Friday, July 23, 2010

The Rachel Reilly Defense

Hey Y'all. What's UP in the hizzie? I'm SO psyched to be like writing this BLOG today. SEriously, I literally like said to myself, "Colette LALA you get to write a blog. Aren't YOU so psyched?" Then I said to myself, "YES I'm psyched. OBVI!!!" It's like I'm RUMpleSTILtskin and let my hair down and you all climbed UP inside and was like "Hells yeah, THIS is awesome!" and I was like "Don't be MESSING up my weave and all that!" Heheheheheeeeeeee Oh my god, I'm soooooo funny! It's so AMAZING that you guys like show up every day. I'm like SO blessed. All my homies be bitches wit the itches. Get some on ointment on that shit y'all. LULZ But seriously, it's like I have a super fun time when I get to RITE about all these bitches yo. Girls be crying and boys be sighing. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fiyah! Majorly totes the place to be. It's so CRAAAAAAZY that's this is the place to BE. :) Thanks AMerica. It's SO good that you like push buttons and like whack whack whack whack tada! POW! I'm here at COlette Lala's super cool blog. Wooooooow.

*gun shot sounds in the distance*


Ok, she's dead. Let's recap, shall we?

Monet is gone, no one shed a tear (except Monet), and I sat at home mumbling chants to myself that the HOH comp goes my way. I built an altar and mixed some rosemary, garlic, and olive oil together. That's either the secret potion for Brendon losing or my recipe for an Italian salmon rub. I'm not sure, but I do know that only good things happen when those ingredients are mixed together so I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. It took about 15 minutes for the Feeds to return and when they did we discovered what we had known all along. Kathy Faye couldn't find a way to take a nap on her surfboard so the bitch is already out (thanks Angela). In addition, Lane, the silent killer who probably throws everything, is also out. Word of advice: if ever Kathy goes a day without her mascara and 18 naps and Lane says more than 100 words, you know the apocalypse is near and you should seek shelter.

On the sidelines of the comp, Dragon Lady looks for her smokes, Lane shrugs his shoulders, and Hyena Fuckface has now put on a cheerleading costume. Her cries are shrill and I broke my headphones hurling them against a wall. "Go Brendon! You can do it! Wooooohoooo! You got this!!! I'm here for you! You're doing SO awesome!!! Keep going. OMG You're the best!!!" I put a call in to my local gun shop, taped my headphones back together, and returned to the Feeds to find that not only has Kristen dropped, but so has Hayden. What in the sam hell is going on here?!

*It's at this point that I encounter my car drama. Twitter and Facebook followers know what I'm talking about. I arrive back home and I'm furious.*

Not long after that Britney falls, then Enzo - making Enzo the first Have-Not. The dipshits left on the surfboards focus and concentrate on the task at hand while Ragan seizes his opportunity to reprimand every bully in school who has ever fucked with him. Shut up Ragan. Last time I checked there wasn't a soapbox permanently attached to your feet. Britney interrupts him up by telling him his tip is slippery or something. Rachel begins to talk louder than Britney and shouts, "Oh my god Ragan! You look sooooo hot! All the boys at home are thinking how sexy you are!!!" Shut up. You stupid cunt.

Eventually, Bitch Boy Brendon falls and, let's face it, that's all I really cared about. It shuts Rachel up and the two begin to pout together.

Looking at them all sad and forlorn I began to get a tingle in my tummy. It was a tingle of happiness and hope. I felt my soul come alive again. I knew at that moment that fairies existed. One fluttered prettily and landed on the top right corner of my laptop. I gazed at her thinking how lovely she was. She had teeny tiny princess shoes and a garland of delicate lilies in her hair. She blew me kisses as her wings fluttered. I smiled and thought... "Life is good. I don't have to hate anymore." I named my fairy princess Arabella. She liked that name and patted my hand with her little itsy bitsy fingers. It was precious and priceless. I wanted to stay like that forever.

Then... I raised my palm as if to pet sweet Arabella and brought my hand down lightening quick smashing her into a pink gooey sticky mess. *sighs* I'm sorry. Rachel started talking to Brendon about how she told Chenbot love only comes once in a lifetime and I reacted on instinct. I will miss Arabella. She will always be a reminder to me of what could have been. Mostly because, I can't seem to get remnants of her little fairy skin out of the crevices of the keyboard. My 'K' button is all sparkly now.

Ok so eventually, we're left with just Ragan and Matt. The two immediately begin to scheme with Ragan telling Matt he wants him to be HOH. They talk about possibilities for nominations and, it turns out, Matt is hell bent on getting Kathy out of the house. He'll put up either Kathy or Rachel or Kathy and Brendon. It doesn't really matter. He just wants Kathy out. Ragan moans a bit about not wanting to look like an asshole to Rachel, but basically he's on board with getting the Dragon Lady out as well. Ragan suggests they bring certain people out to talk about nominations and I'm just thinking to myself "Why?". Why does every damn thing have to be workshopped and mulled over? Ragan would probably prefer to make sculptures of his feelings and write letters to dead relatives explaining the ins and outs of why and how he does what he does. Well, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of everything being a potential seminar for learning and understanding. Ragan's got that disease Rupert had last season on Survivor. Talk, explain, feel, open up, understand... What Ragan needs is a good Buddhist monastery experience where talking is forbidden and silence is golden. I'm on the phone to Tibet as we speak. I'll even pay for it. Anything to get him to shut the hell up.

And this is where the Feeds go down for what seems like an eternity. We don't get to see Ragan fall. We don't get to see the aftermath. We don't even get to see Rachel handing Matt the key. By the time Feeds return, Rachel is well on way into talking Matt to death. She's happy for him. She's so thankful she met Brendon. She doesn't understand what the sores on her face are from... yadda yadda yadda. It's neverending.

Matt pretty much tells Rachel point blank that everyone in the house wants her and her pussy boyfriend gone. Rachel is stunned. She's flabergasted. How in the world could anyone want the most perfect couple in the world out of the house?! I'll tell you how Rachel. When I walk by a pet store and see precious puppies in the window, I think of your face and I very systematically crush everyone one those puppies' skulls in with my bare hands. If I see a baby on it's daddy's shoulders and I hear your voice in my head, I grab the baby and smash it on the ground. You make me want to do vile and horrible things Rachel. I'm sitting here with no toenails, one eye, half my hair yanked out, and Satanic symbols carved into my skin. When you speak, I want to die. It's as simple as that. Your voice, your laugh, your tears make the world not want to turn anymore. It's permanently noon here now because of you. It's hotter than fuck outside, my car is being a total bitch, and I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

Great, now I'm crying. God, she makes me so angry. I now know how women snap and kill their husbands or abandon their children. They heard Rachel speak. Susan Smith, Pamela Smart, Aileen Wuornos, Elizabeth Bathory, Lizzie Borden... they were normal well-adjusted women who just happened to bump into Rachel Reilly on the street. They got one whiff of her and went on to commit horribly heinous crimes. Lawyers will start to use the Rachel Reilly defense in court. If the bitch doth shrill, then the women must kill

Matt and Rachel continue their little convo. Matt is trying to talk game, but Rachel keeps steering the conversation back to her and Brendon. Matt is literally telling her how she can stay in the game if she agrees to send Kathy home and Rachel is interrupting saying moronic things like, "People really want me and my man to leave? Whyyyyy?"

After her meeting with Matt, Rachel shuffles into where Kristen is lying down. She's crying and saying she refuses to kiss Matt's ass which is such a total lie because she just got done telling him how great he is and how happy she is for him. Anyhow, the HG's get a liquor delivery and Rachel wants her red wine. Oh, did I forgot to mention that just minutes before she was saying "I can't eat. I can't drink. I think I'm getting an ulcer. Me, me, me, I, I, I..."? Even though her love is paralyzing her ability to eat and drink, bitch wants to get drunk, only... wait for it... BB won't let her! LOL It's so perfect, it's divine. BB needs to do a DR with Rachel and they know when she gets going on that red wine that she's more insufferable than usual so they tell her she can't drink and this makes her cry... more. Alright, to be fair, I'd probably cry too if someone told me I couldn't drink. Then again, I'm not an asshole like Rachel so it's perfectly ok for me to sob and weep, but it's not ok for Rachel.

Later on Matt gets his HOH and I missed it cuz I was busy having nightmares about red headed crazy women trying to kill me. Please visit for photos of the event.

I'm gonna end this here. Again, my apologies for phoning it in. I'm going through some stuff right now that's unfortunately affecting my blogging. I assure you it's almost done with and hopefully *fingers crossed* all will be back to normal here shortly.

So, are you happy Matt won HOH? Do you think Matt is telling the truth about wanting Kathy out? What violent crimes has Rachel made you commit? Are Hayden and Kristen going to start backing away from Brenchel? Will Kathy regret her moronic vote last night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. You crack me up - I was wondering what was going on with Rachel's face - I felt totally catty thinking that. Maybe that Britney is rubbing off on me!

    Speaking of Britney - how funny was her goodbye to Monet? She hates Rachel so I love her. Seriously, I have to wait to start BBAD so I can fast forward through her and Brenden smooching. Ugh. She's so self righteous and annoying. I want her GONE.

    Oh and never ever ever start your blog that way. You made me have flashbacks. Now I'm all jumpy.

    Hope your car and all the personal stuff get resolved!

  2. I think I just peed a little bit reading your opening paragraph. You hit that nail on the head!

    Great blog as usual!

    I am happy Matt won HOH. Maybe he can stir some shit up this week and knock Queen Bee off her high horse.

  3. OK! So now it's finally going to get good. See...and you were all just going to give up...

  4. "You make me want to do vile and horrible things Rachel. I'm sitting here with no toenails, one eye, half my hair yanked out, and Satanic symbols carved into my skin."

    You made me almost choke on an m&m with that one.

    Matt winning HOH was really best case scenario in my opinion. I really feel that Hayden and Lane threw it. I like Lane and Enzo, but the other 3 members of Badda-Bing seem perfectly content to sit back and let Matt do all the work and take all the heat. B&R (don't even wanna type their names anymore) already know Matt's coming after them so he has nothing to lose.

    I really feel like Matt is blowing smoke up Ragan's ass with the whole wanting Kathy out story. I think he's just telling Ragan that to ease him into the idea of getting out Brendon or Rachel. I don't think Kathy is is target this week. Last I heard, the plan was to backdoor Brendon. (Fingers crossed, because I don't like that plan. I can just see Rachel pulling "Houseguest's choice" out of the bag on POV day, then pretending it's a tough decision like it's cute again.)

    And my sympathies for Arabella. But really, she should have known better that to flitter around you while Big Brother is on.

  5. Ok, i'm going to be honest. When i heard that Matt won, I was not happy. I really wanted to feel that team BRENCHEL was safe, but damn, i have to live on the edge this week. It's okie though if Brendon or Rachel get sent packing this week, i'm sure AMERICA will vote one of them back in the house right? Isn't that the word --the last 2 voted out are in sequester and SOMEONE will be back! If Brendon or rachel get evicted this week, AMRERICA will vote them back for sure. I mean why wouldn't they? They are the most perfect couple in the world! Plus they are like so hot and smart. Hot scientists! I love it. ;)

  6. I question Vic's sanity...

    I wanted Britney to win HoH. She wouldn't have worried about the politics as much as Matt. She would have just put the bitch on the block.

  7. hilarious blog lala. with the way she acts i'm starting to think rachel has never had a boyfriend before. well, one that didn't leave money on the bedside table as he scurried out the door. btw, webster called, and they want to use this relationship as the definition of insufferable.

    you rule colette.

  8. Just started reading your blog last week. Hilarious!
    I've never watched BB before this season. And I can already tell None of these people know what the hell they're doing. Voting Annie off instead of Rachel was a screw up of colossal proportions. The brigade or whatever have no clue what they're doing. (Am I the only one that wants to scream at the tv "you're basically calling yourself a p***y!" every time Enzo calls himself the meow meow?)And Lane's hillbilly ass "I don't even know what a brigade is". I have no hope that any of them are going to do the smart thing.Matt will probably put someone up against Rachel (or Brendon) that everybody will vote to evict and then they'll bitch another week that Rachel and Brendon need to go.
    I think the only reason I am still watching is because it boggles my mind how they can totally f*ck themselves every week and then be upset with the outcome.
    As for Rachel...can't stand her. I'm sorry, but, if someone is a chemist...why the hell are they waitressing or stripping or whatever it is that she does in Vegas? Both her and Brendon and whole "relationship" are so fake it's nauseating.

  9. Even when you "phone it in", It is GREAT!!!
    I am not only addicted to Big Brother, but just like last year I AM ADDICTED TO YOUR BLOG!

    ps. Loved Britchney's good-bye to Monet, she is slowly growing on me!

  10. I had a feeling you were joking or being sarcastic last time you left a comment, Vic....and now I'm sure of it. Because there's no way that anyone would think that America would vote back in Rachel or Brendon.

  11. Great blog. Yes i am glad Mattlock won and i also want Smoke the Bear out the door but backdooring Brachel (that will be an extra 20 buddy for the rear entrance) is ok too. Any of the three is a relief. Still best is boobsie first then Hydral and then we get the Kristen/ Brandon baby line which would be so sweet. Well we need some action so we should have lots of tears for the week from everyone but my sweet non-red eyed Britty. Maybe beenie boi can win the next week and those red eyes can return. Keep up the good work cooleo and hope your car is all better, sprinkle some fairy dust from the cremation on it and it will run just like Regan's mouth.

  12. Thank you, sadly I'm the only one insane enough to watch this, so have nobody to discuss this train wreck with. I agree wholeheartedly and appreciate the effort you put forth and the insight you so eloquently deliver! I hope Matt doesn't over complicate this...he better get rid of the cause of everything bad in the world, Rachhell. The female Boomhauer (although not as cool nor easy to understand) can wait, and it will be a pleasure to watch Brenda stumble around the house trying to be liked.. I hope you get the news you want.

  13. Regan is beginning to get on my nerves big time, what a whiny, sniffling piece of shit. He talks like he is higher than thou, and sassays his ass around like the Queen he is.

  14. Yes! All caught up! Now, Seems to me that Kathy will be riding the noms along with either Brendan or Rachel. With the other being a replacement should the POV go a bad way. I'm burning a picture of Jeff and Jordan and praying to The Scarfed One to make it come true.

  15. Rachel's whole "me and my man" routine? Makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a dull and rusty knife.

  16. Great first paragraph Ms. Lala except for the fact that you can't help but being way more intelligent (being the amazing writer that you are) that you couldn't even let go of correct punctuation by using quotation marks and everything else the right way..which the idiotic moron couldn't even do during her HOH "rain." How in the hell could she get through college writing like that??? It was so damn hard trying to read that thing and not even quite sure why I did but then when I finally got down to the last part (along with almost my last remaining brain cells) she writes how cccceeeerrrzzzyyyy this all is. Huh??? the word "crazy" couldn't even survive this total annihilation of the English language. Anyway as much fun it is reaming this insufferable (great word thanks!) and poor example of all the real scientists/chemists around, I sure do hope your issues you're dealing with now end the way you want them and they go away fast! You deserve only fun, vodka (or tequila), fairies,leprechauns and glitter. Btw if your blog today is what you call phoning it in.. uh ok if you say so but was definitely not below the standard of greatness it usually is. (Not kissing ass.. just the truth) One favor, please do your salmon rub magic potion so we can STOP hearing Brenda slurp/kiss/whatever the hell that is all over Hyena. Last night on BBAD was so horrid to listen to. Thank god for fast forward. And now a moment of silence to honor Arabella.....

    I'm not joking, I think America WOULD vote either Rachel or Brendon back in just for the drama. I would! But they are both playing for the POV tommrow so good luck to them! I really do love them...I don't know why. Maybe because they are delusional...they are all delusional this year!
    I'm even starting to like Britney more...and even meow meow..who i hated at first.

  18. OK I think Britney is your twin sister or something. OMG! Love her!! Either that or you are finding a way to blog from INSIDE the house...

  19. okay so i wanna choke rachel with her nasty little mermaid extensions. i would love for brendon to b like oh...i was using you, stupid whore. and as for matt, hes a terrible person and i think the next two who need to go are rachel and matt. enzo frustrates me too...oh and captin kosher. go brittney :)))

  20. I dunno why everyone is after rachel and brendon. They never even started anything but everyone started targetting them when they started a showmance. I think they r both so cute. Rachel is soft hearted. I like her. Britney is too childish. Hayden and kristen are just pathetic blondes. Kathy should act more like her age. Matt is not smart at all. Ragan, enzo and lane should take part in the drama. lool. Rachel I hope you or brendon win. :D

  21. Yea MATT wont HOH.....Dont cry u will be going home soon!!

  22. This site is the best. You were perfect. My Rachael headache is going away now. Roachale can now move up to porn films with her red extentions and brown hair and Beanieboy bren can get some pull up diapers. What a weenie. No wonder they call him needle dick. He has a degree? I know she does. Porno for your professor gets you anything passing. Britney bitch is getting good practice. At least you are winning competitions. Ragan??? What??? Guru??? Lane is a do nothing. Matt how do you live with yourself. When your wife gets sick you will regret.... Something. No you will put your hands in your pants and play. eeeeewwwwwwwww

  23. Ewwy gooey cookies! I hate that nasty bitch! Seriously... She is a prime example of the downfall of our society.

  24. Roachel is the nastiest most horrible annoying slut ever to be on BB. Her voice alone makes people want to puke.