Monday, August 24, 2009

Is It A Peach Or A Nectarine?

A gentle hairless Manbeast lies lazily in the sun at a mansion nestled cozily in Malibu. His enormous triceps glisten with tiny beads of sweat while his abs pay homage to the sky. Empty bags of beef jerky are strewn about while he sleeps the sleep of giants. Little does the Manbeast know that a wild pink haired woman is on her way to disrupt his peaceful existence...

Oh the Big Brother house is so fucking boring now. I'm not going to mince words or be nicey nice but we need some drama up in this bitch and we need it now. The most exciting thing that happened yesterday was an argument over whether or not a peach was a nectarine. Yes, it's even an old argument. *sigh* Big Brother isn't supposed to get boring until the Final 4. This is bullshit is what it is. Can you imagine how lifeless the house will be if Kevin and Natalie leave anywhere in the near future? Oh. My. God. I'm going to have go back to beating my leprechaun if that happens. I mean, seriously, I can only watch Jeff and Jordan cuddle and joke about not making out so many times before I stab my temple with a letter opener.

I'll try to the best of my ability to recap what little did go on. Michele is still chewing her face and whining to Jordan about how Natalie or Kevin needs to go home. They agree that a strong person needs to go home next. Michele, and her masterful joke telling abilities, says laughingly that Jeff should go home next cuz he's the strongest. Way to put your foot in it Michele! You are such a fucking moron. Jordan, hopped up on Krispy Kremes, runs to Jeff and tells him everything Michele has been saying. She's got a feeling deep in her saccharine lined stomach that Michele and Russell are turning on them and that they need to get rid of them now. You see Jordan gets the same stupid feelings over and over and again and she verbalizes them over and over again so if you feel like you've heard this all before... you have! Jordan has an uncanny ability to repeat herself in that annoying southern drawl of hers (it used to be cute, but now it's just annoying) and never saying anything new. So she's bitching to Jeffy Pooh and Jeffy Pooh says, "Well then good. Russell's gone and she better watch her fucking mouth or else she's gone next too." *bites fist* Nicely done Evil Jeff. You're such a total dick now and I'm finding it to be mildly entertaining.

This brings us to the Big Peach Debate. Jordan is hungry again. When is this bitch not hungry? She's got a hankering for some fruit (which she'll no doubt drown in chocolate sauce and whipped cream) and she's off to the Big Brother Fruit Pantry where she is, once again, perplexed by what is exactly a peach and what is exactly a nectarine. Michele and Jeff get involved and Jeff, infused with all the power BB has to offer, starts screaming at Jordan over what makes a peach a peach. Jordan wants to make a bet with him and prove she's right and how she cut into a nectarine and it was hard and then it wasn't and then somewhere around here I punched myself in the face. In the end, Jeff was right, wanted Jordan to admit it, and Jordan got pissed. She starts to grunt and lurch around the kitchen while Jeff told her to go to the fridge and see if she can find any "whine-a-kins". Michele, not wanting to be far from Jeff, is lingering in the kitchen trying to be a part of the fruit madness, but just ends up shoving all the fruit up her ass. In her mind, it's just easier to make the problem "disappear".

Michele goes off to primp and make herself pretty for Jeffy Pooh. She puts on her Mary Tyler Moore dress and proceeds to make everything awkward in the backyard. She just sits there on the couch giggling at nothing and gnawing her face. She gives everyone the heeby jeebies (especially me!). Jordan asks her if she's mad and she laughs and farts saying she's having a hard time being a Have-Not. She says her hair is turning gray and she wonders if the DR will give her some hair dye. OK now that's funny. The fidgeting awkward married Ass Licker with a crush on a fellow houseguest is now going gray. Damn! I should have made that up myself. Who knew real life would be funnier than fiction when it comes to Michele?

Kevin, in the meantime, is beginning to get a little nervous that maybe Jeff won't use the POV after all. He can totally see Jeff standing up making a speech about how there's no point in using it at this stage of the game. Natalie reassures him that Russ is going to leave and when he's gone, they're all set.

On the other side of the house, Evil Jeff is threatening Jordan again. He tells her how important it is for her to win HOH and that if she doesn't win it, then they're both in trouble. At least he's smart enough to realize that he's got big problems come next week no matter who is left in the house. Most of you who are voting in my poll are voting for Jeff not to use the veto (probably because I said "Save the Ragamuffin" - I knew that would piss you guys off. LOL). Well. it looks to me that Jeff has a problem no matter what he does. If he leaves Russell in the house, Russell will get him out ASAP because Russ knows he has no chance in hell of winning against Jeff. If he keeps Natalie in the house, she's going after Jeff too. At this point, it's stupid for anyone left not to go after Jeff. If Jordan had her druthers about her, she'd go after him too! Viewers at home may love Jeff and his hot bod, but anyone with a brain cell in the game should know that he needs to be evicted pronto ESPECIALLY since he's now proved he can win competitions. I realize Jeff and Jordan are friends, but I think it's time they start playing as individuals. I mean, seriously, how great would it be if Jordan voted Jeff out? Now I know it'll never happen, but a girl can dream can't she? I'd forgive Jordan all her past regressions if she had the balls to pull something off like that. I'd call her a skinny bitch and say she was smart if she did that.

Natalie and Kevin, the most devious players I've seen, are now concocting a plan to start hiding things in the house because they think the memory competition is fast approaching. I like it. It's creative, original, and oh so evil. It's crazy devil ideas like this that make me want to root for the Ragamuffin. Eventually their conversation turns to all things Lydia and Jessie. Natalie is trying to convince Kevin how evil Lydia truly is. Kevin says he realizes that Lydia threw him under the bus to Jessie on several occasions, but that it takes more than a 20 minute conversation to dissolve a friendship. Natalie vehemently disagrees and says that she can hate anyone who pisses her off instantly. Kevin says he told Natalie how Jessie came on her sweatshirt and she instantly forgave him so why is it so different that he forgives Lydia. Natalie thinks her and Jessie had a real bond that Kevin and Lydia just didn't have. She gets really annoyed when Kevin points out how Jessie wronged her and she immediately wants to change the subject. I think deep down Natalie know that Jessie wasn't perfect, but, at this point, she's built him up so much in her mind that it throws her world into complete chaos if she's forced to consider that Jessie was indeed flawed.

They talk about how Jessie wanted to get Kevin out because, according to Kevin, Jessie was paranoid. Kevin says he didn't like Jessie at all, but he didn't necessarily need to go after him in the game. He can separate the game from his personal feelings. He thinks that Jessie got word of Kevin's dislike of him and went into a paranoid self conscious tailspin. Kevin says that Jessie was too insecure to realize that just because Kevin didn't like him didn't exactly mean that Kevin wanted him out of the game. Natalie chimes in and says they need to stop talking about Jessie all the time. I think little tiny cracks in her perfect image of him are beginning to appear and it makes her really uncomfortable.

Ragamuffin and Fabulicious decide to put in some face time with Jeffy Pooh. They go up to the HOH convinced no one has seen them. They want to clarify some things with him about the upcoming POV ceremony and make sure they're all on the same page. Not 30 seconds into their visit Russell and his inner paranoid radar come stomping up the stairs. He enters the HOH and plops himself right down on the floor and pretends to listen to Jeff's CD. Immediately the conversation changes to making smores and feeding fish. The trio completely oversell their interest in all things fish as they gather around the tank trying to pretend they didn't really want to talk strategy:

Shortly after being falsely captivated by the fish they go downstairs to make tuna. Natalie is making the best tuna of her life and not letting Kevin taint it with silly things like salt and pepper. She tells him you wouldn't interrupt Picasso while he paints and you shouldn't interrupt her while she makes tuna. Jeff is in the kitchen as well and they decide right then and there to have their little meeting even though they're sure Russ is spying on them in the HOH. Jeff asks, "So are we still cool?" Natalie says they totally are and that she wants to be loyal to Jeff. She's such a little liar! Jeff brings up the rule about how you can't tell someone if they're going on the block. Natalie tells him that it's true, but you can tell someone if you want to save them. Ummm didn't Jeff come right out and tell Natalie and Kevin they were going on the block? I'm 99.9% positive he did. Wouldn't that be breaking BB's rules? Oh wait... it's Jeff... what was I thinking? Silly me. I forgot. Rules are silly little imaginary things when it comes to Jeffy Pooh.

This brings us up to BBAD where zero happened. Russ and Jeff played pool while talking about dove hunting. Why would anyone want to hunt a dove? Did a dove ever do anything to you? Do you even eat doves? I'm sorry, but I hate all things hunting. I'm not some wild PETA freak by any means, but hunting for sport is so unnecessary. If you hunt for food, then fine, go have a ball. I don't need to see it, but hunting innocent little birdies for fun isn't nice. Can't you go shoot some clay things instead? *climbs down from soap box*

The HG's play a little Texas Hold Em and Natalie starts to gets all bossy again. She wants to bestow the other lowly poker novices with her vast poker wisdom. Look Ragamuffin, I've played a hand or 2 at Full Tilt and my brother is wayyyyyy into poker so I'm pretty familiar with the poker world. Trust me when I say that advice, unless asked for, is so not wanted in a card game. Just let the others play their shitty hands and stop being so bossy.

Late night after more card games and some backdoor badminton, Jordan tells Jeff how now Michele wants Russell gone. Well, isn't this an interesting turn of events? It looks like Michele has finally come to her senses and decided to go along with Jeff and stop fighting it all the time. That's right Michele, just give in. Focus on his rippling abs and do everything they tell you. Jeff continues to blow sunshine up his own ass (althought I'm sure if he asked Michele she'd have no problem helping him out) by saying he'll go down in BB history as the guy who took out the 2 strongest players in the game: Jessie and Russell. Jordan tells Jeff how big and strong and smart he is and how she's sure Russ will see it as a game move and will still vote for Jeff to win in the Final 2. I love it how she's so convinced Jeff will even get to the Final 2. If BB keeps manipulating this game, I have no doubt he will. If they butt out and shut their traps like they're supposed to, then Jeff could be gone sooner rather than later.

While Jeff is thinking about how great he is, Russell and Michele are in the BY also talking about all things Jeff. Michele tells Russ how Jeff keeps asking her why she's so weird. LOL. That's funny. Michele blames the slop, but you and I know, dear readers, that Michele has been a freak all along. Russell says he's going to lay low with Jeff and not bug him too much. Actually, all Russ has been doing is kissing Jeff's ass like crazy and don't think that Jeff doesn't know it either. Earlier during their hunting talk Russ was planning fishing trips with Jeff like they were best buddies or something. Russ is good at many things I'm sure, but ass kissing isn't one of them.

That's the whole big boring day. Yawn fest I know. Sorry about that guys.

I have a little official business to attend to right now. Congratulations to NCSoxFan79 and ravie30! They were the first (on Twitter and the blog respectively) to guess that the quote "The men don't know, but the little girls understand" comes from The Doors song 'Back Door Man'. Thanks to all who entered. You're all quite good with the song lyric trivia. I'll have to think of some more.

Also I'd like to address the fact that the one and only, Chima Simone, has been picked to be a part of the NOH8 campaign. For those of you not in the know, the NOH8 campaign is trying to overturn the unjust Prop 8 that makes it illegal for gay couples to marry. I'm a staunch supporter of gay marriage and I think the NOH8 campaign is a wonderful campaign. I've always enjoyed seeing their ads. Having said that, I think that Chima Simone is the worst possible person ever to represent this campaign. She is the epitome of hate and I'm extremely disappointed that she's been chosen to take part. For those you on Twitter who also oppose the choice to use Chima, please send a tweet to @NOH8Campaign and let them know how angry you are. Let your voices be heard!

On a lighter note, my little rinky dink dog and pony blog is now #2 at the BBTop50, but if everyone reading this today goes and votes for me I think I can be #1 by the end of the day! The link to vote is at the top right of the page. Click on it, then click on "Enter This Site" and your vote is cast. Thanks so much for all of your support. Have a great day everyone! POV Ceremony today so keep your fingers crossed that Russell goes ape shit and gets medieval on everyone's asses.

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  1. Ahhhhh yes. The boredom is killing me. I cannot wait to see what's going on in the jury house. And just imagine, Russ added to the Lyd/Jess mix. It would be a lot more fun if Nat was the next to go to the jury house, but if her or Kevin goes home this week, it will almost be unwatchable. Team Kevin!!

  2. I wish I had a magical power this week that would allow me to evict both Jeff and Jordan. They are totally nauseating. I loved Jeff from the start because he is totally HOT. (I am decades away from menopause) I tolerated Jordan because I thought she would make out with him and I could live vicariously. I was done with her as soon as I realized that wouldn't happen. Now I am just sickened by both of them they bore me and her ignorance is too much for me to take. The fact that he tolerates her makes it impossible for me to tolerate him. So I am all for him getting the hell out of there next week. Whoever does it will be my new second favorite player. After Kevin of course because he is the BEST. His DRs always have me laughing so hard I cry. Not to mention he is a great player and the only sane one in there. Well, J and J are sane because they don't have enough depth to go crazy.

  3. "Jeff continues to blow sunshine up his own ass" that made me lmfao.

    I voted for Jeff not to use the POV. However, I do NOT think Jeff can trust Russ at all.

    NOH8 using Chima...WTF? How did that happen?


  5. Jeff needs to have Mich suck that smoke out of his ass and realize that Russ MAY put him up next, but Nat/Kev WILL put him up for sure. And get rid of that southern belladonna, she's killing him. Jeff will not use the veto....

  6. I'm still in Jeff's camp, even though his attraction to Jordan confounds me. A moron, with large fake boobs, can't hold his interest for that long. Sorry, but I don't understand why anyone would be enamored with the obnoxious Gnat. Wondering if she is really a guy. Now that would be a twist. Michelle definitely has a crush on Jeff. She does not seem as insane to me, since the house calmed down. Kevin is the highlight of the show. Hopefully, Russell will flip out if he is back doored. My guess is that Lydiot, and The Man, The Myth, The Legend, will be playing hide the salami ASAP.

  7. i need a third option to choose from :)

  8. Oh Jeff,

    Just when I'd written you off, your paranoia rips at least one of my expectations asunder. I don't yet heart you, but you don't make me ill anymore. Thank you for saving the Fabulous One.




  10. On BBAD Sunday/Monday:

    Jordan, "Michele, I'm sore."

    Michele, "What's sore, your butt?"

    I kid you not.

  11. I'm team Jeff, but I don't see how he's going to make it past this week. He's way too big of a target. Colette Lala - you mentioned that if production has a say in anything, "somehow" Jeff will manage to make it to the final 2. While I don't doubt that production interferes with the show with their own faves, why do you think production would interfere with Jeff?

    I'm curious to see if Allison Grodner is some menopausal hag that fawns after Jeff too? I can just imagine her with her own Jeffy Pooh cam directly on her laptop at home:).