The Most Perfect Couple In The World

Occasionally, in the dark of night amid the screeching sirens, the steam rising from the manholes, and the sounds of alley cats being violently raped by mole people, three tiny little perfect beings of light known as The Fates will emerge and cast their lovely spidery spells over unsuspecting humans. You may remember The Fates from last season and how they weaved their magic in the BB11 house. (at least I hope you do cuz I sure as hell don't). The Fates will only come out for very very special people - people deemed worthy of great things and plentiful successes. This year The Fates have set their sights on a red-haired vixen from Vegas. They've seen her struggle from chemist to barmaid, from flat-chestedness to voluptuousness, from sorority girl to burbling idiot and, together, they've decided to send her a man not only her equal in intellect, but also her equal in assholedness (pronounced: asshole-ed-ness). She will feel blessed, grateful, special, amazing, and privileged. Her time on this Earth will finally have meaning and she and her male counterpart will become "the most perfect couple in the world". They'll live amidst fairies and wood nymphs. He'll string daisies in her hair and she'll talk for 18 hours straight. It'll truly be majestic and otherworldy. It'll drive us insane. Let's recap, shall we?

Now, I'm not really sure how the day began. I'm assuming it was with a hacking cough (Kathy) and an annoyed look (Monet), but I sure do know how it ends. We begged and begged for some drama and, thankfully bitches, we got it! I'll just go ahead and start with what I know.

OK so Kathy and Monet are talking and having a bit of a heart to heart. Kathy takes it upon herself to advise Monet that Britney might not be the best person to do her campaigning for her. Britney is made of thorns and squirrel's blood and, generally, people don't like thorns and squirrel's blood. Monet just sighs and purses her lips. It soooo hard to be on the block. No one understands what she's going through. It's bad enough she'll probably go home, but couldn't Kathy see it in her heart to give her a sympathy vote so she doesn't look stupid like Annie? Kathy blows smoke in Monet's face, points at Monet, and says, "Look chickie, you're on the block because of that money. That's why you're going home." Monet doesn't listen. She never listens. Instead she sighs (again) dramatically and says, "Rachel and Brendon are so evil. They're on a total power trip. I wish they'd get herpes." Ok so that might not be word for word what she said, but it was something like that. Kathy takes another puff, puts one hand on her hip and declares, "I disagree. I think Rachel and Brendon are genuine. I believe every word that escapes their lips. They're bathed in goodness and light." Yadda yadda yadda. The point to all this is that Monet is a snivelling little bitch and Kathy is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Let's move on.

The afternoon arrives and rumors are spreading almost as fast as Rachel's legs. Apparently, Rachel told Kristen that Britney said that Kristen was going to change her vote and get rid of Matt instead of Monet. I don't know how this rumor got started. I don't know if there's any truth to it. All I know is that I have to thank ebersolebe for trying to explain it to me. Bless her heart. I'm a little slow sometimes. Ok so now this rumor is "out there" and everyone is all jumpy and weirded out by it. Kristen converts from a box of chocolates back to her human form and confronts Britney asking her what the eff is going on? Britney gets huffy and says she never said what she's accused of saying. She marches over to Kathy because Kathy, being very good at stirring shit for a living, might be the one feeding Rachel all these lies. Kathy shoots flames out of her nose, rolls over in whatever she's using for a bed, and makes Britney cry. Britney, in turn, runs to Monet and tells her that the mean Dragon Lady just yelled at her. I know. It's all very confusing and it doesn't make much sense. Shit like this will happen when Big Brother only shows you 2 feeds out of 8000. Viewers tend to miss pieces of important information.

Britney is crying and Kathy is again saying how she doesn't have "time" for all this childish bullshit. Again, I ask, how can you not have "time"? Your DayRunner has officially been cleared for the next 8 weeks. All you have is time! Anyhow, they sit outside trying to kiss and make-up when Kathy puffs out some words of wisdom, "You know what babe. *exhale* I'm thinking it's no fun to be HOH. *inhale* Mo' money, mo' problems. You know what I'm saying? Reminds me of a crackden I once busted up back in '93... Have you ever tried one of them "Salad Shooters"? *exhale* Let me tell ya, when you get your hands on one of those, you'll never go back to chopping vegetables again. *inhale*" Ok Kathy, whatever you say. Go back to sleep.

Britney leaves Mumbling Mary outside and heads on up to visit Rachel in the HOH. She turns on the tears and insists that she hasn't campaigned for Monet at all - even though Monet is her best friend in the house. Rachel tells her point blank that people have told her that Britney is going around the house saying shit. Britney cries some more, claims exhaustion, and says all she's trying to do is have a good time in the house. If having a good time is making fun of people and crying constantly, then she's doing a hell of a job. Britney tries to explain how it would be stupid of her to say that Kristen is voting to keep Monet. A lie like that makes no sense. Rachel nods her head and then does what Rachel does best.... turns the conversation to herself and her man.

Rachel begins a neverending soliloquoy on how she'd totally understand if Britney was campaigning for Monet. If Brendon was on the block, Rachel would be fighting like a mad dog to keep him in the house. If Brendon falls down and scratches his knee, Rachel will kiss it and make it better. If Brendon poops himself by accident, Rachel will be there to scrub scrub scrub until the stains are all gone. Rachel was put on this Earth to serve Brendon so she totally understands if Britney is looking out for her friend Monet. Britney just kind of looks at Rachel quizically wondering if chlamydia can walk and, if so, will it walk up the chair and inside her shorts. Rachel continues on...

"I would do anything for Brendon. He's so amazing and we're so amazing together that I'd totally jump in front of a bullet for him. I really like you Britney. I can see us being best friends. Speaking of best friends, Brendon is my best friend. I mean, can you believe how we found each other?! And in Big Brother of all places! I'm so blessed. Really, I don't know what I've done to deserve such an amazingly perfect life. If I didn't have Brendon, I'd probably be on the street scoring rock and selling my body. Why are you and I frenemies Britney? We could totally be like sisters. We're so alike. I mean, I love you. I really do. We should hang out when this is all done. Brendon and I will be living together with 4 babies, a rabbit, and 3 cats, but you could totally come visit us. I think Kathy is coming to visit too. Did you know that Kathy think that's Brendon and I were meant to meet? Isn't that amazing? It's like we're magical or something. So yeah, I totally get it that you want Monet to stay. Brendon is the reason I breathe and we're so good together. You know what I mean? You were in a sorority and so was I. I'll bet if Brendon was a girl, he'd be in a sorority too. It'd be called the Amazing Sorority. I'm sure there's a Greek letter for "amazing". Do you know what it is cuz I don't? I think Brendon and I should go to Greece. Do you think Brendon would like Gyros? I think he would. He likes to eat and I like to eat. Can you believe two people who like to eat actually found each other? I mean, what are the chances of that happening?"

Britney replies, "Yeah ok, ummm , you're not really my target. You never have been. I'm not going to put you or Brendon up on the block." Rachel nods and smiles, "I'm not going after you either. I'm not in a fucking showmance. I'm in a re-la-tion-ship. Did you know that Matt volunteered to go up on the block?"

*pause for the end of nonsense and the beginning of awesomeness*

OK so in the middle of this psychotic rant that Rachel was on, she manages to leak out that Matt volunteered to go up as a pawn. This is news to Britney because not too long ago Matt was downstairs bitching about being on the block and saying that he's going to seek vicious revenge on Brenchel for doing him wrong. Here is where things begin to get fun.

Britney's jaw hits the floor. She tells Rachel all the smack that Matt has been saying to the rest of the house. Rachel's world begins to crash down around her. She needs to find Brendon. She must consult him now! She calls Matt this year's "Ronnie" and tells Britney she knew all along that putting Matt on the block was a mistake, but that boneheaded love of her life Brendon just woudn't believe her. Right as Rachel is about to summon Brendon upstairs, BB calls an outdoor lockdown. Britney hugs Rachel and says, "Sorry you got played." and I laughed and laughed and sprinkled glitter down my dress.

Outside Rachel grabs Britney and Brendon for a super important hammock meeting. She makes Britney tell Brendon everything that Matt has been saying. Brendon yawns, adjusts his sunglasses, and wonders when he can get back to working out. Rachel pokes him over and over again trying to get some sort of response while Britney sits there looking very pleased with herself. At this point in time, feedsters have no idea if what Britney has been saying about Matt is true or not. I mean, she roasts puppies for breakfast yet she cries a lot. We're so torn as to whether or not she can be believed. We know that Matt wanted to protect Badda-bing, but has he really been plotting to go after Brenchel this whole time? We'll have to wait until the house meeting to find out.

Yes, I said "house meeting". After the lockdown is finally over, Rachel summons her favorite minion Ragan upstairs to figure out what she should do and how she should approach this "Matt thing". Well, Ragan is in love with Matt so he goes on and on about how Britney has so much to gain from such a rumor and that Matt is perfection personified and would never even hurt a fly. Ragan suggests they have a house meeting so they can caucus and get all their oooey gooey feelings out in the open so that everyone is on the same page. It is here that I really begin to hate Ragan. I liked him better when he was mute and quietly observing. Now that he's talking and contributing he's singlehandedly foiling all sorts of great backstabbing and secrets. He always wants to "do the right thing" and I simply won't stand for it. He also has a hint of Rachel Disease where he goes on and on and on and on saying the same shit over and over again and always ending his speeches by telling someone he loves them. It's exhausting and completely annoying to listen to.

This brings us to said "house meeting". Rachel gathers everyone in the Living Room and is determined to get to the bottom of the mystery as to whether or not Matt said he was mad at going up on the block and if he's now planning on going after Brenchel. All the assholes sit down and Rachel begins... "Someone is playing both sides of the house." Ragan interrupts and says, "Wait a minute, I don't think we should start by accusing people when we don't know the facts yet." OH SHUT THE HELL UP RAGAN! I'm so fucking sick of your pious ass. Shut up. Sit down and shut the fuck up. Jesus!

Rachel starts over again... "We are gathered here today because I want Monet to go home." Seriously, that's more or less how she restarted the meeting. Anyhow, she announces to everyone that Matt volunteered himself as a pawn in order to ensure that Monet went home. Apparently, now, there are accusations that Matt is actually mad about being on the block. She turns to Matt and asks, "What do you have to say for yourself?" I leaned in really close and wondered what Matt would say. Would he come up with some elaborate scheme? Would he call Britney out for being a stinky lying ho-bag? Would he cry and say the game is just too much for him? No. No to all of the above. You want to know what Matt did? He sat there, crossed his arms over his chest, and says, "Yeah I said it. You assholes are bulllies and I don't like it. I want you out of the game." I'm paraphrasing a little bit of course for the sake of efficiency, but you get the idea.

Matt tells everyone how Rachel and Brendon wanted him to vote out Monet if they put Andrew on the block. Matt announces to the group that he couldn't do that. He doesn't care for Andrew and wants him and his weird rituals out of the house. Maybe it has something to do with Andrew not showering on the high holidays. Who knows? So Matt tells everyone that he couldn't promise to vote how Rachel and Brendon wanted him to so instead he volunteered to go on the block as a way to get out of voting. LOL So stupid. He doesn't like how Brenchel have been on this big power trip and, seriously, how many HOH's are there this week anyways?

Well, Rachel begins to get mad, Brendon shouts "boobies!", and Monet begins to sniffle to herself. Hayden tries to hide under the pillows, Kristen transformed herself into a lovely area rug, and I think Enzo fell asleep behind his sunglasses. Kathy was jonesing for a smoke while Ragan sat there wide-eyed and flummoxed that his precious Matthew isn't made of marshmallows. This was no Algonkian Round Table, let me tell ya. It went on and on with Rachel hooting and hollering about something or other. Brendon would occasionally burble out a comment or two that pretty much amounted to nothing more than, "Yeah, what Rachel said."

Matt tells everyone it's moronic to team up with a showmance because you'll always be second fiddle and that every person in the house needs to reconsider where their loyalties lie. Rachel hears the word showmance and her head spins around 3 times. It's true love, don't they know that?

In the midst of all this Britney leans over and pushes the button labeled "CRY" on Monet's lower back. Like magic, Monet stands up and cries that Matt is an evil little man. He lied to her and made her feel bad. Britney smiles to herself and watches as Monet leaves the meeting. Rachel then turns her attention on Britney. She wants Britney to tell everyone about how Matt told her to throw the next HOH. Britney doesn't like confrontation so she announces, "I just hate that my name is being brought up into this." What?!? This was all her doing! She's the instigator! Bitch can bitch, but she just can't handle when someone confronts her on it.

The meeting eventually ends and everyone begins to go their separate ways to rehash what just went down. I didn't know whether people would be pissed at Matt or finally realize that Brenchel needs to be destroyed. Turns out Hayden and Kristen still want Monet out. Better yet, Rachel gets some of that red wine into her and goes up to Matt to tell him she loves him. I'm not going to try to pretend to understand why these bitches think and act the way they do. All I know is that I think Matt is staying and that next week, god willing, the entire house could turn against Brenchel. The reason I say this is because late into the wee hours of the night Rachel proceeded to tell everyone who'd listen that she's in love with Brendon and that they are the "most perfect couple in the world". Being a sane and logical person, I can only assume that others would be bothered by this as much as I am. I mean, there's NO way the HG's would put up with that bullshit for much longer, would they?

So, what did you guys think of that house meeting? Do you think Matt is the luckiest man alive? Is Britney really evil and devising all this mayhem on purpose? Will Brendon ever find his balls? Would anyone be offended if I snuck into the house and wired Rachel's jaw shut? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!