Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Big Pussy



Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.


Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*


Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.


But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!


Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.


And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.


Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."


After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.


Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.


And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"



Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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20 comments:

  1. Well done (as always), dearest Colette! While I'm not sure Pussy is the best nickname for Cody (what, you can't do anything with the fact that he's a dead ringer for John Travolta and speaks only in Jersey Shore bro-ese? TraBROlta rolls off the tongue, in my humble opinion), just seeing the screen shots of CalebMarie chowin' down on a pickle made up for any nigh-imperceptible shortcomings in today's entry. Is anyone keeping track of how many times CalebMarie has called it quits with Amber, only to turn around and reschedule the wedding an hour later? Now, if anyone in the house merits the name Pussy, it's that whipped kitten (who knew the beast in Beast Mode Cowboy was feline in nature?)...

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  2. Hot damn, you glittery bitch, you just keep getting better!! I vote in addition to Cody/Pussy we also call Jocasta Tongues. You are a genius, Lala. Love you love you love you.

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  3. You're dead on with the Pussy nickname, he's earned it. I'm not sure about the Jowls one, are you talking about her face or her ass? Jowls started the show with a fine ass but like many before (Pinto, Jordan) she's ate her way to something hideous. This brings us to CalebMarie the Least Mode Cowboy, he is so unaware of himself and what's going on around him that it is comical at times but mostly it's annoying. I do believe he's the worst player in the house and that ain't easy with these fuck ups. How hard did casting have to look to find 6 of 8 women who know nothing about BB? It looks like they drunkenly went around to bars a week before the show started and said you, you and you.

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  4. Well done..exactly the way it is..

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  5. Glad your back and feeling better! Totally agree about Cody the pussy, but Caleb Marie (love that) is a major snooze. Unless he gets some moonshine and goes bat shit crazy soon he can leave any time. This season is getting really boring, hate Frankie, Victoria, Nicole and Christine!! Zack brings more crazy than Caleb Marie everyday. Looks at this point that Derrick is walking away with it, he definitely better watch out for Donny though he's onto him. Delusional people bug the shit out of me, BM Cowboy and Victoria both think they're going to be fan favorites!!! Again glad your back and if Caleb Marie has to stay to keep your blogs coming, so be it...

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  6. Now this is the Bitch I have been missing.

    I hope Caleb and Amber make extra dumb babies together, the kind that Caleb will take on airplanes to los Angeles as he will inevitably be a super star, In his own humble opinion.

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  7. I reeeaaallly want to see Derrick and Frankie go! Those 2 are sooo full of themselves, Derrick is actually starting to make "God Father" hands when he speaks now. Its ridiculous how stupid these people are. I think we should call Christine "Britney" becasue that girl is going to be Brigaded part deux and she wont even see it coming.

    For 2 players that are supposed to be such super fans Nichole and Christine certainly are playing right into the boys game, do they forget that the fartehr the game goes, the fewer chances they will have to remove their real competition? They are voting out the people that give them the numbers to make moves.

    For all his ADHD moments, Zach is the only one who seems to be seeing that a whole lotta people are telling lies to each other so why does everyone do what the group wants? I curse the first time that strategy was played, I curse these young 20 somethings that are sooo worries about how everone will be mad at them that they compromise their own game. It is so frustrating to watch, give us some late 20's and up for real gamesmanship and drama please. I want to see 40 somethings that arent more worried about their abs than their game play, give me a couple cranky 50 year olds that can lie to your face and push you down the rabbit hole as soon as you look away, that is what I want to see, Please stop casting these "personalities" like Frankie, I am so sick of his schtik, tired of his over familiar groping of the cast because he can always call out the "hate" card if anyone tells him to back off, I hate that kind of player and wish they would stop it.

    Are there no LGBT's out there that dont need to be the center of attention all the time with their over the top, affectations 24/7, boring and so over done...

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    1. You should really think before you type. I'm a huge fan of the poking fun that Colette does (great blog btw) but you just seem ignorant. I've got plenty of LGBT friends that are total wallflowers. Probably because they are afraid if being stereotyped from people like you. I'm sure you didn't mean to offend but how about we don't blame Frankie being an attention whore on the entire LGBT community? Thanks.

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    2. I agree, Fakie crawling all over the other HGs should be considered physical assault.

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    3. My issue is that they only seem to cast the flaming drama queen gays, that is what I am sick of. That isn't the only LGBT people out there, but that is the only ones that seem to be cast on this show. I know there are way more different personalities out there that happen to be LGBT, and I would love to see more of them included in the general casting of this show.

      So how you got where you did from my post is beyond me....

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  8. I agree...more older players. I really don't give a crap about everyone's bodies.

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  9. Oh, come on, people. You know perfectly well that you'd be bitching and moaning if the house were full of sagging breasts and liver spots. Donny's the token "old guy" this season. Moreover, production loaded this house with parents (four, if my count is correct), which is supposed to represent maturity.
    I do hate Fugly/Finky/Flunkie, though. His hair reminds me of the old Jem/Jerrica dolls (mostly blonde, with a token pink streak in the middle), and every time he frets that someone will find out his deep, dark secret, all I can scream at the screen is, "Nobody knows who Ariana Grande is, and those who do, don't CARE who she is!" He's not quite as endlessly irritating as Raggedy Andy was last season, but he's yet another in a long line of fa-LAY-ming stereotypes I thought we had rid ourselves of over a decade ago. I'm really sick of gay men who use their gayness to float effortlessly from the women to the men, because it perpetuates the stereotype that we're all really just girls who happen to be in boys' bodies. Also, looking at Fugly gives me flashbacks to the Faces of Meth mug shot series, and that's enough to frighten anyone. I hope he and Piggum (Derrick---seriously, put his mug next to Chief Wiggum from The Simpsons, and tell me the resemblance isn't uncanny) wind up on the block next to one another next week and Team America suffers another blow. They're both too cocky and not delusional enough to be entertaining.
    I'm with you, Colette: keep CalebMarie as long as possible, provided he doesn't actually win. His game play is nonexistent, but his crazy stories of heroism are hysterical. When he claimed that a buddy of his had made water transfer from one glass to another through a card placed between them, I had to rewind just to make sure I hadn't missed a step. His naivete is... well, all I can say is, "I wonder what color the sky is in his world?"

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  10. Seriously, nothing would make me happier than a 40+ BB season!! If production is that hung up on bodies I'm sure they can find plenty of real adults who are fit.

    What matters is actual thoughtful game play by people old enough to know what they're doing.

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  11. When Frankie said to Cody he would offer Brittany a stay of execution if she had sex with him I had to do a double take to make sure I hadn"t misheard. In fact Cody had to be sure he heard what he heard. Power corrupts but Frankie wasn"t that far from being corrupt to begin with. His arrogance has no depths. I would love to see him squirming for his BB life next.

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  12. Glad you're not dead.

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  13. BB being more important than his Grand Pa's funeral says all we need to know about Frankie's character.

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  14. Caleb and Amber = Puss n boots

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  15. I don't understand this Christian themed season. Is it just because Jocasta is present or is it a conscious decision by CBS to populate the BB house with bible thumpers so as to pander to this segment of the population? Either way its off putting. I want to see unrepentent sinners scheming and double dealing with a smile on their faces.

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  16. How about an all-nude season of BB?

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