Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Basically The Biggest Loser Won

Warning: This is not going to be the least bit polite.

Well wasn't that the biggest load of fuckery you've ever seen last night? Stupidity and ignorance just won a half a million dollars. Congratulations Jordan. You are now officially the dumbest person ever to win Big Brother. What are you going to do with your winnings? Might I suggest you invest in some books and a treadmill? It's just a thought. The only comfort I have that let's me sleep peacefully is knowing that Jordan will discover all of her naked pictures posted all over the internet and be mortified. At least I have that.

Kevin, wherever you are Scarfed One, you should have won. You were the best game player and the most deserving. Likability and strategy all rolled up into one fabulicious pedal pusher wearing mass of awesomeness. I hope wonderful things come your way and that you and your Boyf are one day able to marry legally.

Now I must discuss Ronnie. For those of you who don't know, this blog coined the phrase "Ronnie Is The Square Root Of All Evil". Michelle Talbott told CBS people in a phone interview that I had referred to Ronnie as that and they used it in one of the shows. Ronnie contacted me a couple weeks ago and asked my permission to wear a "Square Root Of All Evil" t-shirt on the show. I told him he could absolutely wear the shirt under one teeny tiny stipulation. If Julie asked him about his shirt he was supposed to work in a shout out to me and my blog. Ronnie agreed and said it would be no problem. Well, he wore the shirt and Julie asked him about it. Did I get my shout out? No, I did not. I was OK with it last night, but today I'm PMS'd so I'm a little ticked off. I'm not sure if Ronnie mentioned me in an exit interview later on last night - that would be ok as well - because I only saw the Dick interviews, but I can't help but feel a little angry. Had Julie not specifically asked about the shirt, I wouldn't care, but she did ask about it and all Ronnie did was laugh. I'll wait until I hear from him to get the whole story before I go off.

My only criticism of last night's show, besides not being mentioned, is that not enough time was spent on the reunion portion. I wanted more drama amongst all the HG's and for people to confront each other and call each other out. Instead we got about 15 minutes of crap we all already knew. I thought the point of the 2 hour finale was to have more of a reunion style format like Survivor's finale. Major fail CBS.

Congratulations to KevinFTW! You are the proud winner of an AUTHENTIC Mr. O'Shaugnessy Mug. Please email me at with your mailing address and I'll put the fabulosity in the mail ASAP.

Speaking of Mr. O'Shaugnessy, he ran away last night. His last tweet was that he was on I95 looking for someone to pick him up. I'm worried about my little guy. My anger has subsided and I'd like him to return home safely now. If you're out there pumpkin, I'm waiting for you. *hides the hot poker in the linen closet*

OK so I stayed up super late last night watching Dick's exit interviews. The stream was horrible and choppy and it was difficult to sit through, but I did it because I suffer for my art. ;) Let me preface this by saying I'm not really a Dick fan. After his season ended, he was such a jack ass in all the press he did that I grew to really dislike him. I thought he was obnoxious and smug and I just wished he'd go away. Last night Dick won me over. He's back into my good graces now and the exit interviews might just explain why.

The stream starts and we can hear Dick telling someone about some stupid tv show he wants to get produced. He tells us that Jen Johnson is there interviewing for MSN and that Diane Henry is there interviewing for CBS2. He referred to this season as "The Season Of The Nonplayer" and said the Final 3 were the worst Final 3 in BB history.

Dick goes on to say that had Ronnie stuck around, he would have been the most diabolical player in BB history and would have been very exciting to watch. This strikes me as hysterical because all I've ever heard from Day 1 from the chat hags was that Dick would tear Ronnie a new one and give him a piece of his mind. Well, chat hags, like everything else you've ever uttered YOU ARE WRONG! They also insisted Dick would hate Lydia, Natalie, and Kevin. You'll see in the interviews just how wrong the chat hags were.

OK let's recap the interviews:

Casey: Super boring and uninteresting. Casey said if he had to do it all over again he'd play up the DJ angle instead of the educator angle. What the hell does that even mean? Idiot.

Russell: Russell completely kissed Dick's ass saying he was his inspiration for wanting to be the villain. He says the wrong person won and how he couldn't believe that being lazy actually got rewarded. Russ says that Natalie played from Day 1 and should have won. Dick agrees with him and jokes that Russ is trying to make an alliance already for the next All Stars. I guess that means that Dick will be back to play again. Russell tells Dick that he was recruited for the show when he was out drunk with his boys one night in a bar.

This whole time during the interview Braden is pacing in the background hoping someone will notice him. LOL

Dick asks Russ about the Chima showmance and Russ says he tried to flirt with all the girls because it's better to have the ladies on his side than against him. Dick says it's especially handy when they're all on their periods to have them on your side. Dick tells Russell his game play was good, but often times appeared to be out of control. Dick tells Russell it's his fault that Jessie was back in the house and that he (and production) would have preferred if Brian had come back. The interview ends with Russell muttering, "The wrong person... the wrong person..." He is of course referring to Jordan.

Braden stands with Dick for a millisecond and then gets booted for Michele. LMAO

Michele: Awkard and stupid. Dick tells her he wanted to cry with her when she was having her meltdowns. Are you fucking kidding me? Those meltdowns were comedy gold. He picks on her for not being able to remember anything and ends the interview telling her she was painful to watch. LMAO Ok now that was funny.

Ronnie: This may surprise you, but Dick is a Ronnie fan. He wanted Ronnie to stay in the game and be the most evil player ever. He told Ronnie he played too hard too fast and lied about silly things that didn't matter. Dick says that Ronnie let his HOH go to his head and that was his downfall. He says it was Jeff's downfall too. Ronnie says the high point of the entire game was when he got to enter the house first. He's such an uber fan that that meant the most to him. He mentions how when he got home he had 800 emails saying he was robbed and should have lasted longer. Ronnie says the most difficult part of the game was seeing the photo of his wife and cat. He wasn't prepared for the emotion he would feel and it hurt his game play. Dick agrees with Ronnie and says the photos in his HOH fucked with his head too.

Laura: Her teeth have totally grown. Laura makes no sense in her interview. She says her biggest mistake was not winning the first HOH and then she says winning the first HOH is a silly move. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about and I begin to get a craving for oats just watching her.

Dick reveals he took Krazy James to Amsterdam and they had a wild time.

Braden: He finally gets his wish and gets some air time. The stream is super choppy and hard to follow. Braden actually says he was happy he got evicted when he did because he was able to be with his mom on her birthday. Dick just kind of gives him a look that says, "Are you fucking serious?" Braden says he's been surfing everyday and traveling the world. Uhhh no he hasn't. He hasn't traveled the world. He's been in his friend's basement posting stupid videos on youtube. I've seen them. He tells Dick he's producing a photo shoot in Las Vegas and need 5 supermodels. Dick counters telling him that the owner of the Bunny Ranch invited him to his birthday party. Names begin dropping like flies.

Dick reveals he hasn't spoken to Daniele since December. He says, "She's a tough one."

Lydia: Thank god for Lydia. Lydia says Kevin should have won and the only reason the other 2 made it to the final was because hell froze over. Lydia had told everyone to get Jordan out earlier in the game. She feared that Jordan would skate to the end and that's exactly what she did. Dick tells Lydia he loves her attitude and he tries to get dirt on Jessie. Dick then says what I've been saying all along. Relationships accelerate in the house because you're with the other person ALL THE TIME. 1 week in the house is like 1 month on the outside. Dick tells Lydia he loved it when she went crazy and dumped out all of Michele's beer (I loved it too!) . Dick and Lydia are totally hitting it off and chatting like they're old friends. Dick begins to flirt with her and he tells her he'll tie her to a bedpost when they're in Vegas and find out if she really has her ass tattooed. LMAO Again, the chat hags used to insist that Dick would loathe Lydia and, again, they're 100% wrong.

Dick says he never would have agreed to have been 1 of the 4 who got the chance to come back. He says you have to take care of your house payments, car payments, etc for 3 months and it's too much work to do for a 1 in 4 chance. We also discover that Lydia was recruited for the show.

Jessie: Dick asks Jessie why he didn't try to make a deal with Jeff if he knew Jeff had the Coup D'Etat. Dick tells Jessie he admired how he changed his game play up this time around. Jessie is stunned that Dick is being nice to him and says this wasn't the interview he expected. Apparently, there was some bad blood between these two over come comments made about House Calls. Jessie is seriously shocked that Dick is being compimentary and cool. Dick tells Jessie he's gonig to laugh so hard when he sees the "Widows crying" footage.

Here is something that shocks the hell out of me: Dick says that he thought it was unfair that BB let America have a hand in the Coup D'Etat. He thinks BB simply set up Jessie to fail. I'm inclined to agree. BB had to know Jeff would have won and who he'd get rid of.

Dick mentions to Jessie how he used to throw Dustin's clothes over the wall, but BB yelled at him because they were hitting people's cars. OK here is where my Hypocradar starts beeping. The chat hags were so up in arms over Natalie stealing Michele's gloves saying she should be kicked out for messing with someone's personal property. These are the same women who like Dick and have no problem with what Dick did to Dustin's clothes. What fucking hypocrites! What Dick did is much worse than what Natalie ever did.

Jeff: Dick calls Jeff America's Sweetheart and Jeff immediately gets into loser interview mode. He's talking about his game, but it sounds like he's just reiterating whatever he just said in all of his other interviews. Dick tells Jeff how he never understood why Jessie didn't try to make a deal with him. He also tells Jeff his head got way too big when he was HOH and that was his downfall. Jeff says, "Really?".

Dick then says the funniest thing I heard all night. He tells Jeff that him playing with Jordan was like dragging around a dead body. LMAO Jeff says he got so frustrated with Jordan and had a lot of trouble trying to get through to her.

We overhear Jordan in a interview saying she has to get back to work. Dick turns to Jeff and says, "Is she drunk? Does she not know her whole life is about to change?" Dick tells Jeff that Jordan has no idea what's in store for her.

There is some small off camera interaction with Jen Johnson and we find out that her and Nick broke up about a week into the current season. Dick and Jen are civil to each other and everyone viewing was shocked.

Dick tells Jeff that Natalie's experience outside the house will be completely different from his and Jordan's. Dick then begins talking about his own fame and he won't let Jeff get a word in edgewise which is actually fine with me at this point.

Kevin: Kevin reveals that everyone in the jury just told him that he would have won no matter who he took to the end with him. Grrrrrr! Why didn't he win that Part 3? Dammit! Dick tells Kevin that his lie (the LML) was one of the best and biggest moves in the game. Dick really likes Kevin and respects his game play. He tells Kevin how Jeff said the house was his when he was HOH and Kevin says, "Oh no he di'in't!" Dick tells Kevin that his lie was as big and as huge as the Coup D'Etat. You can tell Dick really respects Kevin and I feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Jordan: She's wearing some stupid tie sweater thing and she looks ENORMOUS when she stands sideways. I know she's not fat, but that sweater is so bulky and huge that she seriously looked like she could be on the Biggest Loser. Of course I feel all warm and tingly inside knowing that she looks lumpy and wretched. Bitch should not have won. Dick tells Jordan how popular she is and how her and Jeff's showmance is probably the most popular in the history of the show. Jordan looks at him and says, "Reallly?" Jordan says getting rid of Kevin was her best move because she wouldn't have won otherwise. That's right bitch. You most definitely wouldn't have won. Dick tells her she has no idea what's in store for her and she's waddles off to go take some pictures.

Natalie: Dick tells Natalie that he thought she was going to win. Natalie says, "I did too Dick." He says that Jordan had zero game play and that he respected how Natalie played the whole entire time she was in the house. He tells her she has A LOT of haters, but that she should try not to give a shit. Natalie says for every hater there are 2 people that love her. LMAO No Natalie, you are wrong. Everyone hates you.

Dick tells Natalie that lying about her age was a stupid move and that he hated it when Daniele did it too. He says you shouldn't lie about little things that make no difference to the game. Natalie tells him she firmly believes her lie got her to the end. Natalie says she was always running the house even way before she ever got HOH. She says the only reason she cried over Jessie was because she was drinking wine. She actually thinks Jessie didn't vote for her simply because she didn't return his affection.

Natalie tried for 2 years to get on the show. The first time she didn't even get a call back. She says she's loves the attention she's getting and wants it to continue. She'd go back in the house in a heartbeat and wants to talk to Allison about giving her a Big Brother wedding. LMAO That would never happen in a million years because no one would ever tune in.

I have to say that I pretty much agree with everything Dick was saying. I've always respected the game players and loathed the people who did nothing or played moronically. I liked Lydia purely for the entertainment and so did Dick. The wrong person most definitely won and the real players all picked each other off too early in the game.

Overall I really did enjoy this season. It had great drama, scandals, and fights. It's a shame it all had to come to an end with such a lousy winner. I look forward to BB12 where we get to do this all over again. Thank you so much to all of my readers for their continued support over the past 10 weeks. I will continue to post here when there is breaking BB news or cast interviews. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this summer, please click on my donate button and show me some love.

Survivor fans please check out the Bitchy Survivor Blog. All of the cast videos have been posted for your viewing pleasure.

Amazing Race fans please check out the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. Cast videos will be going up over the next week.

Follow me on Twitter for blog updates and all sorts of fabulous commentary: @ColetteLala

You can also follow Mr. O'Shaugnessy on Twitter for all things leprechaun: @Mr_OShaugnessy

Thanks again to everyone who has made this blog part of their daily ritual! You guys have been awesome this summer and I've enjoyed every day of it.
BIG BIG BIG shouts out to Simon over at, BB11_Unleashed, all the baby makers over at that Baby Website, and everyone who's commented here and sent me tweets over the past several weeks. I love hearing what all of you guys have had to say and I really appreciate all of your continued support. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Kisses and margaritas for everyone!

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  1. When Jordan won, I immediately texted my friend and said BBBB is gonna poke her eyes out!!

    I found your blog late, but I have SOOO enjoyed it! Can't wait for Survivor to more day! Woohoo! I look forward to reading it!

    Thanks! You rock!

  2. Lala, thanks so much for keeping us update with your spin on the BB house and show. I guess it helps me like it even more since we were rooting for the same people. Too bad Kevin didn't win that last round - he deserved to win the whole thing. Oh well, on to the next show....

  3. Was Julie wearing a snugglie last night? Very distracting! Anyway, I've said it before, great fun here thanks!
    Susan in FL.

  4. No... Thank you Lala!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed reading your blog. I may not always agree, but I ALWAYS laugh so hard I almost cry. I will definitely be back next season for more! You're the HBIC of all things Big Brother related!

  5. BRAVO LaLa BRAVO! You get a standing-O from me!

    Awesome job on your blog. Laughed every single day (even though we didn't always agree). Natalie will forever be Ragamuffin to me! Really, really, really enjoy your work.

    Will be hitting your tip jar and see you next year or sooner if I decide to dive into Survivor or TAR this year.


  6. I love all thangs Lala..

  7. Oh LaLa. Whyyyyyyy? I can't believe the weeble wobble won. Oh well. I can't let it make me bitchy. I've ate too many babies this season. I love Kev & Lyd forever. They made the season watchable. Thanks for a great season, LaLa.

    FYI - Braden on Facebook - re: his Jessie is a pimp comments; "I had to say that garbage. You think I would say that? You think I want to say that malarky? Hellz no.....come on you guys are pretty smart."

    His facebook 'fans' were on him pretty hard for inflating Jessie's already large ego. So I do not know whether to call bullshit on this one or not. Could be that Braden was just trying to save face so he would not look like a complete douche once again. Or he could be telling the truth, which means that once again BB production manipulates everything to go the way they want it to.

    I think that all feed viewers should be allowed access to all diary room sessions after the show is over. Just so we can see how much production meddles.

    Love you, La.

  8. Great season from you. Lala. Loved all your blogs even when I was not agreeing with you. Really appreciate all the time you've spent with us. Have a great vacation and will see you on your Survivor blog..Love ya, girl.

  9. You are way too cynical. Jordan may come off as dumb as bricks, but she was also pretty perceptive and very good at playing the unknowing, incapable underdog. She was much more skilled then you give her credit for. She won four competitions. Yes, one was given to her, but your precious Kevin got the last comp he won given to him too. The reason you're angry at her for winning is because you are still under the trance of her game play persona. Why does it bug you so much that someone so sweet (and blubbery) can play mean people so well?

  10. Funny how while watching, all I could think about was you, LaLa. I had DVR'd it and was wondering if you were ok when Jordan won.

    I watched the ED interviews today. He's more interesting than the Season 11 hg, IMHO

    "I begin to get a craving for oats just watching her." Oh, my stomach! I couldn't stop laughing.

    Gotta admit I never knew Jen J. and Nick were dating. I knew she liked him in the house but didn't know it went further.

    When Natalie spoke about BB paying for her wedding to Julie -- I was just speechless.

    ED & Lydia: A match made in BB heaven.

    Thanks for a funny summer, LaLa.

  11. One thing that drives me nuts is when people say, so and so should have won. That is the stupidest argument because guess what they didn't. Kudos for Jorden for winning, but she wasn't the worst. Maggie comes to my mind on that one. Even Dick winning was a fluke.

    In the game expect the unexpected, you can not expect the winner either. 3rd place will never be 1st place. Ask Janelle that she got 3rd twice.

  12. I found your blog recently, but it made the season for me. Fantastic. I'll be coming back again for Survivor, TAR, and the next season of BB.

    Great work.

  13. "Bitch Big Brother Blog" made the CBS Big Brother TV Show waaaayyy more fun than it would ever have been without it!

    Thank you for that.

  14. I love your info today and 100% agree!! And this was the worst BB of all 11 of them, I have watched EVERY EPISODE from day 1-- Now I am done with BB -- NO BB 12 for me, I have been on double xanax since Kevin lost part 3 of HOH last night, and angry at the whole world over it, Jordumb was the worst outcome for winning BB 11 -- I AM DONE!! thanks for letting me vent, hopefully I can get over my RAGE!! Jo

  15. I too hate the "so and so should have won/deserved to win" there is no logic to that. people should just say "I liked so and so better" Jordan won final hoh and got the jury votes. she deserved to win. Dr Will and Dick are known schemers and have made scheming a popular way to play, but rit doesn't have to be limited to that. I'm glad Jordan won by just being herself. I get sick of these "characters" people put on. BB would be so boring if all the winners always had the same game play. Kudos to Jordan.

    Thanks Lala for making this season the best ever. I love your blog and will follow you anywhere.

  16. Your astute, and hilarious, observations kept things interesting. Just had a horrible thought, will they bring back Jordough for All Stars.? Looking forward to experiencing Bitchy Survivor. Thank you.

  17. Lydia tweeted me. hehe. Seriously though, she replied to my tweet. She loves me. That made my BB season end happily. And btw - Jessie tweets too now. @mrpectacular. Haha.

    Enjoy the vacay. See ya for Survivor.

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. Thnx for all the laughs Lala. Your take on BB may not be the same as everyone else's (thank the Lord) but it sure as HELL is entertaining. I've favorited all your blogs...Survivor and AR here we come! Hopefully Mr. O will make it back in time. I know of some people looking for that Pot of Gold...heh

    Yeah, I deleted the previous post. (I hate typos)

  20. Jordan can be said something of a loser.But she underplayed very well in the big brother season11 and eventually became the winner.