Escar-go-to-hell

What do you get when you put a girl who lost her face to an oncoming train in power with a girl who doesn't know how to piece two words together? A whole lot of nothing! That's what you get. Houseguests, you've got to give me something to work with. That's my one rule. Entertain me and I will write about you. Bore me and the glitter queen gets a day off filled with frolicking, cavorting and, quite possibly, day drinking. Let's try to recap, shall we?

Alright, so Shelli ("Wait, is that my name? Can you ask me another question instead? I'm drawing a blank") and Becky ("Whoopsie daisy, my nose fell off again.") are our two HOH's. Shelli wants to target Day while Becky would prefer to go after Audrey. Not only are their targets different, but their plans are different as well. Shelli has decided to straight up nominate Johnny Mac and Day. She's hoping that Johnny Mac will throw the BOB which leaves Day on the block and susceptible to eviction. Becky, on the other hand, has decided to nominate Steve and Jason in the hopes of backdooring Audrey and sending her and the roots of her shady tree on out the door. More on that later.

Since Becky has decided to nominate Steve a-gain, she has some 'splaining to do. Firstly though, I need to tell you about The Elephant. Becky has mysteriously decided to refer to Audrey as "The Elephant." Out of all of the animals in the animal kingdom, why an elephant? An elephant is a symbol of loyalty, strength and patience. Did you know that baby elephants stay with their mothers for at least 16 years? They're slow moving, majestic and not necessarily Chatty Cathy Lizzie Borden's like our Evil Queen Audrey. I would think a parrot or maybe an owl would be a wiser choice, don't you? Both are incessant and have a tendency to ask the same questions over and over again just like our Audrey.

Anyhow, poor defenseless Steve is back on the block and he is as flummoxed about it as we are. Becky explains that he was seen in the same room as Audrey and that is as good as guilty as far as this house goes. Steve replies, "I was just, you know, being human and standing in a room. That's all." Becky insists that it wasn't her idea that Steve and Audrey are in some super secret standing in the same room alliance. She says it came from other people. Other people she will not name. But trust, they are out there. All around us. OTHER PEOPLE. Oh stick a sock in it, Becky. Nominate whoever the hell you want, but don't coat it in foam latex and face putty.

As for Shelli, if Day manages to get off the block, then she'd like to target Jason instead. Day and Jason together are bad new bears and need to be split up as soon as possible. Having said that, Shelli is also totally down with getting rid of Audrey. We all know Audrey to be annoying and deceitful, but did you know that she is balls out malicious as well? If you'll recall on 'Tally Me Banana', there was a rumor of an all girl's alliance going around the house. In order to show allegiance to one another (and their dark lord), the girls would dress all in black. Well, Audrey Of The Devil People decided to take that word "black" and turn it into a racist thing. This bitch went around the house suggesting that Becky had formed a pseudo Ku Klux Klan who dresses all in black in order to hide their Confederate Flag underwear.

This is so fucked up - to turn something completely innocuous and innocent (and not to mention untrue) into something most reviled and, moreover, to pin it on someone who has done nothing wrong.

You and I and everyone else knows that the worst thing you can be called on a TV show is "racist." People lose their jobs over such accusations - whether they're true or not. They're cast out of the community, deal with death threats, and pretty much have their lives ruined. But here comes Audrey taking something not even remotely racist and twisting it into an ugly and untrue accusation all in an effort to shift the heat from herself to an innocent person. What surprises me most about this is that it stems from a person who has probably dealt with her fair share of gross and unfounded lies about herself throughout a good part of her life. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for lying in Big Brother. I even support manipulation and deceit within the confines of the game. What I don't appreciate is the blatant malice behind the deed. To purposely malign Becky's character in such a way when you know, and believe me, you know, Audrey, that Becky did NOT form a racist girl's alliance.

And even the way Audrey suggested it was just so slimy. It was a few nights ago when Jace was looking for some help and votes. Audrey slithered her hands up to her neck as she is often wont to do and says, "Well, there is this thing I know about Becky, but..." And then her voice trailed off waiting for whomever she was talking with to ask, "What? What about Becky?" Blech! Ick! Flergle! It was so smarmy. On second thought, a good animal to compare Audrey to would be the simple snail. She leaves behind a trail of goo and hideousness wherever she goes. And when she's threatened or senses that all of her lies and manipulations are about to bounce back in her direction, she cowers in her bed/shell until the predators forget she's around. But she'll return. She'll return to leave her gelatinous pathways in her wake.

So as of right now, Becky is on the warpath to get rid of Audrey while Shelli is off canoodling in a bed somewhere with Clay trying to form sentences. Day and Jason are furious that they are up for nomination and can't believe that Audrey is getting another pass - especially after proving how heinous she is. It looks like, for the most part, Becky is keeping her plan to target Audrey under wraps. She has told Steve and Jason to kick ass and win the BOB. It's a little bit confusing because Shelli is also quite vocal about how sketchy Audrey was spreading that rumor about Becky yet she's still going full throttle on trying to get Day out of the house. The way I see it, both girls want things to go their way and there is a definite divide between them. Shelli and her band of merry idiots are gunning for Day while Becky and whoever else is left is on Mission Audrey.

Personally, I'm not ready to lose either lady yet. I despise Audrey with every fiber of my being but she's a troublemaker and I could do with a few more weeks of that. As far as Day, we definitely can't lose her this soon. I can see her crushing the BOB today, can't you? You know what else I can see? That Kathy Griffin telephone ringing for the 7th time just as Audrey is walking by it. Clown shoe, anyone?

BOB is going to be HUGE today. You definitely don't want to miss the aftermath! At just $5.99, you have zero excuses not to sign up. I predict a glorious weekend of insanity. And, don't forget, if you have any Amazon shopping needs for whatever products strike your fancy, please click to get there through my links on the right. Thanks bitches!

Bust A Cap In Her Ass

From ancient Egypt to the reign of Napoleon, the humble bee has been a symbol of immortality and resurrection. But for our purposes, here in the Big Brother house, the busy bee will be a symbol of, "Bitch, slow your roll!" Buzzing this way and that, fluttering near your ankles, humming in your ear, the simple bee can be a real pain in the ass. Making zig zaggy pathways upstairs to downstairs back upstairs then back down again, the so-called Queen Bee of the house is destroying her game and getting on every person's last nerve. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began simply enough. Vanessa rose from a pile of ash just long enough to creep into the kitchen in search of a napkin or a coffee filter to nibble on before going back to bed. But slowly and surely the house did arise. Jace disappeared somewhere in the backyard probably trying to smoke the artificial turf blunt he made while the rest of the house flitted this way and that preparing for the day.

In the Have-Not Room, we found Liz and Austin having a conversation about how they need to recruit more people into their alliance. I like this twosome. Austin is actually normal when Jace isn't around and Liz isn't a dumb giggly girly girl like Meg, Shelli or Becky. Watching them talk and plan about maybe pulling Clay into the fold was exciting. Vanessa was another name mentioned. Sure, she's a crumpled kleenex, but she's also a vote.  They were being strategic. They were increasing their numbers. I had hope.

Then, Day (Da'Vonne) walks in to pick up some clothes or something. Out of nowhere she says to Liz and Austin, "Audrey is working this entire house." And then just like that, poof! She was gone. At home, I scratched my head and thought to myself, "Wait, I thought Day and Audrey were in a super tight secret alliance. Why would Day say such a thing? Is she bluffing? Is this a poker trick?" But then I started to remember how Day has been saying similar things to some other people as well. There is never a preamble or an epilogue, it's always just, "Audrey be talking some shit in this house yo." So maybe they are not the mighty duo I thought they were???

After that there was some yoga in the Living Room and then eventually the feeds went down for the big POV competition. And in that grand Big Brother tradition of never updating a Challenge EVER, it was the spelling comp. Remember, Jackie and Steve are on the block and the plan was supposed to be to throw the comp for Jackie to win. But out of nowhere, like a shot of Ritalin, Steve blows the competition to shreds (seriously, people were floored how he killed it) and wins with the word TROMBONISTS. Trombonists! Great fucking word. Good on you, Steve!

When the feeds finally return we find Audrey acting all weird and questioning everyone, "Who said that? Why are people talking like that? I didn't say that. Who is responsible?!" I looked around my Living Room at no one in particular and muttered, "What the hell is she talking about?" I turned to Twitter and asked, "What the hell is she talking about?" No one had answers. Neither my coffee table nor my Twitter confidants. But Audrey sure was fired up about something.

If any of what follows sounds confusing, just roll with it, because it is confusing and I still have no idea what the hell was going on, but it lasted for like 27 hours so we've got to try to work our way through it.

OK so Audrey grabs Jeff and pulls him into the Lounge. Audrey heard through the grapevine that Jeff said she was being sketchy. Jeff fidgets and is all like, "I didn't say that! Let's get Clay. He'll prove it." Then Clay comes in and Audrey asks, "Am I sketchy? Who's saying I'm sketchy? I'm not sketchy. Sometimes I like to draw portraits but that doesn't make me sketchy." Jeff and Clay were all, "We didn't say that. Jace and Austin did. Yeah, that's it. It was them!"


Look, here's what you need to know before we go on, everyone has been saying that Audrey is working the entire house. Everyone. She acts like the Queen Bee HOH and strategizes every second she's awake. She's playing too hard, too fast and, mark my words, it will bite her in the ass sooner rather than later.

So then Audrey, armed with this new info about Jace and Austin, runs back up to the HOH and is all like, "They said so-and-so said I was sketchy and why would they say it? Who started it? Sketch, sketch, sketch, can't I get some damn pastels already?" The flibberty gibbets up in the HOH are basically pussies so they're like, "Austin is up to no good. It's his fault!"

Then the Queen Bee buzzes back down to confront Austin. Austin was all like, "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't say shit." Audrey demands, "Get Liz in here!" Then Liz enters, "I didn't say shit, but you know what? Day was saying some smack earlier." Audrey shakes violently, "Day? Day?! Get Day in here!" Then Day enters and says, "I don't know what they're talking about, boo." And as quick as she entered, she disappeared. Audrey is relieved.

And then it literally just kept going like that - in weird circles - where Audrey questioned people and no one knew - especially me - what the hell was up her ass. And let's remember the most important thing - they just had the POV. Steve won and will remove himself from the block. Wouldn't you think that Audrey would slow her roll, keep HOH James happy, and ensure that Jace goes up and out? With a vacant seat on the block, the last thing I'd do is scurry hither and thither causing drama, but scurry she did.

Ok so then Day goes up to the HOH with Jason. She says something to the effect of, "This BITCH! Audrey!" Ohhh really? Ok then, so now we know. Day is not tight with Audrey. She's just playing her. Then Jason says something about Steve maybe being the start of all this and Day goes OFF. She says, "That nig... ummm, I mean, man." Yikes. She smacks her hand over her mouth and silently curses herself. Look, I don't care if Day wants to drop the n-bomb. I'm not uptight like that. She's black. She can say whatever the hell she wants. Plus, it was pretty damn funny at the time. What else it told us is that when Day gets hot, back the fuck away or you just might end up with a cap in your ass.

Eventually, James and Audrey start to trickle into the HOH and Day is still sitting there stewing. At one point she turns to Jason and asks him if it was really bad what she almost said. Jason assures her that she's fine. The conversation then turns to Jace and how it was probably his idea to spread a rumor that Jason would be backdoored. James then assures everyone that Jace will be going up on the block and that's that.

The drama starts to simmer down a bit with Audrey basically going room to room solidifying alliances with everyone she can get face time with. The funny thing is that the one alliance she holds dear - the one with Day - is the one that is blowing up her game. Day is stirring that cauldron. She's the troublemaker here, but what's kind of great about it is that no one realizes it's her! And when confronted, she just shakes her head and walks away.

I've got to end this here today. Lots to do, lots to do. Not to mention the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight where we will try to explain in detail everything you need to know from the past 2 days. Lawdy, lawdy. This house is a madhouse y'all and it's AWESOME!

If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, now is the best time because when Jace goes up on the block... hide yo wife, hide yo kids!

Steve: The Winner Of The Most Words Ever Spoken Is...

Next up is 22 year old College Student, Steve Moses. They're all so young this season, aren't they?

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

Shifty and uneasy, Steve talks fast, looks miserable, and wants this interview to be over with as soon as possible. He looks everywhere but the camera. At the wall, at the floor, at the couch, at the vent, longingly out the window wondering whether an escape is possible.

Steve seems perfectly nice and intelligent, but that doesn't really do much for me. I need personality and charisma. I need a medieval warrior looking guy with a swagger in his hips and a princess in a tower. Let's face it, do we see any bitch fights from this guy? Do we listen and think to ourselves, "Oh yeah, he'll run that house." No we do not which means he'll probably go super far in the game and bore me to tears.

And this next part I say out of concern, mom we might need to adjust his Ritalin dosage. The poor lad can't sit still! He speaks 2000 words every 10 seconds and looks like he wants to scratch the skin off his arms. This poor kid is going to drop over dead when his heart finally quits and explodes while he's racing to please Otev. I thought I had bad anxiety. Jesus, Steve makes me look like an embarrassment to angst.

Get those live feeds!