Friday, July 31, 2009

That Not So Fresh Feeling

The big banana has split and America has been given power. *waves fist into the air and mutters "finally"* We all rolled our eyes at the dissolution of the cliques. Yawn. How prosaic of you CBS. But then... hark! The Chenbot gave us a faint glimmer of hope. She gave us pure unadulterated power. Megalomaniacs everywhere rejoiced and showed up en masse to vote and vote and vote for none other than the black boxer brief Abercrombie & Fitch sometimes eyeglass wearing resident stud. Jeffy Pooh needs your help America and you've responded. You've responded so loud and clear that if I see another "Vote Jeff" tweet someone will have to pay.

Clever of CBS to air the saccharine sweet cavity inducing Jeff and Jordan family clips immediately before announcing America can award a Coup D'etat. Don't think that wasn't planned to shut you all up. The constant bitching over the Athletes winning everything finally got to someone over there in Allison Grodner's funhouse and this Coup D'etat is most definitely her olive branch to you. So vote and vote often. Puppies and baby pandas everywhere will fall over dead unless you ensure that America will get to enjoy a few more weeks of Jeff and Jordan. Be advised though that if Jordan doesn't stop stuffing her face with absolutely everything she sees, their cutesy potentially beautiful baby making flirtation will come crashing to a complete halt. It's better for everyone involved (especially Jeffy Pooh) if Jordan doesn't get too tubby. This isn't More To Love people.

That brings us to the HOH. It was violent, messy, and uncomfortable - basically everything I love in a good endurance competition. It took forever for the Live Feeds to turn back on which ignited more cries of, "Why do I pay for this if they don't show us anything?" You all know how I feel about that. A swift kick to the face with a golf shoe is the only way to solve a problem like that. The feeds did flicker for a millisecond towards the beginning. Long enough for us to see that Kevin had fallen. Damn. I was rooting for him, but seriously how long could he have really lasted? The good news for Kevin is that he won the $5000 so way to go Kevin!

When we finally did get a good chunk of feed time what we saw was horrifying, shocking, and made me laugh my silly little heart out. Lydia was down, but that's not why I laughed. Did you ever see that movie STAND BY ME? There's a very funny part in that film where Gordie is telling a story about a character named Lard Ass. Lard Ass decides to get revenge on the town by downing a whole bottle of quinine before entering a pie eating contest. I think you all know where I'm headed here. Someone in the HOH competition vomited and it started a chain reaction. Michele was hurling, Jordan started gagging, Lydia was puking on the sidelines, Jessie ran to a corner and dry heaved, Ronnie caught a whiff of it all just as he rammed into the diploma and the stench was so powerful he came crashing down. Ok so I seriously didn't make up any of that last sentence. That is the god's honest truth of what really happened. Great, huh?

The puke fest even started to affect people in the chats. LOL People had to step away from their laptops and fight back the vomit creeping up their throats. Well played CBS. Well played. I'd like to know who the sadistic, clearly insane, new competition inventor is on this seasons Big Brother. This delicious morsel from heaven also gave us the zit competition. Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine promotes a slightly mad war vet to copy writer for her catalog? He writes graphic horrifying little stories to sell the J. Peterman wares. Well, that's what I'm picturing the new lunatic in the Big Brother family production team to look like.

The next casualty was the one that delighted viewers and infuriated Jessie. Natalie's sandwich making ass was down! Hooray! Oh she was so pissed. She kept muttering phrases like, "I could have been on there until tomorrow if there hadn't been any water". Yeah ok. Keep telling yourself that you tiny spawn of satan. Who's the bad ass now Natalie? No, no mirrors for you. You are ALL TALK and zero game with your head so far up Jessie's asshole. Now shut up and let me enjoy my vomiting. And enjoy I did... Michele started puking again and Jordan fell shortly thereafter.

Michele, holding on for dear life, and probably suffering multiple orgasms with that rope in between her legs accidentally kicked the diploma at one point. In turn, the diploma smashed right into Chima causing her to flip over the it and land completely upside down. I've got to hand it to the girl. Legs akimbo, weave a mass of tangles, Chima held on and managed to flip herself back upright.

Natalie, the patron saint of all things fair, the girl who wanted to wear a suit made of garbage bags, yells out in her raspy annoyingness for Michele to stop kicking. Oh bitch, shut up already! Ronnie then chimes in and becomes cheerleader extraordinaire. "Come on Chima! You can do it Chima! You're awesome Chima! Keep it up Chima!" Scared much, Ronnie? He is SO terrified this week it's not even funny. He clearly thinks Chima is on his side and his cheerleading was so over that top that you know everyone in the that house knew what he was doing... kissing ass.

The final four of Chima, Michele, Jeff, and Russell lasted for quite a long time. Michele kept moaning everytime she hit the diploma. I think we all know what that means. Her eyes were rolling back into her head, her legs were gripping that rope even tighter, and Michele was having a special private little joyous moment. You go girl. Whatever gets you through the day.

Very shortly after that, the yellow and nauseatingly sad Michele dropped. She did not look good at all. A woman can only take so many rope induced orgasms before plummeting to her demise.

This brings us to our Final 2 and to my first big "way out there" prediction of the game. It's down to Jeff and Russell. Live Feeders are screaming, as if Jeff can even hear their menopausal rants, for Jeff to hold on for dear life. I, on the other hand, know that Jeff has nothing to fear at all. Mark my words. Russell is going after Jessie this week. It's Week 4 and we all know what that means. It's the last eviction before the Jury House. It's the anniversary of Jessie's BB10 farewell. It's the week that he's been dreading ever since he walked back into that house. Don't think that Russell isn't very well aware of all this and don't think that he hasn't waited for this week to come. Russell wants Jessie out of the house this week.

It's the Final 2 and they're ready to start making some deals. Russell asks everyone to leave because he wants to talk to Jeff in private. Natalie bitches, "But I came out to give you support. Fine. Whatever." Oh just die already you wretched little beast. So everyone is inside and Russell and Jeff are having a man to man on the swings. Russell tells Jeff that he was the single vote for Casey. He gave Casey his word and he stuck to it. He doesn't want anyone else in the house to know - just Jeff (and maybe Jordan). He says Casey left him one of his shirts and he'll show it to Jeff after the game. Jeff is surprised, but not quite ready to drop yet. He doesn't feel 100% safe.

Jeff keeps saying, "Let's do rock, paper, scissors man." but Russell said he'd be mad if he lost doing Roshambo. Jeff agrees and says he'd be pissed too. Russell then tells Jeff that he doesn't really care about the HOH room. He just really wants a letter from his "pops" who just had neck surgery. Russell is extremely close to his father and he wants to know how he's doing. The boys don't quite come to an agreement and they endure another round of water and smashing into the diploma.

During the next lull in the competition, they talk again. Russell swears on his father's life that he will not put up Jeff or Jordan. That's good enough for Jeff and down he goes. We have ourselves a new HOH people. Russell be thy name. The competition ended up lasting just over 3 1/2 hours. Russ has an impossible time getting off the swings as his shorts are all tangled up and he can't really move his legs. Jessie, in full ass kissing mode, offers to carry Russell back into the house. Witness the final drama for yourselves:

Remember how the first 5 people who dropped got to pick a surprise envelope? Well, we already know Kevin won the $5K, but Jordan picked herself up a nifty little prize too. Jordan has the sole power to decide which three HG's will be the Have-Not's. In true Jordan fashion, she completely fumbles and somehow accidentally makes her way to a decision. She decided to put all the names in a hat and simply pick three. She picked Natalie, Kevin, and Jeff. Jeff? Whoopsy Daisy. How did Jeff's name get in there? Restart. She picks another name. This time is Jessie. Oh hell no. Jessie demands that he and Lydia do rock/paper/scissors to decide who goes on slop. Such a gentleman. Is a hand job worth nothing these days?

Lydia refuses to do rock/paper/scissors so they decided to guess whichever number Jordan is thinking of. Lydia says 13. Jessie says 12. Jordan was thinking 15 (probably not) and The Fall Of The Manbeast has been initiated. Jessie is PISSED. He immediately throws a tantrum. Lydia says, "If you're going to be a big baby about it, I'll take it." I started screaming, "No Lydia! Don't give him what he wants!" Well, she must have heard me (because I'm magical) and now Jessie remains on slop. Oh how delicious. Those of you not in the know will be dazzled this week by the various amounts of tantrums Jessie will throw. Jessie does not do well at all on slop. He loses 80 pounds and all his muscles disappear. It's a moment in time that truly brings a tear to my eye. Mini violins around the world all join together to weep out their tragic tunes.

Jessie sulks off to the Spa Room with Natalie hot on his heels. She declares that she's not taking a shower all week because she refuses to take a cold shower. Oh that's just way too easy. Enter your own "Natalie doesn't shower anyways" joke and have a blast. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee and are in full bitch mode. Jessie is going on and on about how it's so unfair that he can't compete to win in the Have/Have-Nots. Big Brother is a fucking fucker who can't break down the HOH competition fast enough to set up a Have/Have-Not competition. He says, "I can't believe I'm on slop. Now I have to suffer. If I got out this week, I'm going to strangle one of the three that did it." Jessie shouldn't have to suffer because of Big Brother's incompetence. How dare they! I mean, he's the great and wonderful Jessie and whatever Jessie wants, Jessie should get.

Natalie, not to be out-bitched, starts complaining about having to sleep next to Kevin, a GAY man. She doesn't want to jeopardize her relationship and disappoint her father. Is this bitch for real? Honey, your relationship was jeopardized the first time you licked Jessie's taint. That finger you have constantly up his ass? That's pissing off your father NOT sleeping next to a gay man. You know what? Natalie and Jessie are PERFECT for each other. It's really a match made in heaven. They can sit for hours wallowing in their disappointment of how the world doesn't treat them right and live happily ever after. They'll have sad bitter little ungrateful children and their misery will live on for generations to come. I said this before and I'll say this again. This week is the beginning of the end for Jessie. It's going to be his worst week imaginable in Big Brother. I, for one, can't wait.

After what seemed liked forever, Russell finally got his HOH room. It was filled with sweets, pajamas, blankets, pillows, and, quite possibly, the coolest letter ever. His whole family sent him little notes and his sister mentioned how all of her single girlfriends are glued to the TV watching Russ. This made everyone laugh and Jessie die a little inside. Please to enjoy...

So that's where we are folks. Natalie and Jessie are in their own private hell. Russell definitely has something up his sleeve. He may nominate Ronnie and Lydia and then backdoor Jessie. I have no doubt that Jeff will win that Coup D'Etat and it may not even get used if Russell does what I think he'll do. There is one thing I know for absolutely sure: It's going to be a long ass weekend of Jessie incessantly complaining. Get ready for some fun boys and girls because you haven't lived until you've encountered Jessie on slop!

To see more clips from the Endurance Competition, please visit Shea's page over at Clipser:

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  1. My initial reaction was to call bullshit on your claim that Russ will gun for Jessie this week...but then I remembered Russell after the comp one on one telling Ronnie not to worry. You may be on to something there lala?

  2. Why is it that while I read I come up with great things to say but then when it's time to actually type them out, they are gone.

    So what I do remember is I don't understand Natalie's deal with water. I could understand if it were a swimming comp where she could actually drowned. But water spraying out from above in any form or fashion (ie shower or comp) scares her to death. And I hope that she is on her period this week while she doesn't take a shower. They will want her out next. I hate listening to her complain and whine and think she is above everyone else, but I love how it will cause the house to turn on her.

    And am I mistaken or was part of the deal made with Russ and Jeff, that Ronnie goes up? Or maybe that was just them talking and agreeing they hate the same person. And I have yet to figure out if Russell really does want Ronnie gone or if he's still pretending he does.

  3. If there is one person that confuses me the most its Russell.

    With Ronnie or against

    With Jeff or against.

    I think he is an open book and the one wild card this season.

    If Jessie gets nominated I hope Russ gives him a crappy poem like he did with Casey.

    I loved when Jessie was scolded by Casey, and he did a great job on Ross's show.

  4. What a night, huh. Am almost as happy as I can be. Just a little worried bout Russ. Yes, they did both say they wanted Ronnie out. I just can't be as positive about his feelings bout Jess as you are. I'm trusting your judgement, you're always right. But I haven't figured Russ out yet, he is way too much a question to me. Sorry bout your shoot being cancelled, but the good side is, you'll have more time for us. love ya, sweets

  5. i dont know what to think of russ but i dont see him getting rid of jesse yet i think he will go for ronnie first i just dont trust him after listening to him in the hoh with jesse nat is so gross i want a huge fight between lydia and nat and they both get tossed heck throw em all out start over