebrows is furious and she asks the people in the bathroom, "Is that an example you set for your child?!" Once again Spencer jumps in with his stock reply, "Her fucking speech was so awful! It was a slap in the face! I can't believe she said that!" Eyebrows nods enthusiastically before turning to Andy who happened to be showering at the time and exclaims, "You can go ahead and tell her that too, Andy!"
When we thought the house would be busting at the seams with arrogance and gloating, we are instead thrust deeply inside the bell jar. Not only are Eyebrows, Candice, VaGina and Spencer all glowering and pitiful, but the Hood Of Household herself is a bucket of tears. Aryan sits on a bed and cries about how unfair the game is and how Elvira will win MVP every week. She sniffles to VaGina, "Somebody that I trust is lying." VaGina then goes on another one of her tirades, "I don't kiss ass. I don't give a fuck! I'm respectful. I don't play dirty." Come again? Look, I understand being pissed off about Elvira. I get it. I do. It is incredibly unfair, but to be honest, she really doesn't do all that much in the house. She's boring and occasionally you can see her jogging in the backyard, but other than that you really don't even know she's there.
Luckily for us, the pout-fest of 2013 continues. Aryan and Eyebrows sit across from one another and compete to see whose lower lip can protrude the furthest. Aryan cries that she'll probably go home next week while Eyebrows cries that she's probably going home this week. Remember how I told you I'd make your 4th of July a merry holiday? Well, here it is! These stupid bitches could be strutting around acting like assholes, but instead they're soggy and crying their eyes out. It's genius! Only Aryan could take good fortune and turn into something miserable.
At the same time all this moaning is going on, Candice is beginning to think out loud and start putting the pieces together. Helen had told her that there was a master plan and to wait for instructions. It was Spencer who finally approached her with the instructions to vote out Elvira. Andy listens to all of this and says that he was told the same thing - only his instructions were to vote out Bouffant. Andy and Candice compare notes and agree that something is going on that they were left out of.
Speaking of Andy, he is beyond thrilled that Julie asked him the first question on TV last night. Judging by how last week went, he never in his wildest dreams imagined that he would be interviewed on the couch. Unfortunately for us (yes, Andy is very annoying), this has made him even more outgoing and chatty. He is now flitting from corner to corner thinking he's getting a star edit on the show. In reality, he's simply one of the only ones who didn't say anything racist. There was no one else for Julie to talk to safely!
So, Aryan is crying again and now Andy is up her ass. Aryan whines that she has no one to play with now. Andy says that he'll play with her because he has no one either. He has been honest with her about his vote to evict Bouffant and Aryan appreciates that. She tells him she won't go after him if he promises not to go after her. Aryan once again brings up Elvira and how there is no way she can ever make up with her. Andy says that he thinks Elvira is a robot programmed to say things that America likes to hear. Actually, he could be onto something here. Andy is convinced that there is no way hardcore Big Brother fans would vote for Elvira to get MVP again. He says he will lose faith in the show if that happens. Careful there Andy. I said something like that once and ended up with an Asslicker for an avatar as punishment.
After all the thinking and putting the pieces together, Candice finally feels comfortable enough to approach Aryan. She finds Aryan in one of the bedrooms and tells her she's not going to kiss her ass, but she'll tell her all she knows. Candice tells Aryan that someone she won't name (Helen) came up to her and told her a secret person will giver her instructions on how to vote. Candice reveals that it was Spencer who told her to vote out Elvira. She was happy to vote that way because neither Bouffant nor Jessie ever did anything to her in the game. She tells Aryan that something is going on and that she needs to be careful because someone Aryan least suspects could be lying to her.
Candice continues and tells Aryan that she has no reason to lie to her. She swears on her mom and her dead dad that she is telling the truth. She confesses that in all honesty she was thrilled to be a part of something, but it turns out that she's not and now she's totally confused. Aryan asks her if she told all of this to Asshat and Eyebrows. Candice tells her she has and that Asshat believes her. Aryan then tells Candice that she believes her too. And, in that moment, I'm sure Aryan really did believe Candice.
Later we discover that Aryan can't think for herself. This Hood of Household won't be a Hood Of Household at all. Asshat, Eyebrows, Spencer and probably the fish will be making the calls this week, not Aryan. And so, my lovely bitches, there is no need for us to be down and out. The house is a madhouse! People are losing their minds and the drama is nonstop. After all of our worrying and freaking out, Aryan will probably end up nominating Candice and Elissa with the plan being to backdoor Helen. Helen! What a silly plan. And look, outside! Is that the sun I see peeking through the clouds? It is! Grab your bikinis, mix yourself some cocktails and have a great day everyone! Just remember, don't drink and drive, sparklers are not for licking and hot dogs in your ears can be quite funny.
Happy 4th of July!