Red Delicious Blood

Sometimes when I am home by myself and there is nothing on the tube, boredom washes over me and I do what any other Big Brother fan would do. I reach into the back of my linen closet and carefully slide out the bucket I keep on hand for slow rainy days such as these. I then push all my furniture against the walls and carefully lay a tarp over my creamy colored carpet. Satisfied with the amount of space I've given myself to "work", I then disrobe and toss my garments as far away as I can. Now I am ready.

With excitement coursing through my veins and anticipation lighting up my eyes, I kneel down, remove the lid off the bucket, and stare into the inky crimson-ness. Blood. Deep dark thick metallic smelling blood. I should prolong what I'm about to do next, but I never was a patient person. With a giggle in my throat and eagerness pressing my lips tightly together, I plunge my hands into the bucket and swirl them around feeling the warm gummy viscous goodness in between my fingers. I then yank them out of the bucket, stand proudly and hold my arms up over my head. Blood on my hands. Blood on my hands! I look skyward as the goo slowly drips down my arms, my waist, my legs. Exhaling, I close my eyes and begin to sway to my own whispers, "Blood on my hands, blood on my hands, blood on my hands..." Let's recap, shall we?

Well well, it looks like the majority of the house is finally finding itself in a bit of a pickle (not to be confused with a pickle in a banana). With the CBS show abruptly ending before we got any definitive HOH winners, live feeders scrambled to their laptops and wondered to themselves why a tie breaker question wasn't ready and available. CBS faux pas aside, the feeds returned and revealed that Nicole and Donny are our new HOH's. *rubs bloody hands together* Oh goody! Not that I'm a fan of either, mind you. I'm just sick of the feeds sucking and the drama lacking. We need some bloody drama dammit! Where are my arguments? Where are my fights? Where are the insults flying?

OK, so the power has finally switched sides, but will Nicole and Donny take advantage of it or will they do something safe and boring and go after Valentina or Jocasta? The two meet in the Hive and are confident that together they can come up with a plan that will satisfy both of them. Donny mentions how he wants to bring Hayden into the decision making and Nicole couldn't be happier. Of course Nicole loves this idea. The notion of her having to make a decision all on her own is much too much for her to handle.

Nicole says that there was no way she could let Zach or Caleb win that HOH. Donny smiles and nods knowingly. He then says, "I hett ta say eet, but I wuz pulling fer Christine ta lose because I felt that she wuz gonna put me enn Jocasta up sahd bah sahd." Donny hints to Nicole that Christine might have to go on the block. Nicole doesn't say too much to that. Instead she stresses how there are only 9 people for them to pick from and oh my god it's so stressful. Oh my god, 4 out of 9 is like almost 50% and oh my god it's freaking out Nicole. (I hate this chick so much.) Nicole then tells Donny that they should pretend that they don't know one another's nominations.

The conversation continues with Nicole actually having the gall to comment on how some people are just sailing by in the game because they don't want to get blood on their hands. Like you, pumpkin? She says it pisses her off so much especially when people throw competitions when she's always out there fighting to win. You are a piece of work, Nicole. Wasn't it you who bitched and moaned the first time you won HOH and complained nonstop about not wanting to have to make a decision? Wasn't it you who said that you purposely didn't want to win?

Hearing all of this, Donny remarks that some people need to know what it feels like to be on the block. He again mentions Christine and says that he doesn't necessarily want her to go home, but that she might have to go up due to the shortage of possibilities.

The two part and we finally see a house beginning to panic. Off in one room, Jocasta is crying to Derrick over how she can't win a comp while in the Storage Room, Zach is grilling Nicole. Nicole repeats to Zach the whole 4 out of 9 people is almost 50% thing and how she has a reason to put him up. Zach asks, "But am I your target?" Nicole replies that he isn't and then promptly hems and haws in that annoying way of hers, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

Nicole then tells Zach that it's all been girls going up so far and "that's not going to work this time." Zach tells her that he knows 4 people she won't definitely put up and then Donny has 2 people he has to put up which leaves 3 people for Nicole to pick from. Zach then tells her, "Put me up." Nicole asks, "No hard feelings?" Zach replies, "No hard feelings at all."

But then the indecisive twit says, "I could put up Valencia and Jocasta." Zach says, "That's who you should put up. Then you'll definitely stay HOH." Nicole remarks (and lies) about how she and Donny probably won't be working together when it comes to the nominations this week. Zach agrees with her and tells her that they both want two entirely different people out of the house. Nicole asks him who Donny wants out and Zach tells her Caleb. Zach confesses that he has no idea who Nicole wants out. Again, he tells her to put him up because he deserves it and that he wants Nicole to get her 30 seconds of fame by getting back at him. (Ha!)

Zach may be pretending to calm and OK with all of this, but he's not. Inside, he's freaking out and that panic begins to show when he asks Nicole who she wants out. Nicole gets frustrated and doesn't want to tell him. Zach tells her how he was straight forward with her last week. Nicole says, "No you're weren't! You bull crapped me!" Your honor, I move that we have the term "bull crap" stricken from the English language.

Jumping ahead a little bit, we find Derrick approaching Nicole. He tells her, "You're not doing too good with your strategy of not winning HOH's. You're not doing the Dan Gheesling strategy no more." Nicole replies that she didn't feel safe this week with the people that were left in the comp. Frankie then interrupts the conversation and begins to talk about the sleeping situation. Nicole remarks that she is "ty-yerred" and wants to go to bed. Frankie says ok and leaves the room.

But then here comes Beast Mode Cowboy attacking a tub of ice cream. He tells Nicole that if he's going up, he wants to be told beforehand. Nicole replies, "I'm ty-yerred. I don't want to be bombarded." Bitch, it's 8pm and you're HOH! Get with the program! It is your job to be bombarded. She then moans and whines (She talks in a permanent whine. It drives me insane!) how she hasn't even talked to Donny yet and how Donny has had a bad day because he was woken up last night (over that whole Team America thing). Beast Mode slurps more of ice cream, "He had a bad day? That sucks."

And then this happened...

Nicole: "How's the ice cream?"
Caleb: "Cold."
*silence*
Caleb: "Frozen. But it's good though."

Despite the ice cream being cold and frozen, it is to Caleb's liking. That's our cowboy! *jaunty jingle plays*

Eventually, Caleb leaves and finally - finally! - we hear something that makes my ears perk up. Nicole sits up and hints that "2 of those people" (Frankie and Caleb?) are possibilities for her to nominate. Derrick remarks, "You know he [Donny] isn't putting Jocasta up." Nicole then whines, "I haaaate this BOB craaaap." Derrick agrees and tells Nicole that people are going to expect her to put Jocasta up. Derrick says that she was out first in the comp. Nicole whines, "I don't waaant to put her uuuuuup." Nicole remarks again about how she just couldn't throw the comp because she heard that Caleb would put her up at any time and Zach has already nominated her so he might go after her again.

And then Nicole makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. She explains how now she's ready to make big moves. Now she's not as mad as she was before that she won HOH. Now she wants to play the game. (She's so awful!) Nicole tells Derrick that it's time that they solidify things with Hayden and Cody (an alliance?). Derrick brings up how Cody thinks that Frankie is playing them. Nicole nods and replies, "Do you see how he's everywhere?" And this is where things get interesting. Nicole asks Derrick if she were to backdoor Frankie, would he be on board with it? Ohhh I LOVE that! The conversation ends with Derrick warning Nicole not to under any circumstances share the Frankie plan with Christine. Nicole replies, "No. Never. I'm smarter than that." That remains to be seen. Just keep your trap shut.

Derrick then goes to check in with Donny to be sure that he won't nominate any member of Team America (fuck yeah). Donny assures him that he won't and that he doesn't think Frankie would've nominated either of them either. They then discuss the last Team America task. Donny tells Derrick what he said to Julie in the DR. Derrick tells Donny what he said only he lied and lied and lied. Instead of admitting to throwing Donny under the bus, he says that he said some mumbo jumbo about providing for his family. Donny tells him that he thinks America will respect them for not being greedy.

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Donny doesn't definitively say who he's going after, but he says that he wants to keep Zach around to use him for the Team America tasks. Speaking of that, Zach deserves all the money they earned, not them!

Then, like Andy before him, Frankie enters and starts kissing Donny's ass. Frankie and Derrick want Donny to stay HOH so they advise him to put up weak players. Derrick recommends putting up Vivienne and Jocasta. He knows Donny is close to Jocasta, but she went out first. Donny says that he has 3 people in the house that have put him up - Nicole, Caleb, Cody - but that he really wants to win BOB.

More conversations with Donny continue. Cody and his new weekly paranoia (first it was Caleb, then it was Zach) suggests that Donny targets Frankie. Christine hints a little bit about Zach or Caleb. Speaking of Caleb, he spends his time with Donny outlining how he's a beast and a target and, at the end of the day, quite frankly he'll probably win everything. He blames that first week nomination on Devin and says that at the end of the day, Donny is going to do what he wants to do. But don't forget, this is Beast Mode Cowboy and Beast Mode Cowboy will not win every competition that crosses his path. There are other people in the house that don't deserve to be there, but Caleb DESERVES to be there. At the end of the day.

And then we get a rare scene where Violet is talking game is Donny. Donny tells her that he might have to put her up, but that she is 100% not his target. His plan may be to put her up alongside Caleb. Vanya replies, "Oh my gosh." He assures her that Caleb would go home 100%. Vivica would like to believe that, but the block... it's just so emotional. Donny explains that if he puts Caleb up with another "big guy", they might dethrone him and Nicole could put Velda up next to someone like Jocasta. If Valkyrie goes up next to a powerhouse, her chances of staying in the game greatly increase.

Finally, Nicole and Donny get their HOH rooms and are able to meet in private with the real HOH this week - Hayden. Donny tells them that he has talked with everyone and it's looking like he'll put up Caleb and Varinka. Nicole moans about not wanting to put up Jocasta, but having to. So, her nominations are likely to be Jocasta and Zach. Hayden gives those 4 choices his stamp of approval and says that that is what he would've done.

But not so fast! That doesn't mean that one of those 4 will go home. Hayden continues and says that Frankie is the root of all the problems in the house. He is the puppet master. Donny quickly reminds him that he can't say any of that to Christine. Hayden then relays a story he heard right before the live show. He heard Frankie and Christine talking about who they'd nominate if they won HOH. Both said Jocasta and Verushka. But when they discussed who they'd put up as a replacement nominee, they both said Donny.

He continues and tells them how Caleb is going after the "Outsiders" (Donny, Vanessa, Jocasta), but that Caleb rarely comes up with an idea on his own. Hayden says that Caleb gets all of his ideas from Frankie. Hearing this, Donny says how he was talking to Derrick earlier and they were throwing around a bunch of names. He noticed that Derrick never mentioned Caleb and Hayden says that it's because Derrick knows Caleb would never put him up. Hayden remarks, "That's the thing about Caleb. He's so easily controlled."

And here is where the topic of backdooring Frankie comes up again. Donny is worried that if Frankie goes up as a replacement nomination, he won't go home because he has so many friends. Hayden disagrees and says that he doesn't think Frankie has as many votes as Donny thinks he does. Hayden feels confident that he has the votes to get rid of Frankie. He says, "I feel like if it was Frankie and Caleb up there, Frankie would go home. Honestly." Hmm, I'm not sure about that. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of it and there is no one I'd rather get rid of more than Frankie, but I wonder if all the votes are really there.

What do you think? Can these chuckleheads pull off backdooring Frankie? Will Donny try to stop it because of Team America? Do you like your ice cream cold and frozen like Caleb does? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Big Pussy

Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.

Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*

Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.

But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!

Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.

And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.

Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."

After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.

Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.

And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"

Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Kick Out The Jams

In the classic romantic comedy based on the book of the same name, Practical Magic documents a love lost and a love found. Set by the sea in a quaint picturesque Northeastern town amongst white picket fences and lazily statuesque Victorian manors, Practical Magic teaches us to let go and let love happen. It also teaches us how to hex judgmental tightwads who choose to live in their own misery over a life of open-minded acceptance. In the words of Evan Rachel Wood's character, Kylie, "I hope you get... *points dramatically* chicken pox!"

After a whirlwind couple of weeks in which I zapped the flu by swallowing raw garlic, flew back and forth to L.A. within 4 days, and suffered a subsequent vicious migraine attack making light and sound mortal enemies, I am back. To those of you who follow me on social media and have been incredibly understanding, I thank you. To those of you who decided to send me hate messages for not blogging suggesting that I never write again, a pox on your families. No, I didn't quit. No, I haven't lost interest. I was working. W-O-R-K-I-N-G. I realize this might be a foreign concept for homebound cat ladies who can't get up from their couches on their own accord, but there you go. That is the reason for my recent absence. Next time, instead of jumping to conclusions and calling me names, why don't you simply check my Twitter, Facebook and, yes, Instagram (where I posted photos while ON the airplane)? There are links to follow me on any and all of these platforms on the right hand side of this blog. If you are unfamiliar which way is right, it is this way ------>>>>

For the next couple of weeks, things should be back to normal. I thank you for your patience, your understanding, and your human decency. Again, to the assholes who chose another route, may you get a vicious case of the scurvy.

Before we recap, let's take care of some odds and ends. First up, the FitBitch (commonly known as a FitBit)! I have been a strong proponent for all things FitBitch for almost 8 months now. I've encouraged many of you to get one, friend me, and lovingly compete with me. It is a ton of fun, gets you moving and is a great way to get off your couches. Why, you may ask, am I even talking about this? Well, guess what? The Houseguests got FitBitches! Big Brother is tracking their movements and will use their results to determine Haves and Have-Nots. If you too would like to join in the fun and compete with my Big Brother Gossip Show co-hosts and myself, be sure to click on the link on the right (that way ---->). Let me know (in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter) when you have it and I'll tell you how to friend me and others. We're all obsessed and with the release of the new Tory Burch bands, we're even MORE obsessed.

With all of that gobbledygook out of the way, let's recap shall we?

OK so the big reward/punishment POV has finally reared its familiar face and the results are: Victoria won POV, Caleb took $5K over the POV, Zach won a trip to Germany, Nicole has to wear a Germatard (which I assumed was a bottle of Purell, but is actually a lederhosen), Cody has to kick himself in the ass whenever "Penalty Kick!" blares throughout the house and Brittany has to kick 2400 goals in 24 hours or else she can't play in the next POV.

First, let's discuss that crazy kooky beast mode cowboy Caleb. Caleb is largely disliked amongst the BB fanbase, but I love him. Love him! He's delusional, narcissistic, ridiculous and probably a creepy stalker who collects used women's underwear and stores them under the floorboards of his bedroom. What's not to love?! And in typical Caleb fashion, right after he won the $5K he wandered around the house declaring, "I'm the richest person in the house now!" Yes indeedy you are, Caleb. Rich with cray-cray. Never change, my love. And joy, yesterday he added a new riff to his POV monologues. He is now extremely angry with himself for not taking the trip to Germany instead of the money. Why, you ask? Well, it's because if he won that trip to Germany he could take his lady friend Amber with him. Haha! Naturally, all of this is quite annoying to the other Houseguests making some of them wonder if perhaps Caleb should go home this week over Brittany. Don't you dare do that, HG's! I need my crazy! I will be lost without Caleb in the house to entertain me.

Next, let's talk about nails on a chalkboard Nicole. While dehydration and staring at an iPad with a crooked neck is probably to blame for my recent migraine, I'm going to go ahead and blame Nicole's voice instead. I can't take it anymore! And having to go from frog to lederhosen has only exacerbated that irritating midwest whine of hers. Wahh wahh I have to wear a unitard. Wahhh. Oh stick a frankenfurter in it. I can't wait until she's gone from the house.

And this brings us to Brittany. Stubborn jowly Brittany. She has decided to accept the challenge of kicking 2400 goals in 24 hours, but she has also decided to ignore everyone's advice on how she can make it easier on herself. The boys have advised her on how to kick in a less painful way, but she simply narrowed her eyes and glared at them. And when someone suggested she not bend over to pick up the ball thousands of times risking injury and strain to her back, she shook her jowls violently and pretended she didn't hear the advice. It was this bending over action that brought me to Brittany's new nickname - Jowly! While Brittany is a moderately cute gal, she has the unfortunate problem of the loose jowls. Gravity will not be this girl's friend as she ages  (Kate Middleton will have this problem too. Just you watch.) and all that bending over she's been doing has only accelerated the process. I suggest she squats when she bends and starts sleeping on her back. And in a few years, she can book herself a lift and all will be remedied. Easy peasy.

But until then, she's going to continue to kick the ball on a bounce - for maximum toe pain. Switching to Donny's shoes over her own helped her alleviate the swelling a bit, but still. Why she would actually INCREASE the force with which the ball landed on her toes is a mystery to me. Speaking of Donny, he sat outside with Jowls the entire she was kicking her goals. He was her cheerleader, her counter ("fo-wer, fah-ive, see-ix.") and support system. It was very sweet on Donny's part, but also very annoying. I had a feeling Jowls' inner dialogue went something like this, "Shutupshutupshutupshutup."

After every few hundred kicks or so, Jowls would take a Greek Yogurt break *gag* and soak her bloodied mangled tootsies in the pool. The ever faithful Donny was always nearby with words of encouragement. Also, Jocasta reared her batshit crazy Pentecostal head and started to read Bible verses to Jowls, "Are you listening, Jowls? Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just read to you?" Jowls would sigh, "Yes. Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup."

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Later, when her toes had blackened and fallen off, Jowls switched to the method of kicking the ball backwards. It seemed to work for her and she was finally able to reach her goal. Good for her! Some BB fans claimed it was a total waste of her time, but I vehemently disagree with that. Yes, the plan right now is to get rid of her, but this is Big Brother. Things change all the time in the house. And if the plan for Donny to go up as Victoria's replacement goes through, people might change their minds and decide to get rid of him instead. He has proven himself in the Challenges and has definitely stepped up his strategic game. It would have been silly for Jowls to not plan for every eventuality. If by some miracle she stays, she WILL be nominated again and she'll need to be able to play in the next POV.

As my previous paragraph just stated, Donny is the planned replacement nomination. But Donny isn't going down without a fight. When Cody finally wakes up and makes his way outside, Donny takes the opportunity to make his pitch on how Caleb should go on the block this week. He cites Caleb's "Germany with Amber" remark as evidence to how selfish Caleb is and how he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Donny then tells Cody that if Jowls stays in the house, it won't even be Cody who saved her, it'll be the people who voted for her who saved her so he really won't have much blood on his hands. Donny tells Cody that the nomination will simply be Cody putting a selfish guy on the block.

Cody listens to everything Donny has to say and you definitely get the impression that Cody agrees with Donny. Caleb has been on Cody's shit list due to his Amber obsession and deep down he fears that Caleb will target him the first chance he gets. As he thinks about his options, Donny tells him that getting rid of the two biggest threats in the game (Devin and Caleb) back to back would be awesome. He also says that as long as Amber and Caleb are in the house together, none of them are really safe because they will always save the other if one of them was at risk of going home. Cody sighs and says that it all makes sense, but what if next week is a Double Eviction? He's petrified of being vulnerable and not able to play for HOH.

Donny eventually leaves Cody to his own thoughts with Christine finally makes her way outside (these bitches sleep ALL day). Immediately Cody tells Christine everything that Donny just pitched to him. He says that Caleb is a definite risk for HIS game while Jowls is a risk to everyone else's game. Cody continues to on and on about how bad Caleb is for his game and how he's always saying boneheaded things and not playing strategically at all. On the other side of the coin, Caleb is a loose cannon and could go after him next week if he stays in the house. Rationally, Cody should get rid of Caleb. Selfishly, you keep your hands off my beast mode cowboy! I NEED Caleb in the house. He's all I have.

As the night progresses, so does the tension. Donny is suspicious of everyone especially Derrick who he thinks is the house mastermind while Zach, that flibbertygibbit who plays by what entertains him instead of what is smart, is now also suggesting that Caleb goes on the block. Look, I love Zach. He's funny, he's a loudmouth, but he's also a horrible player. One of these days, his antics are going to really piss off his alliance and they'll start looking at him as a liability rather than an asset.
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Late night in the house saw the Caleb v. Donny debate continue. Zach is adamant that Caleb needs to go. Frankie isn't so sure he'll be voted out if he goes up. And Cody, well Cody just likes to mumble and look confused. He tells everyone that in the end he'll do what's best for his game. Upon hearing that, Zach storms out of the room and becomes annoyed with everyone in his alliance. After some stewing and pacing on his own he rejoins his alliance suggesting that they should put him on the block. *smacks self in the head* He wants to turn the house upside down and start some cockamamie rumor that he and Cody hate each other. *smacks head against glass table* Can someone please get Zach his Ritalin because when this dude gets bored he gets reckless and I need him to stick around as long as possible?

And that is where I'll end this today. The POV Ceremony is a little later and who the hell knows what'll happen. Will Caleb go on block? Or Donny? Or Zach? Will Cody request more time to think it over? Have Jowls' toes fallen off into her sock? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Dead To Me

You guys, I'm sick. And when I get sick I get really really cranky. I also smell of garlic because I did what a tabloid article said to do and I just swallowed a ridiculous amount of raw garlic. But I don't want to leave you hanging another day. This will be quick, dirty and smell faintly of calzones. Let's recap, shall we?

Devin nominated Zach as Brittany's replacement because he's a giant douchebag. His reasoning for taking Brittany off the block is that she's a single mother and he has a single mother and a daughter. Did you know he had a daughter? I hate that brat. I really do. Yell at me all you want. I. Don't. Care. That kid is putting a damper on my summer and I'm hoping she wraps her belongings in a bandana, attaches it to the end of a stick and hops a train to South America. Buh bye daughter!

At the POV Ceremony, Zach went ape shit and started calling out all of his good buddies. Frankie, especially, was not happy.

In the meantime, Team America (fuck yeah!) is now complete. It consists of Donny, Frankie and Derrick. Derrick is interpreting the whole stupid thing as a secret gift message from America that those 3 chuckleheads should be working together when, in actuality, it was simply a popularity contest. Anyhow, Derrick is now putting ALL of his focus on making Team America (fuck yeah!) the most important alliance to his game.

This brings us to another problem - Frankie. How do you solve a problem like Frankie? Once good buddies with Zach, Frankie no longer trusts him and actually wants to vote him out this week. Since I have an ooey gooey soft spot for Zach, I NOW HATE FRANKIE! And, believe me, Frankie is working overtime to make Zach skedaddle. He's holding meetings, kissing ass, telling lies and being Devin's bitch boy. It's gross. Frankie is dead to me.

And then we have Amber. Useless Amber. She's a twit. Hayden hates her and is now his number one target. Dare I say I'm starting to like Hayden now?

What else? What else? Oh! SO Zach outed the entire Bomb Squad to Hayden right in front of Derrick and while Hayden wasn't entirely surprised, he was a little miffed that he was never asked to join. Derrick, Cody and Zach now want to pull Hayden into their Bro alliance. Speaking of Cody, he's got his panties in a twist because he thinks with the Bomb Squad completely exposed that the other side of the house (i.e. the dumb ass twit girls who couldn't open a bottle of ketchup if their life depended on it) will now target the strapping young lads and start picking them off one by one. Slow your roll, Cody. Go pop a Midol and you'll feel better in the morning.

For the most part, Caleb was pretty quiet and introspective. He is very angry that Devin decided to act personally instead of for what's best for the Bomb Squad. However, last I checked, he too wants Zach out.

SO, here's where we are - Frankie is hellbent on getting Zach out of the game and, from last I saw, he is close to pulling it off. BUT we have a small faction that may or may not consist of Cody, Hayden, Derrick and Brittany who would like to save Zach.

And there you have it. A million apologies for the quickness and crudeness of this post. You know how I hate putting out anything subpar, but I feel like Devin's daughter will when she grows up and realizes what a nightmare her father is. In other words, I want to die. On the plus, I smell a little like a delicious pizza right now. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Definitely feel free to correct anything I left out or missed.

'Roids, Bedazzles and Extensions. Oh My!

It has been much too long since we have all been together so I'd like everyone to please close their eyes and grab the hand of the person next to them. Feel their energy leaving their hand and entering yours. Feel their love, their generosity, their kindness, and the childlike joy they feel at the start of a new Big Brother season. Now I'd like you to bathe your neighbor in a healing pink light. Imagine the light shooting up their appendages and down their phalanges. Picture it darting this way and that, hither and thither. Now I want you to imagine that light darkening. Pink to Magenta. Magenta to Maroon. Maroon to a deep Burnt Siena - just like the crayon. The pink is now a rancid and goopy sludge ball of hate and anger. It fills your neighbor with frustration and anxiety. It churns and burns those core embers of dissatisfaction. And now, open your eyes! Turn to your right and SMACK THAT BITCH UP! We don't do hippy dippy mediations here, you silly rabbits. We talk smack!

Welcome back, lovers! Did you miss me? Of course you did! It's been 9 long months and I've given birth to an insatiable lust for a scandalous new Big Brother season. Let's recap, shall we?

Before we dive in to all the shenanigans that have taken place over the past 24 hours, there is a little housecleaning we need to tend to. Important things you need to know. First off, Frankie and Caleb were our two HOH's. Frankie nominated Brittany and Victoria while Caleb nominated Donny and Payola (Paola). In the Battle of the Block where our 4 nominees competed, Brittany and Victoria won making Frankie's HOH null and void. That leaves us with Caleb as our sole HOH and Donny and Payola as our nominees. I know, it's all a big jumbled mess, but hopefully this wiggedy-whack twist disappears in a few weeks.

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And this brings us to yesterday morning. This is all going to be very confusing at first so try to keep up as best you can. Godspeed.

The day begins with all of the HG's preparing themselves mentally and physically for the coming POV comp. Brittany attacks her braided side ponytail with staccato bursts of hairspray while Devin, hereafter known as "Diva," decides to have a word in the HOH with his alliance buddies. The one big alliance in the house is known as the Bomb Squad and it is comprised of Frankie, Caleb, Diva, Derrick, Zach, Cody, Amber and Christine. Within the big alliance are several sub-alliances. For example, all of the men are the REAL Bomb Squad, but Diva likes strength in numbers so he brought in some girls (Amber and Christine). Within the smaller Bomb Squad is the Final Two team of Zach and Frankie. We'll just call them Zankie. To the side of that are the Double D's who are Diva and Donny. And then I think there's a Final Four of Frankie, Zach, Diva and Caleb and a Final Two of Diva and Caleb. If you can keep all of that straight, bless your heart.

OK so Diva goes up to the HOH room to speak with Frankie and Caleb. He's having all these mixed up icky feelings inside about his place in the game. So far he has managed to piss off all of the girls over a bed exchange drama (which will be covered in detail on tonight's Big Brother Gossip Show!), is already thinking about dissolving his secret alliance with Donny, and he's missing his daughter's birthday which is tearing him up inside. Add all of that up plus the agony over whom to evict this week (which isn't even his decision) and Diva is a soppy mess. After weighing the pros and cons of everything under the sun, Diva tells Frankie and Caleb that he thinks Joey should be backdoored and sent home.

Remember back in Episode 1 when the girls (Payola, Joey, Nicole and Amber) formed the very masculine-named El Quatro. Well, the lady lover herself, Joey, basically blabbed about El Quatro to the men which sort of makes it all but nonexistent now. Diva thinks that since everyone is all ticked off at Joey for spilling El Quatro's beans, it'll be no big deal to send her home this week.

Previously, the plan had been to get rid of Donny provided he doesn't win POV this week. For some strange reason, the Bomb Squad has gotten it in their heads that Donny is some sort of genius wizard. They think that underneath all that hair and the thick southern drawl is a genius of epic proportions. These dummies are absolutely convinced that since Donny is 44 years old, he must be a Professor.

So, Diva tells Frankie and Caleb that Payola should definitely stay this week because not only is she a weak player, but she has the potential to cause a lot of riffs in the house. He also tells them that he's well aware of how hard he's playing in the game thus far, but he says he has to. I'm not sure why this is - maybe it's residual bed drama anxiety? Who knows.

Diva then says that if Donny doesn't win the POV, they can get whoever wins to pull him off if he promised not to put up 8 certain people (Bomb Squad) and instead promises to put up 1 of a certain 7 (everyone else in the house). Not only is this the dumbest thing my ears have ever heard, but it's the dumbest thing Frankie has ever heard. Frankie tells Diva point blank that a plan like that blows everything because it outs the Bomb Squad to Donny who is oh so smart and dangerous. Frankie says regarding Donny, "He's a genius. A fucking genius!" Caleb nods in agreement and says that Donny is "freaking dangerous." All of this is pretty hysterical because the guy is a total pussy cat.

Frankie tries his best to calm Diva down by telling him that there is no way they can put up one of their 8. If they put up someone in their own alliance, that person will be so pissed off that they'll tell the rest of the house about the Bomb Squad. He says when they put up one of their own it will be only when 8 people are left in the house. Until then, they have to put up someone outside of their own alliance.

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All of this is in one ear and out the other when it comes to Diva. Instead of realizing the rationale of not putting up one of his own alliance, he changes the subject back to himself and how oh so emotional this all is for him. I swear this guy is on his period. Diva then begins to whine about how he knows the person who plays the hardest goes home early, but he has to play hard because he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. *looks around the room confused*

Diva then comments about how close Amber is to Donny and how they definitely have to split them up. Ok wait a minute. Now even I'm confused. Diva is supposed to be trying to save Donny. Also, he's the one who brought Amber into the Bomb Squad! Common sense be damned! Everyone everywhere worries Diva so the hell with them all.

With the mention of Amber, Frankie reveals that he is incredibly unsure of her. He says they shouldn't push Amber to vote one way or another this week. They'll just let her vote how she wants to vote. Amber is a delicate flower that can't be bent or she'll snap. Of course all of this sends Diva into another shit fit. He replies, "But then we won't have the majority (if Amber votes to keep Donny and he stays)! Confused yet? I know, right? Diva went up there with the intention of getting rid of Joey and now he's paranoid if Donny lingers any longer. Anyhow, Diva says that Amber gets a pissy face if you disagree with her on anything having to do with morality. Frankie says the easy way to remedy that is to simply never disagree with her.

Eventually, Diva gathers up his petticoats and parasol and mopes his way back downstairs. When Caleb finally leaves is when Zach heads up to the HOH to check in with his Final Two buddy. Frankie and Zach compare notes real quick and make sure their both still on the same page. Frankie tells Zach that Diva is freaking out over Amber and whether or not Donny will stay in the house this week. Zach is surprised that Diva is freaking out over Amber considering she's not really in the real Bomb Squad. They then joke about how Diva will never win an HOH unless it's a bench pressing comp.

Then the Feeds go down and it's POV time!

With the magic of time and space and the "return" button on my keyboard, the POV is over and, in the grand tradition of BB upsets, DONNY HAS WON POV! Let's check in on Diva and see how he's doing...

Oh dear. Poor Diva.

Apparently, the POV comp was a spelling comp and Donny won with the word "Splitters." Payola failed miserably trying to spell "Calculator." Never mind all that. Now Caleb has to come up with a replacement nominee. His grand master flash plan is to check in with everyone in the house and ask them who should go home this week. He makes sure to tell everyone ad nauseam that he's not the one picking the replacement, they are. You see, since everyone is pretty much onboard with getting rid of blabbermouth Joey, they'll all be picking Caleb's choice anyways. Caleb thinks it's the perfect way to get what he wants done without getting any blood on his hands.

First he meets with Brittany who tells him that she wants Diva gone. He's caused too many problems in the house and he bothers people. Caleb poo-poo's the idea of Diva going on the block and gently suggests that Joey go up instead. But remember it's not his idea. It's everyone's idea but his. Brittany tells him point blank that if Joey goes up on the block in Donny's place, she'll vote out Payola. She also explains to Caleb that the reason the girl's alliance started in the first place is because a certain ring leader (Payola) saw the boys getting tight and thought it was best that the girls get together as a preventative measure.

Next up is Amber. Amber has grown close to Donny and doesn't buy the boys' reason for going after him in the first place. Caleb replies that Donny just won the POV and beat them all. Amber calmly says, "Because he can spell." Amber thinks Joey should go up on the block and then go home. Amber says that Payola is weak and won't win anything. Caleb then questions Amber and wonders if maybe she's protecting Payola because they're best friends.

Alright, we need to stop for a brief station identification. Caleb has the hots for Amber. Now I'm not talking about a crush or googly eyes or puppy love. I'm talking full on stalker "I'm going to possess her and make her mine forever" kind of a thing. He's obsessed with her and how she reads the Bible and only lives an hour away from him. Count on him knocking her over the head with a blunt object and then dragging her home to meet his parents.

So when you asks yourselves why Caleb is giving Amber attitude over wanting Payola to stay in the game (which is what he wants too) just know that it's basically him being a 7 year old boy and punching her in the arm because he likes her.

Even weirder still, the way Caleb feels about Amber is similar to the way he feels about Diva. When Brittany or others suggest that they want Diva to go up on the block, Caleb doesn't want to hear it. Diva is his brah. They work out and count calories together. There is no way Caleb will put him on the block. I shit you not. He literally said, "We count calories together." Amazing!

Frankie then enters the Hive and Caleb just won't let go of how Brittany had the nerve to suggest that he put Diva on the block. He mimics her in a girls voice and says, "Diva will make this house a living hell for 3 months!" Frankie solemnly says that they'll be getting that from a lot of people. Caleb doesn't care. He insists that Diva is not going home.

And then we fast forward to a very strange and awkward scene. We find Victoria fresh out of the shower sitting in front of the mirror in her robe and crying. Frankie enters and asks her what's going on. It turns out that 2 years ago, Victoria had a cascading waterfall of perfect hair, but for a reason she won't share with us, it fell out and now she has to wear extensions. Even her best guy friends have no idea she wears extensions! She was known for her hair. But now, in the house, she'll have to adjust them or unhook them or take them out or I don't know what. She's crying because she doesn't want people to think she's ugly without her extensions. Here's the thing, Victoria really isn't all that conventionally pretty to begin with. If we're being honest, she has quite a large nose. But, you know what? I like her. I know people think I'm nuts, but I kind of dig her. She's more than her nose or her stupid hair. In her pre-show interviews, I found her to be well-traveled, cosmopolitan and sexy in a different kind of a way. Unfortunately for Victoria, she's OBSESSED with the superficial and almost didn't even come on the show because of her hair woes. For the record, I knew immediately that her hair was extensions. Frankie, however, didn't and does his best to cheer up his best friend in the house. It's very sweet and you can tell that Frankie genuinely cares for Victoria. They're tight personally more than they are strategically. But in the way Caleb won't ever get rid of Diva. Frankie won't ever get rid of Victoria.

Finally it is Joey's turn to meet with Caleb. Joey freely admits that it's her own fault for getting herself in the compromising position she finds herself in. Her reaction to going up is sort of a flippant, "Oh well! What can you do?" Caleb, for the hundredth time in an hour, reiterates how he isn't the one making the decision whom to nominate. It's everyone else in the house. He is simply doing their bidding.

Meanwhile, over in the Living Room, Diva is confessing to Donny that he had some sort of addiction issues that cut his baseball career short. If you'll remember pre-season, he claimed he left baseball because he missed his daughter too much. I, for one, didn't believe that for a second. I knew, I just knew, that there was a juicy story behind it. And there was! It turns out that his teammates couldn't put up with him anymore (no surprises there) and they released him from his contract before suggesting that he head to rehab. We don't know what he was in rehab for, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was for the 'Roids. Diva talked about being next to heroin addicts who were puking their guts out. Donny, always a gentlemen, nods and thanks Diva for sharing his story with him.

Let's head back on upstairs for another Zankie meeting. Since they last met, Donny has won the POV and everyone still hates Diva. The two discuss how Donny is a legitimate threat. They also both agree how Payola is not only the weakest of the bunch, but will totally implode at some point in the game. Frankie then tells Zach how Brittany is out for blood (by wanting Diva out?). He also confesses that he will never put up or vote out Victoria.

Zach then turns on that charm we heard so much about. In every pre-show interview Zach was very proud of his uncanny skill to make people feel good about themselves. And here is where we get to see it firsthand. Zach tells Frankie that his social game is impeccable and that he needs to keep doing what he's been doing. Frankie appreciates that and wants Zach to let him know if people start talking about him. It's all very bromantic and, might I say, sweet?

Before I sign off for the day, I want to touch once more on Caleb's freaky attraction to Amber. After discussing her every move with most of the gentlemen in the house, Caleb has come to the decision that tonight is the night he will declare his love for her. He puts on, what I can only describe as, his bedazzled dungarees and a camo hat. This must be a seduction outfit that has worked for him in the past. And god bless him because there is no way any man should ever be caught dead in jeans like THAT. Nonetheless! These are his wooing duds and woo he shall. Only, I don't think he ever got to do it. The night, from what I've been able to catch up on, was fairly tame with a house meditation and lots of jovial rehashes of how silly Payola was in the comp. We had another episode of Diva being whiny and emotional over how much work he's done in the game so far and how he's not going to do anymore. Ever! He's going to sit and pout about it instead. Good! Maybe we'll finally get him to shut up.

So that's where I'll end off today. For all the nitty gritty details I may have missed and house shenanigans from today, be sure to catch the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10pm! If you can't catch it live, you can always download it for free on iTunes or listen via Stitcher. I'll post links, etc, on my both my Twitter and Facebook.

I'll probably be taking Sundays and Thursdays off as far as the blog is concerned. We'll see. But if you don't find a blog here tomorrow, that's why. Prepping and recording the podcast takes a lot out of me and I'm never quite caught up on house drama by Sunday morning. Since Thursdays are evictions, that's another good day for me to take a mid-week break. Trust me, I need a few days to myself or else I'll burn out.

Until next time, will Caleb kill Amber and keep her head in the HOH fridge? Will Diva ever not be emotional? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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