Thursday, July 15, 2010

Hee Hee Hee.... BANG BANG!

Far far away in a land where the days are 26 hours long, where Kool Aid is considered a food group, and where the insects buzzing in the trees deliver a sweet sweet symphony the world gave birth to a gaggle of Douche Bags. One was named Jon Gosselin, another was named Spencer Pratt, and two more were named Hayden Moss and Brendon Villegas. Jon and Spencer found a mentor named Ed Hardy to provide them with sustenance, bravado, and duckets to make their way onto the Hollywood scene. Hayden and Brendon weren't as fortunate. Their claim to fame would take a little longer. It required, focus, patience, one bad decision after another, and, most importantly, $2 haircuts by a crotchety old blind man. As we all know Hayden and Brendon persevered, delivered boneheaded sound bytes, tanned a lot, and got themselves all the way to the CBS backlot or what we like to call "Big Brother". They seemed semi-normal the first week. I mean, from what I could tell they weren't too horrifying or anything. And then... and then... there was last night's Big Brother episode on CBS. Holy rhinestones cowboy! We must discuss. Let's recap, shall we?

Hayden won HOH and we are all semi-ok with it because Badda-bing was in control and those penis swingers sure can cut up and tell a joke. Then the nominations came and, like a dog responding to the word "treat", we cocked our heads to the side and said, "Huh?". Why Brendon and Rachel? Quickly we realized that these two were an alliance. Worse still, a love alliance. We accepted the nominations, kept a side eye on Britney just in case she burst into flames or something, and waited patiently for the day Brendon would go home. Like most Douche Bags, Brendon unfortunately insisted on sticking around. Hayden, in a classic Douche Bag move chose to listen to the ramblings of a mafioso and decided to nominate Annie as Brendon's replacement because she committed the heinous crime of trying to make friends.

So, last night I'm watching the CBS show and several "what the fuck?!" moments smacked me across the face. First, Enzo was HOH not Hayden. Secondly, Badda-bing's very wise and very simple master plan was to SEPARATE Brendon and Rachel. Thirdly, Brendon is a complete tool who must be disposed of. Lastly, Rachel needs to have her vocal chords severed as soon as possible. When Hayden/Enzo nominated Annie, the masses (you idiots) were pleased as most of you really despised Annie. I kind of remained leery wondering if maybe she could bring me some drama somewhere down the road. This morning, however, I have never been more sure that, by all means necessary, RACHEL must be removed from the BB house.

Rachel is nice and I still think she has good intentions, but, my god, can that girl talk and giggle and even put a Cullen to sleep if she wanted to. Yes, Rachel is so boring that she can put nonsleeping Vampires into a deep REM cycle. If I have to hear her go "hee hee hee" and cock her head to the side one more time, I will sacrifice a baby. I'll do it. Don't push me. I'm that far to the edge. "Look at my boobs... hee hee hee.", "I think science is the best... hee hee hee", " I'm like a really nice person... hee hee hee.", "I don't want anyone to go home.... hee hee hee." *plucks off fingernails one by one* Allow me to clarify that Rachel is not nearly half as bad as Ass Licker. Ass Licker was in a category all her own. Rachel is just simply annoying and when she gets together all whispery with Brendon she doubles the annoying like she's a fucking double mint twin or something.

One more thing about the CBS show, Rachel most certainly made a stink face when she pulled Monet's ball out of the bag. Does evil lurk deep within her? Could it be that Annie is right and Rachel is trying to make her look bad? I wouldn't doubt it.

AND... did you see BBAD last night? Oh my god in heaven... raise your hands if you were screaming that the feeds get off Brendon and Rachel. *surveys the room* Just like I thought, every hand raised.

But I'm jumping ahead here. There are some random loose ends to tie up from the day's events before I can go ahead and puke out a BBAD recap.

First things first, Mr. Salvatore has struck again! Mr. S. came on the screen with a message specifically for Hayden. He said something along the lines of "You suck douchebag. I managed to escape eviction this week." OK so maybe I made up that douchebag part. Nonetheless, I'm thinking Mr. Salvatore just announced himself as NOT being Rachel or Annie and if you're overanalyzing the word "escape" (like Jewy Jewboy did) Mr. S could have just outed himself as Brendon. Personally, I think he was just saying he's not any of the nominees. The "escape" part was probably put there to fuck with everyone. I still think Mr. Salvatore is Kristen. At least I hope it is because yesterday I got, "Mr. Salvatore is Kristen" tattooed across my forehead.

After the excitement of Mr. Salvatore, Ragan began asking Brendon and Rachel if the Sab would outright lie to them. Brendon and Rachel immediately say "Yes!" which I found to be a little odd. The threesome start to whisper and I hear Ragan wondering if Mr. Salvatore is covering up for Annie because she was unaccounted for during the blackout. I don't know, call me crazy, but I think that padlock on the door was put there BEFORE the blackout. I think the blackout was a cover-up and BB basically helped Mr. Salvatore get away with that first prank.

Ragan goes on to advise Rachel that it might not be the best idea for her to separate herself from the house so much. She should get to know all the HG's and appear to be interested. Rachel arches her back and sighs, "Do I have to mingle right now? Everyone is sleeping." Brendon grunts, adjusts his sunglasses, and says, "Well you know I'm not the Saba-tore because of my obvious size." Size? What are you, Big Foot? Do you reside in the Matterhorn? Do a tribe of Pygmies live in your shadow? What the hell are you talking about Brendon? The size of your ego? If that's the case, then, yes, it's huge.

Rachel continues by saying that she's none too pleased that Mr. Salvatore is messing with Thursday's eviction. She can't understand why in the world Big Brother would want her voted out. Well, Rachel, allow me to fill you in. You're BORING. You tell asinine stories about your hair and your legs. You talk too much about how big your boobs are. You spend all your time hanging out with Bohunk Brendon and you do that annoying, "hee hee hee" thing any chance you get. I used to like you, but now you've driven me to whack myself over the head with wrenches, flower pots, and garden gnomes everytime you open your fucking trap. *pause* So ummm, yeah, maybe that's why Big Brother wants you out of this game.

I've wanted Annie to stay in the game since I find out she was nominated. Sure, she's incessant and a little phony, but I'll take her over Rachel any day. When BBAD started last night, I'm pretty sure I can safely say I'm not alone in wishing scurvy on both Brendon and Rachel. This morning I'm sitting here watching the last hour I missed and, let me tell you, I'm am 100%, without a doubt, positive that Brendon is milking this showmance purely for ratings and attention. The way he talks to Rachel lacks sincerity. He's more concerned with how his pecs look and he's delivering lines as if he read a book entitled, "How To Score With Babes." He's a tool. She's a tool. I hate them both!

Let's see... Hayden got his HOH camera yesterday and all the assholes posed for photos. It would have been fine and dandy, but Rachel wouldn't shut up about what Hayden put in his HOH blog. "Did you talk about POV? Did you say hi to people? Did you tell them about the house? Did you let them know what we talk about? Did you mention your family? Did you thank the Helmet Association of America?" I think she was trying to make conversation or something, but my inner monologue was literally, "shutupshutupshutupshutupshutup". She's exhausting.

Then there's Annie - sweet, misguided, loquacious, misunderstood Annie. She's working overtime to get those votes. She even spent some quality time with Queen of Darkness Britney last night. They discussed who Mr. Salvatore could be and began to work their way through Brendon's make believe stories. Clearly, Britney is trying to get Annie to fess up about Brendon's big bad science secret.

Dear Big Brother, Please never ever ever cast anyone having anything to do with science ever again on this show? You should have learned your lesson with Ass Licker! Love, Lala

OK so today is the big eviction which means that the feeds won't get interesting until AFTER the live show. During the day, expect lots of bubbles - which I've promptly named Michael Bubles. Michael Buble will be everywhere today. There's blocking, instructing, rehearsals, cleaning, etc to deal with in the BB house so let's not hear any bitching about "I paid for the feeds. Why am I seeing Michael Buble all the time? Wahhh wahh wahhh."

So, who do you bitches think will go home? Who would you like to be the new HOH? Remember, we find out who Mr. Salvatore is tonight. I can't wait! I'm so sure I'm right. Otherwise I'll be scrubbing my forehead for weeks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Super special out to all the bitches in the blogtalk chat room. You scare me and I'm filing a restraining order. Love ya!


  1. Sadly I'd rather have Annie go home. She's getting repetitive, and says the same thing to everyone in the house.
    With Rachel, at least you could face her towards a wall and she's be distracted making idle conversation with an intimate object(Who we later find out is Kirsten in wall form).

    Love the blog, bitch! It's like my daily dose of coffee.

  2. Love the blog ! I am afraid Annie is going to go home... Although I would love nothing more than Rachel/Brendon to be blindsided and this season to finally get a pulse.

  3. Awesome post, as always LaLa. Can Mr. Salvatore make it so they both go home? Seriously - BBAD was excruitiating. I'm so over Rachel. I need her to never laugh again. Like fingernails on a damn chalkboard.

    And mouth noises! I hate the sound of mouth noises and whispering. It was like 2 hrs of mouth noises and whispering!! *Shivers*

    I don't like Annie either though. She's like that needy kid saying "mama mama mama mama" over and over again. STFU, Annie. Damn.

    I have a theory about the life long friends - WHAT IF there's more than one pair???? Think on it think on it... WHAT IF EVERYONE is in a pair. Could be juicy.

    I still don't know who Salvatore is. I think it could be Kristen, Monet, or Lane. Kristen cuz she's so under the radar. Monet cuz she wasn't on the couch when the lights went out (I read somewhere that the lights went out twice, so I actually think the saborteur DID put the lock on). And Lane cuz he looks constipated whenever Salvatore comes on the screen.


  4. I did want Annie to go...said the idiot...but (and I didnt even see BBAD) if I have to endure much more of Brendon and Tickle Me Elmo in the hammock or under the covers, I may have to borrow your knitting needle. And what was with all the mis-used or mis-quoted sayings? "I wouldnt trust her with a 10 ft pole"????? and getting away "scotch free"???? Quit it.

  5. Rachel's got to go. Nip this showmance in the bud, and let that be a lesson to anyone else entertaining the idea of a showmance. One of the dumbest things you can do in BB is get involved in a showmance in which everyone can clearly see that you two are definitely together. Even stupider still, having the opportunity to break it up, and letting it pass without taking advantage of it.

    Besides, all Rachel wants to do is cuddle and suck face with Brendon, and I don't want to watch that. If I want to watch two people making out I'll grab my husband and drag him into the bedroom in front of the mirror and have my way with him like I normally do.

    I'm doing a little voodoo ceremony later on today to make sure Annie's not evicted. Nyah.

  6. Annie is out. Her repetitive bla bla bla is much worse then the giddy hee hee hee out of Rachel. Call me one of those weird people that love a shomance but I'm hoping a BB Baby might happen. Although I do love the connection and back and forth flirting with Annie and Lane! Lane will be the lone vote to keep Annie.
    So I think Kristen and Hayden are the pair and that she is the Salvatore. I'm hoping that she gets HoH. Her strange eye twitching was a little off putting in the beginning, but she keeps her mouth shut and she is a very strategic player. If Britney gets HoH I will be sobbing! I hope she is a have naughty, on slop, with cold showers, and finds her ass on the block! Okay now I have to go check up on my fantasy BB Team! See ya tomorrow!

  7. Going Home: Annie. Rachel lives to annoy another week.

    Saboteur: Kristen. She hasn't been getting any face time; CBS wants us to forget about her until tonight.

    HoH: Would love to see Brittney/Monet get it, because they hate everybody, so noms could have a little drama.

    Great post, Lala, as usual.

  8. Rachel needs to go. I'd rather drag a cheese grater across my face than listen to her laugh. Annie may be repetitive, but at least she is playing the game. And on BBAD last night when Rachel was talking about how she isn't like other Vegas cocktail waitresses, she has morals -- Bitch please, I don't care if you have no morals and hump everything that walks (I guess that means no Kathy/Rachel hookup) but don't sit and act all pristine when you're on live feeds under the covers with Brendon. What are with all these girls (Natalie BB9, Lydia, etc) that say they never did anything with these guys yet we've all seen them on the feeds? Do us fellow slutty whores a favor and own up to your whoredom! Amateurs!

  9. Lala...I couldn't agree more. I just got finished making a stink on a bb and sounding a little bitchy about BBAD being a solid 75% on Brendon and Rachel...The two most self absorbed yet boring people in the house. Did you catch the I am awesome and you are awesome witty comments to each other??? I cannot understand how the all boy alliance would let Brendon keep his showmance and not use Annie.

    At the very least she is unliked and not trusted by the other women in the house....She made some very valid points to Britany, who said that said that Brendon is half cool guy and half the devil and he must be eliminated as he is her number one target. She admitted that this would be a wasted elimination if they did not get rid of the showmance! Why on earth would they just give him his cuddle buddy, one who admitted said that she would use the veto on him rather than herself???? They got really good promises from let them use her any way they want for two weeks...Annie was too cautious when they asked for six weeks...Just lie and say I am your bitch until I am voted out... Idiots!

  10. I say get whorebag, slutface out of there. I can't stand her and Mr. Wonderful.

  11. Youy are soo dead on with this. Brendan is so fake i can't stand it, i kinda feel sorry for Rachel in a way cause shes seems to think he really likes her. I want Annie to stay, get rid of this fake showmance! (and I was a Jeff/Jordan fan, but I believe their romance was real)

    I alos like Kristen, she is my favorite player right now. Hayden listens to everything she says, I think they are the life long friends, or its Kathy the evil Britney, maybe Britney is engaged to Kathy's son

  12. In a review of the show, the NYPost is guessing that Kathy and Britney are mother/daughter, or Matt and Ragan are brothers.

  13. Lala.. I completely agree that Brendon is doing this whole shomance thing He is so completely fake about the whole thing... it reminds me of a time I wanted to date this guy cauz he was cute, and then the second we had our first intimate moment I realized he was gay and didn't know it. I like to think we all have had that experience. As far as Rachel goes I still stand by that I'd take her over Ass Licker any day of the week. But I was hoping for something different in her DR sessions...unfortunately that didn't happen. I def think Kristen is the Saboteur...if she isn't then I am still undecided about her, but if she is then I will bow down to her and declare her the master. As far as eviction....I don't care who goes home. I really see it as a win win situation. I REALLY REALLY want Brendon to go home next week. For about a million and a half reasons, but mostly because I want to see his ego deflate in front of all of our eyes.

  14. Why haven't you mentioned Crazy Britney's eyes? They don't track equally. It's very slight and not very obvious, but once you see it you'll have an even harder time looking at her.

  15. Hi Lala-
    My mom and I are BB fanatics, and we came across your blog last week, and I have to say that we LOVE it!!! You are a brilliant writer, and you have us in tears with your humor!! We have called each other "whore-bag slut-face" at least six times today! Woo-hoo! At the expense of looking ignorant, could you please tell me who A$$ Licker is? So sorry--we just started reading this season, and we wanted to find out! Thank you for all of the time you take to do this blog for those of us stuck in the 18th century with no live feeds or subscription to BBAD!! Thanks, Meghan & Lynda

  16. They are honestly both annoying the hell out of me and I cannot wait for one of them to go home. Maybe then BBAD will stop following them incessently's so annoying when you can hear the other people having fun but we're stuck watching Annie tell a story for the bajillionth time or Rachel laugh and whisper with Brendan. Is it bad that I'd rather see Annie go, though, because the crazy cat ladies HATE Brenchel so much and it's fun to follow them on Twitter and watch them freak out about it? I kind of want her to stay for that reason alone.

  17. Meghan & Lynda,
    Thanks bitches for the lovely words. To answer your question, Ass Licker is Michele Noonan from BB11. I hated her in the house and I hate her even more now. At the Bitchy Network, she's always a hot topic of conversation. On a radio show, she falsely accused me of creating fake twitter accounts. You'll find an open letter I wrote to her here on this very blog about the incident. Go back a few pages into my older posts. It's not that far back. Enjoy and thanks again!
    Colette Lala

  18. I thought I was the only one who noticed Britany's "Crazy Eye"....I can't look at her for more than a half second without it freaking me out! HAHA!

  19. Thank you for the answer, Lala. We are now up to speed, and we must say re: A$$ Licker...WE AGREE!!!! Looking forward to your next post!! Have a wonderful, butterfly-filled day! Meghan & Lynda

  20. OMG, that Rachel laugh. It goes in cycles: There's the he,he,he & then she'll up it to 4, 5, or 6.

    I ff through Brendon/Rachel feeds. Or else, I'd be asleep.

    I can't decide if Annie is phony or just makes phony faces. The scrunched up
    face says I'm trying soooo hard to be sincere, but just suceeds in making her look