Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Insane In The Membrane
Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Oh puh-lease, don't flatter yourself Albie. I have the right to express my opinion here on this little blog and my opinion is...hnmm mnmm. You know what? I don't want to talk you. I never even think about you. Science is totally ridiculous anyways. Religion is what is important in my life. Religion and my ministry. Ministering little gumballs of hate to all the ridiculous pathetic people is my true passion. Not that I even think of other people at all. They're so not worth my time and they should really stop flattering themselves. Hnmm mnmm. And I don't appreciate you sitting in your laboratory with your beakers and bunsen burners making fun of my religion. I have the right to put a stop to your hypothesizing and theorizing and jazzercising. You're just a ridiculous liar. I would never associate with someone as disgraceful as you. Hnmm mnmm. I would also never do that to you - make fun of something that's important to you. Science is like so offensive anyways. Don't flatter yourself thinking I sit here giving science a second thought. It means nothing to me. But you can't keep making defamatory remarks about my religion. I'm telling Production right now! Whatever. Let's recap, shall we?
With two feet, let's jump right in and get to the good stuff. Elvira (Elissa) is completely insane and I can't believe her nurses have let her out in public without her thorazine drip. She is a danger not only to herself, but to society as a whole. Hnmm mnmm.
We begin with Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda, McCrae and Elvira sitting outside. Elvira is talking about how she doesn't like that Howard uses his religion to further himself in the game. Her voice gets louder and louder carrying the hnmm mnmm's across the vast expanse of the backyard with reckless abandon. Andy mimes to her that she needs to lower her voice because there are other people nearby - other "friends with Howard" people. McCrae, seeing Andy motioning to Elvira to pipe down and stick a cork in it, begins to giggle to himself.
Oh shit. McCrae laughed. Elvira was talking and McCrae laughed. Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!
Elvira then goes ballistic telling Andy that she can't believe he sat there and mocked her religion to her face. Como what? She says that religion and her ministry are very important parts of her life and she doesn't appreciate people belittling her passions. Andy quickly tells her that all he was doing was trying to get her to lower her voice because she was talking loudly about Howard. Elvira purses her duck lips and says, "Whatever. You know I would never make fun of something that was important to you. I don't appreciate you making fun of my religion." She then gets up and walks inside mumbling to herself about how offended she is.
With Elvira safely inside, Andy, J-U-DD, Amanda and McCrae all look at one another quizzically. Andy asks the group, "What the fuck just happened?" Amanda says, "I think she misinterpreted it." Andy explains to them that all he was trying to do was to get Elvira to lower her voice. Andy sighs to himself and says, "I better go fix things." Amanda then motions to McCrae to go with Andy.
The two boys head inside to the bathroom to wait for Elvira to finish her Colace shits (Colace is a laxative often used in mental institutions because medications can make patients constipated).
When Elvira finally emerges from the toilet, Andy says, "Come here when you're done." Elvira snaps, "I don't want to talk to you guys. Like, that was so rude." McCrae then jumps in and tells her that she was getting loud outside and they were trying to discreetly tell her to lower her voice when she was talking about Howard. Elvira barks, "Howard wasn't even there!" Andy replies, "VaGina (GinaMarie) was!" Elvira snorts, "Whatever."
Andy apologizes again and tells her that what happened wasn't about religion at all. And here is where Elvira opened up her skull and released the alien living inside of it, "Don't flatter yourself! I would never put on a show for any of you. Religion is something very important to me." *scratches head* What the hell is this bitch talking about? I mean... what. the. hell.
McCrae again insists they weren't laughing at her but Elvira just keeps rolling her eyes. Andy interrupts them both and says, "Hang on just a sec. I'll explain what happened. Howard is in a secret alliance with VaGina and Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and you were talking about Howard using his religion and they were right there. That's why I was like..." Elvira interrupts him and snaps, "I don't do that! So to laugh about it is like..." Andy interjects, "McCrae was laughing at ME because I was trying to tell you to lower your voice." Andy tries to explain again and again how this psychotic hosebeast was squawking too loud, but she refuses to hear it. Refuses!
Andy tells her, "I would never make fun of your religion. I think you carry your religion amazingly." Whatever that means. Elvira replies, I would never do that to you guys... make fun of something that's important to you." Seriously folks, it's like talking to a brick wall. A psychotic botox-filled brick wall. The conversation ends when Jessie trundles in and tells them they're being loud. Elvira makes a quick escape while Andy and McCrae simply stare at each other and wonder to themselves what the hell just happened.
We then fast forward to a mandatory lockdown where all of the Houseguests have to wait in the HOH room. Amanda, for some reason, takes this as an opportunity to pluck her bikini line. A note to all the women out there: NEVER pluck! It makes more hairs grow. Anyhow, Amanda is sitting in the shower taming her forest when Elvira enters and joins her. She immediately begins to moan about how everything everyone says in the house totally offends her. She reveals that she even asked Production to let her go home the first week. And then, like clockwork, she brings up the religion thing again.
Amanda tries to explain to her what happened, but Elvira doesn't want to hear it. She tells Amanda proudly that she told Andy not to flatter himself and that he means nothing to her. Remember these lines because they're just about all Elvira has in her arsenal. Elvira sighs again and says, "I'm going to tell them I want to go home." Amanda asks, "Andy and McCrae?" Elvira replies, "No, Production. I shouldn't be subjected to defamatory remarks like this." The feeds go to fish and I take the break as my opportunity to pluck out my own eyeballs with a melon baller.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, the feeds return before I'm able to start scooping. They return and I hear that voice saying, "Everything in my life is so good. Hnmm mnmm. I don't need this. This is so stupid." Amanda gently asks her if she is OK with Andy. Elvira says he's so stupid and it's obvious that he's lying to her. And then, once again, she starts with the whole, "I shouldn't have to be made uncomfortable for my religion. I feel weird reading my Bible now." WHAT IS SHE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! No one said anything about her religion! No one insulted her! No one breathed on her or looked at her wrong... *yanks hair out*
But she's not done! There's more!
"We're on this show for 3 months. Can't you not hold it together and not make defamatory comments on religion or race? I've never been around a group of deceitful people, just like, lack of etiquette, like social graciousness. I'm going to talk to them (Production) after this. This is like ridiculous. It's the most important thing in my life and it's not funny. Hnmm mnmm. I don't want Andy to apologize. It's rude and it never should have come out of his mouth."
How Amanda didn't attack Elvira viciously with her tweezers, I'll never know. And how Amanda managed to say, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt" with a straight face is an even greater mystery. And I hope you didn't think Elvira was actually done, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT!!!
"I think I'm created from a higher power and that's what I believe in. I have never been in such a disgrace. This is disgraceful. I'm building a ministry. They shouldn't flatter themselves. They don't matter anything to my life. It's like totally disrespectful."
I shit you not, the crazy continues for like another 10 hours. After the HOH lockdown is over, Elvira immediately goes to the DR to get one of her microchips replaced.
When Elvira emerges from the DR, she makes a bee line for Eyebrows in the kitchen. The two stand at the sink and Elvira tells her that if she doesn't confront everyone in the house, she'll be going home this week. She says that Aryan is spreading a rumor that Eyebrows is in a secret alliance with Howard and Spencer. Lies. Lies, lies, lies. Aryan didn't say anything. Truth be told, it was J-U-DD. But, if you'll remember, Elvira was just in the DR and Production is doing everything they can to get rid of Aryan this week. So, basically, they fed Elvira a bunch of bullshit, gave her some instructions, and let her loose on the house. She is their puppet. She is a mole. She is in the house to manipulate the game and control the outcome. She is privy to everyone's secrets and she is personally guided on how to navigate through week after week. If this doesn't bother you, you're just as insane as she is.
Anyhow, as Elvira is feeding Eyebrows this line of bullshit, Aryan overhears it all in the bathroom. She immediately goes to Helen and tells her that Elvira has told Eyebrows she's going home. Helen's eyes bug out of her head as she says, "I have no idea what Elvira is up to." I do! She wants Aryan gone and Production is helping her do it! Christ, even Aryan knows what's going on. She tells Helen that Elvira wants her out of the house so bad that she's purposely screwing everything up. If you have the Live Feeds, then you know that Elvira is part of an alliance that is planning on voting out Eyebrows this week. What Elvira just did in the kitchen was betray her alliance in an effort to serve her own selfish desire to get rid of Aryan.
Meanwhile, Eyebrows is freaking out because she thought she was safe all this time. She flits from person to person telling them how Elvira told her she's probably going home unless she confronts the whole house in a house meeting.
And that's just what we get a house meeting. Or what I like to call, diving into the bell jar. With everyone gathered in one of the bedrooms, Helen asks Elvira what's going on. VaGina jumps in and starts cracking up hysterically, "Yo, yo, yo, Imma supposed to like be in a alliance with all youse peoples. ahahahahaha!!!!" J-U-DD shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, "I hummina hummina stay up late at night ahummina hummina." Elvira announces, "You guys are nuts. I'm sick of everyone lying to me. Aryan needs to go."
Cue Aryan walking into the bedroom. There is an incredibly long discussion about whether or not Elvira said Aryan's name at all when talking to Eyebrows in the kitchen. She did, but Elvira insists she didn't. And since Aryan overheard the kitchen conversation, Aryan insists, "I heard you say my name! Eyebrows, you told me she said my name. Tell her what you said." Eyebrows then crawls under the chair and hides. Elvira turns to Aryan smugly, "I don't know why you're attacking me. You always twist my words. This has nothing to do with you!" Aryan replies, "You said my name. It has everything to do with me." Elvira chews her face and says, "Don't flatter yourself! I never even think about you. You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore."
The demented dance continues and it goes something like this...
Aryan: I'm so sick of you making shit up about me.
Aryan: Why are you doing this to me?
Elvira: Get a life! You're attacking me!
Helen: Aryan is telling the truth.
Aryan: I'm so sick of rumors being made up about me.
VaGina: Nick! I love you Nick! Holla for a dolla!
Elvira: Aryan told people she was safe this week!
Aryan: I never said that!
Elvira: Why are you even talking to me? I never think about you. Stop flattering yourself!
Elvira: It's not all about you! This has nothing to do with you! Hnmm mnmm.
Elvira: I can't be in this house with Aryan!
VaGina: We're all like genuine people here. Ya know.
Elvira: Aryan just attacked me and I refuse to be manipulated like this!
The meeting disperses and only one thing is for sure... Elvira, time for your meds!
In the Storage Room, it is finally dawning on Helen that Elvira is Queen of the Shit Stirring People. She clutches her head and moans, "She's ruining everything!" Andy replies, "She's a loose cannon. She's pushing her own agenda of getting Aryan out and not the alliance's agenda."
Meanwhile, Aryan is shaken to the core with frustration. Aryan may be an ignorant twit who doesn't know much about race relations or tact, but she doesn't deserve Elvira's twisted manipulations. There's a difference between saying something mean out of ignorance and saying something mean out of malice. Aryan is ignorant. Elvira is malicious. Ignorance can be eradicated over time with education and understanding (and, believe me, Aryan will get herself one hell of an education when she leaves the house). Malice is something within you, a part of you. Malice cares not of the consequences. Sociopathic personalities like Elvira will never learn from their mistakes because, to them, they simply don't make mistakes! Let's just say, it takes a pretty awful person to make us sympathize with someone who was formerly the house pariah. But sympathize we did. We looked at Aryan being manipulated unfairly and it angered us.
The madness didn't end there and Elvira continued to assault even likable people like J-U-DD. She told him to his face that he was a crazy ridiculous liar. Clearly, all of this was Elvira desperately trying to get Aryan out of the house this week. Unfortunately for her, I think her plan backfired. Had she not lost it earlier in the day over the stupid religion thing, the house might have been more likely to believe her. She shot herself in the foot though when she called Andy, harmless Jazz Hands Andy, a manipulative liar. Nice try Elvira. You need to reel in the crazy not roll it out.
So, what did you guys think of yesterday's shenanigans? Why did Elvira go batshit crazy over the religion stuff? How much instruction did the DR give her before she attacked Aryan? Will Elvira strike again today? Who do you think is going home this week, Aryan or Eyebrows? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!