Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Tally Me Banana
Day-o, Dayyyyyy-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day, me say Day-o. Daylight come and me want to go home. You can't tally Audrey's banana anymore, but you sure can make her want to go home, Day. Let's recap, shall we?
If you'll remember, yesterday the Evil Queen Audrey got into it with Jace the Jester as members of the court (specifically Merry Meg, Jason and Day) looked on. It turns out that Audrey has been stewing and stewing over how none of her minions came to her defense or threw rotten meat at Jace's head. I mean, that's what any good alliance member would do, right?
In her chambers, Audrey dwelled upon the night before and decided that the best thing to do would be to confront Day and ask her why she didn't pop a cap in Jace's ass last night. In the Have-Not room, Day stares at Audrey all bored-like while Audrey moans about people in the house giving Jace power. Day don't know nothing 'bout that. She's voting his ass home and has told him that to his face.
However, since we're here getting all real and into it, Day would like to know if Audrey has said anything negative about her to other people in the house. Audrey does that thing where she flings her hands wildly and clutches at her nonexistent pearls, "Me? I would never say anything bad about you. We're ride or die!" Day harumphs to herself and replies, "So that's your story? That's wachu gonna tell me. You stickin' to that?" Audrey frantically grasps at those invisible pearls some more and clears her throat, "Yes. I haven't said a thing to anyone. Ever! I'm a simple girl with a dream and last night I was a victim." Day says, "Well, I dunno about that, but my name was being dragged in the mud and my job last night was to stay out of it!"
Audrey then regains her composure and decides she needs to question Day about what's being said around the house. But before Audrey can get one word out, Day shuts her down, "Uh huh, boo. I ain't answering nothin'. I'm just staying out of it." Audrey says, "But who..." Day says, "Bitch, I just done said I ain't telling you shit." (Slight paraphrasing is my artistic right)
Audrey, staring into her crystal ball, looks up and says, "When I get HOH and I'm in a position of power, I don't want that to be why you come and tell me things." Day replies, "Wachu talking about, Willis? I'll tell you whatever I want to tell you whenever I want to tell you. Ya got that, boo?" Audrey mumbles and sighs, "OK."
And then something magical happens. Vanessa enters the room - wiggedy whack hat and all. Sensing the uncomfortableness in the room, Vanessa removes her hat and turns to the two other ladies, "While I have you here, this is a good time to bring this up. I was crying A-GAIN this morning and it's about that rumor." Audrey asks, "What rumor? Which rumor? Who's rumor?" Vanessa replies, "Well, the one you were saying specifically about me and Day and how Day told you I was in an all girl's alliance." Day perks up, "You told her that? Oh hell no!" And then she laughed inappropriately and reached into her boot for her nine.
Audrey then explains how Day came outside and said there was an all girl's alliance because the girls were all wearing black and getting ready to dance around the May Pole. Day says, "You lyin, bitch!" Vanessa says, "And I wasn't even wearing black!"
Day interrupts and addresses Audrey, "Wait, hold up! You just got done telling me that you ain't never said nothin' bad about me and now here's Cry Baby telling me you be talking mad shit about me this whole time. Is that correct? Is that what I'm extrapolating from this here conversation?" Audrey mumbles, "Well, umm, I..." Day laughs to herself and rises to leave the room, but not before delivering one last message. She turns to glance at Audrey over her shoulder, "Game on!"
With Day out of the room, Vanessa stares through her sunglasses and repeats, "I'm just really hurt. I was really hurt. Hurt. Me. Feeling. I could cry again." Oh god, please don't.
Day, having gone through the house fuming, returns to the Have-Not Room. Vanessa meekly walks up to her, "Just tell me, were you lying about the dancing under the May Pole. It's ok if you did." Day replies, "Bitch, I ain't never lied to you about no Satan worshiping women." Day then turns to Audrey, "True or False. I did NOT tell nobody nothing about them girls." Audrey replies... wait for it... "FALSE." Oh snap! Hide yo wife! Hide yo kids! Day reiterates to Vanessa that the only thing she ever said about her was that she didn't know where she stood.
Day is now satisfied. She has caught Audrey in a lie, but Audrey isn't rolling over just yet. She says again, "That's not true. Day told me you were in a girls alliance, Vanessa." Day smiles, "No I did not. That's fine though. I'm not worried. I'm not worried at all." Audrey says smugly, "Well, at least we don't have to pretend to be friends anymore." Wow!
Day then leans in one more time, "So you never told nobody that I said Vanessa was the head of an all girl's alliance?" Audrey replies, "No. Uh uh." Day hops off the dentist chair, "OK let's rally the troops!" Audrey sneers to herself, "Go for it. Whatever."
Day then returns with just about everyone in the house I think. Audrey tries to control the meeting first by saying, "Ok so Day is saying..." Day interrupts her and says, "Nu uh. I'm gonna speak."
Day: "Did she or did she not rally up all of you and tell you guys that Vanessa was at the forefront of this alliance?
Merry Meg: "Huh? What? I don't understand."
Male Voice: "Yeah, she did."
Vanessa starts crying.
Day: "Who gonna check me now, boo?"
Audrey: "Didn't Day sit on the couch and say, "Look at all the Satan girls wearing black."
Jason: "No, YOU said that."
Audrey: "NO I DID NOT!"
Jason: "You were the first person to say that!"
Audrey: "You are pathological. You really are."
Jason: "YOU are pathological! If you notice, you're the only one saying anything different."
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "We're awl corroborating stories and YOU'RE THE LIAR!"
Audrey: "Like what?"
Jason: "Awl the mistrust in this house has been planted by YOU!"
There was screaming and arms flailing. Clay hid under his cowboy hat while James didn't quite know what to do with himself. Jason pulled a top hat and cane out of his pocket and danced an interpretive dance of anger and chaos. It was beautiful. I was moved. Not quite moved to the point of tears as Vanessa has already used up our daily allowance, but nonetheless! The feeds came to life and Audrey is a pariah. It was a beautiful bunch o'ripe banana.
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