Monday, July 27, 2009

A Game Of Kings And Queefs

Once in a while a day comes along that changes EVERYTHING in the game. Yesterday, my lovely readers, was one of those days. No dilly dallying, lots to discuss.

We start our day with Chima and Jessie lying in the HOH. They're talking about how Lydia and Kevin could vote to keep in Casey. Jessie notes that Lydia "has no enemies. She's sitting pretty." First off, he totally stole my line. Secondly, he's almost correct. Sure, Lydia has no real enemies, but she's extremely vulnerable. Her position is definitely not one of power. More on that later.

So yesterday was Chima's birthday and I could really give a rat's ass to be honest with you. Big Brother gave the HG's decorations and cake so they could surprise Chima with a little party. Ronnie's mission was to keep Chima occupied in the HOH while the other HG's put streamers everywhere and got into the party spirit. Ronnie and Chima's conversation quickly turned to game and all things unsavory. Chima instantly begins dogging Casey for pretending to be black. She calls him an "ignorant buffoon" and says things about him being a role model for his students. Ronnie, a teacher himself, begins to say that Casey should lose his job for the way he's acted in the house. This instantly rubbed chatters the wrong way. Casey has a family and Ronnie hasn't exactly been the epitome of a moral compass either in the house. I think that when you're in the house, all bets are off. Be as wretched as you want as long as you don't bring race, personal backstories, and anything physically harmful into the game. Braden's Beaner Fight is a perfect example of something that does NOT belong in the house. Ronnie lying to everyone, on the other hand, is fine. If that is how he wants to play his game, I don't care just leave Casey's personal life out of it.

The BB house is decorated with streamers and it's all very festive. Big Brother has even given the Brains permission to eat party food for exactly one hour. The HG's are excited that Chima will get to eat cake. They're insistent she'll be thrilled. Not so fast buttercups. This is Chima we're talking about here.

Natalie goes to get Chima and Ronnie in the HOH, but Chima declares she has to poop. It's like pulling teeth trying to get her down the stairs. She sees the streamers and says, "What is this?" Uhhh, what do you think it is bitch? She takes a look around sees the cupcakes and instantly gets pissed. How DARE you throw her a birthday party when she's not cute, when's she's not told in advanced, when she's been sleeping all day, when she has to poop, when she hasn't given you the royal decree that a birthday party is ok in the first place! Oh. My. God. I wanted to slap her so hard. What an ungrateful cunt! Way to be a buzzkill Chima. Never has a surprise party gotten so ugly so fast. After that it was just depressing and sad. Chima read a letter from her grandmother, but you know deep inside she was thinking, "I can't believe they didn't let me fix my hair." Bitch.

This brings us to the best and most perceptive moment in this game so far. Anyone anywhere still saying that Kevin isn't playing this game is completely, without a shadow of doubt, 100% wrong. Lydia and Kevin are sitting outside on the couches and they begin to discuss their positions in the game. They feel like Jessie can turn on them at any moment and begin to discuss aligning with Jeff and Jordan. Kevin, smart as a whip, has it all figured out. He says that Big Brother is a human chess game and right now Natalie is the Queen and Jessie is the King. That's exactly how I feel! When friends of mine comment on my obsession with the game, I always say BB is a human chess game filled with complicated strategy and moves. That's why I watch. That's why for 10 weeks out of the year I become obsessed with it. It's all about completing complicated maneuvers and how one goes about achieving those goals.

In chess, each chess piece has it's own style of moving. Some pieces are more limited than others only able to move in a restricted fashion. The King and Queen have the most options available moving wherever they like and manipulating the rest of the pieces to their advantage. Kevin has realized that he and Lydia are very restricted at this moment in time. Lydia has the power of a Bishop or Rook while Kevin is more like a pawn. He's fine with that because a pawn in nonthreatening and no one goes out of their way to destroy a pawn.

The Athletes have basically cornered Lydia and Kevin. If Ronnie was to win HOH, he won't nominate an Athlete and he can't nominate anyone on his own team. Who does that leave? Right! Kevin and/or Lydia. Saving Ronnie this week makes them extremely vulnerable next week. Lydia wants to make a move to get Chima on her side. Kevin thinks it's futile. Chima is already too close to the Athletes. Lydia wants a fight to happen amongst the Athletes. It's all a numbers game and the Athletes numbers need to be broken up as soon as possible.

Kevin wants to create alliances with people who will look after him. Right now the people he's aligned with would stab him in the back the first chance they got. Kevin insists the Athletes are playing 3 moves ahead in this human chess game. Lydia and Kevin are playing only one move ahead. Chess strategy consists of setting and achieving long term goals while staying steady and focussed on the immediate game in front of you. Balancing the long term with the immediate is the key to success in Chess. It's also the key to success in Big Brother.

They come to the conclusion that they need Jeff and Jordan. Kevin thinks he can also get Michele onboard. He warns Lydia that Jessie will turn on her at any moment and put her on the block. He thinks it's fucked up and, unless the cliques change, Kevin and Lydia are in serious trouble. They also want to play on Russell's paranoia and try to turn him against Jessie. Jessie and Ronnie play like computers. They only have their eye on the prize. Lydia, Chima, Kevin have been playing emotionally. It's turned them into pawns and therefore easily expendable. It's a facinating conversation that cannot be missed. Thanks to Bloodydove and BB11_Unleashed for the tip and thanks to Shea at Clipser for the clip.

What happens next sets the ball rolling for the rest of the day. Lydia tells Jordan that Jessie is thinking of putting up Casey rather than Ronnie. In true Jordan fashion, she immediately runs and tells Jeffy Pooh. After a sadly pathetic Margarita Party, complete with sombreros and pinatas, Jeff tells Casey of the Athletes new plan. Casey is honestly stunned. I was honestly stunned. I thought Casey had an inkling that this could happen. He's been in such a wretched mood ever since Thursday... long before he got that banana suit. Was it really his lack of cigarettes that put him in such a funk? I really thought he knew something was up. Turns out, he didn't have the foggiest. Casey immediately goes up to the HOH to have a talk to Jessie.

This whole time Russell, Jordan and Lydia have been in the HOH delighting Showtime viewers with a very candid sex talk. It always gets back to sex, doesn't it? The discussion centers around favorite sexual positions and brings me to the quote of the night. Lydia says she likes doggie style and Jordan replies, "I don't like doggie style. Doesn't it make you queef a lot?". LOL Russell, in a fit of hysterics, falls over trying to contain his laughter. He then declares that he prefers Reverse Cowgirl. Now you know Jordan has no idea whatsoever what the hell that means so Lydia and Russell demonstrate it for her. Russell also likes to lift a girl up with her legs over his forearms. Be careful there Russelll. You keep talking like that and I might start seeing rainbows fly out your butt everytime you leave a room.

Casey finally gets his meeting with Jessie and, I'm sorry, but it's all just so ridiculous trying to have a man to man with a guy who looks like this:

The Banana Man has lost his a-peel so to speak. Jessie informs him that the "right man is going home" and that he heard Casey making a stink over the Athletes winning everything. Casey doesn't understand why in the world he would go on the block. He thought they still had their week 1 alliance. He actually believed that Algonquin Round Table bullshit that took place the other night. He insists he never meant to stir up any "anti-Athlete momentum". Michelle Talbott was hysterical on Twitter last night. She tweeted, "Don't fall for it Jessie!" LOL

Manbeast Jessie is cock sure and annoying revelling in the power he has over everyone. He sits and listens with a stupid look on his stupid face with his stupid fake chin in one of his stupid muscle shirts... ugh! He's infuriating. I'm not even mad at him for wanting Casey out per se. His attitude though has finally pushed me over the edge. I gave him a second chance this season. I thought he was playing smarter and even gave him credit for it, but his FACE just drives me crazy. I hate that smug bullshit on anyone - especially Jessie. Jessie, my dear, I am done with you. Prepare for my wrath over the next few days. All I have to say Jessie is you're lucky I have a lot of game to cover today.

Casey goes on to throw Lydia under the bus saying she hates Natalie. Pretty lame attempt there Casey. Jessie knows the 2 are fighting over his wedding tackle. He eats that shit up with a spoon. In the end, the Banana Man splits (did you see what I did there? ) and goes outside to violently smoke cigarette after endless cigarette. He keeps saying over and over again, "I'm a grown man. I'm not a kid." No Casey, you're a giant yellow banana who trusted the wrong bunch. Buck up cowboy, don't be so blue, banana. It's only a game.

Jessie, high on power and protein, turns his gloating towards Michele. He belittles her for wanting Ronnie out and, in general, acts like a condescending ass. Michele came across weak, easily manipulated and incredibly untrustworthy. Guarantee she's next on their radar. She should have just told Jessie what he wanted to hear and gone about her day. Spending too much with Jessie in any capacity only leads to your demise. It sucks that he's in the power position he's in, but players need to recognize it and act appropriately. We all know what happened to Laura. It might just happen to Michele next.

Possibly boosted by adrenalin and beef jerky, Jessie goes after his next victim. Lydia is in his bed waiting for him to finish stuffing his face when Jessie decides to have a little fun. He semi seriously suggests that Lydia could go on the block. It's Lydia's nightmare come true. I don't mind Lydia when she's not on the block, but you utter the word "nomimation" in her presence and she completely falls apart and morphs into some psychotic emotional bag of unwellness. She completely loses the plot. Sure, Jessie was totally fucking with her by abusing his power, but her reaction was a little over the top. She hid under a blanket and began to cry a little which made Jessie laugh and grow an even bigger ego.

The conversation ended with Jessie assuring Lydia that she wouldn't go up on the block. He began to get a little tender and I was primed for a total hook up until... Until the cock block to end all cock blocks was initiated. That little brat Natalie comes charging in precisely at the point when a little loving was about to go down. This girl is unparalleled in the art of cock blocking. She must have an inner sonar radar not unlike something a dolphin would have. Any hint of any sexy time anywhere sends off a tiny impulse to her brain. The impulse directs her to the exact positioning of said sexy time and BAM! Cock block intiated and successful.
I really hope that Jessie goes on the block next week. Viewers and players alike would respect the divine providence that would be Jessie going home again in Week 4. Can you imagine if Lydia was actually the one to put him on the block? Would all of you Lydia haters finally come around and show her a little respect? I think I'd fashion a monument in her honor made out of beef jerky and protein bars. My monument would be a fountain, a baby Jessie, that spewed Muscle Milk from it's tiny pee pee. The possibilty brings tears to my eyes. I end this (neverending) post hopeful and steadfast...
BUT first, one more thing, do you guys remember my story about Jordan dreaming of going to Hollywood and all the ridiculous things she was going to do when she got there? BB11_Unleashed informed me that yesterday Jordan had a conversation where she talked about wanting to go see where Pretty Woman was filmed. HA! That was in my story! Is Jordan reading my blog or am I just the smartest person on the planet? I think it's the latter...


  1. The prostitute finds true love...every little girl's dream.

  2. Awesome recap.I may not be ready to see Jessie go, but I'm certainly ready to see his role as puppetmaster become threatened.

  3. Just wanted to say that I love your blog & read it every day.

    I am SOOO ready for Jessie to go home and for the power to go back to the "good" side. It's too bad we have to lose Casey or Jordan before that happens. :(

  4. I agree I do not think Ronnie should have said anything about Casey losing his job. That should be an untouchable subject. Funny as always! Thanks for the mention!

  5. I loved Lydia's argument for why she shouldn't be put on the block - bc she showers, shaves her legs everyday sometimes twice a day and doesn't wear granny panties. And I am looking forward to you unleashing your wrath on Jessie.

  6. ok kevin finally woke up tooo late even if miracle of miracles jordan goes home cuz u know jesse hates the girls and will send them packing b4 a guy there will not be any chance of kevin being safe lol lydia does not have a clue she listened to everything keving said and she came up with i should hide things lol i will be saddish when casey goes home jesse is a big turd but we knew this he is entertainment value so i do not want him to go and i think he is playing the game just like ronnie i cant stand him but he is playing as always ty for taking the time to inform us and make us laugh

  7. I too was giving Jessie another chance, but in true tool form he has reverted back to ...well being a tool!

    I really dont mind lydia, but her showmance with Jessie disturbs me, I just assume Jessie is a closet Homosexual.... (prolly because of Michael K over at D-Listed, i love him, and thats how i found your blog!) and i really dislike the little Cock-Block Natalie

    I love Kevin... just the shit he says and the faces he makes during DR CRACKS me up!

  8. hey LaLa
    another great blog post. I also found the conversation interesting. I haven't been watching the last 3 days and I haven been checking your website everyday. Thanks for adding me as friend

  9. Just found your blog.. nice to know there are others out there who become obsessed for 10 BB weeks.. Great Blog.. love your take on the players and I share your distaste for Jessie.. did'nt like him last year.. can't stand him this year.. can't wait to see the King and Queen Fall

  10. I agree that Ronnie shouldn't have gone off on Casey's job. What he said is exactly what I was thinking but it wasn't the right place for it. Ronnie was just angry with the comments about his wife and went off. The comments about his wife were WAY out of line! Michelle did not sign up fo the show, she should be off limits! I like that you also said that. I don't have the extra feeds so I appreciate your blog.