Thursday, July 29, 2010

Don't You Touch My Piggies!

Dear Allison Grodner,

I don't care for you. I think you're delusional and possibly in need of medication. Every year your twists pretty much suck ass and every year you force HG's down our throat with inaccurate CBS editing. Last night you went overboard. Editing Lane to look like a moronic hillbilly while simulataneously making Brenchel look somewhat normal pushes the boundaries of good taste. And, for the love of god, do NOT bring Jeff back. I realize he makes you wet and all gooey inside, but enough already! He's a moron with an annoying accent who's really not all that good looking when you stop and think about it. Furthermore, the handling of the Feeds this year is beyond atrocious. Technical problems aside, 4 cameras on someone eating (loudly and grotesquely) is ridiculous. Scheming being cut short so I can see a nauseating redhead on an elliptical is nonsensical. Please retire and leave the show to someone with taste - and take Robyn Kass with you.

Love and other indoor sports,
Colette Lala

The day began with a frustrated man-child in a little hat yelling at some half naked women. Yup, Andrew's angry and, for some reason, he can't hold it in. Kristen and Kathy were in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Kathy was about to step into the shower and Kristen was either brushing her teeth or blowdrying her hair. In walks goofy awkward "worst eater of the year" Andrew. He marches up to the girls and begins shouting "Stop playing me like a fiddle!". Look, Fiddler On The Roof, no one's playing you like a fiddle so just pipe down. Kristen is shocked and says, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Andrew, wide-eyed and crazy, huffs, stomps his feet, then turns around and walks out. Kristen mutters that he better talk to her like a normal person from now on or she might shift into a grizzly bear and show him what's what.

A few minutes later Captain Douchebag is at it again. He finds Kristen in the bedroom and begins to scream at her for not consoling him. Andrew's big beef (with no cheese on it mind you) is that Kristen has been spending time all week with Kathy. He actually says, "I want to be comforted!". Kristen shouts back, "You're digging your own grave!" Andrew retorts, "You're digging YOUR own grave!" Aaaaaand scene!

Was it good for you? Yeah, I dug it too. It was great to see Kristen shake her calm exterior and really let loose. Unfortunately, the whole shouting match was cut incredibly short by that nosy overly jealous bitch Rachel when she walked in naked and wrapped in a towel. The other HG's at least had the decency to stay back and eavesdrop outside the door like any normal person would, but Rachel knows a good clip opportunity when she sees one. She's no dummy. Fights get aired on CBS and what does Cunty McCunterson want more than anythng else in life? Attention and air time. Worse still, the only part of the fight Rachel really caught was Kristen saying, "You're digging your own grave." so of course she interprets it as Kristen threatening death. Outside the bedroom Matt, who's slightly douchey yet much more open-minded than Rachel, tells Ragan and Britney, "Andrew digs his own grave everytime he speaks." Ahhh I see someone has finally had a change of heart. Welcome Matt. The sane world is a fun place to be. Please take a brochure and have a look around. You're a little late to the party (no sane person would let Brenchel be safe), but you're welcome to some refreshments and appetizers. We hope your stay is a pleasant and comfortable one.

So after all the excitement everyone begins approaching Kristen wondering what the hell just happened. She recaps the story accurately and says that Andrew was upset because he thought that she was only consoling and comforting Kathy. In fact, Kathy was the one who sought out Kristen not the other way around. Kristen was open to talking to anybody all week long. It's not her fucking fault Andrew hides away by himself doing god knows what.

Speaking of hiding all by himself, that's exactly what Andrew did after attacking Kristen. He shuffled back to his little Have-Not room and began to cry like the little bitch he is. A grown man, a father, a doctor runs and hides so he can cry over a 20-something girl not consoling him. Go back and reread that sentence again. I want the full weight of it to really hit you. I'm sorry, but if I ever happen to be in Miami and a foot problem arises, Dr. Andrew Gordon is the last fucking man I'm letting lay his hands on my little piggies. Worse still, he turns to his Bible for comfort. Maybe he's looking for the Leviticus passage that says, "Thou shalt throw baby tantrums and cry for hours." Who knows?

As if Andrew wasn't bad enough, we're now treated to Ragan putting on airs and making the "necessary" visits to everyone letting them know that he's going to vote for Andrew to leave. He doesn't just say, "Look bitches, I'm keeping Kathy. Deal with it." No. He launches into a speech about good and evil, spirit, sanctity, equity, something about the truth setting you free, and he may or not have quoted Lincoln at some point. I don't know. It was ridiculous and I don't really have time to go through it all. In a nutshell, Ragan told Brenchel, Andrew, and Matt that Andrew said something snarky about the Have-Not's which was a clear indicator to him that Andrew's character was tainting the spiritual equity of the house so now he's voting him out. Whatever. I hope you get laringitis Ragan.

This brings us to the juicy part. OK so Andrew is still crying and Brendon sneaks in and tells Andrew that he needs to fight to stay. Andrew says that on Thursday he's gonna make a speech that'll shock everyone and leave Brenchel in good standing. Brendon isn't too thrilled with the idea of Andrew making another one of his speeches so he advises Andrew to hold a "house meeting" to apologize to everyone. Andrew starts to weep again saying that apologizing won't help. They begin stealth whispering and it was really hard to hear, but I think I heard Brendon telling Andrew to tell Lane that he's after Brenchel. Brendon was also saying something about how the votes may go and I heard Andrew say, "Are you serious? Are you really that clueless?" That kind of made me laugh.

In the end, there was a lot of blubbering on Andrew's end and hot air on Brendon's. Andrew actually agreed to do the "house meeting" plan and, at home, we all got super excited for some fireworks. Miraculously, Andrew managed to sop up his tears and go outside for a breath of fresh air. He begins to talk to Enzo and he mentions the "house meeting" he wants to have. Enzo sighs and tells him that he can't blow up on people like he's been doing. He's on the block! He needs to watch himself. Andrew blames stress and the slop diet for why he's so douchetastic this week.

Then, we waited.
And waited.
And waited.

While we waited, Andrew started to cry again. Oh for fuck's sake, he cries more than I did when I found out Jeff was going to be visiting the BB12 house for a night. I just can't escape that guy. So yeah, Andrew is now doing that loud, snorty, hiccup like crying thing and Brendon sneaks in to console him... again. Brendon starts talking about Andrew's daughter and how he needs to stay in the game and it's so not helping cuz Andrew is only crying harder. Brendon tells Andrew how genuine he is and, for a second, I thought they were gonna make out or something. I think it might have been the only time I actually wished Rachel would have entered the room. She's still not too keen on Andrew and it drives her nuts that Brendon has little secret plans with him.

After hours of waiting, the house meeting finally happened. Of course, I missed it, but those sassy bitches over at informed me that it was like 3 minutes long and all Andrew did was cry and apologize to Kristen, Brendon, and Rachel.

Unfortunately, this is where I leave you today. I have some personal stuff to take care of today that sucks so much more than you could ever imagine. I'd much rather sit here and write for you assholes. The good news is all these interruptions I'm having will soon be over. I don't know if I'll be able to blog tomorrow. I'll be gone most of today and into tonight, but I'll try my best. Perhaps I can cover the HOH room reveal.

So, who do you bitches want to go home tonight? Who do you absolutely do NOT want to win HOH? Would you ever trust your feet to a crying baby like Andrew? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. OK. It is now official. This blog is more entertaining and informative than the actual show. I no longer need to watch Big Brother. I even fell asleep during last nights snoozefest.

    No "old" jokes, Creme.

  2. Andrew will, of course, be joining the others in sequester. Maybe. AG has promised something will happen night (finally!), so maybe he'll be around to cry another day. The surprise could also be that there is, in fact, another Saboteur: Grodner herself, who's mission is to screw this season of BB.

    I do not want either Satan's Couple to win HoH. If it's a crying and groveling comp, though, I'm afraid nobody will stand a chance against Brendon.

    Good luck with your stuff, Lala. Hope you're around tomorrow. At least to take your turn at Word.

  3. I think everyone's in agreement that Andrew has to go. I want Kathy to stay ONLY for the simple reason that she's said repeatedly that she wants to break up Bre--I can't say it without puking.

    Wouldn't it be funny if we kept up the trend of the person who is on the block and is not evicted winning HOH? It's happened two weeks in a row now, first Rachel, then Matt. I can see Kathy winning if it's some kind of Q&A comp. Or something that requires everyone to stay horizontal for extended periods of time.

    I want to see anyone but Brendon, Rachel, or Ragan win. (And sadly, Britney. I think she'll vote them out, but won't nominate them.) We have to see Brendon and Rachel separated BEFORE jury house.

    By the way, I loved your opening letter to AG. I've been wondering who the proper entity is to whom a complaint should be forwarded. I guess it would be CBS? Honestly, I get REALLY bored with reading tweet after tweet about how much the feeds suck this year. I agree it's bullshit to have 4 cameras on one room with one person brushing their teeth while the rest of the house is outside, but Twitter's not going to do anything to help. Either complain to the right person (and if enough of us do, something should be done about it) or stop watching and shut up. (I'm not talking to you, Lala, I'm talking to the people who tweet 10 times an hour about the feeds sucking.)

    And Jeff...well, whatever it takes to liven things up, I'm all for it. I'd even be open to Ragamuffin coming back for a day, if only to see how Matt reacts.

  4. Hey CoLa hope your per. bus. goes well today cause i need you sooooo bad tomorrow. U always help me read this crazy world of BB. I so agree with you as to the production/direction this year it sucks slop. As was said by someone yesterday Boobsie understands the game so much better than Brandong. He is clueless and game dumb. I want him gone asap even more than her and that hurts to say, trust me she is fingernail on the chalkboard. Don't get Andrew at all, he was like a 7-2 vote to stay at least and he has worked it into a dog fight and may have bitten his way off the slop and the game with his craziness and has me wantin to kicken his assen offen the showen instead of minen's least favoritie housie guestie missy katty. He's made her look good. These people are just the worse BB HG ever. This blog keeps me watching the show so i can keep up with the blog. I did love the bath scene with the two cats licking themselves clean and dreaming of the next little Kristen bird they can claw to death. Well one of them was thinking that the other was trying to figure out how to get the residue off her body after B'ach got out of the the tube. Lets get this thing moving. Maybe A'off will go'off and start some action other than just getting himself removed from the game, i dont care any more just come back to us as soon as you can CoLa baby, miss you already. And Jeff will be fast forwarded through my DVR, can't even stand looking at D'wad for a second. Kisses baby.

  5. BTW Quote Man...I wasn't gonna make an old joke. Honestly, I didn't think you even stayed up late enough to watch the show. You saw some of it? Well done!

  6. I just... I was gone for most of the day then slept till 8pm and missed the show (and still havent replayed it in my DVR... I just dont care), but woke up to find Ragan grilling Brendon about why he is voting to keep Andrew and campaigning for him, then saying that he WOULD put up B if he won HOH. So, thats something. But I dont know that I could hndle the sanctimonious nonstop lecturing of each and every HG on each and every move and second of the day.

    I never thought I'd long for the days of BB10, but I rarely, if ever missed a day or BBAD. even when it was Dan & Memphis left in the house, they still played games and had fun. These guys are AWFUL.

  7. bon courage. thanks for the blog. always a great read.

  8. Good luck with whatever is going on. I hope it gets resolved!

    I was super bummed we only got one DR from Brit last night. That girl's DR sessions are the one reason I love her. I hope BB will ramp back the DR of the yellers (Hayden and Rach) and up the Brit. The show is much better with snark from Brit. Interestingly, Rachel's DR sessions are the main reason I hate her. She's so obnoxious in them (And what is up with Kristen? Does she ever make a DR session? We hardly see her.)

    Andrew needs to stop with the ugly cry - reminds me of when Ronnie lost it after the infamous "chest bump" from the scarfed one. Actually that was funny. Bring on the male ugly cry!

    I hope this so called twist is good. Is it just me or is the twist each year just some variation of America's Player? It's getting old. It would be awesome if America could vote someone back in and then that person was immune from eviction for a week. Or how about they have an rebound week, where whoever they vote out comes back after the veto comp with immunity. Something that totally screws with the HG would spice it up. These iterations of America's Player are played out.

  9. BB12 has to go! I have never been so bored with this show and CBS is trying to make us believe they have an intelligent group of people this year? OMG give me a break! Beak nose Rachel must Go maybe someone can throw some bird seed outside and hurl her out that door! I can't take her and her whining ass boyfriend anymore! The HG are the worst!!

  10. I think we should start a letter writing campaign or do something like when the fans of Jericho sent nuts to CBS to save the show. BB needs a new Exec Producer very badly..she can't cast for shit and the edits are horrible. She's Exec Producer for BBAD as well and it sucks as well... I don't even watch it anymore. I just check Twitter to see if anything's happening and of course it never is so I watch something else and go to bed early. It's just soooo boooorrriiinnnnggg and I can't take Rachel AT ALL. I'm about to even give up all together if they don't stop with the bad edits and Matt doesn't stop being a cocky ass in his DR sessions.

  11. I don't care if Kathy or Andrew go. But Kathy really bugs me. She was all up Monet's ass until Rachel won HoH then she was all up Rachel's ass. Until Rachel lost power. Now she's all up Kristen's ass. Which wouldn't bother me, because it's part of the game... but then she has to incessantly ramble on about how moral she is. How she would never change who she is for the game. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Go home.

    I like Britney. She's about the only one I do like. She is the devil. I would love to see her win HoH and see how the power goes to her head... how much more evil she would get?? But she's already said she would throw the HoH because she doesn't want to put up B&R. But she doesn't want the whole house mad at her either. Boring.

    Ragan is by far the most annoying motherfucker ever. Besides B&R. He says he wants to get rid of B&R now because they are lying about their alliance with Andrew... but also because they want to get out 'good' players like Kristen. Of course you want to get out good players. That makes it easier to win. A game. Because this is a game. You realize that right, Ragan? It's a game. This is not the police academy. You and Kathy are not the sheriff and deputy of the morality police. You're just idiotic hypocrits that like to hear themselves speak.

  12. Andrew just had his meltdown. WOW!

  13. I typically try and stay away from saying cliche things like OMG and FML, but OMG, FML Rachel is worse then a damn coakroach. In a nuclear holocaust nothing would be left on this earth but her and the coackroaches. Something tells me that they would commit sucide because she want to tell them about her "man" and how they were the real deal. It seems no matter how many people try and squish her and spray she refuse to die or worse yet even be fazed. She just doesn't understand how anyone could dislike her. How can she even stand to hang out with herself? I hope she gets the bill im sending her for a new phone beacause when she won HOH, I attempt to throw at the t.v. and hit her in the middle of her broke out forehead, thank god I throw like a girl and missed the televison, but now I have a broken phone and it's all her fault.FML and the next two weeks at least that we are stuck with her and that stupid laugh.

  14. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

    Hate much?

  15. And here I thought I was being way too nice this season. Thanks anonymous! You've just buttered my muffin.

  16. i feel sorry for u lala,,,no one loves you,,because you are an ugly bitch,,, u bitch about other people like you're so great,,,
    FUCK U...


  17. last anonymous poster.... don't troll then. Oh wait... are you with CBS?

    That explains it all!