Saturday, July 6, 2013
Crouching Elvira, Hidden Poop
In all walks of life, from nature to man, things get clogged. Arteries, traffic, drains, dams, thoughts... bowels. And in all instances come stress and discomfort. Desperate for relief we moan and groan, we honk, we flit and, occasionally, we pour acid over the problem and hope it bubbles and fizzes into a light and airy vapor. Or, when a remedy isn't at hand, we get down on our knees and turn to a higher power. Boston, Darfur, Arizona... pfft! Pray for poop. Let's recap, shall we?
I'm going to have to cruise through this one quickly today. It's been a hectic week, but things should be back to normal come Monday. So, let's begin. The day was filled with the centuries-old Catholic tradition of kissing of the Pope's ring. Only, in this instance, the Pope is a giant douche canoe named Asshat (Jeremy). As I stated earlier, most profoundly I'll have you know, Aryan is many things, but HOH isn't one of them. Asshat is running the show and Aryan is happy to let him.
All day long people went in and out of the HOH room in a desperate attempt to secure their safety. Never have nominations been so complicated. One would think these chuckleheads were solving world peace or penning the Treaty Of Versailles. In actuality, all they were doing is finding different ways of saying, "Hey, let's nominate Helen and Elvira (Elissa), like we planned to way back when on Wednesday." The plan has always been the same. Elvira is the target. The reasons are twofold: A) It is ridiculously unfair that she's even in the house in the first place and B) She's so weird!
But in the midst of this complicated waxing poetic, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) is crumbling from the stress. She is beyond paranoid that the MVP twist will result in her skipping her ass out of the house next week. And then there's the little matter of the blood in her urine. Yes, you read that right. Eyebrows has been having some bladder issues that sound a lot like either a UTI or kidney stones. Personally, I'm hoping for stones. But, then again, I'm a wickedly horrible person who thinks that hearing her scream on the Live Feeds while passing a stone would be hysterically funny. And since we've established that karma doesn't exist, I am allowed to think such thoughts and get off scott free. Sweet!
The blood, the pee, the stress... well, it is all making Eyebrows a little nuts which, in turn, makes Asshat and Aryan very nervous. When Eyebrows goes a little off the rails she tends to pout and cry and chat incessantly to people she shouldn't be chatting with. Asshat and Aryan are trying not to piss off too many people this week, but Eyebrows' outbursts are complicating things. The duo try to tell her to calm down, but that results in her only freaking out even louder. Asshat calls her childish and confides to Aryan about how annoying Eyebrows is becoming. This, obviously, is awesome! Call me crazy, but I think it would be beyond delicious if Aryan and Asshat start hooking up. If you'll remember, Aryan has said that Asshat is exactly the type of guy she goes for.
So, the nominations finally happen and all that pre-nom stress was for naught. Helen and Elvira are up for nomination.
After the ceremony, the nominees retreat to their Have-Not Room where they burble into a fit of tears and hugs. It should also be known that Elvira is having some intestinal issues. Basically, homegirl can't poop. The slop is building up in her lower intestines and now she's holding up everything in the house (the nomination ceremony was hours late) and pacing back and forth in front of bathrooms. In between clutching her stomach and telling people that she might have to go to the hospital, she begs America to give her MVP.
And what does America do? They give her the goddamn MVP. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? Seriously. Way to be predictable, America. Jerks.
So anyhow, Elvira is once again MVP and now begins the torturous decision of whom to nominate. Eyebrows, Asshat or maybe Nick??? The goal is to get rid of Asshat, but they are undecided if they should put him straight up or attempt to backdoor him. Apparently, if the MVP's nomination wins POV and removes themselves from the block, the MVP gets to put someone else up in their face. As of this morning, I'm still unsure who Elvira chose to put him, but my money is on Asshat.
So, there you have it in a nutshell. Be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10pm EST for frankly honest drunk talk about ALL the scandals in the Big Brother House this week. We'll be talking about everything from race relations, breakdowns, sexy time, blood in the urine and poop. You don't want to miss it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!