Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Have Your Name Tattooed On My Pubes


Rachel grew up in a field of daisies. Butterflies fluttered around her head, birds sang songs specifically for her, chipmunks nuzzled her toes as she napped in a picturesque meadow. It never rained. It never snowed. When Rachel was 16 a woman in a pink bubble floated down and hand delivered 2 gigantic breastesses for Rachel to enjoy. It was then that Rachel knew she'd have to leave her strawberry picking unicorn petting paradise. It was time for her to enter the "real world" - a world where people are mean, selfish, two-faced, and, worse still, flat-chested. In search of the innocence of her homeland, Rachel ended up in Las Vegas. I think it was the bright shiny lights and glittery costumes that caught her eye. Little did she know that Vegas is the birthplace of sin... much like the Big Brother house... *dramatic sigh* Let's recap, shall we?


The day began with a yawn. HG's leisurely greeted the morn. Breakfast options were mulled over, Enzo planned his future t-shirt making business, and Rachel - poor poor Rachel - asked the crone of the house, Kathy, how she should act. "What do I say? How should I speak? What kind of gestures should I make?", she inquired. Kathy lit up a Marlboro Red, hacked and coughed while running her fingers through her Aileen Wuornos hair, and in that throaty voice of hers said, "Be yourself babe" *exhale* "It's all you can do." *inhale* "It's all any of us can do." Rachel swatted the smoke out of her eyes, sighed, and said in a far off voice, "I wish no one had to go home."


Enough! I can't stand this anymore. This isn't a Christian summer camp. It's Big Brother for chrissake! People will go home. People are supposed to go home. There's no dream catcher making classes or marshmallow roasting. It's just pure unadulterated assholeness steeped in bitchiness. Get with the program Rachel! Fuck!


OK enough of that. I have a super big announcement to make. Guess who's baaaaaack? It's the ShapeShifter queen herself! My darling Kristen has blown out her hair, she's looking lovely, and it appears as if she's decided to stay in her human form for at least a few hours. Kristen begins her day getting to know her arms and legs again and having a heart to heart with Hayden in the HOH. They're discussing whether or not they have enough votes to get Annie out. Hayden thinks Annie has managed to get Lane's vote and Kristen wonders where Matt's loyalties lie. I've never been a Matt fan and Hayden and his helmet bug me, but I'd hate to see Badda-Bing combust this early on and, I'm afraid, that's probably what's going to happen.



Kristen has a feeling that if Annie isn't Mr. Salvatore then she must be one of the "lifelong friends". And this brings me to the best theory I've heard yet about who Mr. Salvatore is. I wish I could take credit for inventing this, but, alas, I did not. A member of the Bitchy Network found it somewhere online and graciously shared it with me. Here it is: You know how Mr. Salvatore put X's over Kathy and Britney's photos? Well, Kristen's initials are K.B. *pause for dramatic effect* Kristen, in addition to being a squirrel, an ottoman, and a seashell, is Mr. Salvatore!!! The thing with the initials is totally something BB would do. I've said from day one that she's been shrouded in mystery. She's super chill, doesn't cause any waves, and disappears an awful lot. If I were a betting girl, I'd put $80 million dollars on the fact that Kristen, my favorite, is Mr. Salvatore. *throws glitter in the air* Do you love it or do you love it? You know you love it.


OK so back to Kristen Salvatore and Hayden. Kristen is telling Hayden that he and Andrew are really the only two people she trusts. She trusts Andrew because he's all alone and most likely isn't planning evil plots with others. Hayden then turns to the conversation to Britney and asks Kristen what she thinks of her. Kristen doesn't care for her, don't trust her, and will most likely nominate her if she wins HOH. (Yes!) Apparently, Britney has a way of glaring at people that's most unnerving and makes everyone uncomfortable. For me, it's her monotone delivery of sadistic pony killing thoughts that's scares me to death, but more on that later. Kristen also thinks all the girls need to go except Kathy and Rachel. I don't necessarily agree with that for personal reasons, but, thinking strategically, it makes sense. It's not like Kathy Crone or Peace Loving Rachel is gonna when this thing. Also, Kristen thinks that keeping Rachel will make Brendon happy and a happy Brendon is better than a pissy Brendon I guess. The conversation ends with Kristen and Hayden agreeing to keep their alliance on the downlow. It's best if the rest of the house doesn't see how close they are.

A lot of time passes with the HG's working out, eating, napping, and doing everything I would really rather not watch. If this season turns into BB8 with the HG's napping all fucking day, I'm going to be livid.



Fast forward to a little later and we find Hayden and Ragan in the HOH room. Ragan starts off the conversation saying he doesn't want to name any names and then proceeds to launch into the most cryptic and nonsensical convo I've ever heard. Ragan begins by saying that he didn't want to approach Hayden earlier because Hayden had all these power decisions to make and everyone was kissing his ass. Ragan wants Hayden to know that he's genuine and has no ulterior motive. Ragan says that he's been observing everyone quietly for 9 days and that he can tell who's being real and who's full of shit. He makes some moony eyes at Hayden and tells him that he thinks Hayden is real and trustworthy.


After some hemming and hawing and lots of fidgeting, Ragan says that the point of this conversation is that on Thursday Hayden will be able to see people for who they really are. He's being annoyingly cryptic and I can't tell if he's trying to defend Annie, blast Britney, frame Enzo, or out Brendon and Rachel. He could literally be talking about anyone at this point. He goes on to tell Hayden that his gut instincts are that people will begin to throw one another under the bus then... the feeds cut! What?!? Are you shitting me?!? When the feeds eventually turn back on, Hayden is saying that the way people treat each other is a huge insight into their real character. This almost makes me think that he's talking about Britney, but, seriously, who the hell knows?



Ragan says the twists in the game are screwing with his head and his ability to trust anyone or tell anyone anything. What I'm beginning to learn about Ragan is that he's very deliberate, very cautious, mindful, and uber reminiscent of The Scarfed One himself... Kevin. Kevin was a genius BB player. Funny, quiet, spoke up when he needed to, and very creatively thought outside the box on more occasion than one. His penchant for scarves and colorful pedal pushers only made him that much cooler. We love Kevin here at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. Can we also love Ragan too? It's a little too soon to tell. I need him to come out of his shell a little more. Remember, it took a few weeks for Kevin to completely open up and get his groove on so I'll exercise patience with Ragan and hope for the best.


Off in another bedroom Annie is busy madly whispering to Jewy. The volume already sucks this season and I'm forced to wear headphones when I watch the Feeds, but their stealth whispering was still very hard to hear. Annie was saying something about Brendon and Rachel being this year's Jeff and Jordan and that they'll help each other get to the end just like JeJo did. Annie has a point... a very good point. You'd have to be a moron not to realize that Brendon idolizes Jeff and wants the same public adoration Jeff got. I have no doubt in my mind he's hooking up with Rachel partly for showmance fame and partly to get on the next season of The Amazing Race (new readers be sure to bookmark my Bitchy Amazing Race Blog!). Brendon is no dummy. He knows exactly what he's doing. Even though I'm not able to catch every word of Annie and Jewy conversation, I'm getting the distinct impression that she might have Andrew's vote. If anyone can verify otherwise, please let me know in the comments.


This brings me to my favorite part of the day. It's afternoon and Lane and Annie are sitting with their feet in the hot tub. When these two get going, I can watch them for days. Annie's quick wit and Lane's dry sense of humor are hysterically intoxicating. They share sexual jabs mixed in with brutal insults and all the while both keep a perfectly straight face. Annie tells Lane he reminds her of her uncle. Lane doesn't blink an eye and asks, "Do you have sex with your uncle?" Annie replies, "No Lane." Lane says, "I'm gonna fight your uncle when I get out of here." LOL It's so random and so dry that you can't help but crack up at them. And when Lane tells Annie he got "Annie was here" tattooed by his pubes, I think we all had a little chuckle. Their familiarity and similar senses of humor is refreshing, but could it also be suspicious? Remember how uptight Annie was in the beginning over the pap smear thing? It's a complete 180 for her to immediately gel with Lane especially over off color jokes and somewhat offensive comments. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe Annie and Lane are just two people who immediately clicked. Who knows? All I do know is that I like watching them together and Lane could very well give Annie his vote. He could be instrumental in getting her some more votes if he really wanted to. If anyone could convice Badda-bing to keep Annie, it would be Lane.


After some more boring bouts of nothingness, we are treated to three babes in a bubble bath. Yup, you heard me right. Three scantily clad ladies are frolicking in a tub full of bubbles. Are they giggling and untying each other's tops? Are they drinking giant glasses of wine and playing with each other's hair? Do they playfully smack one another's asses and decide to experiment with some hot girl on girl action? *sigh* No. A big stinky NO. Instead we get Miss Peace Be With You, a crone with black lungs, and a sneering not very cute boring gal. Never in my life have three girls in a tub delivered absolutely zero in the way of entertainment.


Rachel is still stressed out trying to figure out how to act. Why why why is it so hard for this chick to be herself? I don't understand why she needs other people to tell her how to be. And of all people, she consistently seeks Kathy's advice. Kathy?! The woman who lies around all day with a pinched look on her face and has absolutely zero to offer the house. She's completely useless and always looks like she's so over everything Big Brother. Bitch looks like she'd rather be at home swatting flies and eating spam on a rocking chair out front of her double wide rather than in L.A. competing for a half a million. I wonder if BB is slipping Ambien into her tobacco or something. She has no energy to mingle let alone stand upright.


Another HG who pisses me off is the Princess of the Underworld herself, Britney. I'm convinced she was born in the 9th ring of hell and drinks babies tears and pony blood for sustenance. I'm scared to two things in life: Mormons and snakes. I'm thinking of ammending that list to include Britney. I look into her eyes and I see a deep vast oasis of fire and brimstone. With Lucifer (Russell Hantz whom I blogged about at great length over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog) in Season 19 of Survivor, his evil ways and crackling embers of a soul were somewhat charming and likable. With Britney my nipples go inverted and I fear imminent death. I don't know why, but I can see her pushing grandmas down the stairs, giving peanuts to children with peanut allergies, and spiking little girls' shampoo with bleach. She's scaaaaaary.


While Annie and Lane can tell jokes and shoot the shit with straight faces, Britney can weave a tale like no other with just as straight a face. A small group has outside on the couches and, out of nowhere, Britney decides it's "Story Time". She announces, "I have the best story. Do you want to hear it?" Why, yes Britney, we do. Just let me grab my crucifix first.


Britney remains lounging on the couch and without changing her facial expression or breathing pattern she begins with her little tale...


Once upon a time there was a girl named Rachel in the Big Brother house. She quickly met her superman named Brendon and they fall in love. One day the Saboteur comes on the screen to deliver a message. He says that Brendon is married with 2 kids. Rachel is devastated and spends days crying and weeping, but this story has a happy ending. Rachel has been impregnated by her Superman. Brendon goes on to win the $500,000 and is forced to give Rachel half the money. Even though Rachel didn't get Brendon, she got half the money and everyone lived happily ever after.

Ummm, what the fuck?!

Britney then continues on with a sequel...

Once upon a time Brendon and Rachel's baby named Brenchel goes on BB32. She meets someone and immediately enters into a showmance. They make love on the hammock and Brenchel ends up winning the money her mother never did.

What a freak! Enzo, in a deadpan voice, says, "Wow. That was a really good story." No one else really knows what to say. All I know is that I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel finds her food laced with arsenic one day. Just saying...


This brings us to the one little dramatic incident in the house yesterday. Of course I was busy watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey at the time (that Teresa is trash!), but my good buddies over at onlinebigbrother.com recapped it beautifully and Annie wouldn't shut up about it on BBAD so I think I've managed to get the gist of it.


Annie was laying down in the bedroom when Rachel walks in. Annie gets up and says, "Hey". Rachel doesn't respond and goes to leave the room. Annie decides to leave right behind her. Annie assumed Rachel would hold the door open for her, but, instead, Rachel closes the door in Annie's face. Annie confronts Rachel and asks her, "Can we talk? What was that for?" Rachel looks at her, scoffs, and runs away. Mind you, I'm using Annie's version as she told it to Hayden last night so I have no idea how much embellishing is going on.


OK so Annie follows Rachel into the kitchen and confronts her about why she's being a bitch. Rachel acts like she doesn't know what Annie is talking about and she asks Annie if maybe she's just being overly sensitive. Well, this is when Annie gets pissed. She starts to storm throughout the house telling everyone they should have seen how Rachel was acting and how she can't wait to see the videotapes of it all. To Hayden in the HOH later, Annie says that she knows Rachel is trying to get a rise out of her and make her look bad. In my mind though, I'm wondering if Annie isn't doing the exact same thing by overreacting to what really amounts to nothing more than a look on Rachel's part.


Now, personally I haven't seen Rachel give a dirty look or do anything intentionally evil but this isn't the first time I've heard of Rachel doing something shady. Remember when Monet was all pissed off at Rachel for giving a dirty look during the POV Ceremony? Could Rachel not be as innocent as she seems? Is there something more going on underneath that giggly innocent exterior. It can't be coincidence that two girls, on two separate occasions, are infuriated by something Rachel did. Unless, of course, both of girls just really hate Rachel and want to make her look bad. What do you guys think? Do you think Rachel is misunderstood or has she been infected by Britney's evil glare?


Before I end this I want to address the rumor that Steven Daigle (BB10) might be returning the BB12 house. I, for one, would absolutely hate this. He did nothing for me when he was in the house during his season and I find him to be incredibly boring. His foray into gay porn and his penchant for tweeting naked photos of himself is pretty much just his way of staying relevant. It's no secret he was pissed he was eliminated so soon during his season. I expressed my annoyance via Twitter yesterday and some subhuman tweeted me back calling me a "pissy bitch" and Steven Daigle "a god". LMAO A god! That made my morning. The day Steven is a god is the day Ass Licker becomes charming... not gonna happen.


How are you guys feeling today about Rachel and Annie? Who would you rather stay in the house? Do you think Kristen is Mr. Salvatore? Is Badda-bing going to implode? Can Britney turn people to stone with merely a glance? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

15 comments:

  1. Great post as always, absolutely loving this year thus far. oh steve daigle why is he still in the bb news world? he's not a god just a dude that got his ass booted out of the house years ago during a average BB season. He's done some porn big deal we all have (haven't we?)

    Annie and Rachel.. evict them both. however with rachel gone I won't have as many bikini shots to post therefore Dawg will be sad so i'm going to say evict Annie. Badda-bing will probably implode, chunks of the alliance will be sent spiraling though the house. Britney is evil she will turn you into stone and eat your babies but I'll still look :)

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  2. Love your blogs as usual! I'm so far out of the loop I can't comment on BB, I don't watch the live feeds and I fall asleep during BB After Dark.. But I love that the 'subhuman' tweeted you back yesterday! Since your tweets are private, this means they are following you!!

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  3. I totally missed Britney's fractured fairy tales! Is that really how she said it?

    I keep hearing the theme to the Exorcist as I'm reading your description of her.

    Britney obviously has issues with Rachel. If Annie's smart, she'll play catty bitch with her, and win her vote.

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  4. What exactly is Britney's obsession with Rachel? She can't seem to shut up about her. Her hair her boobs her body... get over it. Her jealousy is so obvious it should be tattooed on her head. On one of the BBAD's I heard her ask Enzo and Lane if they thought she was hot. She may not have brain one in her head but she's a definite looker. I can't wait for Rachel's inner bitch to come out. I know it's there she's just keeping it on ice for now. I'm hoping Kristen gets the next HOH and boots Britney out. Does anyone know if Annie actually passed the psych exam before entering the house? It's been 2 weeks and she has lost her f-ing mind.

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  5. Brendan just went on a jag about eating healthy because he...and Lane...are on tv...people will say you were good looking when you came into the house..what happened?! Wow. He is so arrogant and over confident. Rachel seems to be playing a character...trying to audition for better career opportunities. Not a fan of the showmance. Boring.

    I love your Mr. Salvatore angle! I think that you may be right on Kristen as Mr. Salvatore.

    So far, I think this may be the most boring cast ever! BBAD is Deadly Dull! Your blogs make it more fun for all of us! Thanks Lala!

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  6. My little sister has thought Kristen was the Saboteur since the first episode (and I've been inclined to agree based on the editing of said episode and the constant cuts to a smirking Kristen during the Sab scenes, but I'm a commitment-phobe so *shrugs*)

    Am I the only one who likes evil!Britney? The house needs a little evil. Britney is subtle and I think that makes her all the more terrifying. Would I want to be locked in a dark room with her? No. Do I want her to stay in the house and possibly fuck some people up? Yes.

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  7. I totally agree with Rae. Britney may be an evil bitch, and she may be horribly jealous and insecure...but sweet, stable, and self confident don't make good TV.

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  8. It is my opinion that HGs should surrender 50% of their stipend if they continue to stealth whisper, seriously. I am TIRED of wearing headsets & STILL not understand a lot of the convo! CBS needs to get mics that pick up the teeniest of whispers!! Rachel & Brendon irritate me the most w/their whispers.

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  9. I love Britney. She is the only girl I can stand this season. Annie drives me nuts, but is playing the game. Plus, if Rachel gets the boot, Brendon will have to interact with the other HGs to form a new alliance. I like Ragan too. I like his approach of keeping a low profile. We need to get these evictions rolling so we can start to see more game play and drama. Cheers!

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  10. First I have to say - Why does Kathy think she's starring in an Apocolypse movie? She scares me. Next I think my stance on Britney thus far is love to hate. I hate her, but she brings something to the show that no one else is doing....evil cattyness...she annoys the hell out of me, but I am hoping she will get to a point where she can't keep her mouth shut and says the wrong thing to the wrong person and the house explodes... I guess we'll see.
    And yeah..if Disney made pornos, Rachel would be their biggest starlet.

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  11. I hate Bitchney. I don't care if she stays for the drama... but I still hate her.

    I think it would be more fun if Rachel got evicted. But I do not see that happening. Unless Annie pulls a miracle out of her ass today. And I still think Annie is the Mad Sabber.

    This season is seriously boring. And Ragan... I think he is going to have a mental breakdown before he even gets close to being as wonderful as Kevin.

    Rachel reminds me of Kelly from RHONY. All about love and peace and harmony. Free to be me and you. But then she'll start having nightmares that Annie is stabbing her. And she'll start debating whether Brendon is a chef or a cook. And it would be funny... but with this house... it's just not.

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  12. CL - did I ever tell you your my hero? Wind beneath my wings, oh-bitchy-one.

    I can't stand Britney. She's such an evil lil wench. I think there will be plenty of drama with out her little ass. Boot the bitch.

    And Annie has to go to. Even if what happened between her and Rachel happened EXACTLY as she said it did, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Since when was givin' some whiny chick the side eye a cardinal sin? Jeez. I need her to STFU and get over it.

    Oh and Imma still need Hayden to shave that weird pencil mustache off. He's on notice.

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  13. I'm wondering, this is my theory that I came up with this morning, and I'm posting it here first: Steven wrote about meeting an unexpected FRIEND in LA. The sabo sent a message that there were lifelong FRIENDS in the house. Could t be referring to Steven an another BB alum getting ready to be back in there for either hosting or coming back to the house? Steven is close to Chelsia, and some others...

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  14. I can't stand the, "We'll see it on the tapes." All they do is talk about, "Is this on tv?" Just play the freaking game. Stop wondering what's on tv.

    On a lighter note, great recap, CL.

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  15. For whatever missguided reason, Enzo, Lane and Hayden seem to think that they are going to be the biggest celebreties of all time, they are positive that they are the most exciting HGs ever ... I think they are expecting a ticker tape parade down Broadway, then and audience with the Queen, not to mention the keys to the Popes' private apartment...

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