Monday, July 12, 2010

All Annie, All The Time

The night air was pregnant with possibilities. A full moon hung high in the black inky sky. Horny lightning bugs flitted here and there piercing the darkness with their teeny tiny asses. In an alley somewhere a cat meowed lazily. And in Studio City on the CBS backlot, an attractive blonde was ready to take flight. Kristen stood naked with only the moon's reflection in the pool to light her body. She mumbled something in Ancient Enochian, her eyes rolled back into her head, and in a New York minute she was gone. Tonight she's an owl. She'll sit high in an oak tree, hoot once in a while, and then that's it. We'll never hear from her again.... at least not today. Shapeshifter girl has cars to poop on and Yorkies to steal. Welcome to Day 8 in the Big Brother house Bitches. Let's recap, shall we?

We begin with Annie. Actually, we're going to end with her too. It's all Annie, all the time I'm afraid. Strap yourselves in and get ready. Annie and Hayden will have many conversations today. This first one, just like all the others, takes place in the HOH room. Annie is wondering why she's the one getting shit on in the house when it's Britney who's the vile hose beast. *to be read in a Jan Brady voice* Britney, Britney, Britney! Annie's just trying to make friends and influence people. Britney's the liar who pulls wings off of butterflies and kicks puppies for fun. Why isn't she being targeted too? I can see where Annie is coming from and I'm still really not clear on how Annie became the designated victim in the house. Hayden just sits there and nods his helmet back and forth. He even says he doesn't really care for that bitch Britney. This is music to Annie's ears, but is it enough to keep her off the block?

Hayden presses Annie for more info about Brendon and Rachel. He wants to know exactly how close Annie is to Brendon. Now, this would have been a perfect opportunity for Annie to lie and tell Hayden exactly what he wants to hear. What does she do instead? She tells Hayden that she feels close to Brendon on a "personal level", but that she has no problem separating the personal from the game. Bitch please! Why, why, why would she even say that? Just tell Hayden that you think Brendon is up to something or that you feel no real allegiance to him. When your ass is on the line, you lie! To make matters worse, she talks about how smart Brendon is. Look, clearly Hayden some inner jealousy with Brendon eating away at him. Brendon is just one person in a house of many. Why he haunts Hayden's days and nights is beyond me, but since he does Annie needs to placate Hayden and his giant helmet and look out for number one... herself!

Annie goes on to say that people in the house asked her to feel out Brendon to see what he's up to. I have no idea if this is true or not. If they did ask her to go on a covert "Brendon Misson" it happened before the feeds went up. Somehow though, I'm thinking it's all kind of bullshit. After some more obsesssing about Brendon, the convo turns to Mr. Salvatore and who he could be. Both Hayden and Annie doubt it's Jewy because Jewy is so awkward and sticks out like a sore thumb. Annie claims she was holding hands with Monet during the blackout and in a very slippery way she insinuates that Britney could be Mr. Salvatore. Now, that's more like it. Lie if you have to. Plant every seed of doubt you can in Hayden's ginormous head. Make up things, invent conversations that never happened. I don't care what you do, but.... save your ass!

Annie eventually leaves and now it's Rachel's turn to kiss ass. She tells Hayden that if she stays she promises she won't put Hayden on the block. She even goes a step further and says that if someone else nominates Hayden and she wins POV, she'll take him off the block and save him. Hayden, like a desperate schoolgirl, pushes Rachel for info on the inner workings of Brendon's mind. He wants to know how often he shaves, does he use free weights, is he on a high protein diet. OK so maybe that's not really what he wanted to know, but it might as well have been. I've come to the conclusion that Hayden is in love with Brendon and maybe, someday, they'll make cocky giant headed babies.

Hayden then turns the conversation to a possible secret alliance with Brendon and Rachel. He's foaming at the mouth over how much he likes Brendon and how smart he is and does Rachel notice how is hair glistens in the sunlight? Ugh. It's ridiculous! Hayden's entire game play is literally based on Brendon's every move. Call me crazy, but Hayden has Badda-bing, the Plastics, and Kristen on his side. Why is Hayden letting one guy (who happens to be letting a showmance trump common sense) determine his future? I just don't get it. Even if Brendon wins HOH next week and Hayden goes on the block, chances are he can take himself off or win the votes to stay in the house. What makes Brendon so damn fascinating?!

The conversation goes on forever and they continually repeat themselves. In the end, Hayden says he wants a secret alliance with Rachel and Brendon even though he's still a little leery as to whether or not to trust them. And this is where it hits me. Hayden is trying to make secret alliances with everyone in the house. It's a little risky to do something like that in week 1 because people's tempers and personalities change like the wind. They're all still in the "getting to know you" phase. Week 4 or 5 is a better bet, not fucking week 1.

Then Brendon enters. Oh, for fuck's sake. They start all over again telling one another how they trust each other, how they won't nominate one another, how Brendon's pecs ripple in the pool just so... vomit. I'm so sick of these two blowing sunshine up each other's asses because you know deep down inside in the grossest part of their bowels they're just dripping with hate and feces. They go on and on and on running down the list of who they can trust and who they can't. They decide that it'd be great if Jewy won HOH next week because he'll go after all the people who fucked with him this week and then the blood will be on his hands, not Hayden or Brendon's. They agree that Jewy probably isn't Mr. Salvatore and Hayden steals Annie's line and says Jewy "sticks out like a sore thumb".

Just when I thought I was finally free of Hayden, Monet walks in. *gently thrusts barbecue skewers in between my finely painted toes* Monet wants to talk about Annie and Britney. She's heard that Annie is saying that Britney will stab her in the back. Hayden asks Monet what her gut tells her about Britney. Monet, surprisingly, replies that she doesn't trust Britney. OK then... Hayden doesn't trust her, Annie doesn't trust her, Monet doesn't trust her... put the bitch on the block and be done with it! But no, that would make too much sense. Instead, Monet assures Hayden that if Annie goes on the block, she's going home. Hayden is pleased and says he thinks Annie is Mr. Salvatore. Then, the feeds get cut. Why is it that whenever Hayden mentions that Annie is Mr. Salvatore, BB cuts the feeds? Are they nervous that Hayden will bring up the DR again or is Annie being protected in some way?

(Rachel post POV Ceremony)

Finally, we get to the POV Ceremony. Of course we didn't see it, but from what I can tell it was a doozy dripping with deliciousness. Brendon removed himself from the block, Hayden nominated Annie, and I think Annie unleashed on Britney in front of everyone calling her a liar and blaming her for all the ills in the world. Sounds fabulous, right? The weirdest part though is that now Rachel is crying. Rachel? Apparently, she's so overwhelmed with the emotional weight of the POV Ceremony that she just breaks down and loses it. Meanwhile, Annie is flipping off the cameras, asking BB for vodka, and packing her bags muttering to herself how she should have never come on this show.

This is where I get pissed off. Annie has 4 days. Count 'em... 1,2,3,4... to make something happen and change people's minds. Anything can happen from now until Thursday. People are already uncomfortable with Brendon and Rachel being so tight. It's not impossible to break them up. There's still a chance. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I hate it when people give up and accept their fate. Fight, think outside the box, mess with people's minds, plant lies, but, for crying out loud, don't give up!

Apparently, Lane feels just like I do. He encourages Annie to calm down and not give up. Annie snaps back telling him that Britney has everyone in the house wrapped around her little finger, including Lane. Meanwhile, Rachel is still crying saying how blessed she is to be there and how she doesn't want to talk behind people's backs and campaign against Annie. Bitch please! Why are you on Big Brother then? Rachel seems like a nice person and I don't really have a problem with her, but I can't for the life of me figure out why she's in this house. She doesn't want to talk crap, she doesn't want to campaign, and she doesn't want to backstab. All she wants to do is cuddle and make out. She should have applied for The Real World then or maybe The Bachelorette.

Up in the HOH room, Lane is talking about how he wants Annie to calm down and reveal all she knows before she leaves. Ok, am I insane or does Annie really not know all that much? It's only been a few days. Why does everyone think this chick has insight into everyone's game play? I seriously think either everyone in this damn house is fucking nuts or there is a secret feed full of all sorts of strategic secrets that I'm not privy to. Annie's just kind of annoying and phony. That's all! She's not psychic, she's not reading tea leaves behind everyone's back, and she's not this giant well of information. She's just a girl with saggy boobs and a weird spine who talks a little too much. It's really amazing how completely off everyone is in reading each other. The only instinct everyone has that's right is the one telling them not to trust Britney. Are they paying attention to it? No! They're pushing it down as hard as they can and ignoring it. *throws hands up in the air*

An hour or so later and Annie is back up in the HOH with Hayden. She doesn't understand how her going home benefits Helmet Head. Neither do I. She's furious that Britney lies and gets rewarded. She's tired of being isolated and targeted when there are others in the house backstabbing and whispering. She tells Hayden that if everyone keeps ignoring Britney and letting her have her way she could go on to win this thing. Finally, she asks Hayden if there's anything she can do to stay. Hayden tells her she has 4 days. Annie pauses and then says, "This Britney thing is driving me crazy!" *sigh* Yes Annie, Britney is the devil and we all hate her, but there's nothing you can do about it now. You, my dear, yes you, are on the block not Britney. Hayden tells her to lay off the Britney thing cuz it's not going to get her anywhere and will probably be a disservice to Annie in the end.

Fast forward to a little later... Annie is now crying to Brendon. She says she has no chance of staying and that she upheaved her entire life to be there. She's only going to make $775 and that doesn't even cover one month's rent. She's furious that she tried in the comps, talked to people, and was honest. She says she should have been weak and kept her mouth shut. I don't know about the weak part, but, yes, keeping your mouth shut might have been a good idea. Brendon tries his best to console her and tells her he wishes he could help. Annie snaps at him and says, "You're choosing a showmance, do you get that?!" LOL Ok that was funny. Funny and true. Brendon ignores the comment and tells Annie she was good enough to get on the show. Annie sighs and says she quit her job, paid money to get to L.A., and has probably lost all her friends at home. Drama queen.

By the time evening comes, Annie is still doing her "Annie thing" and the Have-Nots are obsessed with food. They get to eat at midnight so they literally spend hours planning how they'll stuff their faces. Rachel says she wants to make a pizza with macaroni and cheese on top and ice cream on the side. I have no idea if she ever carried out her culinary plans because I passed out from the boredom.

Big shout out to DixieDoll who said I write like a "raunchy prison inmate". I've made an appointment and I'm getting that phrase tattoed on my ass by the end of the day. Thanks bitch!

So, do you guys want Annie to find a way to stay in the house? Who do you now think is Mr. Salvatore? Will Kristen ever revert back to her human form? Does Andrew have a chance in hell in winning HOH? Will Hayden and Brendon ride off into the sunset together? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Annie = evicted
    Kristen will never revert back
    Andrew = a chance if he can win ever single competition otherwise he's just another Zach (bb8)
    Hayden + Brendon = this seasons secret showmance

  2. You know, when we got our first look at the HGs, I was worried that Annie was going to be like Natalie BB11. She reminded me of her for some reason. It turns out she's nothing like her at all (except the loud cud-chewing food-smacking thing that all the HGs this year seem to have going on). But now I'm wishing that Annie would pull something Natalie-esque out of her ass. Convince Brendon she overheard Rachel saying that she's playing Brendon. Convince Britney that Rachel was talking shit about Britney's boob job (that should really piss Britney off). SOMETHING to keep herself in the game.

    On the other hand, if Annie's last name turns out to be Salvatore and she's evicted week one, it'll be hilarious to see what CBS does to scramble to fix it.

    And you're gonna disown me, but I like Lord Helmet's hair....when he's gotten all dirty from crawling through caramel or dangling from a giant wiener, then he takes a shower and gets it all nice and clean, and it's half wet/half dry....I really just wanna stick my fingers in it. I don't think he's all that cute. I don't think he's a great player. I just wanna stick my fingers in his hair. Is that so wrong?

  3. It is very disappointing that Annie is not fighting this apparent eviction. Tangerine pointed out several ways to turn things around but she could also say that Kathy & Britney are related on top of the things you mentioned for some icing on the cake. Plus, it may be true!? It would seem possible that B & K are related so why not run with it? She has nothing to lose at this point.

    Could it be possible that B & K are related plus there is another person who is Mr. Salvatore? This could be a way AG and CBS try to spice things up a little.

  4. Not wrong Creme Tangerine. I like Sir Helmet's hair too. Maybe it's that 70's look, or maybe it's just that little flip, but whatever it is the look is soooo Hayden.

    I don't care if Annie goes - and it would be hilarious if she were the great Mr. S.

  5. My thoughts....Kristen and Hayden are long time friends. Annie is not Mr. Salvatore but CBS wants her to stay because she can potentially become this years Chima (create loads of drama). Brittanys plan is to win over the guys but is unable to handle them being friends with other women-that is why she speaks bad about them. I say give Monet a break she has to kind of agree with Brittany to keep Brittany on her side if you notice Brittany does most of the bad talking and Monet has a right to dislike Rachael who showed her true colors buy rolling her eyes at Monet. Lets face it Monet is the easy expendable person in the house (we all know why)so she is unable to play as freely as others or speak her mind. Brendan to me seems weak and stupid for choosing to go after Monet of all people she is the one person he can for sure beat in the end-not quite sure why he and Rach decided they did not like her hmmm! Love Enzo, Matt and could care less about Kathy Ragan and Britt whom are my top 3 candidates for Mr. Salavatore...Andrew is weird don't know how I feel...he should be at the top of my list for Mr. Salvatore but it seems to easy!

  6. I want Annie to stay. I'd rather watch her going into hysteria all summer... then watch Brendon and Rachel make babies. I've got tons of porn... I don't need to watch two famewhores doing it for unknown reasons.

    I also think that there are several 'previous relationships' in the house. But I also think Mel Gibson is awesome... so I'll keep that to myself.

  7. I really need Hayden to shave his pencil mustache off. Really. Today.

    I can't take all this poor me ish from Annie. Seriously, chica? Get it together. It would be SO easy to convince folks to get rid of Rachel. SO easy. Stop your whining, and make it happen. If she walks out the door with $775, she has no one to blame but herself.

  8. I just can't listen to Enzo eat anymore.... it makes me sick.

  9. ok, so this is the rant I posted last night on the BN at like 3am. Putting it here too so all can ponder:

    This is the number one reason why I love this girl:

    I don't like Michele Noonan aka Ass licker. I'll admit, I sorta liked her in the house, mostly I felt bad for her, but afterwards I really grew to hate her a lot. I hate her because she is trying so hard to change her image in the public eye while telling us its who she's really been the whole time. Like we're a bunch of idiots.

    SO - - I'm LOVING Rachel because she is everything Michele wants to be. She is doing everything Michele is trying to push on everyone in this really unnatural way..and Rachel is doing it as if it really IS who she is. I picture Michele up all night long watching the feeds, watching Rachel, crying her eyes out screaming things like "WHY???WHY?!?!?!" etc. If there is an open position for Gorgeous Science Chick, Rachel is going to get it because say what you want about her, she isn't awkward like Ass Licker.

    Maybe I just got really sick the night Britney and Monet were bashing her so hard, but I really like Rachel. I think she is friendly and at ease with herself. I agree that she gives an AWFUL first impression, but really? She's pretty awesome. She'll probably not go far in the game, but if she ever has success, I bet it won't be soley because of BB. She won't need to cling to its every fiber like some NeuroFreaks we know. Michele wants to pedal her NeuroGoddess merchandise? Fuck that. I'm team ChemGoddess 100%.

  10. Over/under on Enzo having any hair left by the end of the season:

    week 6

  11. hi,

    wow what a gr8 post, thanks for this reading.