Someone Please Take Out The Trash

Greetings Big Brother junkies!

BIG show tonight, right? It's looking like we will be having our first edurance competition of the season. I love the endurance comps. I really do. Either the HG's are being hurled into a wall, tangled up in painful pretzel poses, holding on to a key for dear life, being covered in a runny vile substance... I ask you, what's not to love? Anything that tortures HG's is OK by me. The endurance competition coupled with the fact that there's a mysterious "huge announcement" makes tonight very exciting and here's where I climb on top of my soap box...

I am so sick of people saying how boring the house is, how awful the cast is, "Bring back Dr. Will!", Bring back Evel Dick!"... Oh just shut the fuck up. It makes me want to scream when all I see is constant bitching. If you don't like it, cancel your feeds, stop watching CBS, stop following 18 Big Brother blogs, just STOP everything. I don't want old people back. I say when your season is up, it's up. You can come back for All Stars and to host an occasional POV, but other than that I don't want to hear from you again. We are in week 3 people... WEEK 3! In almost 21 days I think we've had maybe 2 1/2 boring days (1 of which was yesterday). Quit your bitching, take a chill pill, and live in the now. Thank you.

So yes, yesterday was very low key. The HG's have finally learned not to push too many buttons the day before an HOH competition. Jessie got his HOH camera and took photos, Michele talked some more about her freaky sexual preferences, and Lydia totally pulled a Project Runway and made Natalie a suit out of trash bags. In anticipation of an endurance competition, Natalie is abnormally obsessed with getting wet. Who does she think she is, Chima? Is she the Wicked Witch Of The West? Will she melt if water touches her skin (insert Natalie shower joke here)? I have no idea why Natalie thinks keeping dry will give her an advantage. I hope it is a wet competition and that the water makes her suit of trash so slippery that she's the first one eliminated.

Lydia spent hours on that trashbag suit. It was actually really creative and kind of cool that she pulled it off. She made drawstrings into the jacket and a hood and everything. All Natalie did after trying it on was bitch about how a drop of water could get her face wet. She demanded Lydia put in more drawstrings and then she strutted around flashing gang symbols everywhere and sparring with no one. Natalie you are a tool. I guarantee if she loses HOH, she'll somehow blame Lydia.

One more thing about Natalie before we move on, late last night in the HOH room Jessie mentions something about when he was 22. Natalie immediately chimes in and says, "Yeah I used to think the same way when I was 22 too." Uh oh. She then quickly says, "Oh wait I haven't turned 22 yet." She's such an idiot. Bitch can't keep her mouth closed long enough to keep up with the lie about her age. Women lie about their ages all the time. Why is Natalie finding it so damn difficult? (Insert joke about how Natalie isn't a woman here)

Earlier I mentioned a conversation where Michele once again delighted men in the live feed chats. Some of the HG's were talking about orgasms and kegel exercises. Jordan, no surprises here, had NO idea what a kegel was. Isn't this just common knowledge? Well, anyhow, Michele used to do them obsessively and now a ride in a bumpy car makes her orgasm. As funny as this is, I'm really doubting the legitimacy of it. Kegels affect an area nowhere near the clitoris. Instead, I think Michele has a long ass freaky clit that she plays with too much and is constantly daydreaming about sex thus making her more susceptible to a car ride climax.

Chima spent half the night all up on Russell's jock. She's so into him and really wants to hook up, but she's too paranoid about her grandparents seeing her doing anything. I hate that. How boring. She questioned Russ about his favorite sexual positions and how many women he's slept with. Russell refuses to divulge a number and says that men have the ability to completely detach emotion from sex so the number of their sexual partners is always really high compared to a woman's. (Lala glances over at HoodedWarrior) Russell is right. I mean, he's not saying anything we all don't already know, but he is blissfully unaware that women, too, have the ability to detach emotion. Keep that to yourselves girls because as soon as men figure out we're not always in love with them their worlds will start to crumble and ESPN will no longer makes sense.

Expect to see Casey go home tonight. He was funny and likable, but his naivete about the game was his ultimate downfall. He trusted people and that was his mistake. Getting mad at people for lying in Big Brother is like getting mad at Michele wanting to lick your naughty place during sex. Big Brother is made of lies and Michele was made for ass licking. There's no separating the two.

I'm going to actually end this early today. Real life is intervening for a little bit and I've got to motor. I'll make it up to everyone tomorrow with a thrilling recap and clips of the HOH competition.

I leave you with my picks for who I want to win HOH tonight: Lydia, Kevin or Jordan. Jeff can win only if the cliques are dissolved. I essentially want some Athletes asses on the block this week, particularly Jessie and Natalie. It's about time we see them sweat a little.

Who do you want to win HOH?

I'd Like To Thank World Of Warcraft

Image via onlinebigbrother.com

Scandal. Scandal. Scandal.

When Braden's Beaner fight got bleeped last night, I was so frustrated. Non live feeders on Twitter couldn't grasp what the big fight was all about. They were terribly confused. Then Chima swooped in like a rabid turkey vulture to straighten it all out by calling Butter Face Braden a bigot on national television. The sky parted, a choir of angels sang a Michael Jackson song, and all was right with the world. For those who missed it, Chima also revealed that Braden had called Julie Chen a whore. *bites knuckle dramatically* To make this even more delicious, Les Moonves (grand poobah of CBS and the Chenbot's husband) was there on the stage! I ask you, does it get any better than that? That topped Chelsia's speech by a mile.

So it looks like we have a new HOH bitches. How the hell did Ronnie pull that off? I don't think I can even be mad at the little rodent. Something about his win had divine providence written all over it. I thought I would have been livid, but instead I just laughed and laughed shaking my head muttering to myself, "Really? Did that just happen?"

Ronnie bugs me immensely. He's sneaky, he's duplicitous, he's annoying, he's manipulative and he just might be the greatest player to enter that house. As much I dislike him, I've really got to hand it to him. He pulled off the greatest first week ruse ever and has even managed to nab the HOH for a finale. I'll break down the beauty of what Ronnie achieved over the course of this post.

The live feeds turned on within 10 minutes of the live show ending and it turned on with a bang. Cat fight! All the bitches were fighting and clawing at each other's eyes and hair. No, not really, but Chima was hooting and hollering a piece. Her voice can cut glass so you can see how one could easily assume the girls were trying to kill each other. Chima is safe this week and she has no problem whatsoever calling out all the bitches who pissed her off last week. Bless her heart.

(It's come to my attention that Chima is dlisted.com's Slut Of The Day. Check it out! http://dlisted.com/node/32992)

Chima screamed at Michele for voting against her team. She attacked Laura for being a big fat lying horsey face. Natalie jumped in because, well, because she's Natalie and that's what Natalie's do. They jump into situations that have nothing to do with them and they kick and flail about making a lot of unnecessary noise.




Meanwhile Ronnie, all puffed up and walking around like he has an imaginary crown on his head, can't wipe the smirk of his face. Someone get a brillo pad because his gloating is eating away at the part of my brain that contains kindness and goodness. He's light as air blowing kisses to all his new subjects. The Athletes don't help the situation much with all their ass kissing. The next hour was filled with lots of, "We knew you could do it brah!", "You're the man Ronnie!", " Can I suck your dick after he does Ronnie?" Oh it was a regular love fest with Ronnie fanning the flames with an occasional and completely false, "I can't believe I did it!".

While that suck fest was going on, Mr. Ed was in the other room regretting every single ridiculous move she's ever made in the house. National Velvet has come to the realization that perhaps that outburst in the HOH last night wasn't a great idea after all. OK. I have to say it. I just have to. Allow me this one moment of joy... I TOLD YOU SO!!! You never, and I mean NEVER, waltz into a band of gypsies and threaten and gloat and taunt and whinny the night before an HOH competition. This is just common sense. How smart are you feeling today Laura? What's wrong Black Beauty... saddle on too tight?

Take a wild(fire) guess who is enemy #1 and is almost absolutely positively going on the block? I'll give you a hint: You don't have to be as smart as her to figure it out.

While Laura was trying to get her upper lip over her teeth, Natalie was busy throwing Casey under the bus. She wants Laura and Casey on the block. Unfortunately, Ronnie seems onboard with that idea. I like Casey. I don't want him on the block. I had a feeling that when he decided to vote out Chima that things were going to be an uphill battle for him from here on out.

Casey is more worried about the world thinking he's a racist right about now. Chima's speech saying that if you vote to keep Braden then you're a racist didn't sit well with Casey at all. He teaches at a school that's 80% black and he's extremely concerned that he's offended his students. Personally, I don't think Casey has anything to worry about. It would be ridiculous for anyone anywhere to assume he was a racist now.

Team Braden has finally come to the realization that they have a rat in their misdt. Really geniuses? The fact that the other side has known every move you were going to make didn't tip you off to that before? I like Jordan, Jeff and Casey but I sometimes have to wonder what game they're playing. Did I not say that Jordan telling Ronnie every single damn thing that's on her mind would come back and bite her in the ass? She just really isn't very bright at all. Last night she's finally realized that she's pretty much the reason Ronnie was able to infiltrate their world. She was so eager to nab Ronnie's vote that she didn't bother to question his loyalty. Ignorance is partly to blame, but her hasty game play has also completely fucked over Jeff and Casey.

In a rant in which the fourth wall was broken, Jordan told America that Jessie is disgusting. She insulted him and had a grand ole time trying to humiliate him to the Showtime viewing audience. That is, until she called him gay and a fag. I think it was "the fag of America" to be precise. Oh Jordan. *shakes head* Michele, who had previously come out as bisexual, told Jordan not to say "fag" and then she walked away in a huff. Jordan turned to her cohorts and said, "I think Michele is the rat."

Michele remembered a singular moment when she had been out with Debbie's gang. They were leaving an extremely friendly female establishment called Ruby Fruit's. Her hair wild from the heat of 300 women dancing cheek to cheek, Michele was giddy on mojitos and tripping over her black patent leather stilettos. Debbie's friends Sally, Babs, Lucky and Tweety had fawned over Michele in her canary yellow dress. She was high on compliments and unfamiliar wandering hands cupping her breasts while swaying to Ani DiFranco's 'Shy'. No one had made her feel as loved and as carefree as the Ruby Fruit gang. Michele had finally found her niche. Her head cloudy and a cheeky grin plastered on her face Michele felt on top of the world. She felt invincible... until some oily rednecks walked by and upon seeing Babs and Tweety, handsome robust women, holding hands shouted "Fag!". Ever since then she's always hated that word.

Michele goes inside to cool her jets and decides to confront Team Chima. Chima is fuming that Michele voted against her own teammate. Natalie is once again jumping in and shouting over and over again that Michele was never her target. Michele is tired, annoyed and coming to the realization that anything fun about being in Big Brother is about to disappear. One of the guys who complimented her is gone and it looks like another person who can tolerate her boring personality will also be leaving shortly.

That brings us to the big HOH reveal! Ronnie got his HOH room and it was filled with photos of his wife (Ronnie tried to awkwardly convince everyone that she looks like Denise Richards), play doh, candy, a bubble gun toy type of thing and a letter from home that moved Ronnie to tears. It was actually very sweet. My favorite part was when his wife said that she had been watching the feeds when Ronnie was in the pool and that he was looking good. Ronnie shouted "Yeah!" and high fived Russell and Jessie, his personal trainers, for whipping him into shape.

Thanks to Shea at Clipser for the clip!

Where does that leave us? Team Jeff knows Ronnie is a rat. Team Chima tried unsuccessfully to convince them that the rat was Casey, but said rat is in power and all teams have no choice but to kiss his ratty ass. Seabiscuit is foaming at the mouth and probably needs a salt lick. She's trying to convince herself that if she goes home at least she played with dignity. Whatever you need to tell yourself Rachel Alexander. Why don't you go ahead and tell yourself that you're smart and pretty again too? It's been about 10 minutes since your last reminder.

Ronnie sent out his first tweet in which he thanked his World Of Warcraft server. I have no idea what that means. I don't speak Geek.

Today is a big day. We have the Have/Have-Not's competition and the nomination ceremony. Be sure to check back tomorrow to find out how it all went down in glorious bitchy detail.

P.S. I have discovered that when you google Braden Bracha my blog comes up repeatedly on the first page. LOL I'm gonna have one pissed off douchey surfer poet after me.