Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dr. Jeffyl and Mr. Hyde

Yawn... stretch... roll over. Soooooooo what can we talk about today? Ummm Ted Kennedy died. Nah. I may live outside the nation's capital, but I only enjoy politics during an election. It's the cutthroat nastiness that warms my blackened heart. What else, what else? That guy who sang on that X Factor show was pretty good right? I loathe all things American Idol after the auditions are over, but that X Factor show looked half way decent. I think we're all gonna get Swine Flu and die this winter, so like yeah, that's something to look forward to. What else can I talk about? I'm actually in a little bit of a hurry this morning so I guess I'm forced to discuss those 6 uber bores residing in Studio City. One of which is quickly becoming a rotund little trailer park resident.

Seriously, this is my little game everyday. Can I catch Jordan stuffing her face with food today? Ok ok so I realize it's not a challenging game or anything, but, hey, I'm always a winner! And being a winner makes me feel good. My ego gets bigger, I tend to tire out Mr. O'Shaughnessy quicker, and I buy myself pretty things as a reward. Just yesterday I purchased a lovely 9 foot long black leather whip. I'm not sure what I'll use it for yet. I was going to ask Mr. O'Shaugnessy his advice but he's apparently preoccupied with something and I can't seem to find him. He better be baking me my morning muffins in that little tree house of his. I don't see any smoke coming out of his chimney. If one of you bitches stole him again, I'm hunting you down. Get your own damn leprechaun. Do you have any idea how hard it is to tame a drunken leprechaun with a thick Irish brogue? I've broken horses quicker than him. His little tiny fists are lethal weapons. It was a bitch getting that halter top on him.

Oh my god what the hell am I talking about? Ughhh. The house is boring again and I have to reach far in to the recesses of my mind to entertain myself. The Big Brother day began with Porky and Ass Licker sitting in the hot tub. Can you imagine the DNA swirling around that tub at this point? Someone get some Lysol up in this bitch. So anyways, Porky Roley Poley Tubmeister is holding a knife to Ass Licker's chewed up face saying she better not vote to evict Natalie. Ass Licker kicks and splashes trying to kiss Porky Hot Cross Buns and swears on her rectum that she'll vote to keep the Ragamuffin. Porky Po Boy smacks her and holds her head under water for good measure. Ass Licker emerges gasping and choking and confesses to crying in the Splish Splash room after the POV ceremony.

She's telling the truth. Did you see the final shot in last night's show? Pure magic! I jumped up and danced to a Afro-Cuban number seeing the sweet salty tears of success (MY success) rolling down Michele's smug face. Oh so ok here's something I want to touch on... who gave Jeffy Pooh magical shoes for the POV comp yesterday? Seriously, how unfair was that competition? How is it that Jeff was able to run up his slide each and every time without slipping even once? Even at the end when he slid down just for fun he had to use another slide because his wasn't slippery enough. I'm usually not one of those conspiracy theory bitches, but last night's competition really had me questioning things.

I'm glad CBS had the balls to at least show a little teeny tiny bit of the megalomaniac that Jeff has become. What was up with him during the POV ceremony telling Kevin, "You may speak." ?Yeah well you may suck my left titty Jeff. I hate you. He was such a dick. I'm happy to report that almost all of the chat hags have turned on Jeff and Jordan at this point. Remember these are the women who want to adopt Jordan and molest Jeff so it's a pretty big deal that the bloom is off the rose. No, not one of them has apologized for ever doubting me and I have yet to see a statue erected to my greatness, but I'm sure it's coming any day now.

One very saucy chatter up there in Canadia has managed to put down his bacon and syrup long enough to utter a beautiful magical phrase that tickled my no-no. The one and only Grimace now calls Jeff, Dr. Jeffyl and Mr. Hyde. LOL That's so good, right? Needless to say all we got yesterday was Dr. Jeffyl. Jeffy Pooh is still harping on and on about that Russ fight and how much better he is than Russ.

Dr. Jeffyl pulls Jordan aside and asks, "What's the deal with Kevin?" Jordan assures him that Kevin will vote to evict Russell. She tells him how Russell approached Kevin for a deal and how Kevin immediately filled Jordan in. Apparently, Russell actually told Kevin that Jordan throws around the word, “gay” as in "This tv show is gay.". Jeff is shocked! He says, “What a fucking loser! Who goes around bashing someones character?” Well, if I can recall correctly Dr. Jeffyl, you do! Jordan says she doesn’t even say that word anymore. She says “stupid” instead. Jeff then gets mad that Kevin is even listening to Russ at all. He wonders why Kevin doesn’t tell him to get the fuck away. Jeff is on a major power trip and has a god complex. Everyone must obey his demands or they're in trouble. Earlier he told Michele to yell at Russell and tell him to shut the fuck up. Basically, he wants everyone else to yell at Russ and look like a moron just like Jeff did. Jeff won’t let it go and he goes on attacking Russ for calling Kevin a "fucking homo" during the chicken/egg game. Apparently, Russ said, “Leave it to the fucking homo to win a no talent contest.” Wow. I didn't hear that because the feeds don't pop back up until days after a comp ends, but if he did say that then Russell can rot in hell.

Dr. Jeffyl continues to throw F bombs around for 5 minutes straight and Jordan is basically egging him on getting him all excited. Bitch is a total instigator. For some reason, she really enjoys the all big and powerful he-man asshole Jeff. It makes her feel protected or some shit like that. Jeff is OBSESSED with all things Russell and I'm thinking, at this point, that he's secretly in love with him. He says, "He's such a loser. He makes me sick to my stomach. He makes me nuts." Nuts for nuts is what I'm thinking. Let's get some homoeroticism up in this bitch already! In the end, Jeff just looks twice as angry as Russ ever did. When Russ gets pissed, he shouts and screams for a good half hour and then that's it. He leaves it alone and doesn't explode again until someone attacks him. Jeff, on the other hand, is at war with EVERYTHING. He smacked the coffee maker around I think and showed that toaster who was boss. His bar of soap now knows better than to slip out of his hands anymore. That poor little bar of Ivory Soap is lying in teeny tiny pieces at the bottom of the drain as we speak. Jeff's not playing around. You piss him off and he will DESTROY you.

Jeff declares he'll need ear plugs to listen to Russell's speech on Thursday, "It'll be so ridiculous!" Jordan warns Jeff that Russ may bash them on Thursday and that they'll just have to sit there and take it. You see that? She's getting Jeff all riled up again. He snaps, "I know Jordan!"

Later Ragamuffin is sitting outside with Kevin and Michele. She begins to question Kevin and it's all very weird and confusing. In front of Michele, she asks him, “What have you done for me in this game?" She tells him that she’d put Kevin on the block if she won HOH. Kevin is just sitting there silent essentially refusing to answer her. At this point, some people in the chats begin to think Nat is up to something for show. Ass Licker tries to contribute to the conversation and points out to Kevin that Natalie isn’t really making a good case for them to keep her this week. She laughs awkwardly and scrapes her frozen Muscle Milk treat for like 30 minutes straight. Oh my god I hurled some priceless crystal acrosss the room every time she scraped that damn spoon down her giant plastic cup. It was incessant. Once I hear a noise that drives me crazy, I focus on it and it's all I can hear. Bitch kept this shit up FOREVER. I came so close to punching my laptop screen. I'm not kidding. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

Ass Licker continues to test my sanity and Ragamuffin says to her, "If I win HOH, I’m putting you up.” Michele tells her the same thing back. I'm totally lost and confused at this point wondering what Natalie is really up to. Dr. Jeffyl comes outside and Nat tells him what she just told Michele. She says, "At least I’m honest." That sentence must have been laced with copious amounts of PCP because as soon as Michele gets up to leave, Ragamuffin retells her plan to put Michele on the block to Jeff and Jeff immediately launches into an "I hate Michele" campaign. If you're confused right now, join the club. Let's try to walk through this together. Natalie told Michele she'd put her on the block if she won HOH. Michele told Natalie she'd do the same to her. Natalie told Jeff what she told Michele and what Michele's response was. Jeff, in turn, explodes and assumes Michele started the whole conversation and was trying to fuck with Natalie. Jeff says, "I hope those votes come out 2-1 then she can go cry in the corner all week... what a sneaky bitch!" Jeff somehow comes to the conclusion that Michele is trying to look good to Natalie by telling her she'll vote to keep her when Jeff says she already HAS to vote and keep her anyways because those were his orders. I have NO idea how Jeff got that from Natalie's statement, but I'm not going to press the issue. He's now super pissed at Michele and I couldn't be more pleased

I'm still totally lost, but all I can do is stand up and applaud the Ragamuffin. She's like a mystical magical evil genius. A new fairytale creature is going to have to be invented for her. It'll be called The Ragamuffin (of course) and it's power will be to hypnotize innocent people into believing the opposite of what their instincts are telling them to believe. All she has to do is look you in the eye and you're under her spell. You'll be walking down the street thinking, "I have to go to the store and pick up some milk." The Ragamuffin will appear out of nowhere and come up to you. She'll look you in the eye and then scurry away. You'll continue to walk to the store, only now you'll be thinking, "I have to pick up some calf's liver and decapitate the phramacist." She's evil. Stay away from her. If you ever see a Ragamuffin lurking in your neck of the woods, just run.

Then we arrive at my favorite part of the day. Ass Licker and Two Ton Tuna Roll are sitting in the BY and, out of nowhere, Ass Licker says, "When I do crunches I queef!" Wha... wha... what?!? Where the hell did that come from? She launches into a story about how when she was growing up and had to do sit-ups in gym class, she'd queef all the time. Sure, an army of pretty pink fairies fluttered around me and Care Bears came to life and knitted me a shawl, but I was still sitting here with my jaw on the floor. Ass Licker goes on to say, "I was not a cool kid. Let's just leave it at that." Uh duh. You're still not a cool kid. You're a fucking freak who scares me more and more every goddamn day! Michele then wonders what the men of the house think of her and then she says she's not a good liar. In the words of Fabulicious, "Ohhhhh Emmmm Geeee." This bitch is so random.

Jordan is just sitting there staring at Michele trying to catch flies or something. She then tells Michele that she likes to put her face in Jeff's armpit and smell it. Pause. Ummm. Alrighty then. I'm speechless at this point. Jordan says, "I don't know why I do it. It makes him laugh." Ummm maybe you're a trailer park freak who has some fucked up back woods habits? I don't know. Just a guess. Jordan announces really loud, "I really want to try queefing tonight!" Jeff shoots up and says, "WHAT?!" and then just laughs. At this point I've chopped off all my toes with a pair of wire cutters. They're all in a pile right now on my deep shag carpeting. My blood and the blood red nail polish are indecipherable. It's a shame really. I had such adorable toes and that carpet was crazy expensive.

Meanwhile Russell is all by his lonesome in the Splish Splash room rereading his letter from home over and over again. He's looking for inspiration or secret messages or something. Natalie is in the other room filling Kevin in on Jeff blowing up about Michele outside. Kevin is kind of confused and can just say, "Oh so that's what you were doing."

Natalie really wants the votes to evict Russell to be 2-1. She wants to pin the hinky vote on Michele and make Michele a target next week. The only thing is, how does she pull it off? She talks with Kevin while playing pool about how she had initially thought to just make Kevin vote to keep Russell, but then decided against it. Michele is too fucking bat shit crazy to try to predict what she'll do and if Kevin votes to evict Natalie, Natalie could very well end up going home. Kevin had wanted to plan to tell Michele that he'd vote to evict Russell to ensure that she'd vote the same way. Then he'd actually vote to evict Natalie and blame Michele afterwards. Natalie liked his idea but they both decide is way too risky because Michele is a loose cannon. I must say I LOVE how these two think. They've seen a weakness in Michele and now they're going to expoit it as much as possible. This is exactly how I love to see the game being played. Innovative psychological warfare is always entertaining.

Even the chat hags began to marvel at how Natalie and Kevin were thinking. One thing every single one of you must admit, no matter how much you hate the Ragamuffin, is that she's most definitely playing this game. She's playing more than anyone else and she's creative about it to boot.

Natalie and Kevin continue to scheme and Natalie says, "Jeff is the obstacle between you and I winning." Kevin agrees and says he will have no hesitation putting Jeff on the block if he wins HOH. Oh please Kevin... PLEASE win HOH next week. It will ignite so much drama and I promise I'll wear a scarf in your honor every single day.

The sneaky duo then plan Operation Throw The Bitches Off. They're going to start hiding things from around the house to confuse everyone if a memory competition is in the very near future. *claps and giggles* Shit like this gets me so excited. They're so evil. I LOVE it! The duo actually woke up this morning as planned and began to hide things, but BB was a major buzzkill and made them put it all back. Dammit! BB ruins everything! I'll bet if Jeff and Jordan had hidden things they wouldn't have stopped it. I wouldn't be surprised if later today they tell Jeff in the DR how to hide things and throw off Natalie and Kevin.

The night ended with Jordan having the nerve to pick on Michele for confusing a nectarine with a tangerine. Seriously Jordan? The girl who throws a fit over whether or not a nectarine is really a peach has the balls to attack someone else for calling it a tangerine? I hate Jordan now. I really do. She's useless. She's only good for cleaning up spilled cookie dough. We could make Jordan robots with a vacuum powered mouth. She'd double as a sex toy and a vacuum cleaner. I'll bet I could make millions.

I'm thinking today is going to be pretty boring as well. Hopefully, Michele will have something asinine to say and I can make fun of it tomorrow.

Super special shout out to JoCaPa! I meant to do this last week, but my notes got all confused. Too much opium smoking with Mr. O'Shaugnessy. JoCaPa, those little rugrats of yours can sit and wait until I'm done posting. Just shove them in the cellar the next time they bitch about wanting to go to the pool. You've got priorities and the Bitchy Big Brother Blog is at the top of your list, right? ;)

Oh and yes, ladies over at the BBC/BCC/whatever that baby making place is called, I have spies everywhere so bump that thread up already and start working your magic. The more you talk, the more Mr. O'Shaugnessy gets excited and you haven't lived until you've seen a leprechaun do naughty things to himself. Happy procreating ladies!

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  1. Russell getting evicted and Kevin winning HOH is such a best case scenario for next week, that I can hardly think of another that I would accept. Would Natalie have the balls to put Jordan AND Jeff on the block? Or would she become distracted and attempt to take out Michele? And I'm getting tired of not knowing what Michele would do. She's probably still shell-shocked over Russell being backdoored and hasn't formulated a plan for dealing.

    *Runs to find a several nice scarves (in the dead of Summer in Texas) to wear, in case His Scarfiness wins HOH*

  2. LMAO! The parts about michelle talking about queefing and jordan saying shes going to try. OMG, where do they find these people LOL
    I can't stop lauging!

  3. I do love the deviousness that is Natalie. Even though she thinks skidmarks in your underpants is 'normal'. And if she continues to bash Lydia I will eat her babies. (Though I'd probably get a bad case of eboli or something.)But as long as Nat is on Team Kevin, I will be on Team IHaveANastyDishchargeButMyBoyfriendSaysItMakesMeSmellMoreWomanly.

    I don't even think I can talk about Michele. Everytime I look at the girl I feel like I'm watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. She skinned the last girl that felt bad enough for her to be her friend and she's wearing her face now. By the end of the week, she will shove Jeff up her ass. The next time she flirts with him, I might shove myself up my own ass just so I don't have to witness it.

    The next time Jordan talks about being fat or about eating too much, I'm driving myself to her trailer park and punching her mom in the crotch.

    As much as I'd like Russell to stick his bald head between my trunks... I still can't wait for him to leave. He should be seen and not heard. Kinda like all my boyfriends... but anyway...

    Sooooo, Thursday... Kevin wins HOH, puts Jeff on the block, Jeff BLOWS his friggin' top... And Kevin tells him..."way to take it like a man, bro."

    The End.

  4. In the POV competition, the HG's didn't have a set spot for them to run up. They could run up anywhere on the slippery hill thing. I think Jordan just smacked her fat ass so hard on that spot and wiped all the oil away and Jeff took the opening!

  5. The BIG O! Ovation that is! Your talent is boundless but today you seem divinely inspired.

    Now, I have a recommendation about what we can do w/that whip. Bend over I am going to whip your ass bitch for the treasnous offense of slandering my Jeffie Pooh! Yes, I was agast when during the POV ceremony Man-Meat Jeff barked to my BFF Kevin "Speak;" Yes, his ego is on a trip w/out luggage when he should be on a trip to moi boudoir w/out clothes; Yes, whenever you talk about being polked with a hot rod I think of Jeff's; and finally and most importantly I dare not tender this defense to anyone other than...Jeff. (**insert laugh**)

    Further my little enchantress, as you demonstrate so well everyday as you mine the darkest recesses of your mind & lil' black heart, you have to know your audience when you communicate & do so at the target level just like you do for us! I am sure when you chat at high tea with your Pennsylvania Avenue crowd you speak to them much differently. That is why my young, cut, blue-eyed, sweaty, sex deprived...oh, sorry, errr, Jeff talks to Russell like a thug. And, BTY yes, my sist'a' in the Prop 8 fight, Russell did say the comment to Natalie about my precious chicken Kevin. (No one calls Russell a chicken.) Which brings me to this little morsel enjoy. So who is this imposter Russell?

    PS I understand Gucci(E) will be bringing Nastalie in to consult in spring or fall 2010 line they are developing under private label at Neimans. Check it out: call the only man I want in my closet, go to brunch with, bitch about my husband to: Tim Gunn. Kevin will be cannonized.

    Tootles for now.

  6. I love Misty's comments

  7. Kara, I had thought about a hinky section of the slide, but when I heard the magical shoe theory I jumped onboard and ran with it.

    MissIrreverence, my dear, you have me pegged. I am absolutely a Laura Ashley dress wearing, church going, garden growing, doily crocheting, lite jazz listening young polite society woman. That is EXACTLY me. No way am I an industrial music listening, leather jacket wearing, tramp stamp having, belly dancing evil sarcastic bitch who routinely gives other drivers on the road the finger. That would NEVER be me.

    Oh and please call me your little enchantress again. It makes me want to bathe in a giant martini glass filled with glitter.

    I tried to go to that link you gave me but it froze up my damn computer and I had to close my internet explorer thus retyping this exquisite comment from memory. I'll check it out again when I don't have to, you know, TYPE anything!

  8. Jeff is playing a REALLY awesome game. If this were week 1 or 2. Its like he is weeks behind. Like he's slow. Like Jordan. He got mad the Kevin was listening to Russell. Well Jeff there's a little something called a "jury" that kevin is obviously aware of, even though you have NO desire to acknowledge that part of the game. Jeff you are moronic. You are making rules about how its illegal to strike final 2 deals and how its illegal to be nice to jury members and its all bullshit. Your tyranny is ruining the best part of the game. You are bullying people out of their Big Brother given right to strategize and bargain. You are killing my season end! GET OUT!

  9. I'm really starting to wonder if Jordan is smart. Or, at least smart enough to be a cocktease. In her diary sessions, she's always saying that people underestimate her & that she's smarter than they realize. Maybe she's just good at that one thing. Making poor Jeff do all of her dirty work so that she can float to the end. As far as the queefing comment is concerned, Jordough probably thought that it was some type of Twinkie. On BBAD Sat. night, I loved how Jeff called her on her carrying on like a jackass just 'cause it was that time of the month.

  10. miz- Jordan is definately NOT smart. SHe is clinically stupid. I think she's just been lucky, where some coincidences have happened that reddem her stupidity somewhat. Or has been "lucky smart" where every once in a while she gets it... but "smart" is just not the word to describe her ever. And I LOVE "Jordough" I'm stealing that :)

  11. I LOVE you!! I just found your blog a couple weeks ago I read it everyday. I've started to go back and read your old ones when I need a laugh. I'm thinking of getting twitter just to follow you!! PS I love Jeff and I hope he wins. He's just so yummy!!!