Monday, July 11, 2011

Burning Embers

Good day Big Brother fans. Seen any good 8 minute long commercials lately? Yeah, me neither. A quitter is a quitter is a quitter. Moving on...

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't watch too much of the live feeds yesterday. This new cast is a giant festering pile of dogshit and I don't know if you've ever spent a lot of time watching a giant festering pile of dogshit, but it's not as fun as one might imagine it to be. However, there is one good thing that came out of my frustrations yesterday. I have found my anger center. Yoga practictioners try to awaken their kundalini, people from the Orient try to harness their Chi'i, but I, on the other hand, strive to ignite the glistening burning embers of my soul. If you heard a crackling popping noise yesterday, that was my anger center getting all fired up. What I bring you today isn't really a recap, it's more of a "I fucking hate these people!" ramble. Let's do it, shall we?

First things first, Rachel and Brendon kept the nominations the same and Keef and Dodge are still up for eviction.

I'm going to start today with Kalia. Kalia hails from a land called Suckfest. In Suckfest, not only is openly belching into another person's face considered commonplace, it's encouraged. One could be having a conversation with Kalia about their uncle dying a slow and painful death from pancreatic cancer and homegirl would open her giant trap and release a gutteral rumbling so loud and noxious it would make your eyes water and the tiny hairs inside your nose sizzle. Kalia once compared herself to Carrie Bradshaw. First off, sitting in a coffee shop writing blogs doesn't make you a successful author with people pining to be you. If it did, I'd be Stephen King sitting around one of my country estates wondering how to spend my millions. Instead I'm sitting here with my laptop resting on my knees as I soak my feet in my bathtub full of gin. Kalia also told us she'd be fierce and unafraid to speak her mind. I ask you dear readers, how fierce is this?

I expected sass. I expected irrational anger. All I got was a stray homeless woman trying to keep warm against the temperate climate of California.

And, let's be honest here, would Carrie Bradshaw ever allow herself to look like this. She's a brick... HOUSE!

If Miss Sophia from The Color Purple wore a hot pink bikini, she'd look like the above photo. Kalia sucks. The valley girl voice, the quiet contentment, the insecurity around the Oldies... it all adds up to a slot taken up by someone I don't want to spend my summer watching. At least Chima spoke her mind. Sure, she looked like a Bratz doll on crack and acted like an insufferable prima donna, but she was honest and fiery and gave me something to talk about. Kalia gives me nothing. The "wait and see" strategy she's using may make sense in her mind, but it makes my ass twitch. Kalia is a beige wall. A plastic fern in a doctor's office. She's a bran flake. A grape nut. She's a saltine stuck on the roof of your mouth the day all the Earth's water evaporated into thin air. I tried to like you Kalia, but I just can't. If you change my mind, I'll happily give you credit. Until then, go crawl back under your homeless lady blanket and stop wasting my time.

Next up in today's tongue lashing is Shelly/Babs. I gave Babs a pass because the softball coach/Harley riding thing was funny in the beginning. The southern accent coupled with the Holly Hunter talking out of the side of the mouth thing was endearing at first, but now it's just making my brain bleed. Instead of forming alliances amongst the Newbies to take down the Oldies, she's got her tongue up Jeff's ass and is perfectly content letting the game float right by her. Shelly's main contribution to this summer of horrors is her war on grime. Whether it be a drop of iced tea, a caked on piece of slop or years of hard water stains on a mean piece of tile grout, Shelly will attack that bitch with all guns blazing. She's armed with her broom, a wad of steel wool and two Swiffers in her belt loops. I dare you dirt. I dare you to show your ugly face when Shelly enters the room. Not even a festive drinking game of "I Never" can deter Shelly's focus. If Swiffer had an Olympic competition, Shelly would be the champion of the world. Until then, she's the Big Brother housekeeper. Plain and simple.

Next on my list of shitty shitfaces is Adam, the man who thinks a primal scream makes interesting television viewing. Throaty, grumbling and burly, if Adam really aspired to be like that quitter I will no longer name, then why isn't he gathering the Newbies to orchestrate a gigantic upset to oust the Oldies? Instead he's standing in the middle of the lawn spinning the douchey top that he is.

This brings me to Cassi. I actually like Cassi and she's playing the game all of the Newbies should be playing. She's working on a way to split up Rachel & Brendon and Jeff & Jordan. The problem is that her useless squishy turdface cohorts are traitors who run and tell the Oldies everything she's planning. Late last night the Swiffer Champ Of America ran up to the HOH and told Rachel of Cassi's plan to split up the Oldies. She also spilled that Lawon wants to keep Keef in the house as well. After a long night of fitful sleeping I'm beginning to wonder myself if keeping Keef is the way to go. If somewhere down the line it protects Cassi and Lawon, I'm ok with it. The problem is that Keef is the most untrustworthy player in the game and he uh uh uh d-d-d-drives me uh uh uh insane. He shouldn't have turned on Lawon like he did the other day - especially after what we saw last night on CBS. But the more I think about it, the more I think keeping Toyota Corolla in the game is a bad idea. She's strong in competitions, but lacking in brain power which makes her not an obvious threat, but someone who could very easily sneak by and find herself in the final four.

Another person who'll sneak right by to the end is Jordan. Lazy, ineffectual, cupcake sprinkles for brains Jordan. Here's what's going to happen: Jeff and Jordan will go on the block at some point and Jeff, who's clearly the stronger player, will be the obvious target. Jordan couldn't win a competition if it sat on her face and squirted out cookie dough. Already the Oldies are planning to throw comps to the poor girl and that's why I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this blonde joke to the sanctity of Big Brother walks away with another $500,000. Think about it. The second Rachel gets on that block and is unable to get herself off, she's toast. As much as I love to hate on Rachel, the girl is a fierce competitor. The only reason I'm tolerating her so far this season is because of the glaring blackhole of nothingness I'm seeing in almost all of the other players. Rachel is jealous, insecure, annoying, vomit inducing and all the rest of it, but she loves herself some Big Brother. In comparison to the lifeless blob that is Jordan, even I can have a droplet of respect for Rachel.

As for Lawon, I still like him as a person. I just don't know if he's really the sleeper I made him out to be. He's the one speck of glitter in this drabby poop colored room that is Big Brother 13 and I just can't not like him. He makes me smile, he's honest and I want him to be my pageant coach if I ever enter the Miss Bitch Of America pageant. So, stick around Lawon. I want to have my first Mint Julep with you while we talk about if there really is a thing as too many rhinestones on a shirt.

That's all I got today folks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you checked out Famous Food last night or want to watch Jordan beach herself to another victory, click on the link below and get yourselves some feeds dammit.

Watch Big Brother 13 on SuperPass!


  1. Boy,.. did you nail Kalia! So dead on!

    I actually was kind of diggin' her in her pre-show video interviews, (& didn't think she was too bad to look at either), but, that's all changed now!
    Released loud & noxious guttural rumblings that cause the eyes to water & the nose hairs to sizzle will do that to ya every time. (Not to mention lookin' like a skid-row, broke-back Oprah from "The Color Purple" in that pink bathing suit).


    I feel like Ricky Ricardo,..... "Wha' Hoppin'?"

    Man, this BB13 line-up really seems to suck so far!

  2. I bought the feeds this year for the first time. I was so excited, anxiously awaiting to see my first Regan/Rachel style fight, and maybe hear some "Floters grab your life vests", but I got NOTHING. These are the most boring people known to man! Ugh.. I keep telling myself it's still new, it will get better. Oh well, at least I supported my favorite bitch when I bought the feeds to this suckfest. Reading your blogs is the only thing I look forward to so far this summer.

  3. They all suck eggs, I never would have thought I would miss Enzo. Fuck what am I saying???? it took me 8 months to stop saying the words "Banging Yo" after every sentence....
    So glad this is back even though it is lame so far..
    Cheers, Sausage Fingers.

  4. I laughed, I cried, my nipples got hard, and now I'm spent. Great job. I'm glad the people pissing you off are the same ones pissing me off.

  5. You have it completely right. So dull, it's hard to watch. Can I come soak my feet with you?

  6. lmao the pics of Kalia are golden!!!!
    I did catch Kalia talking to the cameras recently and I thought she said this part of her masterplan - she is setting the stage to appear depressed just in case one of the new faces win HOH. In fact she is so sad that she would like to be nominated and go home. She plans to say it is win-win-she goes home and Lawon gets the golden key....and then BAM!! The vets vote to save her and Lawon goes home.
    That doesn't excuse her belching or her unfortunate stature but maybe she will bring back her spunk??

  7. yea, Kahlia is totally fuckin lame. Unfortunately, Cassi and Dom are like the vets' enemy number one because they are the only functional people. It's too bad.

  8. Always gotta wonder why some folks are sooo eager to be the fifth, sixth or seventh member of an alliance. Here's hoping that Adam and Shelly form the geezer alliance or the broad and the beard after they get down to ten. Dum dom and the could be star Casiopenyoureyes have the right idea but no execution (save for their own). Lawon's main goal seems to be to earn the nickname Neon Lawon, or just Neon for short. And after her performance in the HOH bathroom today I can only think of Kalia as Princess Plunger. Quiter or not, I'm glad ED is gone and don't care if I ever hear of him again. But you know we all will. Its still early, but I guess there is always next season.

  9. "She's a saltine stuck on the roof of your mouth the day all the Earth's water evaporated into thin air." Lala, you are a gem.

  10. Question? When they are telling these idiots the rules of the games they play, how LONG does it actually take them to GET it. On TV, it makes it look like they explain the rules and everyone jumps right in to play..but some of the dumbasses they put on here...just curious.

  11. Oh so tyler perry wants to look like a horse face?! I guess that would be an improvement.
    Great blog Lala!

  12. Pinto needs to leave and Cassi might actually have a fighting chance , that is if the house cleaner stops running her mouth .
    This is a total snoozefest so far and i am once again sterile from rachel's cackle from hell .

  13. I laughed until I cried. So funny! I even called my husband in to read. He's not a reality tv person but gave a booming laugh on the Kalia paragraph, then said, "oh, reading the dog shit part reminds me to empty the dog shit bucket in the kennel". LOL! You are priceless and you nailed 'em!

  14. That's why it's so important to check out the three way mirror when trying on swimsuits, ladies. Kalia. GURL...

    I can't even make it through BBAD. But it's always boring in the beginning and the end. So it'll get better. Right????

    Thank goodness I can count on Ms. Lala to help me make it through.

  15. Lawon is a waste of human breathe. such a waste of space, amazed there is anything you find likable about him. I think the newbies are all more or less horrible save Dom and Cassi but like other commenters have pointed out the vets have already targeted them. I think Shelly or Dani are going to win, not thrilled about either that's for sure.

  16. Thank goodness you are an equal opportunity drink fest... Hamsterwatch has the following drinking game: "BB13 DRINKING GAME
    Take a swig whenever Adam mentions bacon (as suggested by Adam)"

    Within 15 minutes 3 bottles of wine were GONE!

    I think there may still be hope for Kalia ... even if you don't like it. I'm still in wait and see mode. I'm also hating that I like Brenchel this season... goes TOTALLY against my grain... maybe they learned from last season.

    Regardless... loving your blog as ALWAYS.... obvi!

  17. Love the pic names; swifferchamp, hosebeast, mysoul. You are hilarious girl!