Friday, August 28, 2009

It's Official. We Are In The Bell Jar.

Everyone better be wearing one of these today... The Scarfed One is in charge bitches! Grab your most delicious, your most intricate, your most finely woven, your longest, your fringiest (is that a word?) scarf and work it. When you're strutting down your city streets today I want you to be working it. Sashay, Chante. Chante, Chante, Chante! I have to admit it. I feel reenergized this morning. I feel light and airy and full of new metaphors. Things were getting a little stale, but this bitch got her mojo back. Get ready for some fun.

Before I get ahead of myself. Let's discuss that live show last night. Our favorite vertically challenged meathead is gone and he went out with class. His speech was generous, sweet, and, to be quite honest, a little weak. You know I'm all about the drama so, yes, I was a little disappointed the Love Muscle didn't spew more venom. Although... since he was so nice and friendly spreading joy to children everywhere, Jeff and Jordan came off as totally bitter sore winners. Their goodbye messages were rude, childish, and moronic. Why "moronic", you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Who the fuck berates an outgoing jury member when you're down to the Final 5? Those bitches should be KISSING HIS ASS and licking his taint to get his jury vote NOT insulting him and pissing him off. Natalie and Kevin knew what was up. They served up some humor wrapped in compliments and delivered it to Russell on a shiny silver platter. Smart move Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. Nice to know at least some people have their head in the game.

All a Twitter was, well, it was all a twitter last night with rumors flying over what could Julie Chen possibly mean that "more surprises" were coming. Someone started a rumor about a magical door to earthly delights in the HOH room. I pictured a giant door out of Willy Wonka where once it was opened a colorful secret world was unveiled complete with oompah loompahs. If there are oompah loompahs on this season, then this is the BEST Big Brother ever! Well, I used my Nancy Drew detective skills and I've unearthed a quote from The Curly One herself, Allison Grodner. Here is what she says about the magical door and the big surprise: "I'm gonna tease. There is a secret door that will weigh into the HOH. It's something we've had planned for a while. I wouldn't call it a power. It's just something that's been added to the HOH's (responsibility)." A responsibility? You know that door just opens a janitors closet with a Stanley Steemer inside and now the HOH is responsible for destinkifying that house. Michele's B.O. has gotten so bad that they need some industrial machine to suck it out of the carpet fibers.

Speaking of the Ass Licker, if you're a Michele fan... you will HATE me today. I'm giving you ample warning.

OK so the show ended with a hot chocolately marshmallowey physical endurance HOH comp. Yay! I love competitions where the HOH's have to move their asses and risk certain injury. When the feeds come back we see that Kevin has a considerable lead and Natalie is in last place. Jordan wasn't doing so well either and was slow to start because she kept trying to eat all the chocolate that was falling from the sky. She announced "It tastes like Hersheys!" Jeff promptly stuck a rusty nail in his jugular and died.

The poor Ragamuffin is really just laughable in competitions at this point. She kept losing her cup, falling on her ass, and shuffling down her lane. All of her energy went into cheering Kevin on that I had to wonder if maybe she didn't really care anymore after she saw how well Kevin was doing. She was running her mouth the whole damn time reminding Kevin of how if he wins that he'll get to see his Boyf and he'll get Hamburger Helper in his basket. Kevin, at one point, had to tell her to shut up cuz she was so damn distracting. According to my tally she lost her cup 4 times including the time she dropped it in the giant vat of hot chocolate and had to almost climb in to get it out. Here are some photos of the Ragamuffin's comp failure:

The more the comp went on, the sadder Jeffy Pooh became. At one point he says to Jordan, "Kevin's focused. Jordan needs to get focused." Well, that didn't help the human trash compactor and she just fell a lot (to which Jeff, Mr. Sentimental, said, "You all right? You pop a boob?") while Jeff looked on concerned and defeated.

Meanwhile over in Winners Lane, Kevin was kicking some major ass. For someone who never works out he ran that 4 miles like a champ. He was consistent and focused with thoughts of his Boyf swirling like fabulous fringed scarves dancing in his head. Witness the face of a champion:

The feeds went down not long after that photo was taken and we were forbidden from seeing the big finish. Fuck you CBS. I'm getting a little pissed off at being blocked from the HOH comps. This is the second week in a row you've done this and I'm not happy about it. You give me all the build up and then deny me the release. Do you have any idea what that's like for a woman? You thought Jeff was bad backed up? Ha! You have NO idea how cranky a woman can become. Even though we were denied the money shot, I went ahead and announced Kevin as the winner over on Twitter.

Eventually, the feeds came back and the HG's were showering and cleaning themselves up. Michele and Kevin were in the shower at one point and Ass Licker is wasting NO time kissing some ass. She tells Kevin how he "floated" down the lane. Kevin replied, "I always look like I float!." and I hearted him even more. Meanwhile, Jordan was asking Jeff if she made a fool of herself because she yelled at Russell yesterday. She's way paranoid that CBS didn't portray her in a positive light and she needs some reassurance. Dumpster Truck Sally marches into the shower area to ask Kevin and Michele if she looked like a psycho when she yelled at Russell. They assure her she did not and she waddles off to eat a fistful of Cheez Whiz.

A little later Kevin is sitting and thinking. He's wondering if his HOH will have photos of his parents. Awwww. My heart broke a little when he said that. As most of you know Kevin's parents are hardcore Jehovah's Witnesses and he hasn't seen or heard from them ever since he came out of the closet. It's a story that's all too familiar nowadays and it completely breaks my heart. I will NEVER understand how a parent can shun their own child for being gay. Hell, if I ever had a kid I'd be delighted to discover he/she was gay. Remember that one episode of Absolutely Fabulous when Edina begs Saffie to be a lesbian? That's totally me. So Kevin wonders if CBS contacted his parents and whether or not they signed releases. I'm pretty sure at that point everyone at home crossed their fingers and hoped that Kevin would get to see his family. I know I did. Kevin, always graceful and mature, says that it's ok if he doesn't see them. He's really not expecting to. My rusty heart strings tugged a little more at my tear ducts. The Ragamuffin had a moment of tenderness and tells Kevin that his parents are probably watching him and are very proud. Kleenex please.

While Kevin is making us all want to hug our closest gay, Michele is in the Green Room losing her ever loving mind. The most exquisite display of a mental breakdown graced our screens and I immediately perked up and went screenshot happy. I completely infuriated the chat hags who say they don't read this blog yet they flawlessly quote it everyday... nice try bitches. I can tell who visits here. Keep lying if it makes you feel better. I'm all about the numbers so hate me if you want but keep giving me those hits. I roll around naked covered in your IP numbers. Anyways, yeah, Michele is crying and I'm loving every single fucking second of it. I asked my Twitter followers if someone moved up Christmas this year and didn't tell me. I poured myself a glass of gin (just gin, nothing else... I was feeling very Dorothy Parker yesterday) and settled in to enjoy the madness. Oh my god! I totally forgot to mention that Michele was having her breakdown while wearing The Yellow Dress! Are you dying from the perfection?

Michele sought sanctuary in the Green Room and clutched a pillow while she came to the realization that she's all alone in this house. Her stupid ass licking stories and awkward giggles have finally caught up with her and now she has nothing to show for it, but bad hair, ugly clothes, and a few lost pounds. She muttered to herself and wallowed in her own unworthiness. Paging Neely O'Hara... paging Neely O'Hara. Look, I don't feel sorry for Michele at all. She sauntered around that house with that smug stupid smile on her face for weeks thinking she was some kind of competition genius. You are no Janelle Michele. Almost every competition she won was because of someone else's mistakes. That doesn't take talent. That's luck. If there's one thing that can be said about luck it's that it eventually always runs out.

She shook and jittered and tried to quiet the voices in her head while someone yelled at me in the chats for confusing bipolar disorder with schozophrenia. Oh go die in your DSM IV. I make jokes. I'm a laugh maker. If this was Natalie crying her eyes out people would be laughing and skipping through dewy meadows holding hands and wearing crowns made of flowers. Hypocradar beeping loud and clear.

So here I am totally smack talking Michele with a huge smile plastered on my face dipping my toes in bowls of glitter when I'm suddenly greeted with this:

Jesus christ. She's looking right at me! I threw my gin in the fire place, grabbed my fur throw (I was naked. I'm always naked when I watch the feeds.), and leapt off the chaise lounge to run and hide behind a bookcase. That shit is straight up scary. She's freaking me the fuck out. Keep in mind the only reason she's crying in the wide open where anyone can find her is because she's waiting for ANYONE TO FIND HER! They're obviously not coming in to console the bitch so she's breaking the fourth wall and haunting me now. I started throwing all kinds of restraints and straitjackets at the image on my laptop hoping to make it just go away. Yes, I keep my restraints and straitjackets behind the bookcase. Where do you keep yours? In the kitchen? No! Behind the bookcase is a very reasonable place.

It appears as if Michele didn't take too kindly to my throwing things at her and bitch started to cry more. *filing nails* Ho hum. *yawn* Are you done yet Ass Licker? All that running back and forth between Jeff and Jordan and Russell has finally caught up with you hasn't it? *blows on nails* Well, precious, you dug your own sad grave and now you have to lie in it. Get it all out. Snot up those pillows to the best of your ability. Why you're doing this in the middle of a room full of cameras is beyond me... why didn't you go fall apart in the bathroom like normal people do? This weepy display is ammunition to heartless bitches like me Rectal Queen. Now get yourself together and pick a personality to take over.

Oh! I forgot to mention that earlier Michele had tried to get into the Have-Not room but it was locked. That was where she'd go in the past to lick the walls and swat at imaginary flies. The only reason Michele is oh so sad is because she knows she's in danger of going on the block this week. That's it. I was able to catch some of her muttering early on and she said, "I'm going on the block." Yes, Ass Licker, you're going on the block. That's what Big Brother is. It's a game where people get nominated and evicted. Christ even Jordan handles nominations better than this.

Ha! Lydia was right! You do wear fake blue colored contacts. Oh I miss Lydia. She did crazy with style. Mental breakdowns and insanity were at least fun with Lydia. She was so creative and the insults just rolled off her tongue like beautiful little gifts from heaven. Lydia, wherever you are, lying naked next to Jessie, I miss you.

OK Michele are you done yet?

Oh for fucks sake. You're even beginning to make a good breakdown boring. I hate you so much right now.

Yes. Punch yourself in the face. That's a good girl. Pretend those fists are my fists. I've got an HOH reveal to get to and you're getting on my last fucking nerve right about now.

OK kids I'm making this a two parter today. It's looking like Michele is going to keep breaking down and waste all of our time.

In Part 2 we'll uncover Ragamuffin and Fabulicious' evil plan and see the footage of the best HOH reveal yet.

While you're waiting for my second masterpiece, go to the BBTop50 and Vote! We're neck in neck with that awful site that censors it's visitors. Click on the link at the top right hand side of the blog and click click click!

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  1. Gahhh. I tried to comment earlier and my laptop died. So I chucked it out the damn window. So here I am, sitting at the library, eating children. And all I see is Hatchet Face Michele bawling her eyes out. If she had babies, I would eat them, just so she had a REAL reason to cry.

    The best part of the show was Lydia and Jessie. (except for Kevin winning, of course.)I'd rather watch feeds from the Jury House.

    Fatty and YoYo don't even deserve a comment from me. So... you got got. You got got. You got got. You got got. Got it? You got got.

  2. Boy, does Michele cry a lot. Constantly....