Saturday, July 5, 2014

Love Save The Queen

Power does strange things to people. Some people flourish and prosper finding that inner leader they never knew they had. Other people let it go to their heads and rule with a giant douchey fist hurling their ultimatums across the land. The difference between the two is the difference between peace and unrest. Now, I don't know about you, but when it comes to Big Brother, I'll take a stinking pile of disharmony and war over a boring hand-holding feeling circle. Let's recap, shall we?

Since the house had a very late night Thursday, the HG's slept away most of Friday. Admittedly, I was busy enjoying the holiday yesterday so I wasn't able to catch too much in the house. However, there are two incidents that cannot be ignored. For all the rest and an update on the entire last week in the house, with colorful commentary of course, be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10 PM. It'll be a doozy of a show. Promise. You can download episodes for free on iTunes. listen live via Mixlr, or stream it online using Stitcher. Check out Big Brother Podcast for the details.

Alrighty then, let's get down to business. Yesterday, as we all know, was the 4th of July. It is a holiday of hot dogs, barbecues, picnics, and mosquito repellent. We gorge ourselves on noodle salad and watch Uncle Horatio drink too many brewskis while feeling up the neighbor. The kids run around taunting the dog with sparklers while Aunt Fanny impatiently fans the flies away from her Ambrosia Salad. It's a fun holiday! It's an outdoorsy holiday. It is friends, family, neighbors and that weird kid from down the street who eats his own boogers and smells like soup. The 4th of July commemorates the adoption of the Declaration Of Independence. This is a good thing. It is not a sad thing. It is not Memorial Day nor is it Veteran's Day. We're not commemorating dead soldiers, lives lost, or the pain of a nation in wartime. We are celebrating pride and joy. Yay!

Unfortunately, we have an HG who didn't get the memo on what a truly joyous occasion the Nation's Holiday is. Instead, Caleb does what Caleb does best. He makes the holiday all about HIM. With Caleb no longer in power and the object of his obsession paying him no never mind, Caleb marches himself up to the HOH room, sighs dramatically for effect and plops down on the couch. Diva (Devin) is already in the room getting ready for the day by picking out his panties and garters. Caleb sighs again and this time he adds some sniffles for effect. Diva, for some reason, starts talking about raisins and how he likes to snack on almonds which *sniffle sniffle* makes Caleb finally break his silence. He tells Diva how his DR sessions are *sniffle* getting to him.

Frankie then enters and is fussing around in the bathroom doing whatnot when Caleb again dries his eyes dramatically and casually mentions that he's ex-military. He tells Frankie that he should probably go downstairs and tell everyone how special Caleb is how special this day is and how none of them better not say anything stupid. OK so first, this day is about all Americans, not just you Creepy Caleb. Secondly, this is not a Veteran's holiday! Your tears are about a month late considering Memorial Day was in MAY. Lastly, what do you suppose any of your fellow HG's would say that could possibly set you off? Let's run through some possibilities shall we?

Donny: "Ah sher don' lahk it when my gurlfren' burns mah hawt dogs. Ah throw them burned ones over tha fence to them soldiers hangin' around. Meddlin' stragglers!"

or perhaps

Jocasta: "In Jesus name we pray. Thank you God for blessing this day with macaroni and please forgive all those evil godless soldiers for they know not what they do."

or maybe

Amber: "On the 4th of July, I always stop and think about how I'd never ever ever date a military man."

Caleb, you are ridiculous. And in so many ways! No one in the house will say anything derogatory about the military because the day ISN'T ABOUT THE MILITARY. Furthermore, you are probably the last thing on your fellow HG's minds right now. If anything, your buddies in the house are missing barbecues with their families and seeing the fireworks with friends. Remember how Amber said that you were too into yourself? And remember how it angered you because you insisted nothing could be further from the truth? Well, I point to you making Frankie go downstairs to warn everyone not to piss you off on this holiest of Caleb holidays as Exhibit A.

People ask me all the time why I don't go on Big Brother and this situation is exactly why. If I was in the house and someone told me to tiptoe around delicate flower Caleb because the 4th of July is his holiday, I'd roll my eyes and burst out laughing. I'm the worst at hiding my true feelings so I just don't do it. I mean what I say and I say what I mean and that's why I would make the absolute worst Houseguest. Trust me, I have no doubt I'd be that week 1 evictee.

Frankie, bless his heart, actually does what Caleb asks and he tells his fellow HG's to tiptoe around Caleb on this here Caleb of July holiday. Throughout the whole thing, Caleb sits up in the HOH watching it all go down on the TV screen. His tears are gone and now he leers. It is only when someone comes up to talk to him do his tears return. Bravo Caleb! What a stunning performance.

Alright so with that out of the way, let's move on to douche number 2 and what everyone is tut tut tutting about this morning. We knew it would happen. We knew it was only a matter of time. Someone - and we all thought it would be Caleb - was going to pop off Tanisha style and it was going to be awesome! We waited patiently (or in my case, impatiently) knowing it was bound to happen and here it is. Woohoo!

So what you need to know is that Diva is hellbent on getting Brittany out of the house and she knows it. Earlier in the evening she told Payola (Paola) that Diva doesn't like that Brittany thinks for herself and isn't content letting others play the game for her. She has opinions and calls Diva out on his bullshit and he hates it. It is a threat to his game so he wants her gone as soon as possible. The problem with all of this is that Diva is making decisions on behalf on the Bomb Squad based entirely on personal reasons. This rubs several of the Bomb Squad members the wrong way because Diva is the one who is always telling the rest of them not to play personally, but strategically. We find Caleb and Derrick at the pool table talking about this very thing. They are annoyed with Diva's flagrant hypocrisy.

With both Payola and Brittany on the block, Caleb and Derrick wonder how Amber will vote so they head over to Amber where she sitting with Christine on the hammock to ask her. Amber pauses before finally saying Brittany. The one she really wants out is Diva because she feels like he's messing with her game. It should be noted here that Amber is manipulating Caleb a bit. By telling him that Diva is ruining her time in the house, she knows very well that Caleb will run to her rescue. Don't fool yourselves thinking Amber is Miss Innocent. She's knows exactly what she's doing.

Hearing this, Caleb replies that he knows that he and Diva will end up butting heads at some point purely because of how he talks to Amber. Amber then tells Caleb that she'd like to take him far in the game (Take him? Como what? She couldn't take a ladybug to the end of the game.), but that Diva stands in her way (huh?) and she can't ever talk to him because he never lets her speak (true). Caleb says that Diva is indeed his friend, but that he won't let his friend stand in his way of protecting his queen. *eyeroll* Frankie and Hayden then roll up and they all talk about how Diva is the only one who wants Brittany out. (Side Note: Don't they know that there is a simple way to remedy this? Don't vote out Brittany. There you go. Problem solved. Dummies.)

So this brings us to the good stuff. Caleb is back at the pool table and this time Diva is now outside with them. Caleb turns to Diva and says, "Some people are saying that you want to get rid of Brittany for personal reasons." Diva replies, "It was a personal reason. I said it was a personal reason." Caleb says, "Well, I think more people are wantin' Pow gone than Brittany." Diva says, "I don't care." He says that "it is what it is", but at the end of the day, it's all about who is more of a threat to the Bomb Squad. *beep beep beep* I interrupt this paragraph for a station identification..

I move that the phrases "it is what it is" and "at the end of the day" be stricken from the English language. All in favor say "Ay." *everyone screams 'Ay'* The Ays have it. We may now proceed...

And then Diva does something delicious. He says, "Pow over Brittany? That's stupid! That's stupid. It's because you're over there talking to Amber, bro." *bites fist* Oh no he di'in't! Oh yes he did! *claps hands* Surprisingly, Caleb doesn't really react and says, "Well, I mean..." Diva interrupts him and says, "No, it's because you're over there talking to Amber and that's where you're getting this from." Truth be told, Diva is kinda right. Caleb insists that Amber isn't a part of it and says, "I just remember the first Diva. He wouldn't put anybody up based on personal reasons."

The two then begin to bicker over who's the bigger threat. Caleb agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat, but some people may not think so. (I have no idea what point Caleb is trying to make. I hate to say it, but Diva is making way more sense here.) Derrick then interjects and says that Brittany will definitely nominate members of the Bomb Squad. Diva exclaims, "Exactly! Exactly!" Caleb mutters, "But..." Diva then tells him that this argument is stupid because everyone agrees that Brittany is the bigger threat and will come after them. Again, he's kinda right. Meanwhile, Caleb is busy "defending his queen."

Caleb keeps bringing up that Diva is making personal decisions while Diva keeps saying that this whole thing is stupid since they all agree. Caleb then says that maybe not everyone in the alliance agrees. Diva asks who. Caleb replies, "Who do you think? The two people you brought in." Diva says he just talked to Christine upstairs and she agrees with him. The only one who disagrees with it is Amber. Caleb replies, "Well, we should talk to Christine then." Diva says fine. He says that this is all Amber and that Caleb is lovestruck.

Diva watches Caleb play pool and says, "You're getting mad now." Caleb insists he isn't and says that whenever he brings something to Diva, Diva blows it out of proportion. He tells Diva that the girls are scared to death to talk to him because of how he talks to them. Diva has no idea what Caleb is talking about. Caleb says that Christine was scared and nervous to talk to him. The two bicker back and forth over Christine whether or not Christine was scared. (This conversation is SO stupid.) Caleb says, "At the end of the day Diva, it'll show in the votes." Does anyone anywhere have any idea what the hell Caleb is talking about?

Then Christine enters and Diva asks her point blank if she was scared of him. Christine says that she gets nervous any time anyone pulls her aside. Diva asks, "At any time we were in the room, were you afraid of me at all?" Christine chuckles and says no. Diva thanks her and then asks her how she feels about getting rid of Brittany. He says it wasn't a personal decision. It's just that he thinks Brittany would make the biggest moves. And this is where Caleb calls him out. Caleb says that earlier he said it was entirely personal and now he's saying it's not personal. (This is the lamest argument. The two of these meatheads are literally fighting over single words and how they agree on everything, but, hey, I'll take what I can get.) Diva then says, "Alright here, it's a little bit of both, bro. There you go! How about that? Are you happy? Are you satisfied?" Christine then hems and haws over how she's still undecided. Ugh, you're such a waste of an HG! Make a fucking decision. Play the damn game.

Diva then goes inside and Caleb and Derrick assure Christine that she did nothing wrong. Caleb then says that he should have just told Diva that everyone in his alliance wants him gone because of the way he treats people in the house. While that is a spectacular idea, you might not want to tell him that while he's HOH and can still nominate your ass. Derrick ends the discussion by telling Christine that the next time she talks to Diva, she should have another guy there. Why? Because we womenfolk can't be trusted on our own? Because we'll inevitably screw something up? Because you men are so much more level headed and smarter than us? Whatever.

Meanwhile, Frankie and Diva are now up in the HOH talking about the confrontation. Frankie begins, "What the fuck just happened?" Diva blames it on Caleb talking to Amber on the hammock. Frankie replies, "I know. I know." Diva paces and fidgets while talking with his mouth full (263 calories to be exact) about how he's the one who has always had Caleb's back when it came to Amber. Frankie laments about how it was unfair to drag Christine into it and Diva agrees. Diva insists that all he and Christine were talking about was Caleb and Amber. Frankie sighs loudly and comments how all of this makes him nervous. Diva chomps and says, "He's like a lovestruck puppy!" Frankie keeps repeating, "He'll be fine, he'll be fine. He'll come back around. He'll be fine."

Frankie moans about how everything was so perfect and they were sitting pretty until Amber. Frankie then says, "This has got to be all residual from that stuff that happened 3 days ago." It all finally makes sense to Diva and he immediately gets up and heads out the door. Frankie whines, "No stayyy. Stayyy."

Diva heads outside, pulls Caleb aside and says as plain as day, "There's no more alliance. We're done."

While it wasn't exactly Tanisha-like, it was at least something. At least we got a teeny tiny thump of something. It registered a -5 on the Richter Scale, but what can you do?

So, that's that. Will the boys kiss and make up today? Will Diva put a member of the Bomb Squad on the block if given the chance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Subscribe to the Big Brother Live Feeds


  1. So Diva decides the alliance is done and that's that? Does he expect the others to just split and go their separate ways? And thanks for what you said about July 4 being about independence and Freedom and not a veterans holiday. I support vets all the time, they are my main charity cause, but not every holiday is a solemn remembrance holiday. Some of them are just fun.

  2. I sure like my blanky. It belongs to my Queen, usually I take my souvenir after I kill em, but this girl's special. My ex boy Diva's been disrespectin my Queen and the other ladies. Everybody knows only I get to do that. So I gotta kill him. Let the Hunger Games begin, ain't gonna be no evictions!

  3. I'm sorry, but every time I look at Caleb, I have to remind myself that he called the president a "muslim monkey," and that therefore I shouldn't be giving this show two goddamn seconds of my time, and yet here I am. Oh, well. :(

    1. OMG! I hadn't heard that. OMG what a fucking loser. Please tell me he didn't say it on a patriotic holiday!

    2. Nah he didn't say it in the house. He posted it awhile ago on Instagram and it was found while the HGs were in sequester. CBS had the page taken down.

  4. Does CBS pump some patented crazy-making gas into the house when the cameras are focused elsewhere? What, exactly, makes either CalebMarie or Diva believe he's running this game? Why haven't the women---ALL the women, not just the ones wearing faux-nerd glasses---looked around at each other and decided that they could easily band together to run the house and run the meatheads out one by one? Don't get me wrong; the viewer in me loves watching Diva preen and CalebMarie pine, but my inner competitor (competor?) just shakes his head, befuddled by the dreadful gameplay and cowardice on display. They do understand that Diva can't legally pummel them, right? They have absolutely no reason to fear him, especially since they decided last week that he's the number-one target to be evicted, right? Can anyone explain why the houseguests cower before the might of the HoH each week, considering that he has, at best, one vote and an upcoming week of powerlessness?
    So, how long will it be before Diva sidles up to Amber to drive CalebMarie insane with jealousy? That seems like the kind of integral thing this integral father (did you know he has a daughter?) would integrally do. At the end of the day.
    In addition to the Bible, could the houseguests possibly be given access to a thesaurus each season? It might make their inane conversations a tad more tolerable...

  5. Hooray for your comments on the meaning of July 4! I'm working this summer at a store that offers military discounts. One old geezer showed me his military ID card and said, "it's the 4th of July, aren't you gonna thank me for my service?" I said," oh, did you fight in the revolutionary war? Because July 4 celebrates our independence." He didn't think it was funny, but the guy behind him did. What I WANTED to say was, "I'm working on the 4th of July, wanna thank me for MY service?!"

  6. Great post Collette. As an outspoken atheist, I'm sure I would be the first to go as well but I would have a helluva first week in the house!

  7. SO glad you are blogging this season again I may not always agree with you (Amanda Zuckerman) but I love love love you!

  8. Look. I love your blog and the podcast, but I have a problem. I listened to your podcast last night. I agree that Caleb is a man on the edge. However, I did not appreciate you saying "... I expected Caleb to get that, you know, his eyes to go black and everything to go blank and he was just going to get all PTSD on Devin...". Well, speaking as a veteran that is dealing with his own issues, you should know that PTSD faces enough of a stigma (both within and outside of the military) without you using it as a synonym for "crazy".

    1. As a reader of my blog, you are surely aware that I rarely take anything seriously. I take the everyday and turn it into something ridiculous that everyone can laugh at. If you can't laugh at yourself or the uptight society around you, you're probably not having much fun. Lighten up. Nothing I say is ever meant to hurt anyone. It's a world of fantasy. Smile and dive in.

  9. Ok, I'm sure you didn't intend to promote a negative view towards those that suffer PTSD. I hope your listeners and readers all have the same sense of ridiculousness and don't promulgate the term in a disparaging way as well.

    BTW... I think it is neck and neck between Caleb and Victoria for the first one to truly "lose it".

  10. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed the uncanny resemblance between Diva (especially in his watch cap and sweatshirt) and O J Simpson?

  11. Diva is bat shit crazy! The level of

  12. Caleb does do that twitchy eye thing. He and Diva are a real pair.