Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fools Are My Theme, Let Satire Be My Song - Lord Byron

Good day Big Brother fans! Another big day of drama to discuss. Let's get right to it.

Yesterday, as my Twitter followers know, I blipped a song in Casey's honor. It was Bananarama's 'Cruel Summer'. I thought it was pure genius. Come on, you know that shit is funny. Only 1 person responded with appreciative enthusiasm. Is it possible I'm not as funny as I thought? No, that couldn't be it... ;)

So yeah the Banana isn't doing well at all. He's getting more rotten as each minute passes. To everyone's surprise though, he actually began campaigning yesterday morning. He tried to convince Russell that Ronnie will eventually turn on the Athletes in the future. He said no one will have to know that Russell voted for him to stay. Russell could keep it a secret if he wanted to. Everyone lies in the DR. The whole pitch was akin to, "Please Russell, pretty pretty please, keep me in the house... I'll be your best friend... it'll be our secret." Russell just sat there quietly not responding. He did a lot of that yesterday as a matter of fact. Are the wheels spinning in that love muscle brain of his or is he just daydreaming of cougars and pantyhose draped over shower doors (Russell has a penchant for more mature ladies in case you didn't know)? Whenever I try to guess what Russell could be thinking about game play I'm always wrong. I'll just say he was dreaming about martinis, burgundy lipstick, and aquanet and move on. Casey ends the conversation saying, "I could start making stuff up. That's what Ronnie would do." Kevin, having seen Casey talking to Russell, shortly thereafter tells Russell, "I'm not going to vote for Casey to stay."

The day had officially begun with a bang and it wouldn't stop until well after 4am my time. Damn you bitches!

Remember the great chess conversation I outlined and posted here the other day? The one where the incredibly astute Kevin explained the subtle nuances of chess and Big Brother? I've always had a knack for picking the clips that'll either make the CBS show or come back to bite someone in the ass. Well, folks, I did it again. That conversation was the match to the Backdraft that was the house yesterday.

Late 2 nights ago Kevin and Lydia approached Michele. They made a pitch to her to cross over and join their fight to take down the Athletes. Kevin explained his chess metaphor to her thinking that, as an intellectual, she'd appreciate the thought that went into such a plan. Think again. Michele and her big old trunk of miserable cocktail dresses went right on up to the HOH and blabbed the whole plan to Jessie and his minions. Seriously Michele? You just did that? You bitch! You moth ball smelling bitch!

Natalie, probably thrilled to finally have some dirt on Lydia, went on the warpath. She was up in arms that anyone would dare try to take down her precious Jessie... especially if that "anyone" was the mean and evil Lydia. She pulled Lydia into the storage room and gave her a good talking to. Lydia, donning her Madonna "Who's That Girl?" hat, didn't even hesitate. Kevin, come here please. Lay down right here on this bus route. Just sit tight because a double decker will be along shortly.

Oh Lydia... *shakes head* Why? You reel me in and make me like you again and then you pull something stupid like this. Why, in the name of all that is holy, would you turn on your main gay? Don't you know that turning on your gay is like skinning an innocent kitten? You just don't do it! She told Natalie the details of the entire chess conversation that I had taken such delight in. You bitch Lydia! I get that she was trying to save face, but I don't get why Natalie can make her crumble so easily. Couldn't Lydia have just made something up? Natalie is a little gossipy pipsqueak. You should never tell her anything of value EVER!

Kevin got a whiff that something stinks in Burbank -something other than Chima's Jean Nate - so he pulled Natalie into the HOH bathroom to try to put out some fires. The rumor has spread in the house that Kevin wants Natalie out. Sure, it's true, but the house isn't supposed to have this privileged information. He tells Natalie that he's never ever ever said he'd nominate Natalie, Jessie, Chima or Lydia. Kevin tells Natalie that he just tried to get a read on what Michele would do if she wins HOH. Natalie, completely lies, and tells Kevin that she trusts him and takes everything he says at face value. (I know she's lying because immediately afterwards she says, "If I win HOH, Kevin is going up.") Kevin lays the blame on Casey and Michele calling them "uber sheisty" for spreading falsities. He tries to get Natalie to admit that Michele spilled the beans about the whole chess convo, but Natalie doesn't fall for it and reveals nothing.

Meanwhile outside, Jordan goes up to Chima and asks why people are spreading rumors about Kevin wanting an alliance with her. Chima immediately goes up to the HOH to confront Natalie. She's pissed that Natalie is running her mouth to everyone. She calls out Natalie in front of Jessie, Russell, and Ronnie. Russell and Jessie take Chima's side and agree that Natalie needs to shut her huge ass mouth and stop talking shit to everyone. Natalie gets all defensive and wants to have another Algonquin Round Table meeting to confront Jordan and find out who the liar is - just like they did with Ronnie. Jessie and Co. immediately nix that idea telling Natalie to calm the fuck down.

Natalie, clearly not calming the fuck down, marches downstairs and tries to press Jordan for answers. Jordan, with her tummy spilling over her shorts, just stammers and makes no sense whatsoever. It's clear Natalie is trying to get Jordan to blame Lydia or Kevin. She is just itching to have a reason to blow up to Lydia. Jordan, surprisingly, doesn't reveal any information. She refuses to give Natalie the ammunition she's looking for. Natalie assures Jordan that if she wins HOH she won't put Jordan on the block. Why does Natalie always say this? I swear, everyday the phrase, "If I win HOH..." escapes her lips at least 100 times. Natalie precious, you have yet to win HOH. You're not the bad ass you think you are. Talk about winning all you want, but I have yet to see it happen.

Immediately after Natalie tries to get dirt on Lydia, she's waddles back up to the HOH all heated and emotional. Russel and Jessie lay into her again telling her to stop starting shit all the time. She needs to shut up and stop confronting everyone. The more she goes on yammering away, the more pissed off the house gets. The Athletes already have a huge target on their back. They don't need Natalie making it even worse. Suddenly BB makes an announcement, "Michele please go to the Diary Room." Russell says, "Oh my god I want her out." Everyone laughs. Ronnie leaves the conversation and then Russell immediately regrets having talked so much game in front of Ronnie. It was kind of nice to see Russell stress a little about the game. It's so rare we get a glimpse into his master plan that when we finally do, it's fascinating. He hates that he just revealed some of his cards in front of Ronnie. He knows Ronnie has the potential to spin anything he says into something that can be used against him in the future. Russells M.O. is to tell other people very little. That way he can never get caught in a lie.

Natalie, not giving a shit about anyone other than herself, is still harping on about Lydia. Everyone in her alliance has basically told her to shut up but it's fallen on deaf ears. Natalie wants to go and call Lydia out NOW. Chima and Jessie tell her that it's stupid to call anyone out right before a new HOH. If Natalie has a huge fight with Lydia and then Lydia wins HOH, Natalie is in deep shit and will definitely be on the block. Finally! Common sense. I can't believe that came out of Jessie and Chima's mouths, but that's what I've been saying since Week 1. You don't instigate big ass fights right before a shift in power. Natalie just says, "I want to punch Lydia". Jessie replies, "Well don't take it out on me."

Jessie's girl problems are far from over. The confrontations yesterday just kept coming. This time it was Lydia's turn. Completely pissed off by the conversation she had with Natalie in the storage room, she sits on Jessie's bed and waits patiently for him to come out of the bathroom. She then turns to him and says, "You completely fucked me." *Lala snickers* Yeah, he fucked you, but I don't know about how completely. Ba dum bum!

Lydia lays into Jessie and here's what happened:

Later Jessie again has a talk with Natalie. He tells her to stop picking fights with Lydia. He says Lydia has gone to bat for them so many times and Natalie can deny it all she wants but it's true. Natalie just shakes her head and calls him naive. I am PRAYING, and I don't pray, that Lydia wins HOH. Will she have the balls to put Natalie on the block? Will Natalie begin kissing her ass? Will Jessie become a more attentive lover? These are questions I need answered this week.

Oh but I can't dwell on the next HOH. I haven't the time because yet another drama is brewing.

OK so Kevin and Lydia are now the talk of the house and if they don't do some damage control pronto then they are up shit's creek. They concoct a brilliant plan which will get them off the hook and hang Michele out to dry. Kevin needs to assure Jessie that he and Lydia are not after the Athletes (even though they totally are). He says he's going to go to the HOH and tell Jessie that Michele is to blame for everything. How delicious. She's so useless and boring. Blame everything on Michele I say! Kevin is going to tell Jessie that Michele completely misinterpreted the chess conversation. He'll say that she was half asleep and doesn't know what the hell she was talking about. He'll throw in that she said she'd put Jeff and Jessie on the block just for good measure. The Jeff nomination is true. Michele wants him out, but the Jessie one is completely fabricated.

At home sitting in bed, I was captivated. I couldn't wait to see if Kevin managed to pulled it off. Chatters and Showtime viewers alike were glued to their screens. Kevin goes into the HOH where Chima and Jessie are lying in bed. He lets out a big dramatic sigh and unfurls the most beautifully crafted monologue I've ever heard. He's sharp, he's direct, he's matter of fact, he's witty, he's charming, he's self deprecating, he's flowery, he's charismatic, he's a vision in aqua and magenta. Lord Byron would have been jealous. Jessie was smitten. He eyes were open wide, he was giggly and blushing, he was so captivated by everything Kevin was saying. It really was a truly beautiful moment. Look at this face and tell me that's not love:

Kevin says Michele is the female version of Ronnie. Who knows what the hell she's thinking? She'a a bitch and her allegiances change daily. If the wind blows, Michele's alliances blow with it. Jessie is enchanted. Anyone who comes into the HOH and kisses Jessie's ass in a roundabout way enchants him. The way to Jessie's heart is through Jessie. Kevin assures Jessie that he would only nominate Ronnie and Jeff. Jessie asks him, "Who's your third choice?" Kevin replies, "Oh Michele! That dumb bitch. Actually, she might be my number 1 now." Chima and Jessie clap and giggle and with that Kevin leaves the HOH. As soon as the door is shut Chima turns to Jessie and says, "I believe him." Bravo Kevin! *Lala throws flowers at his feet*

Are we done yet? No. Hell no.

This brings us to Ronnie, Lydia and Kevin in the splash room. Ronnie is back to running his mouth like there is no tomorrow. That week when he was locked away in the HOH he wasn't sad and depressed, he was recharging his shit stirring batteries. Ronnie is back and in full force. He was bored and looking for shit to stir and only Lydia and Kevin would accomodate him. He immediately lays into Russell and Casey saying that they need to leave. He tells Lydia and Kevin he's never lied to them (lie) and he doesn't shut up for the next half hour. Little does Ronnie know that Russell and Casey are on the other side of the door listening to every single word they are saying. Oooops. View the magic for yourself:

After all that Casey unleashes on Ronnie. Ronnie fights back. Casey bitches and moans. Lydia screams at him telling him to shut up already. Yes, he's on the block, but just shut the fuck up already. LOL Lydia has a couple of moments where I really like her. Occasionally, I can still see that cool girl from the pre-interview and she's delightful and funny. Those moments are so brief though. I'm still really annoyed she threw Kevin under the bus. If she has the balls to put both Jessie and Natalie on the block should she win HOH, then I will fucking love her again. Until then, she's lucky as hell that Kevin is as smart as he is.

I can't end this without discussing that huge announcement thing on the CBS show last night. Everyone is assuming it's the end of the cliques. Some are bitching that the termination of the cliques isn't HUGE at all. To the viewer only watching CBS, ending the cliques would be huge. Only a very small percentage of BB fans watch the feeds religiously and follow masterpiece blogs likes mine. Most people are still shocked when nominations get revealed on Sundays. I see it every week on Twitter. The #BB11 tweets multiply tenfold and it becomes a trending topic. For example, Casey going up last night was SHOCKING to millions of people. They literally had no idea.

So are the cliques ending going to be the huge announcement? Does CBS have something else in mind? Someone in the chats suggested that maybe the teams will now be a 'Battle Of The Sexes' type thing. The HG's were given special footwear for this weeks HOH competition. Red for boys. Blue for girls. Is that a sign of something to come?

Or perhaps there will be a schoolyard team picking kind of thing? Maybe they'll be able to pick their own teams or maybe they'll all simply begin to play as individuals. No matter what the announcement will be, I have no doubt that it will change the game. Even if it's something as simple as terminating the cliques. Jeff without his Athlete support would be especially vulnerable. We'll all be tuning in on Thursday to find out. That's for sure.

A super special thanks to Shea, the most awesome clip girl on the planet and a shout out to @Cfahooligan at Twitter. Thanks ladies!

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  1. why o why do i take the time to write brilliant comments when they go unnoticed lol imo casey could have done better with his calling out of ronnie and im glad he is making a stink so far everyone that is up is like ok im gone da dee dee jesse will win this whole thing if these hgs dont start doing something dont get your hopes up about lydia going against the atheletes if she wins hoh it will just be another week of jesse in power i cant stand girls that just melt and get all goo goo ga ga when a guy pays attention to them if they seperate and no more cliques i hope russell gets rid of jesse or nat o i cant stand her thanks again for all the time you take to write this blog

  2. Nothing you write goes unnoticed. :)

  3. omg. nice punctuation eber. ;)

  4. And what a masterpiece it is, lala!

  5. I liked Lydia, I did. When I first saw her throwing down compliments to Jesse about how "epic" his body was, I knew her to be a smart girl. The veil has been lifted. She lost all control once he got inside her. She gets her props back when she realizes that while Natalie has his ear, she's got his cock. and that alone should stop these meltdowns. Excellent as always Lala.

  6. Nice Madonna reference in there, lol! The announcement is probably just cliques ending.