Monday, July 21, 2014

Kick Out The Jams

In the classic romantic comedy based on the book of the same name, Practical Magic documents a love lost and a love found. Set by the sea in a quaint picturesque Northeastern town amongst white picket fences and lazily statuesque Victorian manors, Practical Magic teaches us to let go and let love happen. It also teaches us how to hex judgmental tightwads who choose to live in their own misery over a life of open-minded acceptance. In the words of Evan Rachel Wood's character, Kylie, "I hope you get... *points dramatically* chicken pox!"

After a whirlwind couple of weeks in which I zapped the flu by swallowing raw garlic, flew back and forth to L.A. within 4 days, and suffered a subsequent vicious migraine attack making light and sound mortal enemies, I am back. To those of you who follow me on social media and have been incredibly understanding, I thank you. To those of you who decided to send me hate messages for not blogging suggesting that I never write again, a pox on your families. No, I didn't quit. No, I haven't lost interest. I was working. W-O-R-K-I-N-G. I realize this might be a foreign concept for homebound cat ladies who can't get up from their couches on their own accord, but there you go. That is the reason for my recent absence. Next time, instead of jumping to conclusions and calling me names, why don't you simply check my Twitter, Facebook and, yes, Instagram (where I posted photos while ON the airplane)? There are links to follow me on any and all of these platforms on the right hand side of this blog. If you are unfamiliar which way is right, it is this way ------>>>>

For the next couple of weeks, things should be back to normal. I thank you for your patience, your understanding, and your human decency. Again, to the assholes who chose another route, may you get a vicious case of the scurvy.

Before we recap, let's take care of some odds and ends. First up, the FitBitch (commonly known as a FitBit)! I have been a strong proponent for all things FitBitch for almost 8 months now. I've encouraged many of you to get one, friend me, and lovingly compete with me. It is a ton of fun, gets you moving and is a great way to get off your couches. Why, you may ask, am I even talking about this? Well, guess what? The Houseguests got FitBitches! Big Brother is tracking their movements and will use their results to determine Haves and Have-Nots. If you too would like to join in the fun and compete with my Big Brother Gossip Show co-hosts and myself, be sure to click on the link on the right (that way ---->). Let me know (in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter) when you have it and I'll tell you how to friend me and others. We're all obsessed and with the release of the new Tory Burch bands, we're even MORE obsessed.

With all of that gobbledygook out of the way, let's recap shall we?

OK so the big reward/punishment POV has finally reared its familiar face and the results are: Victoria won POV, Caleb took $5K over the POV, Zach won a trip to Germany, Nicole has to wear a Germatard (which I assumed was a bottle of Purell, but is actually a lederhosen), Cody has to kick himself in the ass whenever "Penalty Kick!" blares throughout the house and Brittany has to kick 2400 goals in 24 hours or else she can't play in the next POV.

First, let's discuss that crazy kooky beast mode cowboy Caleb. Caleb is largely disliked amongst the BB fanbase, but I love him. Love him! He's delusional, narcissistic, ridiculous and probably a creepy stalker who collects used women's underwear and stores them under the floorboards of his bedroom. What's not to love?! And in typical Caleb fashion, right after he won the $5K he wandered around the house declaring, "I'm the richest person in the house now!" Yes indeedy you are, Caleb. Rich with cray-cray. Never change, my love. And joy, yesterday he added a new riff to his POV monologues. He is now extremely angry with himself for not taking the trip to Germany instead of the money. Why, you ask? Well, it's because if he won that trip to Germany he could take his lady friend Amber with him. Haha! Naturally, all of this is quite annoying to the other Houseguests making some of them wonder if perhaps Caleb should go home this week over Brittany. Don't you dare do that, HG's! I need my crazy! I will be lost without Caleb in the house to entertain me.

Next, let's talk about nails on a chalkboard Nicole. While dehydration and staring at an iPad with a crooked neck is probably to blame for my recent migraine, I'm going to go ahead and blame Nicole's voice instead. I can't take it anymore! And having to go from frog to lederhosen has only exacerbated that irritating midwest whine of hers. Wahh wahh I have to wear a unitard. Wahhh. Oh stick a frankenfurter in it. I can't wait until she's gone from the house.

And this brings us to Brittany. Stubborn jowly Brittany. She has decided to accept the challenge of kicking 2400 goals in 24 hours, but she has also decided to ignore everyone's advice on how she can make it easier on herself. The boys have advised her on how to kick in a less painful way, but she simply narrowed her eyes and glared at them. And when someone suggested she not bend over to pick up the ball thousands of times risking injury and strain to her back, she shook her jowls violently and pretended she didn't hear the advice. It was this bending over action that brought me to Brittany's new nickname - Jowly! While Brittany is a moderately cute gal, she has the unfortunate problem of the loose jowls. Gravity will not be this girl's friend as she ages  (Kate Middleton will have this problem too. Just you watch.) and all that bending over she's been doing has only accelerated the process. I suggest she squats when she bends and starts sleeping on her back. And in a few years, she can book herself a lift and all will be remedied. Easy peasy.

But until then, she's going to continue to kick the ball on a bounce - for maximum toe pain. Switching to Donny's shoes over her own helped her alleviate the swelling a bit, but still. Why she would actually INCREASE the force with which the ball landed on her toes is a mystery to me. Speaking of Donny, he sat outside with Jowls the entire she was kicking her goals. He was her cheerleader, her counter ("fo-wer, fah-ive, see-ix.") and support system. It was very sweet on Donny's part, but also very annoying. I had a feeling Jowls' inner dialogue went something like this, "Shutupshutupshutupshutup."

After every few hundred kicks or so, Jowls would take a Greek Yogurt break *gag* and soak her bloodied mangled tootsies in the pool. The ever faithful Donny was always nearby with words of encouragement. Also, Jocasta reared her batshit crazy Pentecostal head and started to read Bible verses to Jowls, "Are you listening, Jowls? Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just read to you?" Jowls would sigh, "Yes. Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup."

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Later, when her toes had blackened and fallen off, Jowls switched to the method of kicking the ball backwards. It seemed to work for her and she was finally able to reach her goal. Good for her! Some BB fans claimed it was a total waste of her time, but I vehemently disagree with that. Yes, the plan right now is to get rid of her, but this is Big Brother. Things change all the time in the house. And if the plan for Donny to go up as Victoria's replacement goes through, people might change their minds and decide to get rid of him instead. He has proven himself in the Challenges and has definitely stepped up his strategic game. It would have been silly for Jowls to not plan for every eventuality. If by some miracle she stays, she WILL be nominated again and she'll need to be able to play in the next POV.

As my previous paragraph just stated, Donny is the planned replacement nomination. But Donny isn't going down without a fight. When Cody finally wakes up and makes his way outside, Donny takes the opportunity to make his pitch on how Caleb should go on the block this week. He cites Caleb's "Germany with Amber" remark as evidence to how selfish Caleb is and how he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Donny then tells Cody that if Jowls stays in the house, it won't even be Cody who saved her, it'll be the people who voted for her who saved her so he really won't have much blood on his hands. Donny tells Cody that the nomination will simply be Cody putting a selfish guy on the block.

Cody listens to everything Donny has to say and you definitely get the impression that Cody agrees with Donny. Caleb has been on Cody's shit list due to his Amber obsession and deep down he fears that Caleb will target him the first chance he gets. As he thinks about his options, Donny tells him that getting rid of the two biggest threats in the game (Devin and Caleb) back to back would be awesome. He also says that as long as Amber and Caleb are in the house together, none of them are really safe because they will always save the other if one of them was at risk of going home. Cody sighs and says that it all makes sense, but what if next week is a Double Eviction? He's petrified of being vulnerable and not able to play for HOH.

Donny eventually leaves Cody to his own thoughts with Christine finally makes her way outside (these bitches sleep ALL day). Immediately Cody tells Christine everything that Donny just pitched to him. He says that Caleb is a definite risk for HIS game while Jowls is a risk to everyone else's game. Cody continues to on and on about how bad Caleb is for his game and how he's always saying boneheaded things and not playing strategically at all. On the other side of the coin, Caleb is a loose cannon and could go after him next week if he stays in the house. Rationally, Cody should get rid of Caleb. Selfishly, you keep your hands off my beast mode cowboy! I NEED Caleb in the house. He's all I have.

As the night progresses, so does the tension. Donny is suspicious of everyone especially Derrick who he thinks is the house mastermind while Zach, that flibbertygibbit who plays by what entertains him instead of what is smart, is now also suggesting that Caleb goes on the block. Look, I love Zach. He's funny, he's a loudmouth, but he's also a horrible player. One of these days, his antics are going to really piss off his alliance and they'll start looking at him as a liability rather than an asset.
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Late night in the house saw the Caleb v. Donny debate continue. Zach is adamant that Caleb needs to go. Frankie isn't so sure he'll be voted out if he goes up. And Cody, well Cody just likes to mumble and look confused. He tells everyone that in the end he'll do what's best for his game. Upon hearing that, Zach storms out of the room and becomes annoyed with everyone in his alliance. After some stewing and pacing on his own he rejoins his alliance suggesting that they should put him on the block. *smacks self in the head* He wants to turn the house upside down and start some cockamamie rumor that he and Cody hate each other. *smacks head against glass table* Can someone please get Zach his Ritalin because when this dude gets bored he gets reckless and I need him to stick around as long as possible?

And that is where I'll end this today. The POV Ceremony is a little later and who the hell knows what'll happen. Will Caleb go on block? Or Donny? Or Zach? Will Cody request more time to think it over? Have Jowls' toes fallen off into her sock? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. I love me a MC5 reference. Welcome back!

  2. Welcome back Bitch!! Always enjoy reading your blog and have a great day

  3. So glad you are rehydrated and feeling fine. Most excellent blog, loved the Practical Magic reference. Go forth and be Fit!

  4. Welcome back bitch! Glad you're feeling better :)

  5. Glad you are healthy! It made my day to be able to read your take again!

  6. Good to read you again! You've been missed. Welcome back to the Land of theBitchy!

  7. Beyond happy to see your latest take on the house. So glad the Glitter Bitch is back in action! I missed you terribly on the Big Brother Gossip podcast this weekend. The boys just aren't the same without you, CoLa. Welcome back, our dearest bitch!

  8. Ah, let the cooling balm of bitchiness wash over me! As a stubborn non-user of Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, I really missed you. Welcome back!
    Agreement with you will characterize my comments today. Nicole's voice is possibly carcinogenic. If millions of Americans develop aural cancer months after the finale, we'll know.
    CalebMarie is delightfully delusional. While I practically rub my hands together in anticipation of his ouster, I dread how dull the house will be once he's gone. Because he clearly is overcompensating for some perceived shortcomings in his life, it's now up to America to reveal someone---anyone---who's actually had sex with him. I'm thinking it's 3 inches long and crooked, assuming it works at all! He reminds me a bit of Brendon (blaming the chicken wire for being too small for "man hands" sounded just like Brendon blaming his loss in an endurance competition on the ledge being designed for people with smaller feet than his), but, whereas Brendon was a humorless tool, CalebMarie is hysterically effeminate. He's a keeper!
    Does Zach remind anyone else of Batman's nemesis the Riddler? Not Frank Gorshin's so much as Jim Carrey's version, I mean. Hopped up on goofy juice, bouncing here and there, spouting mad plans that make sense only to him... I'm sure in his mind he's a cross between Dr. Will and Dan Gheesling, however.
    What are your thoughts on Donny, Colette? I thought he'd grate on me, but he's just so genuinely friendly to people that I struggle to produce any bile for the guy. Am I missing something?
    Anyway, welcome back! In the words of Homer Simpson, "NEVER LEAVE AGAIN!"

  9. After listening to Caleb I can't understand how Amber thought he was "into himself". His modesty is overwhelming and Zach is such a nice Jewish boy.

  10. The Jiggeldy Jokers!

  11. Welcome back, Lala :-D You were sorely missed in blog-land as well as on the Big Brother Gossip Show!

  12. I'm glad you're back. nobody recaps quite like you, you have such an original voice. However, I would not blame you if you just packed it all in, these are the biggest group of charmless assholes ever. The only reason Devin went is b/c he wanted to, he was sick of them too. If he wanted to stay, I'm sure AG could have found a diamond POV or some such nonsense lying around to give him.

  13. Love my rebellious Zach!! I really wanted to see Caleb on the block as it would make him crazy!! Unfortunately Cody is playing Derrick's game which is boring and I can't stand him, never did care for him. Ah well, let's see what happens... Disgrazia4

  14. Thank God you are back! No one bitches it out like you! I also love the Beast Mode Cowboy! No one is crazier & if we are lucky he will snap on the feeds.

  15. Thanks for returning, I am glad you are feeling better! You are my entertainment in the summer!