Monday, July 8, 2013

You Can Leave Your Hat On

Sometimes I like to eat cereal in the morning and sometimes I don't. Have you ever touched a kangaroo in person? I'll bet it gets really hot in Australia. Hardwood floors are nice especially when they are dark like espresso. I once had a conversation with a UPS delivery guy and it was like... oh my god, do you see that cloud? It looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I got stung by a jellyfish when I was 10 and I haven't been in the ocean since. Don't you feel bloated after you eat pizza? So many people have gluten allergies now. My cousin from Nebraska does those Brazilian Butt Lift videos. I was reading Us Magazine the other day and I don't think Mario Lopez is very nice in real life. I'm so glad you guys stopped by to talk game today! Have you ever watched that show Hot In Cleveland? Me either. Let's recap, shall we?

What began as a lazy Sunday on the Big Brother compound ended in titty bouncing and copulation. That will happen when you've been audibly assaulted by a ginger all day. When the tat tat tatting of non sequitur chatter has beat steadily against your brain for 8 consecutive hours, the only natural response is to fling off your clothes and do things you'll regret in the morning. Obviously, I'm talking about Andy. I told you from the very beginning this guy would be a nightmare to listen to. And if you listened to the Big Brother Gossip Show this weekend, then you know that I discussed why Andy suddenly feels like he has this game by the balls.

We begin with Helen telling Spencer and Andy that she thinks that Asshat (Jeremy) and Nick have a final two deal. After Helen leaves the boys, Andy wonders out loud if getting out someone like Eyebrows (Kaitlin) or Nick is a better idea than getting out Elvira (Elissa). Andy thinks that taking out Elvira keeps Asshat too strong in the house. He tells Spencer that keeping Elvira makes him feel safer. Andy thinks that Eyebrows is a shit stirrer and needs to go home.

Little does Andy know that he is telling all of this to someone in Asshat's Moving Company Alliance. After listening to Andy's theories, Spencer does what he does best - he invents things. He looks up into the sky, plucks out an idea and then tries to convince everyone that it is true. It has worked for him in the past with Candice, but as each day passes his lies become more fanciful and ridiculous. This morning he tries to convince Andy that he is apprehensive because he think Asshat will win MVP every week. Hearing this, Andy bursts out laughing and says, "No way!" He tells Spencer that Elvira will keep winning MVP so why not be in an alliance with her and keep her. Andy also doesn't like how Asshat bullies people around all the time. Spencer, quite defensively, insists that Asshat has never bullied him into anything.

After Andy leaves Spencer and goes inside, Spencer thinks to himself for a while and scrambles to think of a way to protect his precious Asshat. When he's at a loss for logic is when he invents something out of thin air and comes up with another crazy lie. This time he decides to blame everything everywhere on Amanda. It's a diversion tactic - "Hey Andy, look over here! Ignore Asshat and look at how evil Amanda is!" Thankfully for Andy, he doesn't fall for Spencer's ridiculous crap. He may be annoying as all get out, but he knows when things sound over the top or ridiculous.

Sensing a swell in the house that is rising up to save Elvira, Spencer is now on a mission to do anything he can to get rid of her. He tells Asshat that Amanda is leading the charge to save Elvira. Asshat then takes Amanda into the Have-Not room and confronts her. He tells her that people have been coming up to him telling him that she is trying to save Elvira. She says that people are calling her "the puppet master". Amanda asks him if males or females are saying this about her. Asshat doesn't respond, but tells her that this confrontation they're having is him being honest with her. His side of the house is the strong one and this is her chance to be safe for a long time. Amanda tells him that she and McRae have already decided to vote out Elvira.

Amanda then asks Asshat who is giving him his information. In typical Asshat fashion, he tells her to guess. She asks, "Helen?" Asshat confirms that he has heard her name. Amanda then asks, "Spencer?" Asshat replies with a yes. Amanda nods knowingly and tells Asshat that Spencer is totally against her and is going around the house telling people that she has been concocting the plan to save Elvira.

After Asshat leaves, Amanda immediately goes to McRae and tells him everything Asshat told her. McRae's forehead scrunches up in worry and he tells Amanda that she needs to stop whispering to people. He tells her that she can't talk shit to anyone anymore. He begs her to please stop talking game. Here's the thing: McRae is stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one side of him, he has the Moving Company and on the other side he has a girl he really likes. The conflict is beginning to get to McRae and it shows. Sooner or later he is going to have to pick which partnership is more important to him.

Let's look at things from Amanda's point of view - as far as she's concerned, she is in an alliance with McRae. That's all she knows! It makes perfect sense for her to question why McRae keeps telling her to be quiet and simply trust him. She doesn't know the Moving Company exists so she's doing what she thinks will help her and McRae further along in the game. The problem is that what will help her and McRae doesn't help the Moving Company. The other issue is that Amanda isn't a simpleton twit like Eyebrows or Aryan who will do anything a boy tells them to do. This is all going to blow up at some point. Either McRae will tell Amanda about the Moving Company or she'll go against him and do what is best for her.

While talking to McRae, Amanda wonders out loud if there is a way for Elvira to stay. McRae replies exasperated, "She's not gonna stay!" McRae pleads with Amanda to just trust him. He tells her that she does NOT have the votes to keep Elvira. Amanda isn't happy with that explanation. Much to McRae's dismay, she is still trying to figure out how to save Elvira.

Andy then approaches Amanda and McRae and tells them that he can't understand why they can't save Elvira. He says it should be a slam dunk and they need to keep her if she keeps winning MVP. Andy tells McRae and Amanda that he trusts them implicitly. Amanda replies, "I trust you too" while McRae sits in silence. Andy then tells them how Spencer was saying that Elvira was talking about putting up Andy. Andy laughs and says that he knows that that is total bullshit. Then he tells the couple how exhausting the day has been - everyone has been pulling him aside to talk game! NOT. Nope. Uh uh. Andy is the Energizer Bunny of mindless conversation. He flits from one corner of the house to the other trapping people with talk about cereal and calories. Watching him yesterday was brutal. Brutal! The kid won't shut up!

After Andy leaves, McRae again starts whispering to Amanda, "Don't talk game. Don't talk game to anyone." Look buddy, Amanda is in there to play the game. She's a strong gal and unless you tell her what the hell is going on, she's going to continue to play. McRae insists, "It's done. Elvira is going home." Amanda replies, "You don't know that." McRae whispers, "Yes I do." Natrually, all of this frustrates Amanda to no end. In her mind, McRae is giving up which only makes her want to work harder to protect him. Out of frustration with one another the two decide to stop talking about this week's eviction. They're both safe so they'll wait and see what's on deck next week.

The day continues with some panic out of the Moving Company. Spencer tells McRae to get control of his woman. McRae assures Spencer that Amanda will vote to evict Elvira (he's lying - he doesn't know that she will). Elsewhere, Asshat is doing damage control with J-U-DD. Up in the HOH, Asshat tells J-U-DD that Candice has been talking shit about him and throwing him under the bus. She hasn't. At all. Asshat is worried about this week, next week and how J-U-DD is going to vote.

While Asshat is busy lying to J-U-DD, Eyebrows is behind him grinding her vagina against his back. Keep in mind, Eyebrows screams from pain every time she urinates. Something is going on downstairs with her - SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING HER PEE BLOOD - yet she still wants to grind her nastiness against her bohunk house boyfriend. She licks the spoon she is eating yogurt with seductively and wraps her legs around Asshat fearful that he'll walk away from her. Here is something you should know about Eyebrows - she is petrified of being known as a whore yet her knees haven't touched once since she's been in the house. If her legs aren't wrapped around Asshat, they're wrapped around a door handle or a couch cushion or a piece of lawn furniture.

And then we fast forward to night time. When the sun goes down anything can happen and by "anything", I mean "tittays". The Houseguests get some alcohol and after a day running from Andy, everyone needs to let loose - particularly Amanda.

With band-aids over her nipples and a fedora slanted sideways over her brow, Amanda delights the boys with a striptease. Before we get to that, let us analyze the above photograph when Amanda first drops her towel. After Nick screams, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!", he blushes and puts his head down. Spencer, however, can't contain his excitement so he does a jaunty white man dance that consists of him bouncing up and down a lot. Helen covers her eyes while Howard leans in closer getting ready for what comes next. Andy, for some reason, covers his ears while Jessie turns away in a jealous rage.

Back to the star of the show...

I'm not allowed to post naked photos of the Houseguests and Amanda isn't technically naked because she is wearing band-aids, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. You can check out the entire dance yourselves via Flashback - 7/7 11:15pm. You can't see it unless you have the Live Feeds though.

But you should know that motorboating was involved.

Desperate for attention of any kind, Jessie also tried to strip. Only, it kind of flopped and no one cared.

The night ended with Asshat and Eyebrows consummating their creepy love affair. Again, SHE IS URINATING BLOOD. Let's hope that whatever is going on with her has been passed on to Asshat and the two will be applying ointment to their nether regions for some time to come.

So, we had a fun night last night! What do you think about Spencer telling lies about everyone? Will McRae be forced to come clean to Amanda about the Moving Company? Will Elvira be saved for yet another week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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  1. Your first paragraph is an absolute classic. Just what I needed after facing a bummer of a week. Thanks.

  2. Breasts. Oh Amanda. You are all I wanted you to be.
    By this point in the game, it is naive for any of them to think that they can 100% trust anyone. Has Amanda flat out asked McRae why she should trust him? A handjob does not a permanent bond make.

    I'd love it if someone, anyone, would tell Kaitlin that she has a very liberal understanding of the term, "making out".

  3. "Desperate for attention of any kind, Jessie also tried to strip. Only, it kind of flopped and no one cared."...I dont know if I should LMAO or feel sorry for her. While it was once funny to see the self proclaimed "Im so pretty every female in the world is jealous of me" girl find out she really isnt, now its just kinda sad to see her so desperate for attention. Seriously, I waiting for her to start rubbing up against Spencer *gag gag gag*, thats how pathetically desperate she seems. But anyway, I dont get why these girls arent questioning why they are being told by certain guys not to talk game with anyone but them. That should be a giant red flag that something shady is going on and they are being played. At least Amanda seems smart enough to pay it no mind...I hope.

  4. The grossest thing is that Aryan went up and lay down in that bed shortly after Asshat & Eyebrows had their session...And had no clue!
    That skeevd me out beyond belief, but if there is justice maybe she rubbed those sheets just enough to catch some of whatever disease those 2 are brewin'.

    BTW- Aryan wants Asshat, no matter that she says he is a Dbag. She wants Kait OUT, she even said when she is MVP (HAHAHA!) she will put Kait up. Next week should be beyond awesome.

    TY for the blog LaLa!