Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Why Were There TWO Darrens?

Once upon a time there was a house full of strangers. One night after farting and eating fish sticks, they all reached under their beds, drank a concoction that came out of Rachel's hoo ha, and then died. Blissfully and peacefully the house was quiet. Feedsters paused for a mo, looked at one another, sighed, and then... CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES C'MON!!! Kool and the Gang burst through the doors, disco balls appeared out of nowhere, and at home we all stood in front of our laptops and danced to the infectious groove. Somewhere in the world Annie was laughing and saying "I told you so". BB12 bloggers decided to blog about Bewitched reruns instead (That Endora can be such a bitch!) Seriously, you guys, I can't take it anymore! Nothing ever happens in this house. I'd rather watch Paradise Hotel (come on, how great is that show?) to analyze game play than this sorry sack of idiots. *sigh*

I'll keep blogging. Don't start freaking out. I'm not quitting or anything. I'm just saying it's extremely difficult to write about a day where, literally, next to nothing happens. Last season, by this time, we'd already had the Beaner fight, scheming went on DAY AND NIGHT, Ronnie was runnning from group to group, My Friend Flicka was eating her oats and neighing trying to stay in the house, and I'd barely leave my spot to even get a potty break. I want that back! I want the delight, the excitement, the wonder. I want to bite my fists and say "Oh noooo she di-in't!". I want to be able to sit through an entire BBAD without either falling asleep or throwing shoes at the television. Alright, let's recap... I guess.

(My daily Kathy Faye "Laying Down" pic)

The HG's awake and Kathy Faye begins her daily workout. She walks outside to the couch, lights her cigarette, and she's done. It's amazing she barely even breaks a sweat. While sitting outside and aging herself about 15 years, Andrew comes out and does his "version" of a workout. He gets on the Elliptical and does things like move his arms and legs. Kathy Faye doesn't get it. I mean, seriously, why go through all the trouble? With nicotine oozing through her veins, Kathy tells Andrew that it's not fair for him to go on the block and that she and Kristen will do whatever they have to to keep him off. She tells him he has a lot more friends than he thinks and then she passes out with a lit cigarette in her yap.

Here's what bugs me about this: Why can't Andrew fight for himself? He's a grown man, a father, a doctor, yet he's got these blonde bimbesses having hour upon hour of conversations about him like he's a special needs case and has to have someone chop up his food for him. They say "Oh Andrew is so awkward", "He just doesn't know how to communicate.", "It's really not fair they pick on him." - if that doesn't sound like a Special Olympics participant than I don't know what does. Why all the coddling and pity? Let Andrew fight his own damn battles.

The POV Ceremony comes and goes and I guess whatever Kathy and was doing was working because Matt went up on the block instead. I'm really meh on Matt. I don't think he's cute, I have yet to see Mensa potential, he doesn't make me laugh, and he's not hating on anyone yet. I need hate. I need these bitches to actually feel an emotion other than "glad". Hey, I think I've just pinpointed what's missing in this house. Sure, Britney and Monet can bitch, but 2 out of 12 isn't nearly enough to get this party started. Everyone needs to stop being so fucking happy to be there and start aiming for the jugular.

So, the Plastics hear the POV news and how do you think they respond? They decide to nitpick and talk about all the STD's flying out of Rachel's vag. Yes, it's funny, but why isn't Monet fighting to stay? I'd rather watch Monet going person to person and making a case for herself. Calling Rachel a busted up hag isn't going to keep anyone in the house - no matter how much I agree with the assessment. When Annie went up on the block she cried for a little bit, threw a tantrum, then bitch got to work! For 4 days she didn't stop trying to save herself. I can respect that. I look back on it fondly. I kick holes in my walls wondering why the hell it didn't work!

What else, what else? Oh! Ummm I think Hyena Fuckface and Bitch Boy From Hell are getting closer to doing the nasty. They were well on their way to making something happen when BB actually came on the speaker and summoned Rachel to the DR. Come on, Big Brother! Get with the program! Rachel looks like a squealer and I'm almost positive Bitch Boy will cry afterwards. He's probably a cuddler too. Ewww. I'm more of a "Don't touch me", "Get the fuck out!" kind of gal. Last thing I want to do is talk about your stinky feelings or, worse yet, let you spend the night. No thanks! "Hit it and quit it" - tattooed on my ass.

This brings us to the late afternoon. Everyone is puttering about doing this and that. It's like an old folks home kind of. The house should really be called "Shady Pines". Sometimes they sit in the sun. Other times they eat soft easily digestible food, and, once in a while, they even get gassy. Yesterday was one of those whiles. Enzo was farting left and right and saying it smelled like wet puppies or some shit like that. I think Enzo's farts probably smell like Ass Licker's breath - hot, pungent, and will melt your face if you let it.

Later on Hyena Fuckface begins to talk about what she wants to do when she leaves Big Brother. If I had things my way, she'd leave within the next 5 minutes, but unfortunately I'm predicting she might stick around for another week or two. Oh my god... what if she stays for like another 4 weeks? Oh nooooo! Seriously, I don't know what I would do. I might have to find a bridge to leap off of or have my ear drums surgically removed. All I know is, if you think I'm bitchy now... just you wait and see exactly how evil I can get if Hyena Fuckface sticks around. Shit! Anyhow, I think her post BB plans were to hit the beach and get sushi. I think she even invited Kathy to stay out in California with her and Bitch Boy. Can you imagine touring L.A. with Hyena Fuckface? OMG I'd push her off the Universal trolley right into Jaws' mouth. Sure, it's a mechanical shark, but if I prayed hard enough, maybe an electrocution type thing would happen and the shark would malfunction and her boobs would get caught in all the it's wires. A girl can dream, can't she?

Then the assholes got stuck in the stocks again. I'm not sure how this works and it's really sad that I don't bother to look it up and find out. All I know is Hyena Fuckface's stockade is missing a very large ball gag. Everytime she's in that thing it's chat time! She never stops running her mouth for the entire hour... and this is where I begin to wonder if Bitch Boy is an amazing actor or just really really stupid. How, I repeat, HOW, can he stand to be around her? Either he's playacting the whole thing in an effort to be the next Jeff or he's a tremendous idiot. I'm thinking there's no in between. I refuse to believe that anyone on the planet would willingly spend time with this woman.

While the bitches were being punished, the couch crew got busy talking about all the money they'll make after the show is over. Ok, this really bugs me. Shouldn't they be focusing on the game and not eBay? Besides, no one really pays big bucks for any of their shit anyways. Didn't Ass Licker's yellow dress sell for like $33? What these assholes in the house need to remember is that you must be somewhat likable for people to want to buy your stuff. And, it's week 2 for crying out loud! Live in the now, not the later.

This brings us to BBAD. Ohhh the angry tweets I saw. I'm not kidding when I say people are pissed off at this season. Personally, I'm hoping the HG's are all just slow starters and eventually the fights and nonsense will begin. I mean, they have to. I will will it into fruition. I will go to my potion cabinet and mix up something super powerful. I refuse to listen to Enzo talk about his Slop Pastina for another minute. I want late night naked orgies with everyone making out in the pool. To this day, that night is still the best night in BB history. It was one of my least favorite casts, but those bitches knew how to party. Sure, half of them are in jail now, but who cares?! I was about done with them anyways.

Alright, that's all I got for today. So, do you want Matt or Monet to stay? Will Hyena Fuckface and Bitch Boy ever seal the deal? How long until Kathy Faye gets one of those throat box thingies like that old lady in Beetlejuice? Do you have faith this season will get better? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Wait. Is Paradise Hotel back on again? I heart that show. And I totally watched Paradise Hotel II. Gotta love crap tv.

    I didn't see the orgy and last year was the first time I watched BBAD but the night Chima and Russell blew up was pretty damn awesome. I popped popcorn and everything. That ish was good from beginning to end. I think there's potential Monet goes off on Giggles McGee before she's out. BB could plant some seeds and we could get an awesome epic fight.

  2. I hope this season will get better, but I'm about to give up. I can't take the laughs...the stupid comments by Brenda...Kristen's wonky eye is starting to get to me, which bugs me because I was really starting to like her. The only ones I can actually stand are Enzo, Matt, and Lane and it isn't like they do anything brilliant or anything...they just don't bug me. Now the rest of the cast makes me want to put a pantyhose on my head and climb a clocktower with a long rifle... they bore me to fucking tears and I want to shoot people because of it.

    On a side note Kathy is totally a younger version of Juno (old lady from Beetlejuice). She will totally be smoking when she has the big hole in her throat. I thought this last night while watching BBAD and I thought I would be along on this one, but I'm glad I'm not. lol

    Gret blog as usual...and really how can you not just love Matt? We really need to convert you to be a Matt lover! lol

  3. I didn't see much of BB yesterday. I've been staying up til 2am watching BBAD the past few nights (even though I have the feeds but it's hard to get to the computer these days) so last night I was dozing on the sofa...woke up around 11:15 and turned on BBAD, and the first thing I saw was Rachel and Brendon smooshy-facing each other in the HOH....cuddling, smooching, telling each other how sexy and amazing they are....I couldn't take it. I went to bed. I swear, if she stays for even 2 more weeks, I won't be watching much. I know they all wanna backdoor Brendon next week, but I really wish they'd take her out first. I think Brendon's enough of a pussy little bitch-boy that he won't be a problem after she's gone. I just can't take her any more. And I SERIOUSLY don't want to see her make it to the jury house. I don't want her getting any kind of validation that she's playing a good game. I want her fucking off IMMEDIATELY.

  4. Great blog. You totally nailed Brenda crying after if he and Boobzilla ever seal the deal. He is such a girl. Let's just pray those two never breed.

    I do have faith this season will get better. They have to start turning on each other. I predict the showmances will blow up and there will be much drama. It just has to get better.

  5. God, your right, this season is total shit. I mean seriously, the only "mean" thing is bitchney and monet tearing apart fuckface, and as funny as that is, i really wanna see some chima/russel esque action!

  6. Great Blog as usual! I usually don't care for the twists BB pulls, I like straight game play with no meddeling, but this cast needs it. Something, anything to snap them into being more interesting enough for me to keep watching, and I've been a die hard fan every season. B/R I can't even watch them at all, I vomit a little in my mouth when they kiss. Brittany winning HOH this week is our only hope.

  7. i read on another big brother blog that brenda sealed the deal yesterday morning around 10am? hmmmm...maybe they didn't.

  8. i agree with getting rach out before brenden he will be devasted and cry the whole time finally we will have something to watch Thanks for enduring the horrible house guests to write about em and give us some laughs

  9. I totally agree it has been a snooze fest lately. I'm hoping that Monet will stay just because it will make for some good Drama. But with Badda-bing I don't think that will happen. I don't know what has to happen for some serious drama to come into the house but I hope it happens soon! Until then Im still a BB lover...

  10. At least my marriage will survive another season of BB. My husband totally doesn't get the voyeur in me and absolutely HATES BBAD. I can't stand it either, right now. I truely believe that Rachel is with Brenden because she wants extra camera time. I think that is why she talks CONSTANTLY when she is in the stockade thing. All I know is, I was SOOOO excited for the season to start and now all I do is fast forward thru BBAD because it is boring, boring, boring and I skim over BB sites because nothing is ever going on. Might at well put "same thing as yesterday". I hope the BB "powers that be" understand how much B and R are hated and are trying to think of something that is going to save this season NOW.


  11. I'm sure the season will get slightly better in future weeks when it gets down to fewer people... but it won't get that much better. These people are just lame, boring and/or gross. I'd love to see Monet stay just to piss off Rachel... but there is no way in hell that will happen.

    I'm pretty 'meh' about Matt, too. I think they are all pretty cocky. And for what reason????

  12. According to some live updaters, they are sealing the deal again right now. Ewwww. Glad I do not have the feeds this season. Reading about it is enough punishment.

  13. Dear Big Brother,

    Where did you find the pod people for this year's cast?

    Bored Out of my Mind


  14. Wicked as usual, Collete...we LOVE it!

    THANK YOU for the Golden Girls reference!! :)


  15. No, Paradise Hotel isn't back. Wishful thinking on my part.

  16. Paradise Hotel was AWESOME and I watch it when it replays on FoxReality channel every now and then. I still can't believe that ho didn't share some of her money!

    Like I said a few days ago, I will resume watching BBAD after either Brenda or Skankel get the boot, otherwise I'll just follow you and onlinebigbrother to avoid the snoozefest.

    Please houseguests, give us something that resembles entertainment!

  17. seriously, if i hsve to watcdh rachel and brendon with their sloppy, kissy faces and their inane talk one more night, I will scream.

  18. Meghan,

    Thank you for being a friend.

  19. I'd like Monet to leave so I can see how Bitchney deals with it. Will she go off the deepend? I want her to be less sure of herself. But then Giggles has got to go up and out. I slightly liked B/R the first couple of days but now I get mad when the cameras are on them kissing and calling each other beautiful and amazing. I really hate them. How dare they assume that they are going to be America's favorite couple. (yes, couple we'd like to kill). I want to see how Bitch Boy freaks when he's on his own and no one can stand him. I don't think he realizes that he isn't Jeff.

    Thanks for the great blogs!!!


  20. this group looked like they were going to be a good cast, but each one of them seems like the retarded version of who you expected them to really be. some of them are acting like they're in detox or something, lounging for 20 hours a day. and what a group of disillusioned assholes. monet looks like some sort of missing link, and she's supposed to be a model? she's this not so cute girl with an ugly under bite who insists on ripping on other people's looks? plus, i honestly don't think mensa has ever even heard of matt, and enzo is like some wise guy wannabe with the worst intuition and hair plugs this side of fredo corleone. and everyone acts like he's got some supernatural insight because he has a jersey accent and people have seen way too much of the sopranos. at this point i'd like the twist to be that kristen is actually an assassin and she starts taking them out one by one, starting with the bimbo with the supposed science background and the 40 pounds of makeup on her swollen grill. if brendon wasn't gay going into this then i'm sure the constant exposure to giggles will have him sniffing guys' asses for the next 100 years. starting with hayden's weird ass. his voice is way too goofy and his hair is way too strange for his level of arrogance. at this point, the producers need to throw in a ringer to liven it up, and force kathy and monet out of their withdrawal-induced slumbers. i'd like to think it'll liven up on its own, but look at these losers!!! they're just not that interesting...

  21. and you know that loser enzo's whole reason for coming on the show was to get the world to call him meow-meow. notice how fast he had them all assigned nicknames? and ca-ca? this guy is using baby talk and trying to pass it off as some new lingo he's created. every time he refers to himself as this meow-meow i want to throw up through my tv onto that disaster area he calls the top of his head.

  22. Love your namea for Rachel and Brendan, Hyenna Fuckface and Bitch Boy from Hell fit them both perfectly. I like Matt but kind of hope Monet manages to stay this week, I'd love to see the "Brigade" get played and have their boy go. I want Rachel gone first cuz I agree with some comments above, Bitch Boy will totally fall apart and I'm sure will cry like a little girl! Don't have the feeds so I read the recaps and sounds like I'm not missing out all that much! Thanks for your amazing recaps, you always make me laugh!!

  23. Thanks for being the only place that makes me laugh out loud. Matt has to go and Britany has to win HOH - only so we can see Ronald McDonald's Bride start screaming, her pool boy start crying, chiseled twat's eyes roll back and stay put, and Kathy...oh I don't really give a black lung what that hag does.

    Watching Ronald's bride & pool boy anticpating the cameras coming by on the tracks last night while they were in the hammock, only to come to life and babble when they thought the camera was near really pissed me off. And did any of you see pool boy look straight at the camera and say "I would really like to do Dancing With The Stars!"?

    I don't care - bring Natalie back. Do something! Jannypanny

  24. Would someone please tell me why Hyena Fuckface has to rub/scratch..whatever the hell she's doing to Bitch Boy's head constantly? I'm waiting for his leg to start going in circles like my dog does when we rub her belly. Even last night he finally put his hat on to get her to stop.. i think. I just don't get how he wants to be around that all the time. Great acting?? And the award for the most outstanding douchiness goes to....

  25. Hyena Fuckface and Bitch Boy are so pathetic, they don't have enough brains between the two of them to get themselves out of a wet paper bag, much less be smart enough to win BB. The sooner those two losers go home the better off we all will be. At least we won't have to endure watching them suck face and hump each other all the time.

  26. For the BB stylists, get Rach some clothes that actually fit! All nt. she tugged on that top, looked down at her enormous chest, adjusting ad nauseum. She concentrates on her boobs as much as Baller did on his junk! Cut it out, it's beyond annoying!
    (And, Collette, whatever challenges you are going thru personally, I'm hoping they get resolved quickly and to your satisfaction.) We all think you're terrific.

  27. Wait. WAIT! I'm days behind and am reading through the blogs to catch up. Did you just call Laura "My Friend Flicka"? *Skips around room with glee*