Friday, August 28, 2009

Sashay, Chante! Chante, Chante, Chante! Part 2

If you're arriving here late today, this is Part 2. Please go to the post before this to read Part 1.

OK so you caught me. I really wanted to do a two parter today only because I had another great scarf photo I wanted to use.

Alright kids, let's check back on Michele and see how she's doing.

Oh come on! She's in the fetal position now? Hmmm, why isn't she wearing her hooker heels? She always wears her black plastic hooker heels with that dress. Maybe that's why she's so sad and not feeling herself today. Oh fuck it, I don't care what is wrong with her anymore. I want her to cut this shit out so I can move on to a more fabulous topic.

Yikes! That's not a good angle is it? Finally, Michele gets up and goes to the bathroom to no doubt shove her fist up her ass and make herself feel better. And thank god for that. I'm so bored with her at this point.

Back in the Red Room (where all the mattresses have been moved to), Natalie is already running Kevin's HOH. She tells him to nominate Jeff and Michele. The plan is to tell Jeff that he is the pawn, but really they're going to evict his ass. Start stabbing yourselves in the eye this week Jeffy Pooh's fans. Its' not going to be a pretty week for you at all.

Ragamuffin does stop to wonder if actually it would be better to get out Michele this week. She knows next week will be a mental challenge and Michele is good at those. Maybe she should go home now? Kevin tells her that Jeff is a double threat. He's good at both mental and physical and he's the better choice. Kevin wonders if maybe they can make a deal with someone. Natalie says there's no way they can make a deal with Michele. A deal with her means nothing. Kevin tells Natalie she HAS to win HOH next week. Fat chance of that happening. Ragamuffin couldn't win an HOH if it sat on her face.

Michele finally emerges from the bathroom and Jordan asks her why she's crying. Michele says it's because she's going on the block and I punched Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the balls. I'm sorry. I had to. It was an involuntary reflex. Michele puts on her best fake smile, looks in the mirror, and prepares to smear liptstick all over her face. Unfortunately, BB calls Michele to the DR before we can witness the magic.

Over in the Red Room Jeff says how he wants to get drunk and then he launches into making fun of Jordan. Apparently, all of the cups during the comp had holes in them and Jeff kept screaming to Jordan that she had a hole in her cup, but she kept ignoring him. He tried to tell her she had to cover up her hole, but she wouldn't listen to his shouts of, "There's a fucking hole in your cup!" and she made him mad. Jordan just layed there quietly wondering if there was any tartar sauce in the fridge.

Jeff, still thinking that he's king of the house, goes on to attack Michele. He says he was shocked at her performance in the HOH. He says, “I don’t think she was giving her all [in the HOH]. I thought she’d put up a better fight than that.” Jordan tells them that she's crying in the DR and they all laugh and say how she's been crying a lot lately. HAHA!

Jordan says she'll need a "rubber" later and Jeff's ears perk up a little. Turns out she's talking about how she needs a person to rub her not a prophelactic. Natalie says her "rubber" Jessie is gone and Jeff says Jessie is probably using plenty of rubbers in the jury house. Ragamuffin drooled a little and spat in Jeff's face. Jordan asked if the jury house would really have condoms in it. Jeff says, "Fuck yeah! They're all probably jerking off too." I told you Jeff has choking the bishop on his mind. I'll bet the one thing he wants most in the world right now is a good long session of self-love. Boy is ready to explode.

The conversation turns back to Michele and Kevin says how Michele threw too many people under the bus too many times and now she needs to go. Good Fabulicious. Lull Jeff and Jordan into a state of contentment. Put a spell over them and make them think they're safe. Jeff jumps in and says, "I don't do Michele anymore. I'm done with her." Kevin sees his chance to win Jeff's trust and says how he believes Russell when he said that Michele was just using Jeff and Jordan to get to the end of the game. He tells them how if Michele gets to the Final 3 with Jeff and Jordan that she'll definitely get to the Final 2 and could very well win the game.

Ragamuffin chimes in and tells them how Michele has made a calendar with her birth control pills. Jeff says, "Good. Then let's get her outta here." Kevin goes on to say that Michele lies to everyone all the time and Jeff jumps in mocking Michele and her stupid stories. I poured myself another glass of gin and tickled Mr. O'Shaugnessy's balls. You don't know pure joy until you've heard a leprechaun giggle. Jeff and Jordan warn Kevin for the annoyance that is Michele. They tell him how she constantly tries to work an HOH and is always up in the room lurking about. They tell him she'll be up there constantly talking shit. Ragamuffin pipes up and says the anger Jeff had for Russell is the anger she has for Michele.

Jordan jumps in and tells Natalie how Michele tried to tell her that Natalie was after Jeff and Jordan (which is true). Natalie says, "Why would I tell Michele anything?" Jeff expresses how he's really furious how Michele would come up to him and lie to him about Russell. They talk about how Russell would try to use the "faggot" and "gay" remarks to win Kevin over. Jeff decides to go ahead and tell Kevin what Russell said after the chicken/egg comp. Jeff tells Kevin how Russ said, "That fucking faggot! I can't believe that fucking faggot won a no talent POV!" Last time Jeff told that story he used the word "homo". After Jeff didn't want Jordan to tell Russ she knew about the story and now he changes the wording, I'm wondering if Russell ever really said those things. The feeds were down when it supposedly took place so I guess we'll never know.

Kevin says it was amazing to him how Russell tried to use the gay card to win him over. He says, "He must think I'm so simple to fall for that." Oh Kevin, I just want to squeeze you and take you shopping for more pedal pushers.

They go back to talking about the HOH comp and Jeff is kissing Kevin's ass telling him how great he was. Jeff starts to laugh at how everyone was all falling down. He loves it when people fall down. He loves that shit. I'll bet he loves it when dads get smashed in the balls with a baseball bat on America's Funniest Home Videos too. Kevin starts to talk about how he's always saying how cute Jeff is in the DR and how he hopes his Boyf doesn't get mad. He says he really wanted to say that Jeff "looked like he knew how to handle a hose" but he refrained because of his Boyf. Jeff cracks up and says his Boyf probably thinks it's all really funny. Kevin says he hates it when the DR tells him to be funny. Funny just happens. You can't force it.

They all try to guess what Kevin's Boyf looks like and Kevin tells him that he's Mexican, has jet black hair, and is as white as Jeff. Jeff says his HOH will probably be really emotional and Kevin assures him that it won't be. They ask Kevin how he met his Boyf and you can tell it's a really good story... UNFORTUNATELY, Kevin refuses to tell it. He told someone he met him at Banana Republic but then he started to say something about Jehovah's Witnesses and he just says, "I really don't want to talk about it."

Michele finally emerges from the DR and she skips into the kitchen all giddy and begins to talk to the stove. Ummm I'll have some of what Michele is having. I'm so convinced that there is a fully stocked pharmacy just adjacent to the DR. A man in white scrubs sits there with a mask over his face. He looks the HG's up and down, pauses to think for a minute, and then doles out little capsules of goodness. I want one of those too!

After what seems like forever Kevin finally gets his HOH and his Boyf is a hot piece of Latin ass. He looks just like Enrique Iglesias and Ragamuffin and Pork Chop Betty are in love. They don't shut up about how hot he is. Rump Roast Mary says, "I wish he wasn't gay!" Kevin gets Twinkies (to which Kevin said, "I love twinks and Twinkies!"), Hamburger Helper, Cheetohs, Axe body wash, tons of fruit, new sandals, a pimped out Kanye West style Japanese hoody, and a new scarf! His CD is Enrique Iglesias and they all laugh. Ragamuffin demands he check out his fridge and inside there is fried chicken, sushi, and Mike's Hard Lemonade. Kevin doesn't really drink so he wonders why it's there. Ragamuffin blurts out that she put it on her list so it must be for her. Kevin says she can have them all. How they don't know she's not 18 at this point is a mystery to me.

Then we get to the BEST HOH letter reading ever. Kevin opens is letter and is surprised and shocked it's so long. It starts out, "Hello Kevin, my love..." That's all it took. Kevin is a weepy mess, I'm a weepy mess, all the other chicks watching are weepy messes. I wrapped myself in a chenille scarf and dabbed at my eyes with a silk hanky while Kevin read his letter. His Boyf tells him how it's been a challenge being without him this long. They've never been separated for this length of time in all the 9 years they've been together. He tells him how when he goes to the movies he misses not being able to hold his hand and whisper to him when something exiciting happens. All of their friends go over to his house to watch Big Brother every week and Kevin is really shocked at this. He's so humble and so sweet and so genuine and I just want to dip him in chocolate and eat him up. His Boyf tells him to keep his genuine essence that made him fall in love with him and my tears soaked my chenille.

*climbs up on soapbox*

It's so amazing to me that the state of California can deny these two lovely men who are so obviously madly in love with each other the privilege of marriage. They are no different from a heterosexual couple. They just want to be in love and get married and maybe one day have a family. To deny anyone an official marriage union is completely barbaric to me. I think several years from now we'll all look back on this time in our history in much the same way we look back at the Civil Rights movement. We'll wonder why we ever thought that way and why we ever thought it was right to keep a certian group of people down. It'll be something our country will be embarassed about and people will one day teach their kids that homosexuals are no different than heterosexuals. I wish that day were today, but until then I urge you all to take a stand and oppose legislation like Prop 8. I, for one, will be marching in Washington this October to oppose the inequalities afforded the LGBT community in this country.

*climbs off of soapbox*

OK so my lovely clip girl (and birddog1) came through and you can all witness the loveliness for yourselves. Please to enjoy:

Later in the evening Michele is in the HOH with Kevin telling him how all she's wanted all along was Natalie out of the house. She confesses she wanted the Ragamuffin out based on purely personal stuff. Kevin tells her how that's not a really smart way to play the game. They both talk about Russell and how he talked shit to both of them. She chews her face and tells Kevin how she's only said nice things about him and how great he is and blah blah blah my screen got soaked from shooting at her image with my squirt gun. Kevin tells Michele that everything this week may ride on the POV and that he may end up having to break a tie in the end. He tells her that he knows that if Jeff is in the Final 2 he'll definitely get America's vote. Good point, but don't tell her that!

Kevin tells Michele that he hasn't made up his mind yet and that he could even nominate Natalie. Michele jumps in saying how Natalie has been protected by someone throughout this whole game. Kevin tells her he has to talk to Jeff and Jordan still, but that it's looking it's between Jeff, Jordan and Michele.

Ragamuffin goes marching up to the HOH and tells Kevin how Jeff was worried Michele was throwing them under the bus. Ragamuffin tells Kevin to make Jeff think he's a pawn and that if Kevin wins POV he'll take him off the block. Kevin gets confused and asks if the plan is still to get rid of Jeff. Ragamuffin has been thinking that maybe Russell was right after all and maybe they should go after Michele this week. Keep in mind that Natalie just came out of the DR. I smell something stinky and I'm thinking it's BB's stupid ass messing with the game. Don't get me wrong I'll be pleased as punch to see Michele go, but I want the decision to be made by Kevin and Natalie NOT by BB.

Down in the Red Room Jeff is confident he is not going on the block and Jordan is telling him how she got scared in the comp because Jeff was yelling at her. She tells him she was pooped after 4 laps and knew she'd never win. She was pooped because she had a rack of lamb sitting in her stomach.... that's why she was pooped The rest of the night is spent with mindless chit chat and Jordan won't shut up about he she wants to win clothes in a luxury competition. Oh please Jordan. You know you want to win a endless chain of sausages instead.

Today expect to see Jeff and Michele on the block. It all comes down to POV this week. If Jeff wins, Kevin and Natalie will feign joy and just go ahead and get rid of Michele. If Jeff or Michele don't win POV, I expect the weekend will be spent flipping back and forth over who is the best one to send home.

Super special shout out to angelface041206, kfort78, MOsborne05… if I forgot you I did it on purpose… how else am I gonna get you bitches to keep coming back everyday? ;)

A little note to MissJavaGirl: Yes, I must insist you wrap yourself in all things SURVIVOR (and all of your little - well, maybe not so little - baby making friends too). Trust me. You will enjoy it and my blogs will only be the icing on the cake. You'll be talking all things tribal council by the time I get done with you. You are to blame for all the crazy hormonal pregnant women stalking me day and night so you owe me. Now go get yourself some Krispy Kremes and some pickles and have a party. New blog posts are going up at the Bitchy Survivor Blog everyday. I'm currently analyzing the cast members and making fun of them so a good time will be had by all.

JoCaPa I heart you for that new thread you started. Only now I'm spending way too much time over at that damn Baby Center. If I catch pregnancy from you ladies, I'm gonna pissed! ;)

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  1. Love your blogs and agree with you on the Prop 8 issue, I just don't get what the big deal is and hope that it changes soon. I was so disappointed that it failed. Well I'm heading to the Bitchy Survivor Blog next!!

  2. Love your blog! I look forward to a bitchy update daily! But really, how can you not comment about the skinless Manbeats's hot pink tights in the Jury House from Thursday night? No straight man would be caught dead in those!

  3. I was eating my bowl of lucky charms this morning thinking Kevin really needs to get rid of Natalie or Michele this week. Now here's my thinking. If he gets rid of Jeff this week then Jordon is going to be super pissed and team up with Michele. Those two have won stuff unlike Natalie!! Natalie hasn't done shit this whole game and won't be able to help Kevin next week. I think the smartest move for him to make would be to do final three with j/j. I think he can beat them in the end or final two with Michele at least she might be able to win HOH for him next week!

    So my vote Natalie goes home this week and Kevin teams up with ass licker!

    ps I agree glenn what the hell was up with those tights!!

  4. Thanks glenn! You should comment more often. Yes, I totally forget about the Hairless Manbeast's tights... you know when I was just typing that I accidently wrote, "Manless Hairbeast". LOL I love it.

    Jamie, I LOVE that you were eating a bowl of Lucky Charms. Mr. O'Shaugnessy wants you to fantasize about him tonight.