The Pony Population Is In Danger!

When it seems as if all hope is lost I like to gather up some things and pray for a miracle. A little marjoram, mugwort, a pinch of belladonna, orris root, anise, a heaping spoonful of wormwood... actually, that might be my recipe for Absinthe. I'm not sure. Nevertheless, a well-mixed potion would never hurt a fly. It might hurt a red-headed beast with chin pimples, but not a fly. I'll perform my ritual skyclad (butt naked y'all). I'll call the corners, wave my hands to and fro, maybe dance a jig if I'm so inclined and then that'll be it. Kristen will be safe and I'll happily continue to blog Big Brother. In the case that it doesn't work, I've secured a rusty iron fence and had it installed outside my bedroom window. I plan to stand on my ledge in a sheer chiffon nightdress, raise my hands up to the night sky, and take a giant leap impaling my innards on as many spikes as possible. Clearly, option number one is the most appealing, but I'll do option number two if I have to, so help me god... I will. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with everyone all a twitter over the big POV comp. The HG's seem to think it's the trading up for prizes comp we all love so. Remember last year when Lydia drunkenly flipped a table? *sigh* I miss Lydia. She did crazy with flair and with style. I could watch her calling Ass Licker a bipolar drag queen for hours on end. Good times. I doubt this year will have any table flipping. There might be some eye rolling and hyena laughter, but, sadly, no table flipping. OK so Britney thinks it would be hysterical for Enzo to get the unitard and Rachel vows to take the POV and keep it for herself. Brendon asks Britney if she'd keep a trip to Hawaii for her honeymoon. Britney thinks she might and she muses aloud that she also might throw the next HOH to Enzo so he'll get a letter home. Brendon says, "What?!?". Britney replies that he has a baby and he misses his wife. Brendon mumbles, "Oh yeah." And this is where it hits me: Brendon's high talk of who deserves to play the game and how he always sees the nice in people is all bullshit. He only sees the nice in people when it serves his best interest. If it's not a person who can help him (like Andrew) then he's just as cutthroat as everyone else. The nicey nice exterior is just a big phony ruse designed to make America go "Awww shucks, isn't he special?". Well, Bitch Boy, you're not special. You're a very lucky man-woman-child who whines too much and creeps me out. Having said that, is there any way I can snag an invite to when you introduce Rachel to your mom? I really really really want to be there. I'll sit quietly in the corner with a notepad. I won't make a peep I swear. Kisses. Thanks!

Off in another room the heroine of our story, Kristen, is sitting in quiet contemplation. Kathy is rubbing her arm and thinking to herself, "You better not win so I go on the block bitch". It's a sweet moment between two ladies. Kristen is nervous and visibly so. She knows she has to win this POV or else she's in big fucking trouble. Kathy nods and says "Mmm hmm", but you know she's chanting something like "Lose! Lose! Lose!" in her head. Kathy's not stupid. Sure, she wants Kristen to stay in the game, but if it means that Kathy ends up on the block instead, then forget about it. The Jury is only one eviction away. Kathy Faye can almost taste the stipend already and it tastes sweet and tangy kind of like Sweet & Sour Shrimp or maybe a Fuzzy Navel. I can't decide which one Kathy Faye would like better. She lives on Spam and eggs so perhaps either one would be a decadent treat for her. Who knows?

Finally, after hours and hours of waiting (seriously, it took the better part of my afternoon waiting for this shit to start) the POV begins. The players are Rachel, Kristen, Hayden, Ragan, Britney, and Enzo and it indeed was the trading up for prizes POV. While the competition was happening some reality tv show journalists were allowed into the BB house to poke around the HG's belongings. Sadly, I wasn't invited. Bitches. The ones who were invited noted that the house smelled like salmon and all the drains had hair in them. Um ewww. One tweeted from the HOH room that he saw handcuffs in a drawer and red extensions in a paper bag. I tweeted back offering a large amount of money if he'd steal the extensions. The douchebag ignored me and an opportunity to fuck with Rachel was passed by.

When the Feeds returned my nightmare slowly revealed itself to me. Kristen lost. My faith in nature, trees, mountains, and prescription pills was destroyed. I threw myself onto my purple velvet chaise lounge and buried my head into the opium scented pillow to weep uncontrollably. My body shook and I burbled, "Why, why why?!". There was no toe dipping into glitter. The stars refused to shine. My garden gnome fell over and shattered to pieces. I asked myself, what else could possibly go wrong this summer?" I'm getting a little sick of things not going my way. I just know my haters have an entire army of voodoo dolls they're continually stabbing. You win bitches. You win. Uncle. I'm tortured, exhausted, my hair hasn't been trimmed for months, my tan has faded, and I'm quite sure my diet of Tylenol PM and mini Twix bars isn't do me any favors mentally. Is it really so much to ask that Rachel gets a flesh eating disease and Brendon falls impotent? I don't think so!

After my tearful tantrum ended I returned the Feeds to discover that not only has Kristen lost, but she now has to wear the unitard for a week. Furthermore, Enzo won a 3D tv, Ragan got a "Veto Pass" (it allows him to play in any POV he wants), Hayden is forced into a Have-Not Solitary Confinement for 24 hrs, and Rachel... well, Rachel won $5000. Are you shitting me?! *throws hands in the air* Come on! Ugh... it just never ends. The only silver lining I can muster is that now that Rachel has money, it makes her even more of a target. I mean, wasn't Rachel the one who used Monet's $10,000 against her? Well, Hyena Fuckface, it's time for payback. As god is my witness, you will feel the repercussions of your actions. There is no god or heaven above if you get away with being a miserable hose beast without any punishment whatsoever. The acne and the greasy hair is funny and all, but that's not nearly enough payback for me. An itchy fungus is more along the lines of what I'm thinking.

So Britney has won the POV and it's not looking good for my precious Kristen. I half expected Kristen to cry and get a little sad. I could understand if she did. Hell, I would. But no, what does she do instead? My girl sits tall, maintains composure, and starts planning her next move. Wow. Seriously, wow. No mourning, no weepy time into a pillow, none of that. Just stoic perseverance. She tells Kathy she's going to talk to Britney and basically offer her the world in exchange for coming off the block. She'll vow to keep Britney safe until the end of the game. She'll never nominate Britney, she'll use the POV on her, she'll protect her from Hyena Fuckface... Kristen will do anything Britney wants if she survives this week's eviction. It's her only chance.

Kathy suggests that Kristen brings up Monet and how she went out of the game because she won money and how she'd be upset that Britney is now friends with Rachel when Rachel was the one who evicted her. Kristen nods and thinks that's a good idea. And, by the way, it's not Kristen who wants all the girls out of the house. It's Rachel! Big beefy stinky greasy Rachel.

Eventually, Kristen gets her unitard and it's pretty insane. Not only is it the ugliest unitard to date, but she also has to wear some ridiculous wig with it. Thank god the girl has legs for days. She's the only one who could make that unitard somewhat sexy. It's tight, it's transparent, it pretty much shows what she ate for dinner.... I don't know what Big Brother was thinking. No way that outfit is safe for air. When Kristen emerges from the DR you should have seen the HG's faces. Britney's jaw hits the floor, Ragan wants one for himself, Rachel begins to seethe with jealousy, Brendon begins to blush, and Matt and Lane have to scramble to hide their woodies. Kristen just laughed and laughed telling everyone that she has to wear it all the time even if she gets up in the middle of the night to go tinkle.

Kristen goes into the bedroom to show the unitard to Kathy and this brings us to the funniest moment of the day. Kathy takes one look at her, says "Oh my god", then erupts into a fit of giggles. Kristen bursts out laughing and says, "How am I supposed to... I have to be serious this week?!!" The two are doubled over nearly in tears from laughing so hard and at home I joined them. Big Brother fucked her so hard it's pretty laughable. She has to spend the week trying to saving herself with her ass and vaj hanging out for all to see. It reminds me of those Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty books I'm so fond of. The prince forces Beauty to walk everywhere completely naked to teach her submission and squash her prideful ways. Big Brother is doing the same thing only Kristen's not so uptight to let it get to her. Good girl.

Kathy wants Hayden to know what he's missing so she runs to the door of the Solitary Confinement room to describe in vivid detail how Kristen looks. Hayden keeps asking, "Is it hot?" All the poor boy wants is a little stimulation to get him through the night I think. Kristen joins Kathy and tells Hayden he won't believe it when he gets out and sees her. He asks again, "Is it hot? Is it revealing?" Kristen replies, "Well, it can't get any tighter." Hayden is pleased.

The conversation through the door turns to the POV comp and Kathy decides that if anyone comes into the vicinity of them she'll use the word "blue" as a code word for Hayden to know that another person is in the room. Hayden muses how they got screwed this week and tells Kristen he's sorry he took the POV from her in the comp. He tells her that he knew Britney would take it from her anyways so he went ahead and did it instead. I'm not bothered with Hayden trying to save himself, but it's really beginning to bug me how much of a pussy he is and how often he throws all of his alliances under the bus. He never once stands up for himself. He lets everyone else do the dirty work and all he cares about, even though he's most likely safe this week, is getting his ass off the block - even if that means another Badda-bing member goes up in his place. He'd sell his own mother on a street corner if it meant he'd be safe for another week. I don't like that at all.

Enzo makes his way into the bedroom where the door meeting is going on. Kathy mutters the word "blue" and Enzo finally gets a glimpse of Kristen. He flips out! He tells Hayden Kristen looks "banging". The guys in the other room hear Enzo hooting and hollering about Kristen so they all go to the room to join him. It's literally poor Kristen sitting on the floor in the unitard and every guy, including Ragan, sitting around her in a circle staring. Get this... Brendon is in there too! Rachel was in the DR, but you bet your ass as soon as she came out into the house, Brendon got up and scrambled back to her. The party stayed around Kristen for a good while with even Britney joining in. In the other room, however, we were privy to one of the best conversations ever.

Very rarely will you hear me say that a convo between Rachel and her man is worth listening to, but this one fits the bill. Brendon says to Rachel out of the blue, "I don't think you're an alcholic. I really don't." Rachel sits and nods. He asks her if she likes to fight when she drinks. Rachel says, "No, I like to make out and have sex." *pause so you can soak it in* Instead of wondering how often Rachel has "made out and had sex", Brendon is stoked! This bitch likes to drink all the time. That means he'll get sex all the time. Nothing like sex with a sloppy drunk girl, right Brendon? Brendon declares that he thinks this relationship will work after all. Rachel smiles to herself trying to block out the laughter and glee coming from the room where the entire house is hanging out in. It kills her inside that Kristen is so well-liked... even in a humiliating hippy unitard get-up she's still charming and funny. Suck on that Rachel!

Eventually, Kristen gets to make her pitch to Britney. She promises Britney the world, but Britney is nervous that if she uses the POV, Rachel will put up Matt out of spite. Personally, I don't see the problem with that, but Britney fancies herself to be the fifth member of the Brigade. Didn't the Beatles once have a fifth member? Look how life turned out for him... not too good. Not too good. Kristen thinks Rachel will put Kathy up, but Britney is still hesitant. Kristen tries the emotional angle saying how she really needs to make it to Jury because she has no money if she goes out now. She doesn't know how she'll live because she used her savings to pay her bills for the entire summer. Britney hears what Kristen is saying, but she wants to be sure that using the Veto is the best move for her at this juncture. Kristen tells her that she can even use the veto on Hayden if she wants. Hayden coming off the block might increase Kristen's chances to stay if Kathy goes up as his replacement. Britney wants to talk with Hayden when his Solitary Confinement is all done. She wants to see what he has to say about all this.

OK Britney pisses me off. A lot of you bitches told me that Britney wasn't really friends with Rachel. Well, if she's not then this is her perfect chance to gather the troops and piss Rachel off. I see some of you suggesting that Kristen, Britney, and Rachel actually join forces and work as an all girl alliance. No! Hell no. I don't like that one bit. I don't care how strong Rachel is or how well she does in challenges. I can't stand that bitch and I don't want the girls I like associating with her at all. Britney is already pushing it with me with all her late night girly bitch convos with Rachel. For my own sanity, I cannot have people I like scheming with Rachel because that means I'll be forced to listen to Rachel speak and I just can't have that. As it is, I only listen to her if it's absolutely necessary. I've developed migraines, the kitten population has drastically reduced, and I fear the ponies are next. Shame on you bitches for even suggesting it! Shame, shame, shame. Are you trying to kill me or something? That's like asking me to watch Michele Noonan tapes on a constant loop. That's worse than my rat bag! You bitches are evil... so so evil.

Well, I'm gonna end it here folks. Do you think Kristen has a chance at all to stay? Will Hayden spooge when he sees Kristen? Can Britney ever come back from the dark side? Will Rachel ever wash her hair? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!