Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Here's Squirrelly!

As long as she continues to breathe, I continue to be pissed off. Every time her mouth opens the poor frightened wildlife run for cover and the eco system suffers. We've already talked about how the butterflies sizzle, but have we discussed how the squirrel population has turned deadly? Prior to BB12 the California Ground Squirrel's scariest enemy was the rattlesnake. Mr. Squirrel would be skittering about gathering his nuts, stealing bird seed, and whatnot when Mr. Rattlesnake would slither up and chomp on that squirrel's ass like the Ragamuffin chomps on toffee. It's not pretty. It's sad and miserable to watch. Ever since that thing Rachel landed in California the squirrel now has a new enemy. She doesn't outright bite or chew on squirrelly innards. No, what she does is much more evil. She opens her mouth and speaks. Mr. Squirrel hears it, cocks his head to the side, and marches back to his tree with a score to settle. His little furry squirrel family is all excited to see him when he returns. They chirp and cluck or make whatever noise it is a squirrel makes. Mr. Squirrel smiles at his loving family and then... oh god it's horrible... and then he bites off all their heads. It's like The Shining for rodents. Very disturbing. *sigh* That's the power she has though. Rachel Reilly has the "gift" to incite a murderous rage in all who hear her voice. Personally, I'm thinking about never leaving my house for the next 6 weeks. It's not safe out there. I'm not safe. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with Kristen, bless her heart, continuing her fearless efforts to say in the Big Brother house. She's trapped in a hot horrifying wig yet she marches on. She thinks she's beginning to sway people and if it weren't for that damn useless Brigade her efforts might actually be fruitful. One person she's kind of managed to sway is Ragan. Ragan's not stupid (sure, he's annoying and has diarrhea of the mouth, but I wouldn't call him stupid). He sees the guys and Britney hanging out all the time. He sees that they never mingle with the rest of the house. They're certainly not up in the HOH chatting with the devil twins so clearly, they must be in an alliance. The idea of 4 strong men in an alliance makes our little Ragan a tad nervous and rightly so. They have the numbers to vote him out when that day arrives when he's finally on the block. In an effort to thwart the Brigade using it's power in the future, Ragan decides to go to Rachel *shiver* and tries to get her to see what's right before her eyes.

Ragan is in the HOH telling Rachel that all she needs to do is go outside and take a look around. All of the house alliances will pretty much reveal themselves if she just does that one simple thing. He cautions that she should really think about all that sees before she decides who should stay in this game: Hayden or Kristen. He also warns by asking her, "Who's poised to win HOH next week?" Chances are it'll be someone new, someone physically fit, and someone strong. He's all but drawing a flow chart with giant Brigade heads and arrows pointing at them saying "These guys are TOGETHER. They WILL vote you out!".

How does Rachel react to this remarkably accurate information? She summons her Bitch Boy and tells him that he thinks Ragan and Matt will vote Kristen to stay just to fuck with her game. Everything is "me, me, me" with this ugly bitch. She's so jealous of Kristen that she can't even see what's right before her eyes: a house that hates her with a burning passion. Rachel decided then and there that she cannot trust Ragan anymore. God, she's an idiot. All the guy was doing was trying to warn her and give her some good advice, but fucking duck lipped Rachel can't handle the fact that Kristen is better than her in every way. How do you think Rachel decides to deal with the cornucopia of secrets that Ragan has given her? She decides to tell Hayden that Kristen is campaigning against him with a fierce vengeance. She wants Hayden to think that Kristen doesn't really care for him at all. No, you fucking moron. They care for each other. They're just not emotional wet mops like you and your herpified slave.

So some time passes and the HG's are laying out, working out, etc. Rachel falls asleep outside and Kristen sees this as her chance to finally talk to Brendon. She makes her way upstairs to the HOH and begins her pitch. She begins by telling Brendon that he needs to think for himself in this game. The time will come when Rachel isn't there and he needs to have a back-up plan ready to go. She tells him that keeping Hayden in the game is a huge risk on Brendon's part because Hayden has a built-in alliance with 4 strong guys. On the other hand, the only person Kristen really has is Kathy. Between the two, Hayden and his band of brothers are far more threatening than Kathy the Marlboro queen. It ends with Kristen promising she won't go after Brendon. Instead of absorbing this information and really thinking about it, Brendon dons some silk eye shades, sucks his thumb, and settles in for a cozy little nap. You're so hardcore Brendon.

After her talk with Brendon, Kristen once again meets with Ragan. She tells him she thinks the votes will be much closer than 6-1. She thinks they could be as close as 4-3. Ragan isn't so sure and asks her who she has already. Kristen says she has Kathy, Ragan, Britney and possibly Lane, Matt, or Brendon. Ragan tells her not to count on Lane at all. He hints to her about the Brigade yet again. In response, Kristen just doesn't understand how the house would vote to keep 4 strong men together. I don't either Kristen. I don't either.

Later, up in the HOH Brendon is recapping his meeting with Kristen to Rachel. Rachel is furious that Kristen went up to the HOH to talk with Bitch Boy alone. She's shrieking and shouting about Kristen being unbelievable when all Brendon is trying to do is get a word in edgewise. It was the single most insane conversation I've ever heard. Hyena simply refused to hear anything Brendon was trying to tell her. The conversation went something like this:

Bitch Boy: Kristen was up here talking to me.

Hyena Fuckface: She was trying to blow you?!?

B.B.: Nooooo *sucks thumb* she wanted to talk to me.

H.F.: She touched your winky?!?

B.B.: Noooo. She said that keeping Hayden is risky because he has a big strong man alliance.

H.F.: She called you a big strong man and wanted to dance?!? I'll kill her!!!

B.B.: *sigh* Nooooo. She said that all she has in the house is Kathy.

H.F.: She asked you to have a menage a trois with Kathy?!? I'm gonna poke her eyes out with scissors!!!

B.B.: She told me to play this game for me. *begins to braid Hyena Fuckface's hair*

H.F.: She told you masturbate in front of her?!? I swear to god I'm gonna rip her limb from limb!!!

B.B.: And then she sat on the bed...

H.F.: SHE DID WHAT?!? *head begins to spin around*

B.B.: *giggles* I'm just kidding. *guffaws*

H.F.: *whines* Brendooooooooooon

B.B: You're so feisty.

H.F.: I'm NOT jealous! *fangs hang out and drool drips down her face*

B.B. You're my feisty redhead. *coos*

H.F.: I TOLD YOU I'M NOT JEALOUS!!!!!! *spits on the wall*

B.B.: You're so cute.

H.F.: Brendoooooooooon

Then they fall on the bed and make out. It was really gross. I puked three times.

Well, I'm gonna have to end it here for today kids. Sorry this is so short, but I wanted to get something up. I've got some shit to do and the faster I get the hell that is my life in order, the faster I can blog like a normal person.

So, how do you think the votes will go? Will Britney vote to keep Kristen? Will Rachel ever wash her hair? Can the poor California Ground Squirrel survive the summer? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. Don't worry about cutting it short. That conversation between Hyena Fuckface (have I told you I love that name?) and Bitch Boy MORE than makes up for it. Quality, not quantity. And that was high quality. I'm still crying over here.

  2. Yeah, but as of last night Ragan had completely changed his tune and turned on Kristen out of fear of the Brigade, who are bigger pussies than Ragan ever could be. When Kristen pled her case to Ragan stating that why is she having to fight so hard for a vote from anyone, when she doesnt have anyone and Hayden has a built-in alliance, Ragan just said "oh, they work out together, they do more stuff together, I dont think they have a deal" and on and on.

    Every time I think Britney or Ragan get a clue, they are talked out of it in the DR. Ragan & Rachel even had a very, very veiled convo about it that was quickly cut from the feeds. DR & Grodner want it to be Brigade vs Brenchel, and thats it.

    Its sickening.

  3. For fuck sakes, why is Rachel such an idiot. Ragan ACCURATELY depicted an alliance to her, and she managed to avoid that entirely when relaying the message to Brendon. What. A. Fucking. Retard. She's playing personally when she says "OMIGAAWWWDDDD I'M OBVI PLAYING STRATEGICALLY, OBVI."

    Whoever she blew to get into university needs to be crucified, then checked for Herpes. Valtrex won't help in the afterlife, but closure... closure.

  4. I agree I am sick also. This house is worthless. Lets just get down the road and let the 4 boys fight it out and get all these losers out of the game. I like kristen best but she is gone. Love my red eyed crier Brit but she is spinless. Regan is smart but also a little jelly spined and can not stand up to those 4 big boys. Kathy is well Kathy, enough said. So wtf lets just get to the end of this season. CoLa you are the only reason i am even watching any more and did not bother watch yesterday. Worse season ever. If Brit had used the veto we might have something for this week but its so hopeless. That bitch has sucked all the life out of BB. Well kisses Ms. CoLa and lets fast forward this summer and get to the Survivor and see what old man Jimmy Johnson can do with the kids.

  5. Kristen doesn't have a chance. Unless something really fucked up happens today... she's gone. The Brigade won't vote out Hyaden right now, and Brendon won't go against Rachel. There's the 4 votes you need, and she just doesn't have them.

    I don't like Hayden, he has no upper lip, no spine, and no redeeming qualities at all. BUT, after the POV ceremony... when he found out Kristen will be going home... he went to work on making new deals. He now has an alliance with everyone in the house besides Ragan. I have a feeling this douchecanoe will make it to the end. Unless the Brigade really are the last 4 standing. Hopefully Lane and Enzo will take out Matt and Hayden.

  6. Thank you SO much CoLa for blogging. I'm sorry you are going thru hell in your personal life AND having to watch Hyena Fuckface too. But, if it weren't for you and Simon at onlinebigbrother (and a couple of times I have dared to look at the live feeds) I wouldn't have a clue of what is going on in the house. I haven't watched since that witch won HOH, AGAIN. Hopefully, things will turn around tomorrow night. So, very tired of maybe something about to happen just to find out 30 mins. later that whoever weenied out!

    So-I thank you very much, you are much appreciated.


  7. Ragan is really annoying me more and more with each passing week. Why doesn't he just come out a say there is a 4 person alliance and name names instead of trying to get people to see it for themselves.

  8. Was there ever such a disgusting sight as Rachel with her alcoholic hands stuck in the cans of nuts, for what?? Finding out the ratio of peanuts to the other nuts??? I am sure the other houseguest appreciated her skanky hands picking around all the nuts, not just one can, but several, what a clueless douchebag she is. Where did she learn her manners, at The School for Skanky Piglets??

  9. Do you think I can hire Rachel after she's evicted to get rid of all the squirrels around my house? LOVED your lead-in!

  10. Tomorrows predictions, The HOH contest is going to be a chain smoking contest. Brendon will forfeit followed by everyone else in the house minus kahty. Kathy will continue to play well into the night even after she wins.. (It is free smokes why not)Kathy will then take the 5 grand from the red monster she'll nominate herself for eviction and go to the jury where she'll collect precious 750 a week stipend.

  11. colette your extreme hatred for rachel oozes out from your keyboard like lava from Vesuvius. and it is the only redeeming thing about this abortion of a season of BB.

    i think when these two a-holes get married they'll probably be one of those couples that keeps HER last name. so he'll be bitch boy fuckface. nice.

  12. Simon you are so funny! I once saw a monkey on tv who got his hand stuck in a jar and he couldn't get it out because he was so dumb and greedy he wouldn't let go! I think the monkey was smarter and had better manners.

  13. That convo between HF and BB was positively the funniest thing yet. Good Lord! I've GOT to stop laughing and get back to work.

  14. Did you hear Britney analyzing the Big Brother casting...Rachel was surprised she was cast as the PARTY shit. "Wasn't Kristen cast as the party girl?

    Oh yes...and Monet was cast as the pretty, all American girl. Fuck you Rachel, you were cast as the slut. No one is surprised but you!!!

  15. First, I think its perfectly fine to talk about a show and discuss whats going on, however thats not what your doing. Your just brutally attacking people THAT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW! Do u really have nothing better to do with your life?
    Second, you cant even make strong attacks. All your doing is making fun of the way a person talks or looks and calling them nasty words. Do you have any class?
    How would you feel if someone was talking about you like this?
    how can you look in the mirror and be happy with yourself?

  16. Can brendon possibly be anymore whipped?!!!!!!!!

  17. Hi all, I've been watching the feeds this evening and I have TWICE heard Fuckface referred to as 'Hyena' by Enzo and Matt!!!!!!! Good call Lala.

  18. That's hysterical crazycatlady. Love it.

  19. I think the lady that told you to get a life could be Rachel's mom. But it's probably that one nerdy dude who got to bang Rachel in high school after one or two tequila shots... and he still thinks he has a chance with her. She probably sees him from time to time at the casino because he moved to Vegas just to be close to her. And every time she sees him, she probably flashes him some nipple or something so he'll continue to buy her drinks or give her hundred dollar tips. And sometimes, when all other options have run from her by the end of the night... she'll actually let him do her. Because she's got nothing better to do. And she likes to get drunk and fuck.

    There was a point to this comment but hell if I can remember what it was.

  20. I love this blog its the funniest one yet. LaLa you just keep suprising me more everday. This season has been like last season but done with the most annoying showmance ever. I think Brendon needs to grow a pair and quit cowering down to her. And why does he tell her that he loves her he hardly knows what she really is like. But if this is part of his game i would be shocked as heck. But im not sure he is really playing when he is that weak acting. Just put her hair extensions on him and i think he could be a taller version of his Quote girlfriend. And the brogade is getting a little like watching animal house but not as funny. I think they should call matt Al Bundy as many times as his hand is down his pants. Kathy will just blend into the background like always reagn will just run around and act like everyone. And Britt well not sure but will figure her out someday

  21. You are one angry and jealous person. I truly feel sorry for you.

  22. I love the blog and laugh my ass off every time....but....I can't get behind the Rachel hate. Still love ya though :)

  23. Is it just me, or has Britney's accent faded from a very soothing southern drawl to a very choppy 'valley girl' accent much like her like very like bff Rachel? Like, what do you, like, think?

    To the haters of CoLa: You were forewarned that she judged with an acid tongue. Not only have you been sucked in by her very witty charm, she had such an impact that you felt it necessary to comment. Way to go, CoLa!!!!!

  24. Meghan, Absolutely, you are right about Britney's accent, she has been unknowingly corrupted by the painful overuse of the word 'like' by Vegas. I am hoping someone will call her on it, whereupon she will be appalled. Britney is my only solace on the feeds, I follow her everywhere. She is seriously, wickedly funny.

  25. Hell, maybe it's Andrew.

  26. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!! I love Brit, but she is currently in the worst possible position (@9:30). She is in the tub with Fuckface while FF has her period (Brit is germphopic) and Brendon is sitting there in the room giving a solilioquy on muscle mass. God, I can't wait to hear her comments on this conversation.

  27. after watching last night's Showtime After Dark, the scene with Brit and Medusa in the tub made me sick. First, when they are applying the chocolate mask on their grills, Brit has hers nice and even, you can even say a bit pretty. Medusa looks like the aftermath of a chocolate alien porn final scene. She has the brown shit smeared everywhere, even her nasty ears are "splattered" with this stuff. I swear Brit has crabs from sitting in that bubbling jizz pool with the skank, we might be able to save that bathwater as a cure for skeeters in the rainforest. When bitch boy walked in and saw the two of them bathing he freaked, his reaction was really strange. What a dork, he is the poster boy for the pussification of the American Male. I wonder what that bathwater smells like? Death and Cristal, haaaaaaayyyyyyy

  28. Are you ok Co La? I hope everything is ok. I am here at noon looking for my Co La dose of fun reality. I think I am getting the shakes. hope you post soon.

  29. Loved the blog, I can't stand the queen of skanks she makes me want to puke. My hopes are that the door doesn't open tonight and Kristen wins HOH and sends both of them packing in a double eviction next week. Unfortunately this sin't going to happen so I hope. Lane wins HOH puts the queen skank and her little bitch up on the block. I love Lane and Brit they are freakin Funny.