Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Worst Person On The Planet


She awoke with a grumble. It had been another long night working the floor at the Stardust Hotel. She leaned over the side of the bed, coughed up something with some body to it, and spit it into an old pair of crusty panties. Waking up was never easy for Rachel. The sweaty Efficiency she lived in let the light stream through the windows much earlier than she would have liked. Mrs. Bunton's cat upstairs was always squealing and the couple next door spent yet another night hooting and hollering at a tractor pull on the TV. She'd gotten shmammered at work again which didn't please her boss, but always paid off in spades in tips. Lying on the dirty futon she willed herself to get up and begin the laborious 5 hour process of making herself presentable. There were hairs to pluck out of moles, giant whiteheads to pop, pony extensions to comb out, and fake nails to apply. The morning was the time of the day she dreaded the most. She knew the second her feet hit the floor, she'd hear that familiar scurry of cockroaches running to their hiding places. If only she could find a man to rescue her, a knight in shining armor if you will. He'd have to be tall, fit, and rich, of course. He better not make her sign a pre-nup though. Women who sign pre-nups are idiots and she didn't go to community college to be 3 credits shy of a Chemistry degree to be called an idiot! Let's recap, shall we?


I hate Rachel Reilly. I hate her with every fiber of my being. She speaks and my insides tremble in fear. She laughs and I can feel bile creep it's way up my throat. She pouts and my pet unicorn impales himself with his own horn. She's the second most vile creature on the planet. (The first is Ass Licker - Ass Licker will always be first.) It's work to watch her on a daily basis and I've begun to develop several strange and intolerable ticks as a result. My neck involuntarily spasms, my eyes blink and twitch a lot, and I mutter the phrase "Stop it... just stop it!" over and over again to no one but myself. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that, at some point, Rachel will discover that millions upon millions of people despise her. Maybe she'll even read this blog one day. Who knows? Just in case she does, I want her to know in painstaking detail exactly how repugnant I find her to be. In fact, it'll be my mission to clue her in. It'll be difficult and there will be pain, but I'll do it. On behalf of you, my lovely and slightly perverted readers, I will do it. *sigh* I feel like Joan of Arc preparing for battle or Billie Jean trying to get Christian Slater's money back for the scooter. Fair is fair bitches... fair is fair!


The day began very slowly yesterday. Lots of random chitchat about movies and whatnot. Britney muses that Russell's behavior to Ronnie wouldn't be tolerated in the house this season. I agree with her and therein lies the problem. The big stinky problem that's ruining Big Brother 12 on a daily basis. Political correctness and the paranoia it incites runs rampant in this house and I've had just about enough of it. This idea of always doing the right thing or picking the correct approach is systematically ruining a show I so dearly love. No one yells, no one expresses themselves - individuality is stifled. I want my Big Brother house to be more like a mental institution where the walls themselves, although they keep a person locked in, grant permission for the most honest and free expression of behavior. Instead, we're tortured with incessant conversations about feelings and understanding. Throw caution to the wind, assholes, and get down and dirty. For the love of god... I beg you.




I ask for crazy and I'm given Brenchel. While it's close, it's not exactly the crazy I'm looking for. Anyhow, Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are lying down together having the first of many little tiffs that will plague us throughout the day. Rachel, that incessant bird beaked fun sucker, is still mad that Brendon trusts Andrew. Brendon tries to appease her, but his ruffled panties and pacifier are getting in the way. Rachel's mind is set - she does not trust Andrew and nothing, not even a George Michael impression, will change her mind. Brendon tries to no avail to convince Rachel that Andrew threw the POV for him the other day. In fact, Brendon is so convinced he threw it that he'll go ahead and throw HOH to Andrew next week. Hold up Shirley Temple! Aren't you the same guy who bitches every week about people throwing comps? I thought so. Go back to your corner and make your macaroni art. I've had just about enough of you.


The discussion then turns to Kristen. Fair haired banging bodied Kristen who'd never hurt a fly unless, of course, it was her day to be a frog. Rachel is pea green with jealousy over Kristen. Kristen didn't systematically stage a showmance yet one fell naturally into her lap. Kristen doesn't have to be phony and laugh like a hyena for attention yet all the boys like her. Kristen speaks with a soft valley girl voice and people pay attention. She doesn't need to cackle and flare her nostrils while getting red wine intravenously pumped into her veins. Kristen is everything Rachel is not and it's drives Rachel batshit crazy. Rachel spends hours upon hours thinking up ways to hate Kristen. The jealousy she feels is like a flesh eating virus slowly eating away at her skin. Kristen's never really done anything heinous or gross so Rachel is forced to invent reasons to hate her. Rachel says that Kristen cut the boys hair on purpose. That was her way of getting in good with them. Umm you stupid duck lipped cunt, Kristen cut the boys hair cuz YOU fucked it up last time. The boys already liked her! She's a nice girl who doesn't have to flaunt and create drama to get attention yet Rachel is convinced that Kristen wants to be the only girl left in the house before she turns her evil nonexistent rage on all the boys.


Jealousy, to a person like Rachel who craves all the attention for herself, will make a person do evil and wicked things - things like spreading malicious lies. Rachel is already hard at work planting seeds in the rest of the HG's minds that Kristen is up to no good. She "accidentally" let it slip to Hayden that Kristen said she could control him. *pause* God, I hate that. If only Rachel knew how ugly this envy is making her. Kristen never said any such thing about Hayden and nor would she. Control over people is so completely out of character for someone like Kristen whereas Rachel salivates and writhes in ecstasy over control. Just look at her little Bitch Boy boyfriend. If she's not controlling his every thought and desire, she's throwing tantrums and pouting in a corner.


So while Rachel has set her sights on destroying Kristen, Brendon is more focused on Andrew and the love he feels for him. He tells Rachel that Andrew will publicly apologize to both of them for the speech he gave and then he'll hang out with Enzo and his crew and report back all he's discovered to Brenchel. Really? Why don't I ever see Brendon and Andrew having these pow wows? Is this what's going in another room when all 4 feeds are showing me Lane playing pool or Ragan whining about baby food? When I stop to think about it, sometimes the feeds will go 8 hrs without showing certain individuals. I sure hope we're not missing pertinent discussions and important game play. I don't know who's running the feeds this year, but that person needs to be fired and never allowed to work in television again. I swear they left it up to a stoned intern who's busy scraping his bowl and sneaking out back for a smoke rather than following the action in the house.



Speaking of Andrew, apparently he told Britney that Kathy was gunning for her. Britney, in turn, told Kathy and now Kathy is pissed. She spent most of the day telling everyone what Andrew said and how it's a complete and total lie. Up in the HOH she told Matt she couldn't believe Andrew would do such a thing. They promised not to play like that. Matt tells Kathy that if the vote comes to a tie, he'll vote to keep Kathy. I have no idea is this is true or not. I can't tell anymore with Matt. He's playing so many damn sides of the house that it's impossible to uncover what his true intentions are. To Kathy, he's appearing very anti-Andrew and all things Brenchel. He tells Kathy that he's sure Andrew is working with Brenchel and asks her if Brenchel is on her radar at all. Kathy says without a doubt she's on the warpath to get rid of them. If she wins HOH, they're both going up and one is definitely going home. Sounds good to me!




Hayden and Kristen share a brief moment in the bedroom where Kristen reveals that she likes to wear sunglasses all the time so she can feign sleep and carefully watch other HG's without them knowing about it. Hayden laughs, leans in to give her a peck on the lips, and Kristen says, "Is that all I get?" Hayden nods his shaggy mane and heads to the door. Now, these two are cute. They're normal, they're not trying to shove their showmance down our throats, and they don't make me want to barf up a lung. I'm not gonna be some psycho fan who obsesses over these BB romances though. If they hit it off, great. If they don't, oh well. No biggie.


Now I'm gonna fast forward to the big show that happened in the early evening. Brendon made some comment about wanting a pre-nup and Rachel completely lost her shit. First off Bitch Boy, pre-nups are for people with money not swim coaches who want to be physicists. You wanting a pre-nup is like when George Costanza wanted a pre-nup in that episode of Seinfeld. His fiance laughed in his face and said, "You don't have any money! Sure, I'll sign it. Get me the papers." Secondly, you've known Rachel for less than a month! You're both insane to even be muttering any words associated with marriage. Call me crazy but I have a feeling that Brendon is a major momma's boy and if I know anything about mothers, especially Latin ones, it's that they're very judgmental about who their kids date - especially the boys. I picture Brendon's mom at home clutching her rosary beads and having prayer circles to get that red-headed harlot out of her son's life. I guarantee the Villegas house has been plagued with Spanish curse words ever since BB12 went to air earlier in the month. I am dying to see that home interview by the way. I'm 99% sure Brendon's parents hate Rachel. I mean, come on, how could they not?


OK so Bitch Boy wants a pre-nup and Rachel thinks that's gross yadda yadda yadda. They go outside to the hammock where Bitch Boy declares his love for Rachel and Rachel responds with... silence. Yes, silence. She doesn't tell him she loves him back. He's putting his cape on and trying to figure out how to strap a sword to his hip and she's just sitting there not saying a word. She thinks he's being too clingy, Brendon begins to whine, and the Feedsters go nuts on Twitter. I'm gonna be honest - I missed the fight. I knew it was happening and I was reading about it on Twitter, but I was already lying in bed and I just couldn't be bothered to get up and plug my laptop back in - not for Rachel anyway. I'll be damned if I let that bitch make me inconvenience myself. Besides, I knew that as soon as BBAD started that they'd be kissing and making up. It's uncanny really. I think both of them had a device implanted into their brains that begins to click when 9 PM is approaching.



Of course, I was right. They cuddled and kissed just in time for the BBAD theme song. Oh, it should also be noted that while they were fighting Brendon brought up the fact that he doesn't really care for Britney at all. For some reason, this angered Rachel so, in response, she marches inside to take a bath with... wait for it... Britney. It was disturbing. It completely warped my sense of good and evil. It kept me up all night. I was thisclose to calling an exorcist or a demonologist. I can't explain it, but the anger I felt seeing them in that tub together shredding Kristen to bits hurt me from within. When Rachel made fun of Kristen's laugh (I know, right? How dare she?!) I took a fire place poker and stabbed myself between the eyes. I was hoping for some emotional release or for maybe the pain of iron embedded deep inside my skull to distract me from what I was witnessing on the tv screen, but nothing worked. I tossed and turned, kicked the covers every which way, moaned in agony, and frantically placed crucifixes all around my bed for I knew that what I was seeing was truly demonic. I pondered calling those Paranormal State kids over for a consultation, but then I realized I'd have to listen to Ryan Buell talk into his tape recorder so I quickly nixed that idea. Seriously, that guy is the worst.


So while all this crap is polluting my brain, Andrew is in the HOH with Matt threatening to expose a super secret house alliance that only he knows about. *sigh* He's talking about Hayden and Kristen. Matt tries to get Andrew to reveal what he knows, but Andrew shakes his head and promises all will be revealed on Thursday during his speech and it'll make everyone reconsider their votes. First off, what kind of glitter sprinkled fantasy land is Andrew living in because I definitely want to move there? Telling the group that Hayden and Kristen are a couple isn't going to make them want to keep Andrew. It's gonna make them say, "Duh, we already knew that. Now, buh bye Captain Kosher." When Matt retells Andrew's mad rantings to the Badda-bing boys, Hayden gets a slightly nervous look on his face, but Lane saves the day proposing that Andrew is probably just making shit up now to stay in the game. Lane says something like, "What if he just starts naming random people like me and Enzo? We know it's not true." Thank you Lane. Bless your heart. They all laugh at Andrew and what a freak he is and I was suddenly able to fall asleep knowing that I only have to endure a little more than 24 hrs off his vile and wretched eating habits. At least, I hope that's all I have to endure.


So, what did you bitches think of the big Brenchel fight? Is the halo around Brendon's head dimming? Is Britney really friends with Rachel? Does Andrew have any hope of saving himself? Shouldn't that bath water have been put into a toxic chemicals container with a biohazard sign on it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


And a super special ass smacking Happy Birthday to one Mitchievous Write. Happy Birthday Bitch! No, I will not have sex with you.

22 comments:

  1. Britney is NOT friends with Rachel. I've suspected this all along, every time I see the two of them "bonding", and it was confirmed last night, when Britney told Matt everything Rachel said in the bath. Now, she may enjoy sitting around and making bitchy comments about the other people in the house with Rachel, (but honestly, who else is in the house, now that Monet is gone, that will do that with her?) but she's NOT her friend and will not be loyal to her, and will vote her out when given the chance. If I'm wrong, I will be devastated, and I'll be forced to disassemble my Britney shrine.

    The nicest thing I can say about Brendon during their little "fight" is that he is truly more pathetic than even I gave him credit for. Rachel basically told him to fuck off and that what they had was just a phase she was going through, and he still kept coming back, trying to make up. I'm convinced that the whole thing was all about control for Rachel, and she was just trying to see how easily she could manipulate him into saying something like "OK, you win, no prenup". She's right, it's not about the prenup, it's about being able to control him, and he passed her test with flying colors.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great news about Britney. Thanks for clearing that up Creme. I still can't handle seeing them together though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The more Brendon bitches out and shows himself to be the douche we all know he is, the more distance Rachel is putting. It was smart of her to bond w/Britney last night, since everyone else she was so close to abandoned her (Ragan, Kathy). She made great points to Britney, and I forsee another Rachel HOH this week, because no one wants to win it except Brenchel and Kristen.

    I am looking forward to them getting rid of Brendon tho. Rachel wont crumble like that idiot Matt hopes so much. She may even turn out to be a smart player once he leaves. But while he's there, any feeds with the two of them are unwatchable. She is awful, dont get me wrong, but if they get rid of Benchel completely, then there wont even be the tiniest bit of drama that we have now. So she has to stick around to keep strring up the pot, unfortunately. Whe she is away from Brendon for a bit, she actually has good game instincts (such as Matt being a rat, Kristen coming after her, Andrew liking Brendon but not her). She is just so annoying though.

    As for Andrew, who I'd much rather stay than Kathy (who is making me crazier by the second and my least fav player this season besides Brenchel), he needs to wake up and start making moves today. And I think he will. He is just too odd and awkward to let go right now, especially if the other option is Kathy.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think Andrew will spill the beans today. He's itching to tell. No way he can hold it in til Thursday. And he'll do it in such a douchtastic way that I know it'll be drama. I can't wait.

    No way Britney is friends with Rach. Britney is a classic gossip. She'll talk shit with anyone. Rachel is like a 12 year-old child. She sees a cute girl start to get more attention from the boys and so Rachel makes it her mission to obliterate her. She's clearly tiring of Brendon. It's sad that he's running after her like a spineless fool. It turns my stomach when dudes are so completely whipped.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I do not think Britney really likes Rachel, but I do believe that if the choice was to evict Rachel or Kristen... Britney would get rid of Kristen first.

    I, for one, can't stand Kristen. I haven't watched in 2 days... because if I have to listen to her and Kathy anymore I would lose my shit. They think if a person has money then they don't deserve to win the game. Well guess what you idiotic mopheaded skeez bags... THIS IS A GAME. It's not the line at the welfare office. It's not a charity. And it's not a fucking summer camp for sweet, moral, uncatty girls. IT IS A GAME. Bitches.

    And everyone does not know about Hayden and Kristen. Lane and Britney still think they are cousins. I hope Andrew does tell everyone and they really fucking listen.

    And the reason that Kristen isn't shoving her showmance down everyone's throat is because she has a freaking boyfriend. Of course she's only gonna kiss Hayden in private. She told everyone about her boyfriend AND she's a SMALL fraction smarter than Rachel.

    Yes, Rachel is the most annoying person that I have ever watched on television. Besides maybe Gilbert Godfried. But the rest of these people are pretty slimy, too. Brendon has no balls at all, amd may also be the girliest man alive. Kristen willingly cheats on her bf. Hayden knows about the bf and still makes out with her. Matt lies about a disease to benefit his game. Kathy uses her disease for sympathy votes. Britney is the devil (I say that with love).

    This is the most vile cast ever. Which would fucking excite me like no other. But somehow even with all the vileness... it's still the most boring. How the fuck does that happen???

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Lala for writing exactly how I feel about Rachel. Hearing her voice makes me want to jab ice picks in my ears. Rachel aka duck lip is really making it hard for me to watch BB12. I know that the drama level may go down if she leaves, but I don't care! I don't know if I can stand looking at her or hearing her speak or laugh for very much longer without going crazy! Lala, you are the best!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Misty, you have NO idea what Kristen's relationship with her "boyfriend" is. Is it a new relationship? Were they close to being done with? You have no fucking clue.

    If I was locked up with someone 24 hrs a day and I liked them and had no way to contact my significant other on the outside, I might cheat too. I can't judge someone for doing something I'd probably do myself. Kristen's not perfect and, lord knows, I'm not.

    I try to judge them on their "in the house" actions. I have no idea what these people do on the outside or what their personal relationships are and it's not for me to make assumptions.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kristen said at some point that she and her boyfriend had only been dating for a couple of months

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good point CL, hell for all we know they have an open relationship. Some folks don't consider kissing cheating.

    There might not even BE a boyfriend.

    Oh can you please sprinkle glitter and say an incantation for drama on BBAD tonight? That would absolutely make my day.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lala,

    She said she had a boyfriend IN THE HOUSE. She kisses Hayden IN THE HOUSE. So I was judging by what she's done in the house.

    No, I do not have a fucking clue, about anything. But she did say that she wishes she could talk to her bf. And that she's worried about what people will think of her for kissing Hayden when she has a boyfriend. Maybe she doesn't even have a bf, maybe she does and they aren't close. I am not assuming anything. I am going by what she has said and done in the house.

    ReplyDelete
  11. andihoughtihatednatalie...July 28, 2010 at 5:52 PM

    ding* i just figured out who duck lips is trying to imitate (i read somewhere maybe it is winona judd but at first glance at the pic at the top of your blog today she looked like MORTICIA ADDAMS!! but i loved morticia and thought she was pretty-i dont think duck lips is pretty and once she opens her mouth its over. Duck lips is creepy and hideous

    ReplyDelete
  12. to misty-u dont need to defend yourself-this is a FUN place to be-just chill and dont get so caught up in their reality! this is all a joke. it will be ok. we come here for deep gut laughs not judgement. breathe.........

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear "Anonymous",

    First of all, WE are all judging the houseguests. That's why we watch. Secondly, I am more than okay. And lastly, I am having fun and Lala makes me laugh ALL THE TIME. I love her and she knows I do. But that doesn't mean that I am going to agree with 100% of the things she says. There is this grand new concept called 'individuality'.

    Maybe if I told her I wanted to fry her ovaries like bacon, or shoot her in the face... I would understand all of your reprimands, but as it stands... I do not. So ... maybe next time you'll leave your name and we can breathe together.

    ReplyDelete
  14. What's with Matt's union suit? Did he lose a competition & is this the punishment?
    He's worn it the last 3 nights. And, the shaving of the armpits...I don't think
    I've ever seen that, lol.

    Rachel is incredibly jealous of Kristen. That little scene in the tub last night
    with Britney was a real eye opener. What a bunch of cats! At least, though, Rachel
    did acknowledge her laugh was nauseating (or something like that).I guess family members
    have clued her in.

    I wish these women would realize they're just killing each other (and us)! Soon it
    will be an all male house. How dull.

    Also, where's the house split? Usually by the end of week 1 they're split in two (with
    a few floaters) giving each other the evil eye & trying to destroy each other. This
    niceness makes me speed through BBAD faster than ever.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I for one can't wait to see Brendon's home visit and am betting any takers that there are live chickens on the property, that several nuclear families live under the one roof and that the walls are adorned with lashings of ostentatious Christian crosses and pictures of saints. But having his family's video profile aired will mean that Brandon is on the block... one foot out the door. And this is a good thing. He follows weirdo/zealot Andrew off our airwaves. I'm freakin' loving the plan to psychologically beat Rachel after he leaves by getting inside that airhead of hers with thoughts of Brandon doing the lambada with other chicks. This is supremo game play!
    I do believe our Britany's bath with Red was all in the spirit of getting inside her head and that Brit has the most noble intentions - getting rid of this dispicable couple.
    As long as sanity reigns for one more day Andy is history and after that, provided anyone but Rachel or Brandon win HoH, I think America will be entering the final minutes of the 4th quarter of the game called "force the showmance of two shallow and extremely annoying twits down the throats of the viewing public." I for one am ready to move on. Tennis anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  16. you know what britney's mom always told her... if you can't say anything nice, make sure someone is there to document it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. anything written with the words "batshit crazy" in it, is a must-read in my book....great blog, spot-on and look forward to it everyday....

    ...on a seperate note, anyone else surprised that a bunch dullards ever got cast? or that bada-bing STILL hasn't been found out? who would've thunk that a bunch of membranes can keep a secret? i give them "slight" props for that, and that alone...

    ReplyDelete
  18. I know that I am not watching the show very closely, and frankly, don't care very much for this year at all, but with regards to Kristin and her bf (if she has one) is it IMPOSSIBLE that Hayden is the bf? Has it ever been said that to some capacity that there is zero chance...? I am just saying that if someone in the house knows someone else... Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Wow I totally agree with you, I just post a new topic about Rachel on IMDB saying that she's a very bad person, and she have this crazy self-confident, I don't understand where she get her self-confident from???

    ReplyDelete
  20. Kristen is a snotty rude bitchy little cunt! She is one of the worst players ever and thinks her shit don't stink. SHe is a stuck up little spoiled bitch that should pack her shit up and get the fuck outta the house. As much as I hate Rachel I absolutely DISPISE Kristin!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. oooooooooook obviously everyone on here has extremely low self-esteem and self worth. How can you make fun of Rachel so terribly...you don't even know the girl! To make fun of someone's looks and the way they speak is just low and trashy and karma will see to it that your comments don't go unpunished. You should really write a blog about how ridiculous Britney and Ragan are. All they do is put others down and make fun of other people behind their backs to make themselves feel better. Britney is a poor excuse for a human being, and this has everything to do with the "mean girl" image she portrays on BB. Why would you want to portray yourself like that? I would much rather live in a world with a million Rachels than one Britney...she is a train wreck.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh give me a fucking break Anonymous. First off, you commented on a post that's 2 weeks old. Secondly, you're at a site called the BITCHY Big Brother Blog. Thirdly, what you're essentially saying is that it's ok for me to make fun of Britney and Ragan, but not ok for me to pick on Rachel. Hypocrite much? Get back on your broomstick and fly away. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's holier than thou hypocrites.

    ReplyDelete