Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Farting With Purpose

Wine, spirits, ales, nectars of the gods, Bacchanalian delights... life is a celebration meant to be whirled like a dervish. Slurping from the teat of a moonshine jug is the only way I know how to get out of bed in the morning. It's my cup o' joe, my cheerios, my crumbling old pop tart from when sundresses and Doc Martens were a good idea. Only when the razor sharp world outside becomes a fuzzy jumble of greens and browns do I truly feel alive. Naked, uninhibited and wondering where that bruise on my thigh came from is par for the course when your blood alcohol level is always 2.0. Muddled memories, clumsy trysts with someone whose name you forgot you ask, "Plan B please, sir"... hey, we've all been there and some of us (ahem) are still there. And this, dear readers, is why I'm making history today. I'm about to be nice to Rachel. Clutch your pearls and hide the glitter bitches. This may be the first of many or the one and only. No one can say. Let's recap, shall we?

So yesterday I gave Kalia a bit of a hard time. I criticized her appearance, mocked her personality and compared her to a homeless person. Well, why ruin a good thing? Let's do it again! The woman who lacks the energy to stand upright has come up with a plan. Kalia tells Brendon that she'd like to be nominated next week, have Lawon get evicted, and then get the Golden Key thus guaranteeing her safety. Well, I'd like a pretty pink unicorn who shits diamonds, but we can't all get what we want now, can we? Once she has the Golden Key and is safe for the next three weeks, Kalia tells Brendon she'll vote however the Oldies want her to vote. It's basically the laziest possible way to get to the Jury House. Minimal effort, low risk, yawn yawn, ass scratch.

Brendon listens to what Kalia is offering and advises her to act like Keith is staying this week. You see, Brendon also has a plan. It's called Psychosmurfological Warfair (this is Brendon we're talking about here so it's "fair" not "fare"). Brendon wants to sneak inside the minds of the Newbies by having both Kalia and Shelly pretend that they're voting to keep Keith. As a result the Newbies will fall into a lulled sense of contentment believing that they have the 6-4 vote to overrule the Oldies and evict Hyundai. In reality, the 6-4 vote will be to evict Keith, not keep him. The shock and awe from the unexpected eviction will then throw the Newbies into such a flustered state that it'll be physically impossible for them to beat the Oldies in the next HOH. It's too soon for me to tell how the Newbies will react. Could Brendon's plan work or could it fuel their anger to the point of brutal vengeance? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea. Cassi and Dom are the wild cards here. Plus, you know deep down Lawon can't stand Keef. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

In addition to Kalia's "Just Let Me Coast Until I'll Make The Jury" plan, she also tells Brendon that she's very calculated and everything that comes out of her has intention behind it. That belch yesterday was filled with longing. The fart last night was ejected with malice. The burp 2 minutes ago? Well, that one was saying "I'm fucking lazy and disgusting. I'm so Carrie Bradshaw!" Whatever. It's like when people go out of their way to tell you how smart or classy they are. It's all bullshit. Kalia isn't calculating anything more than 1 fart + 1 hiccup x 3 belches = someone who needs a Tums.

While I see it all as complete horse manure, Brendon laps that shit up and decides to divulge every single secret the Oldies are holding onto. He proceeds to tell Kalia how Dick leaving really screwed up the Oldies game, how the Oldies think Adam might be playing both sides, how the HOH crew trusts Shelly and how whoever nominates Brenchel or Jejo is done for. Why not just tell her your ATM pin code and your Social Security Number? You see, Brendon is suffering from an extreme case of hubris. He's under the impression that he's a master Big Brother gamesman and that not only does he have this whole season under control, but he has much to teach the neophytes. *sigh* Brendon you're a penis skyper and that's all. You're not an All Star. You're not someone people look up to. You're a guy who cried on youtube for flashing your junk to anonymous fans. Alumnus does not equal Hall Of Famer.

So eventually Kalia leaves and Rachel enters. She immediately begins to disrobe sending Father Brendon, the pious hall monitor, into a tizzy. He freaks out that her boobs are already all over the internet and that he doesn't want anymore photos of the future mother of his children out for public consumption. Rachel should've replied with, "Well, I don't want the penis of the father of my future children all over the interwebs!" Instead, she whined and sheepishly went into the bathroom to change. The relationship they have is strange to say the least. As far as I'm concerned. Rachel has the upperhand. Brendon had the skype scandal, not her. She should be holding that shit over his head til kingdom come, but instead she's letting him boss her around and treat her like a child. I'm making a prediction right now: the wedding will not happen. They'll get through this season, do the post BB13 press/parties and then sometime in the Fall it'll all be over. Stamp that. Notarize it. That's what's going to happen.

Checking in on some other HG's, we find Jeff and Adam outside working out. Jeff is on the elliptical while Adam is swinging around some Heavy Hands (Remember those? "I walk with Heavy Hands!") while walking back and forth. The conversation turns to Cabriolet and how Adam thinks it might be better to get rid of her now rather than later. His logic is that you should get rid of the strong people early. As an example, he cites how Jeff kept Russell in BB11 way too long. Jeff doesn't really say too much in response and I'm not really sure Adam was even expecting a retort. It's abundantly clear to me that Adam is extremely resentful of the Oldies' presence in the game. I'm getting the distinct impression that he feels like they're stealing his thunder. He went in wanting to be Dick 2.0, but all he is is a Newbie with no fanbase to speak of. He is, however, a conoisseur of the game and tells Jeff that he thinks the first HOH competition after the last Golden Key is given out will be endurance. He gives BB9 as an example - when the couples ended in BB9, endurance followed.

They chithcat a little bit about more about Honda and the upcoming vote. Adam is on the fence because while he thinks Buick is a strong competitor, he also suspects that Keef will hold a grudge. Prius might be loyal to the Oldies, but will they pay a price once the Golden Keys are gone? The conversation ends without a resolution, but if I were Jeff, I'd get rid of Adam as soon as possible. His agenda is clear. He wants the Oldies out and he wants to be the one who does it. Daniele sees it. I just wonder why the others don't as well.

In the Have-Not room we find Kalia and Lawon talking about Keef. Kalia doesn't understand why Keef won't go up to the HOH to talk to Rachel about staying in the game. She thinks it's a respect thing that all the HOH's are entitled to. All nominees should grovel and she's mystified as to why Keef is so proud. She's also very annoyed with the fact that Keef only dates white girls. In her hip Carrie Bradshaw "sex, romance, fun!" mind, it's offensive for black guys to only date white women. Then she says she's far more worldly than Keef because she went to a black college and he didn't. *throws hands in the air* You know what? Kalia is full of a lot of hot air. No wonder she's so fucking gaseous. The discussion ends with Kalia telling Lawon that Toyota doesn't have to do a damn thing this week. Keef will inevitably sink his own battleship. Wait a tic... I thought Kalia was supposed to be pretending to keep Keef in the house. I don't know what game she's playing, but it's certainly not Big Brother. It's something else entirely. Something fraught with jealousy and insecurity.

As much I'd love to stop talking about Kalia, I just can't stay away because do you know what happens next? The black Carrie Bradshaw, in all of her stylish wisdom, advises that toothpicks are great for picking your nose. And, wait for it... her feet also happen to smell really horrible right now. I'll bet that's exactly what Sarah Jessica Parker said when she rolled into the Vogue offices to turn in her latest article, "Isn't the pastel Marc Jacob bag divine? I can't wait to get my hands on the new patent YSL accessories. Hot damn, do my feet stink!" Yup. Verbatim.

This brings us to early evening. The HG's are informed that slop ends tonight at midnight (to which Kalia screams like a deranged psycho) and a bevy of alcoholic refreshments are delivered. Rachel descends the staircase in a sort of strangely awkward Norma Desmond kind of a way. It's faux humble skip to the center of the room where everyone oohs and ahhs over her sparkles. Rachel does a "Oh, this old thing! It was just hanging on the back of the chair." Sure, Rachel. Whatever you say.

Drink, drink, drink. Rachel pours half a bottle of wine for herself and offers the others a tablespoon each. She rounds up the troops to play some Big Booty, but only a handful of HG's join her. Big Booty is some dumbass drinking game that Rachel thinks feedsters want to watch. Personally, I've never seen it. I know I'll hate it so everytime they start it, I save myself the agony and flip the switch. Anyhow, merriment ensues, dancing takes place and Jordan sits in a corner wallowing in her own misery. She refuses to dance, she refuses to smile and I wonder if someone shouldn't stick a mirror under her nose to she if she's still breathing. It's ridiculous that she's in this house when she so obviously doesn't want to be there. Being on Big Brother is a privilege. It's not a summer respite from learning how to clean a stained bicuspid.

Eventually, the partying winds down and Brendon and Rachel go up to the HOH to get some shuteye. Not so fast there jiggly tits. Brendon has a little lecturing to do first. Apparently, Rachel and Lincoln Continental hid some beers, acted like assholes and were annoying to everyone in general. Rachel shouted Brendon's pet names across the backyard for all to hear and now his reputation as an upstanding non penis skyping citizen is tarnished. You see, after BB13 is over, Brendon wants to get married, start his career, have some kids and live a normal life. Grumpy Funsucker can't have his future wife prancing all around the backyard drooling down the front of her glittery top while the world watches and blogs about it. Listen here Penis Man, the only way I want Rachel on my feeds is if she's drunk and insane. If she's not sucking up the naughty juice, then I want her Charlie Manson eyed and off her rocker. The last thing I want from you, Testicalius, is giving Rachel pointers on how to compose herself in a ladylike fashion. Let the bitch do her thing. You're not her father. You're her lover. You've been dealing with the crazy Rachel train for about a year now and clearly it's working out for you. So shut up and let her do what she needs to do. If I had it my way, I'd sponsor her like in Hunger Games and just send her bottle after bottle after bottle of tequila. She's no good to me unless she's a hot mess. The last thing anyone wants is a boring thoughtful Rachel. Red headed harlot to the end, baby. (Well, maybe not to the end, but definitely for the first several weeks)

And there you have it. It seems like the house is entering into a pattern where it's one day of excitement and one day of boredom. If my theory holds true, then today will probably suck. We'll have to see what happens. I am, however, glad that the gameplay is picking up a little bit. The jealousy towards Cassi is growing and I wonder what sort of bodily function Kalia will delight us with today. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

I added a few polls just for fun (top right hand corner) so be sure to vote so we can see where everyone's head is at.

Also, the Bitchy Big Brother Fantasy Game is kicking off today. The big weiner will get an Amazon Gift Card so be sure to make your picks and get ready to talk some trash. You have to be a member of the Bitchy Network to play so for today only I'm offering a half off discount to anyone who joins. Simply click HERE, register, pay HALF of the membership fee and then do nothing. I'll approve you. Once you're in, go to BB13 Bitches and join the game. We had a killer Survivor: Redemption Island game where the winner won by only ONE point. BarefootDrunk (you can follow her on Twitter @BarefootDrunk) has whipped up a new BB13 version putting bounties on all the Oldies heads. It should be a good time. See you there!

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. I'm reading this while listening to Brendon threaten Rachel with throwing the HoH so he can be sent home. God I hate him. I want to sponsor HIM in the Hunger Games ans send him bottle of cyanide after bottle of cyanide, but tell him it's a special elixer that will give him ultimate control.

    BTW I love the polls.

  2. love the polls...love the blog....love you! i agree with the ONLY to endure and enjoy rachel is when she is a hot mess...and brendon is a pain in the ass...quick question...why do they keep talking about this being the first time EVER with organized pairs...are they trying to block out the winter season debacle and if you say something long enough and often enough...it will become true?? it annoys me everytime julie mentions it, which is often.
    also, not only is kalia thinking she is carrie bradshaw and running the game, brendon thinks he is running the game and dominic thinks he is running the game... i dont remember so many hgs being so dilussional so early on as this group, it is bizarre...actually, i think it is too early too tell, but if i had to wager who's in charge, id put early money on daniele...just a hunch

    anywhoooo, great blog miss glitter queen, spot on...and i think you are correct when you say they can only be entertaining every other day....
    heres to a fun thurs

  3. Big Booty actually turned out to be mildly entertaining. All the house guests participated and it didn't involve boozing it up. There were penalties, kissing another house guests picture, licking a spoon, giving a lap dance, etc. It sure beat watching Shelly clean, or talk about cleaning. That woman is a germaphobe.

    Loved the backyard drum/dance segment, as well. Better than last year with the constant pool tournaments. Yuk!

    I'm surprised you didn't comment on Jordan's question, "What's estrogen?" That one had me peeing my pants. I'm willing to give Jordan a small pass because she is getting her period. PMS is a real bitch. Hopefully, she'll come to life in a few days.

    Looking forward to tonight's BBAD when we have the trial involving the disappearance of Franklin.

    Can't wait for tomorrow's blog. You keep me laughing.

  4. Brendum - what a tool I wish him and his wardrobe of tank tops would take a flying leap. What a wanker, and yes we all want big red sloppy and wet and full of giggles. A sober normal Rachel is like sitting in church with your parents, the other version of Rachey Rach is like the first night after your divorce is approved and being in Vegas with a no limit credit card....bitches.
    Cheers, Sausage.

  5. "Listen here Penis Man, the only way I want Rachel on my feeds is if she's drunk and insane. If she's not sucking up the naughty juice, then I want her Charlie Manson eyed and off her rocker. The last thing I want from you, Testicalius, is giving Rachel pointers on how to compose herself in a ladylike fashion. Let the bitch do her thing. You're not her father. You're her lover. You've been dealing with the crazy Rachel train for about a year now and clearly it's working out for you. So shut up and let her do what she needs to do. If I had it my way, I'd sponsor her like in Hunger Games and just send her bottle after bottle after bottle of tequila. She's no good to me unless she's a hot mess. The last thing anyone wants is a boring thoughtful Rachel. Red headed harlot to the end, baby. (Well, maybe not to the end, but definitely for the first several weeks)"

    You had me at Testicalius!!! I was so happy to read this...you see I paid a whole $29.99 for the live feeds, and I want my money back. I am a full-time student who used $30.00 of her precious school refund money. I know that won't happen, but at least I can sit here and read you blogs to keep me going this season.

    First off Datsun is like a Miami version of Rachel/Jordan. She is lazy, and really annoying, but she thinks she has the game all figured out. She thinks the oldies have her back. Not so much. They will have her back as long as there is something in it for them (votes). I actually hate Keef. I hate when he spits, stutters, and lies horribly. Terrible game player! But, at least he is doing something for me to watch.

    I expected these new fools to come on the scene and shake the crap up. Drive Rachel crazy by flirting and bringing up the size of Brendan's youtubed penis. Tell Jeff and Jordan that they are going to "Get GOT!" Tell Dani that her dad left her there, and she is in a world of trouble when her few golden keyed weeks are up because she is no longer a pair, and the oldies don't care about her.

    Instead, they suckin the oldie's asses. They would rather lay up on their dicks and tits feeding their egos than actually playing the game.

    I haven't looked at my $30.00 live feeds in two days, because all I see is a bunch of "What is Vegas like Rachel? Have you seen these live acts in Vegas Rachel? Are you and Brendan going to put me up next? BLUUUUUURRRRPPPPP! FARRRRRRRRTTTTT! *picks toes with tooth pick*
    Got Damn, if I wanted to see all that I would go to my old high school, or watch my dad after he eats and falls asleep on the couch.

    But, I digress!

    Anywho, great blog!

  6. I’m so thankful for today’s blog!!! Last night when I heard Brendon's lecture – I entered the BN chat room- no one was talking about it!! I thought my husband had slipped an ambien in my drink and I was hallucinating.
    I cannot believe Rachel did not bring up his public display of penis!! Penisgate is ruining careers faster than fondling little boys.

  7. i think you enjoy picking on the black women the way you do. I dont really care but its so tired, ,because you know she wont win on this show. They never do. Are you really this Hateful???

  8. Yes, you're exactly right. I'm a hateful racist. That's why I gave Kalia a positive write up at the beginning of the season and why I'm so close with Kisha & Jen from TAR - it's all a giant ruse for my white supremacy.

    Get the fuck out of here.

  9. If I were Rachel I'd give Brendan another thought, he's coming across as a control freak. My biggest annoyance is Kalia. That girl cannot stop talking in her strange monotone motor mouth way. When she's on the feeds I have to switch. The worst is when she's on all four. Get rid of her. Fast.

  10. Brendon is a mentally abusive, controlling uber-douche. I still can't stand Rachel but she doesn't deserve that crap. You can visually see her spirit shrinking when he bitches at her. So not cool.

    I hope they get rid of his ass soon.

  11. And to Anon... oh hells naw! Back up off my girl Lala. Kalia is a lazy idiot. Calling her out on it has nothing to do with race.

  12. Like I said before, I want my verbal abuse, violence (or at least the threat of violence ) nudity and racial tension. Thanks Tyler perry for getting all racial. I find it funny because she seems like a chick that hates other blacks. Now on to more important things.....I am pissed that the women of the house have their sights set on Cassie. Jealous bitches are the worst! Its so highschool! She is everything they want to be. Cassie looks hotter with no make-up at 2 am in dirty sweats, than any other chick in the house all made up. And not only that she's chill and isn't a stuck up bitch,and last but not least she does have balls! Great blog! More polls!

  13. Nice to Rachel. You?!!?? Be still my heart, lol.

    I have to hand it to you. I never noticed Kalia's burping till you pointed it out. Now it's all I see.

    Why does everyone always think the 'shock and awe from the unexpected eviction' will cause the affected HGs to perform poorly in the HOH. Every summer we hear this. I may be mistaken, but I don't recall it ever making much of a difference.

    Love the changing names for Porsche. Took me a minute...

    I didn't understand Kalia's nose picking discourse either. Toothpicks, Q-tips, etc.?