Sunday, July 10, 2011

It's Stammertime!

What a difference a day makes? When the day before yesterday all we had to work with was Brenchel counting the blades of grass and Jordan morphing into a pillow sham, yesterday blessed us with a hotbed of activity. Keef (that's Keith's new name) done lost his e'erluvin' mind while Dum Dom (that's Dominic) is going around the house thinking he's a BB legend even though he's only been playing the game (and I use "playing the game" very loosely) for about a week. The whispers creeped out from the beneath the floorboards. The hushes hid underneath the beds. But oh the stammers. The sta-sta a'sta-sta,-stam it on the one, sta-sta-stam wich yo bad self, a'sta-sta... It's Stammertime! Let's a re-re-recap, a sha-sha-shall we?

We begin our beautious BB day with Keef setting his sights on a new target: Lawon. Kapow! (Kapows just naturally follow Lawon wherever he goes) Keef's mission is to get his own ass off the block and offer up Lawon's as a replacement. Now, I know I've been sleeping a lot throughout most of the season, but I'm not exactly sure where Keef's anger for Lawon stems from. Kalia thinks it's because Keef wants to be the "The Token". As in, the token black man whereas Lawon thinks that Crocs make completely suitable daytime footwear (they don't). Whatever the reason is really doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's stammertime and Keef is a kerfluffle of spittle and mooshmouth. When he gets going, grab a slicker. You're gonna need it.

So Lawon is sitting outside on the hammock minding his own business when Dum Dom skips over and asks him what he thinks about this week's vote. It's already taken care of as far as Lawon is concerned. Way back on day one or so, Lawon shook Keith's hand and that was all it took. Lawon, come hell or high water, come backstabbing or bus rolling, absolutely will not vote out Keith this week. A hand shake is gold to one Mr. Lawon Exum. A hand shake separates the fabulous from the not so fabulous. Lawon - kapow! - I love you babydoll, but you're doing exactly what Jameeka did back in BB8 to Jen Johnson. You need to learn the famous saying by Benjamin Franklin: "Handshake shmamshake."

Meanwhile Keef has begun his "Lawon is the devil" publicity tour and he's hitting up all the big players with his "homina homina's" and his "uh uh uh's." It would take an eternity for me to transcribe it all and, in all honesty, I'm actually considering banning Keef from my feeds - I can't take it anymore! The spit, the gums flapping, the quivering hands and the shifty eyes - I just can't do it. Basically, all you need to know is Keef wants his ass off the block and Lawon's on and he'll do anything and say anything he has to in order to make that happen.

So while Keef is busy trying to make Lawon look bad, Dum Dom is on a very different sort of crusade. He wants to talk a little shop with the oldies. Jeff, Jordan and Brendon are all chilling at the pool when up saunters Dominic with his Target t-shirt, his faux Ray-Ban's and his little cubic zirconia adorning his ears. He begins with what I like to call some "softball questions". It goes something like this, "Who do you think is the biggest threat on our side? You know you're all targets, right? Why would I want to team up with you while you're all targets? Can you teach me how to play Big Brother?" Seriously, if you didn't see it, flashback that bitch (around 1:30 BBT Sat.) because the awkward cocky defiance coupled with the reactions from the oldies is worth it's weight in gold. Dominic isn't a dumb guy in that he's figuring out that BB is a numbers game, but he's a fucking idiot when it comes to feeling out his opponents and coming up with some sort of social game. Watching it I had a reaction very similar to how I would suspect Boston Rob would react. It went something like, "Use the POV. Get Dom out. Stat." You just can't let some kid saunter up to you, call you a target and then walk away. How much clearer can his agenda get? Even Brendon said, "Do you even hear what you're saying?"

After Dum Dom plowed through the backyard he headed inside to steal a word or two with Daniele. Get this - he wants Daniele to vote to keep Keef in the house so Keef remains a target. Daniele immediately objects knowing that having Keef wandering around safe for the next 4 weeks is a bad idea for everyone. Then... THEN Dom says that wouldn't it be better for Daniele if the couples (Rachel/Brendon & Jeff/Jordan) were split. *clutches pearls* Who is this kid? Either he has gigantic rhinocerous balls or tiny little snowflakes for brains. Daniele didn't really give Dom a response and yes, in the future, it would serve her well to have the couples split, but right now, while she's safe yet still essentially powerless, she can't go into the final 8 surrounded by mostly newbies. She needs to have some oldies to back her up and since Rachel and Brendon are much bigger targets than Daniele, they serve as a decent buffer.

Up in the HOH room Jeff proposes to the other oldies that they bring in another team they can trust. He submits they open their arthritic arms to Cassi and Shelly. He spoke with Cassi earlier and discovered that she is not in an alliance with Dum Dom and is in fact pretty cool and smart. The crew already likes Shelly so this acquisition of a newbie duo makes sense. They bring Shelly upstairs, show her the secret handshake (it's a lot of fist pumping mixed in with a pimple cream applying mime) and it's a done deal. Shelly and Cassi are now in an alliance with the oldies.

Shelly leaves and Rachel suggests they have a house meeting to settle the Keef/Lawon thing once and for all. Daniele calls house meetings, like everything else in life, "stupid", but Brendon and Rachel are hellbent on figuring out if any of Keef's stammers hold any truth. Apparently, he's saying that Lawon said Jeff & Jordan laughed when Dick left, told everyone Keef wasn't really a matchmaker and said that Kalia didn't have Keef's best interest in heart. To be honest, it's all petty bullshit. It's just the stammerings of a desperate and very annoying young man. Here's my thoughts on Keef: I take one look at him doing his arm raising, spitting, stammering routine and I know he's lying. And if he's not lying then he's certainly not coming from a place of happiness. He's a creepy Christian with nothing but pussy on his mind. It's disturbing. Hey, I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and believe me, it's always the pastors or deacons who seduce the women in the congregation. On Investigation Discovery they usually kill the women too, but I don't think we're quite there yet with Keef. Right now the lad just wants a piece of ass, lily white ass.

So, the stage is set. Brendon and Rachel needle Keef into confronting Lawon in the backyard. It went something like this, "Uh uh uh ummm you uh uh uh LIAR!" Lawon sat there confused at first and then it dawned on him real quick what Keef was doing to him. It was awkward and kind of painful to watch. Lawon denied all the fake allegations and openly admitted to the real ones Keef had completely blown out of proportion while Rachel and Brendon sat in stony silence quite pleased with themselves. That smug bitchassness wouldn't last long though because the very public mockery those two chose to make of it all sent my precious pony, Lawon, running inside and crying. The sky got cloudy, unicorns impaled themselves, fairies fell from the sky one by one and a fabulicious black man cried his little heart out.

Lawon doesn't lie. He doesn't roll like that. That's not how he wants to play the game. That's not his bag, ya hear? Don't you EVER accuse Lawon of spreading falsities across this great land of hours. Because you know what you'll get? You'll get a handsomfied, lovified, pimpified chocolate morsel of deliciousness ready to treat the world like it's his own catwalk. That's what you'll get people. Werd. *snap snap snap* Kapow! Oh, and that handshake thing from earlier? Well, Lawon listened to my good friend Benjamin Franklin and it's null and void bitches. Null and void. Kapow again!

Whoosh. Splat. Kerplunk! This all brings us to BBAD where a superhero production is playing out. Dum Dom is Dominus (I'm completely offended that he probably got the idea for the name from Spartacus - that's my show dammit) and Brendon is some sort of caped crusader. It was merry and fun with Lawon narrating and Cassi providing the soundtrack. The turtle Franklin needed saving and hijinks ensued. There were bloopers, stunts and a rump shakin' booty dance. Most of the house served as the audience, but Keef chose to grumble to himself on the hammock instead.

Adam joins Keef in Hammock Land and the two begin to discuss the days events. Adam is adamant (Ha!) that Keef needs to shut the fuck up and stop stirring the pot. Keef's ever so eloquent response is "uh um uh bu-bu-but I'm tryin' t-t-t-t-to save myself." Adam growls, takes a drag of his cig and replies, "But you're only making the target on yourself bigger." Keef retorts, "I-I-I-I'm what?!?" It's insufferable. Truly it is. I take back what I said earlier about getting Dom out now. Keef needs to go. He's no real threat or anything but he's driving ME batshit crazy. Allow me to illustrate exactly how batshit crazy he makes me. This should put it all into perspective. I'd rather watch Rachel and Brendon fight, cry and make up for the rest of the summer than watch Keef hold a conversation for 30 seconds. I've got hot pokers and shish kabob spears on permanent stand by. I HATE KEEF!

For this next segment I think I'll just stick my head into a burlap sack of rabid foot long rats and try to type. Dum Dom and Keef are in the Star Wars Room where Keef has decided that he has the entire game completely figured out. This rocket scientist is uh uh uh absolutely certain that his uh-uh buddy Dom and Cassi are uh-uh in with the oldies. Dom says, "Absolutely not. I've been 100% honest with you. I've told you this from day one. I'm voting for Porsche." Keef's tongue swallows his whole head and he says, "You-you-you aligned with them and made a deal a-a-a-a-uh-uh fine lily white ass, you lyin'!" Essentially here's what happened: Keef saw Dom playing with Brendon outside and now he thinks Dom is in an alliance with the oldies. He couldn't be more wrong as the oldies don't trust Dom in the least bit. Dom, as a matter of fact, is on their short list of who to get out of the house. It's almost comical how wrong Keef is. Somehow he's managed to not only piss off all of his adversaries, but he's managed to alienate his friends too. It takes a very skillfully ignorant mouthbreather to pull that off. Congratulations Keef. You win my Mouth Breather Of The Day award.

The rest of the night was a lot of chitchat about food, dating, smoking, etc. There was one little tasty nugget though. Jordan revealed that Dick called Jeff after finding out he was returning to the show. Can you say "cheater"? Speaking of Dick, he'll be making a statement today about what went down. My guess is that it all has to do with Daniele. I think he realized that the house wasn't making their relationship any better and out of some sort of latent fatherly obligation, he left. I think it was probably emotional and I'm going to predict we see tears from the DR next Wednesday. If I'm right, I wonder if he got his full paycheck. Returning HG's get a lot more than the $750 a week my friends. I'm predicting Dick gets a decent edit, emerges as the damaged dutiful father and the relationship he's trying so hard to mend will never really amount to much. Daniele is cold. Very cold. I don't know what goes on between these two or what went on in the past, but I don't think quitting Big Brother is enough to mend it. That's just my two cents. I guess we'll see how it all plays out soon enough. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It looks like the game is officially on. Yesterday was one of those live feed days you hope for. Don't miss out on all the uh-uh-uh madness. Try the free trial and check it out for yourselves! ALSO, Famous Food behind the scenes footage is coming tomorrow (I think) to Superpass. The show premieres tonight on VH-1. I don't know about you, but I miss Daniele Staub. The Real Housewives of New Jersey just isn't the same without her.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. First off Target is where all the Ugg & Victoria's secret Pink sweat pants wearing cool kids shop. Their made in China crap it better than Walmart's made in China crap...didn't you know? Anyway down to business. When it comes to "tokens" I tend to like the "comic relief " black and what i call the "lenny kravitz" black :-) I don't like the "Baptist black" or the "ghetto/ pussy chaser/ my swag don't stink" black which Kieth seems to be a hybrid of.when he talks to the other house guests its like he's molesting them, even the dudes.He held the poor Bacon muncher hostage last night. I dont even like the fat fuck and I felt sorry for him.They should boot out saggy tits McGee(have you noticed she looks like tyler perry?). Its like she doesn't even exist.I hate baby voice Jordan.
    Useless bag of cellulite ;-)

  2. YEsterday was def a weird day in the house. Who I wanted to go home chages like every 5 minutes. Keith and Dom are both the most terrible players I have ever seen. Great blog today :)

  3. Say what you will about Keef... yes, he's annoying, yes, he stammers, yes, he's shooting himself in the foot... but he's the only one that's provided us with the least little bit of drama so far. I'm not as enthralled with him as I thought I would be, but what would they be doing now without him? Another round of Big Booty?

    Also, I can't look at Dominic without the word Fancypants popping into my head.

  4. Allthat848 writes:
    Hey Miss Lala,
    I'm still trying to work out how I feel about these houseguests. But I do know this, I didn't like Keef from the start. I'm so glad you brought up his being a devout Christian. I'd like to add that he said he was also a youth minister. I find his whole presentation disturbing. His focus on gettin' ass and his grand plan, Keith's Angels---whatever. He even had the nerve to write out this idiotic plan. Here's how I see Keef's new formula:

    Creepy & Disturbing + Stammerering & Spitting =

    Farewell Kakorrhaphiophobic Keef

  5. I would have to agree. Keefis a H.A.M. *Hot. Ass. Mess.*

    Honestly, the whole campaign that he made up against Lawon was so unfounded, and lying just doesn't work when you stammer, stutter, and hand gesture constantly. This creeper has to go, or it will be four weeks of this crap. It isn't really game play...well it is, but he just sucks at it.

    Dum Dom....I did watch that awkward conversation with Jeff and Jordan by the pool side. If Jeff were looking at me like that, I don't think I would have giggled, and walked away and apologized for my horrible approach to game talk.

    Great recap as always Lala. You are the goddess of sarcasm. I am very fluent myself. Thanks a bunch for the laughter....(ok I will stop blowing smoke up your ass now)! lol

  6. *snicker* Ahhhh Ms Lala you are too kind sometimes. When you called Keith Keef...I snorted Mt Dew out of my nose (which hurts btw) and then I giggled because I had been referring to him in my mind as Queef.(for those that don't know what that it. You'll love it!)
    He is such a tool...

    And then there's dum Dom...I said it before and I'll say it again. Dom...fuck off and die.In a fire.NOW.

    Hey I'm all for good drama,but the key word there is GOOD. Brenchel won't be HOH forever and considering that most of the newbs said that they hated her in the pre-show interviews,STOP kissing her ass. blechhhhhh
    At some point...I want at least one of the newbs to bring up Brendon's pee pee pics that were all over online. That would be great drama.

  7. I don't know. These kids are still boring the crap out of me. I can't make it through BBAD yet. I agree with BD. If Keef goes it'll be back to campfire games and smores all day. I want spitting, backstabbing, namecalling, and crying.

    Thank goodness for you fabu recap to keep me up to speed because I still can't watch these people yet.

  8. I agree about the reason Dick left. Danielle talked to Rachel about BB showing them screaming at each other. She didn't think they would show it, but they are. Rachel said they asked about it. FB Sat 9:23 Feeds 3 and 4.

  9. Not a big vet fan, but Keef does need to go. Followed shortly thereafter by Dom. What do they call themselves? The Regubragade? Funny that their secret alliance will be 2 short after only 2 short weeks. Lawon has grown on me, I am liking him more but I am waiting to see Dom giving him head in the have not room after he gets tired of Cassi blowing him off (figuratively not literally).

  10. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes the BB and the Sausage is back....Does anyone recommend a drug to keep me awake while watching BBAD!!!! can't wait for the scrapping and the fighting.
    Cheers, Sausage...

  11. So far this Big Brother has really sucked. No fighting just a bunch of grownups singing Big Bootie or banging on crap making noise. Come on this is the Big Brother show not America's Got Talent. I'm rooting for Rachel,Brandon or Porche to go.