The Worst Person On The Planet

She awoke with a grumble. It had been another long night working the floor at the Stardust Hotel. She leaned over the side of the bed, coughed up something with some body to it, and spit it into an old pair of crusty panties. Waking up was never easy for Rachel. The sweaty Efficiency she lived in let the light stream through the windows much earlier than she would have liked. Mrs. Bunton's cat upstairs was always squealing and the couple next door spent yet another night hooting and hollering at a tractor pull on the TV. She'd gotten shmammered at work again which didn't please her boss, but always paid off in spades in tips. Lying on the dirty futon she willed herself to get up and begin the laborious 5 hour process of making herself presentable. There were hairs to pluck out of moles, giant whiteheads to pop, pony extensions to comb out, and fake nails to apply. The morning was the time of the day she dreaded the most. She knew the second her feet hit the floor, she'd hear that familiar scurry of cockroaches running to their hiding places. If only she could find a man to rescue her, a knight in shining armor if you will. He'd have to be tall, fit, and rich, of course. He better not make her sign a pre-nup though. Women who sign pre-nups are idiots and she didn't go to community college to be 3 credits shy of a Chemistry degree to be called an idiot! Let's recap, shall we?

I hate Rachel Reilly. I hate her with every fiber of my being. She speaks and my insides tremble in fear. She laughs and I can feel bile creep it's way up my throat. She pouts and my pet unicorn impales himself with his own horn. She's the second most vile creature on the planet. (The first is Ass Licker - Ass Licker will always be first.) It's work to watch her on a daily basis and I've begun to develop several strange and intolerable ticks as a result. My neck involuntarily spasms, my eyes blink and twitch a lot, and I mutter the phrase "Stop it... just stop it!" over and over again to no one but myself. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that, at some point, Rachel will discover that millions upon millions of people despise her. Maybe she'll even read this blog one day. Who knows? Just in case she does, I want her to know in painstaking detail exactly how repugnant I find her to be. In fact, it'll be my mission to clue her in. It'll be difficult and there will be pain, but I'll do it. On behalf of you, my lovely and slightly perverted readers, I will do it. *sigh* I feel like Joan of Arc preparing for battle or Billie Jean trying to get Christian Slater's money back for the scooter. Fair is fair bitches... fair is fair!

The day began very slowly yesterday. Lots of random chitchat about movies and whatnot. Britney muses that Russell's behavior to Ronnie wouldn't be tolerated in the house this season. I agree with her and therein lies the problem. The big stinky problem that's ruining Big Brother 12 on a daily basis. Political correctness and the paranoia it incites runs rampant in this house and I've had just about enough of it. This idea of always doing the right thing or picking the correct approach is systematically ruining a show I so dearly love. No one yells, no one expresses themselves - individuality is stifled. I want my Big Brother house to be more like a mental institution where the walls themselves, although they keep a person locked in, grant permission for the most honest and free expression of behavior. Instead, we're tortured with incessant conversations about feelings and understanding. Throw caution to the wind, assholes, and get down and dirty. For the love of god... I beg you.

I ask for crazy and I'm given Brenchel. While it's close, it's not exactly the crazy I'm looking for. Anyhow, Bitch Boy and Hyena Fuckface are lying down together having the first of many little tiffs that will plague us throughout the day. Rachel, that incessant bird beaked fun sucker, is still mad that Brendon trusts Andrew. Brendon tries to appease her, but his ruffled panties and pacifier are getting in the way. Rachel's mind is set - she does not trust Andrew and nothing, not even a George Michael impression, will change her mind. Brendon tries to no avail to convince Rachel that Andrew threw the POV for him the other day. In fact, Brendon is so convinced he threw it that he'll go ahead and throw HOH to Andrew next week. Hold up Shirley Temple! Aren't you the same guy who bitches every week about people throwing comps? I thought so. Go back to your corner and make your macaroni art. I've had just about enough of you.

The discussion then turns to Kristen. Fair haired banging bodied Kristen who'd never hurt a fly unless, of course, it was her day to be a frog. Rachel is pea green with jealousy over Kristen. Kristen didn't systematically stage a showmance yet one fell naturally into her lap. Kristen doesn't have to be phony and laugh like a hyena for attention yet all the boys like her. Kristen speaks with a soft valley girl voice and people pay attention. She doesn't need to cackle and flare her nostrils while getting red wine intravenously pumped into her veins. Kristen is everything Rachel is not and it's drives Rachel batshit crazy. Rachel spends hours upon hours thinking up ways to hate Kristen. The jealousy she feels is like a flesh eating virus slowly eating away at her skin. Kristen's never really done anything heinous or gross so Rachel is forced to invent reasons to hate her. Rachel says that Kristen cut the boys hair on purpose. That was her way of getting in good with them. Umm you stupid duck lipped cunt, Kristen cut the boys hair cuz YOU fucked it up last time. The boys already liked her! She's a nice girl who doesn't have to flaunt and create drama to get attention yet Rachel is convinced that Kristen wants to be the only girl left in the house before she turns her evil nonexistent rage on all the boys.

Jealousy, to a person like Rachel who craves all the attention for herself, will make a person do evil and wicked things - things like spreading malicious lies. Rachel is already hard at work planting seeds in the rest of the HG's minds that Kristen is up to no good. She "accidentally" let it slip to Hayden that Kristen said she could control him. *pause* God, I hate that. If only Rachel knew how ugly this envy is making her. Kristen never said any such thing about Hayden and nor would she. Control over people is so completely out of character for someone like Kristen whereas Rachel salivates and writhes in ecstasy over control. Just look at her little Bitch Boy boyfriend. If she's not controlling his every thought and desire, she's throwing tantrums and pouting in a corner.

So while Rachel has set her sights on destroying Kristen, Brendon is more focused on Andrew and the love he feels for him. He tells Rachel that Andrew will publicly apologize to both of them for the speech he gave and then he'll hang out with Enzo and his crew and report back all he's discovered to Brenchel. Really? Why don't I ever see Brendon and Andrew having these pow wows? Is this what's going in another room when all 4 feeds are showing me Lane playing pool or Ragan whining about baby food? When I stop to think about it, sometimes the feeds will go 8 hrs without showing certain individuals. I sure hope we're not missing pertinent discussions and important game play. I don't know who's running the feeds this year, but that person needs to be fired and never allowed to work in television again. I swear they left it up to a stoned intern who's busy scraping his bowl and sneaking out back for a smoke rather than following the action in the house.

Speaking of Andrew, apparently he told Britney that Kathy was gunning for her. Britney, in turn, told Kathy and now Kathy is pissed. She spent most of the day telling everyone what Andrew said and how it's a complete and total lie. Up in the HOH she told Matt she couldn't believe Andrew would do such a thing. They promised not to play like that. Matt tells Kathy that if the vote comes to a tie, he'll vote to keep Kathy. I have no idea is this is true or not. I can't tell anymore with Matt. He's playing so many damn sides of the house that it's impossible to uncover what his true intentions are. To Kathy, he's appearing very anti-Andrew and all things Brenchel. He tells Kathy that he's sure Andrew is working with Brenchel and asks her if Brenchel is on her radar at all. Kathy says without a doubt she's on the warpath to get rid of them. If she wins HOH, they're both going up and one is definitely going home. Sounds good to me!

Hayden and Kristen share a brief moment in the bedroom where Kristen reveals that she likes to wear sunglasses all the time so she can feign sleep and carefully watch other HG's without them knowing about it. Hayden laughs, leans in to give her a peck on the lips, and Kristen says, "Is that all I get?" Hayden nods his shaggy mane and heads to the door. Now, these two are cute. They're normal, they're not trying to shove their showmance down our throats, and they don't make me want to barf up a lung. I'm not gonna be some psycho fan who obsesses over these BB romances though. If they hit it off, great. If they don't, oh well. No biggie.

Now I'm gonna fast forward to the big show that happened in the early evening. Brendon made some comment about wanting a pre-nup and Rachel completely lost her shit. First off Bitch Boy, pre-nups are for people with money not swim coaches who want to be physicists. You wanting a pre-nup is like when George Costanza wanted a pre-nup in that episode of Seinfeld. His fiance laughed in his face and said, "You don't have any money! Sure, I'll sign it. Get me the papers." Secondly, you've known Rachel for less than a month! You're both insane to even be muttering any words associated with marriage. Call me crazy but I have a feeling that Brendon is a major momma's boy and if I know anything about mothers, especially Latin ones, it's that they're very judgmental about who their kids date - especially the boys. I picture Brendon's mom at home clutching her rosary beads and having prayer circles to get that red-headed harlot out of her son's life. I guarantee the Villegas house has been plagued with Spanish curse words ever since BB12 went to air earlier in the month. I am dying to see that home interview by the way. I'm 99% sure Brendon's parents hate Rachel. I mean, come on, how could they not?

OK so Bitch Boy wants a pre-nup and Rachel thinks that's gross yadda yadda yadda. They go outside to the hammock where Bitch Boy declares his love for Rachel and Rachel responds with... silence. Yes, silence. She doesn't tell him she loves him back. He's putting his cape on and trying to figure out how to strap a sword to his hip and she's just sitting there not saying a word. She thinks he's being too clingy, Brendon begins to whine, and the Feedsters go nuts on Twitter. I'm gonna be honest - I missed the fight. I knew it was happening and I was reading about it on Twitter, but I was already lying in bed and I just couldn't be bothered to get up and plug my laptop back in - not for Rachel anyway. I'll be damned if I let that bitch make me inconvenience myself. Besides, I knew that as soon as BBAD started that they'd be kissing and making up. It's uncanny really. I think both of them had a device implanted into their brains that begins to click when 9 PM is approaching.

Of course, I was right. They cuddled and kissed just in time for the BBAD theme song. Oh, it should also be noted that while they were fighting Brendon brought up the fact that he doesn't really care for Britney at all. For some reason, this angered Rachel so, in response, she marches inside to take a bath with... wait for it... Britney. It was disturbing. It completely warped my sense of good and evil. It kept me up all night. I was thisclose to calling an exorcist or a demonologist. I can't explain it, but the anger I felt seeing them in that tub together shredding Kristen to bits hurt me from within. When Rachel made fun of Kristen's laugh (I know, right? How dare she?!) I took a fire place poker and stabbed myself between the eyes. I was hoping for some emotional release or for maybe the pain of iron embedded deep inside my skull to distract me from what I was witnessing on the tv screen, but nothing worked. I tossed and turned, kicked the covers every which way, moaned in agony, and frantically placed crucifixes all around my bed for I knew that what I was seeing was truly demonic. I pondered calling those Paranormal State kids over for a consultation, but then I realized I'd have to listen to Ryan Buell talk into his tape recorder so I quickly nixed that idea. Seriously, that guy is the worst.

So while all this crap is polluting my brain, Andrew is in the HOH with Matt threatening to expose a super secret house alliance that only he knows about. *sigh* He's talking about Hayden and Kristen. Matt tries to get Andrew to reveal what he knows, but Andrew shakes his head and promises all will be revealed on Thursday during his speech and it'll make everyone reconsider their votes. First off, what kind of glitter sprinkled fantasy land is Andrew living in because I definitely want to move there? Telling the group that Hayden and Kristen are a couple isn't going to make them want to keep Andrew. It's gonna make them say, "Duh, we already knew that. Now, buh bye Captain Kosher." When Matt retells Andrew's mad rantings to the Badda-bing boys, Hayden gets a slightly nervous look on his face, but Lane saves the day proposing that Andrew is probably just making shit up now to stay in the game. Lane says something like, "What if he just starts naming random people like me and Enzo? We know it's not true." Thank you Lane. Bless your heart. They all laugh at Andrew and what a freak he is and I was suddenly able to fall asleep knowing that I only have to endure a little more than 24 hrs off his vile and wretched eating habits. At least, I hope that's all I have to endure.

So, what did you bitches think of the big Brenchel fight? Is the halo around Brendon's head dimming? Is Britney really friends with Rachel? Does Andrew have any hope of saving himself? Shouldn't that bath water have been put into a toxic chemicals container with a biohazard sign on it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And a super special ass smacking Happy Birthday to one Mitchievous Write. Happy Birthday Bitch! No, I will not have sex with you.