Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I AM Vegas!!!

(Image via onlinebigbrother.com)

The storm clouds rolled in. They've been rolling in for a while now. We just never bothered to look up and take notice. The trees swayed and a solitary deer stood frozen like a statue in a meadow. An owl hooted overhead. It was a warning. The squirrels, chipmunks, and woodland nymphs put down their nuts and berries and ran. My god, they ran. It was coming... the WRATH of Lala!!! When Colette Lala doesn't get her way, furry creatures, big and small, suffer. She systematically crushes their skulls with her bare hands. No one knows where her strength comes from. Some say it's her ch'i or maybe her kundalini and whatnot, but let's get real... it's probably the gin. Her home stirred bathtub gin infused with coriander, cardamom, and juniper berries is somewhat of an elixir if you will. It'll put hair on your chest (a side effect she has yet to resolve), turn your inner "yawp" into somewhat of a growl, and give you the strength of a thousand pissed off gods. Let's recap, shall we?

Britney didn't use the POV. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I'm tempted to end this right here, but I tend to get yelled at when I don't blog and I can't stand to see you bitches whine. So yeah, Britney tells everyone that Rachel threatened to put Lane on the block if she used the POV. Kristen is naturally crestfallen and Britney begins her apology rounds. First, she talks to Hayden in the HOH. She tells him she didn't want to risk Lane going home. Look, sure, the guy is funny and all that, but he has done nothing, NOTHING, of value in this game. He sits in the backyard and jokes around with Enzo. He lets Matt and his big ole bag of bullshit make all the decisions and, last time I checked, Lane hasn't won, or even come close to winning anything.

Don't even get me started on Matt. We wouldn't be in this mess if he wasn't such a complete pussy who thinks he's some sort of mad genius. You are not a genius Matt. You are a tiny little ball handling idiot who wasted an HOH and made my summer next to intolerable. I loathe you with a fiery passion. I blame Matt entirely for the direction this season has taken. His decision during his reign is the single reason we're stuck with Brenchel for as long as we are. I know some Matt fans read this blog, but I don't really fucking care. I think you guys are bordering on delusion by liking this kid. He's not good looking, he's not cool, he has an abnormal obsession with his own balls, and, as a result, I'm forced to question your sanity. Anyone who supports his nominations when he was HOH is a nut job. The end.

Alright so Britney then moves on to apologize to Kristen. She's truly sorry yadda yadda yadda. Oh save it Britney. I'm so upset with you right now you have no idea. Kristen is right. Everyone in that damn house is ridiculously scared of Rachel and what she's gonna do that they just go ahead and let her continue to get her way. It's infuriating and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I'll call out anyone who let's that alcoholic red headed harpie get her way. Look, we all hate her, the house hates her... they spend hours everyday ripping her a new asshole... so why wouldn't they do whatever they could to get her out? It is truly mind boggling. There is no good reason anyone could give me for keeping her in this game. She is a threat. She is strong. Get her the fuck out of that house!

Back in the land of the sane, Kristen has decided that she has to fight to stay. Her chances are slim and she knows that, but she'll regret not putting the effort forth and at least trying. She won't campaign against Hayden. She'll campaign for herself. She spends the day making the rounds to all the HG's. Her number one argument for keeping her in the house is "because it'll piss off Rachel". I love it. It's funny, smart, and kind of perfect. I'm not going to get my hopes up or anything. I know Kristen is going home, but the fact that she's trying and the fact that she's so anti-Rachel makes me happy.

Rachel is like a big piece of poo you step in. She gets stuck in the crevices of your tennis shoes and you're forced to leave her outside until you can muster up the motivation to rinse her off. You know rinsing the shoes off will only get rid of the surface poo/Rachel. To really get the shoes clean you're going to have to get a twig and use it to dig out the muck/Rachel from each one of the crevices. The twigs will break. They'll stink. You may gag a little cuz Rachel poo smells like the most pungent diarrhea you've ever encountered. Eventually you'll just give up and throw away the $120 sneakers you were once so happy to get. They were the first pair that really cradled your foot perfectly. You could hike, jog, and power walk for hours with your crisp white and blue sneaks. You spent weeks searching for the perfect pair. Stepping in a big pile of Rachel poo is not only unfortunate but it's depressing. So, you chuck the shoes and try to move on, but the stink... it lingers. You forgot to stick the shoes in a plastic bag before tossing them into your trash can so even months later that smell punches you in the face every time you go to take out the garbage. It nauseates you so much that you loathe taking the trash out. The bags sit unprotected. Deer chew them up in the middle of the night. You're out $120, you're trash can is no good, and now you have to spend every Friday morning cleaning up your apple cores and wine bottles scattered in the street of your neighborhood. It's all because of Rachel.

Speaking of poo, did you know that Rachel has broken every single toilet in the Big Brother house? Yup, she sits her ass down on the toilet and things shoot out that have no business shooting out. They stain and stink up the bathrooms making them useless. The poor HG's are developing Urinary Tract Infections because Rachel's ginormous shits are making it impossible to pee anywhere in the house. Just yesterday she had to have her minion/boyfriend Bitch Boy unclog her HOH toilet for the twentieth time. Poor Britney wanted to tinkle, but found she couldn't because Rachel's explosive shits turned the HOH toilet into that toilet from Trainspotting.

I imagine Rachel's breath smells a little like her HOH toilet. Her breath can sizzle the wings off of butterflies. Rachel will be sitting outside and a lovely Monarch butterfly will flutter by. It's spreads is fragile colorful wings, not a care in the world, you look at it and think to yourself "how lovely". Then Rachel walks by, opens her mouth, and shrieks, "I AM Vegas!" That poor butterfly never had a chance. It's wings freeze and slowly begin to sizzle. It starts out slow at first then it speeds up and turns the poor little beautiful butterfly into nothing but a tiny puff of smoke. It's sad really. I weep for the lost butterfly.

This brings me to the overnight antics of one Miss Rachel Reilly. The HG's get an alcohol delivery and it's LARGE. It's bigger than any previous delivery which means that CBS is well aware of how much this season sucks. Anyhow, the alcohol arrives and Rachel gets started. She's slow at first, but once that alcohol gets coursing through her veins she has to have more... and more... and more. She begins to talk about Vegas and how she's Vegas. She's oh so Vegas. Yes, Rachel, you are fake and phony and covered in dust and jizz and spilled liquor. We get it. You're Vegas. Bitch Boy looks on disapprovingly. Although deep down inside he knows he's probably gonna get get laid so that's something *sigh* I guess.

Rachel begins to twirl and grab her own breasts. Her dress ends up around her waist, nipples pop out here and there, and the other HG's can only sigh and search for ways to get away. They leave Rachel outside to talk herself while they seek refuge in the quiet safety of the kitchen. Bitch Boy tries to get her to calm down. He doesn't like that we've all seen her breasts by now. They fight and bicker. Rachel slurs and insists she's Vegas. That's all she cares about really - that we know she's Vegas... whatever the hell that means. It reminded me of that chick on Bad Girls Club last season. That girl who kept shouting "I run LA! I run LA!"

Remember the other night when Bitch Boy specifically asked Rachel if she fights when she gets drunk and she said no? Well, she's a big ole stinky greasy liar. Bitch Boy, naturally, hates belligerent drunks. He'd rather kiss and coo and make macaroni art over a few sips of White Zinfandel. The whole yelling, fighting, and flashing HG's really isn't his scene.

After hours of Rachel annoying everyone to death, the HG's finally turn in for the night and try to get some shut eye. Bitch Boy is extremely upset at what a lush his girlfriend is. He climbs into bed and whimpers with his blanket pulled all the way up to his chin. Meanwhile Rachel's a sloppy mess on the floor with her ass hanging out and alcohol seeping through her pores. Can you imagine what that room must have smelled like? First the poo then the lushy Rachel skin. Gross!

Brendon has a lot to think about. There's no way his mother will approve of this harlot, but, then again, he can probably score some sex from her so that's exactly what he does. He lifts her up off the floor, tells her over and over again he loves her, and coerces a drunk girl into sex. Hot! Clearly no condom was used and I'm thinking Brendon will be asking the DR for some Valtrex any day now. Brendon knows he's in over his head. He knows she's gonna be a handful. He'll have to hold her hair back when she's hunched over puking after a night of getting jiggy with it down at the club. He'll probably have to plunge toilet after toilet for the rest of his life. Random scarlet hairs will pop up in his cereal and macaroni and cheese. Glittery mismatched blouses and skirts will litter his bedroom closet. Dried caked on make-up will stain the bathroom sink. Lipstick will mark the walls and even an odd ceiling or two. It all doesn't matter though. Brendon is in love. He's in it for long haul. He'll stay with Rachel as long as she'll have him. It's a love story for the ages.

So, what did you bitches think of last night? Were you pissed Britney used the POV? Does Kristen have a snowball's chance in hell of staying? Is any toilet in California safe? How long does it take for Valtrex to start working? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


  1. LaLa-
    Awesome blog!!!!! Thank you so much for expressing MY thoughts so creatively!!!!!

    Have a terrific day (which can only happen if Rachel drinks some more, dives in the pool and hits her head-wakes up and has no idea who in the hell she is).


  2. Last night was awful. You are so right, its like Natalie from Bad Girls Club is in that house. I couldnt STAND that bitch.

    But the Rachel STARE OF DEATH? Awesome. She knows he's loser and will have nothing with him outside the house cuz she thinks she is the next Rachel Uchitel of the Bottle Service Girls in Vegas, but she is more like mistresses 10-15 or whatever. The really gross, trashy girls who have been doing celebrity boxing and shit.

    As much as Rachel sucks, Brendonn is just the new BB5 Drew, getting sex/HJs from a drunk girl, berating her when she drinks or has her version of fun, then makes her apologize to him. What. A. Pussy.

  3. Yes, I'm pissed Britney failed to flash her backbone, I'm pissed that Kristen will be leaving, and I'm pissed that I broke down and paid for the feeds and continually miss shit like this.

    And you just know that by some pre-ordained miracle, her boy-slave will win HoH, and we'll have to go through all this again.

  4. I'm not gonna lie... during last week's HoH comp... I wasn't that bummed when Rachel won. I knew the rest of them wanted her out... 2 vs 8 was more entertaining to me, than 8 ganging up on 2. But they cannot leave this girl in the house. She's not entertaining, or even just annoying. She's something unexplainable. Like contracting herpes when you've never had sex. I can't believe people preferred her over Annie.

    This season is just hard to watch. Most nights I don't watch... I just read recaps here and at onlinebigbrother.com.

    And I know you love Kristen, but I get so sick of hearing people say that they 'deserve' to be here. I think she may have said that 34654386 times last night. Yes, you yelled at Rachel... but Brendon actually stuck his man rod into that cavernous hell hole. So I guess it just depends on your definition of deserving. I'm assuming the only thing Brendon deserves is an STD test and a restraining order. But they all deserve the title of the worst season I can remember in quite awhile. Even Season 9 was better than this shit.

    I just can't find anyone to root for and it's frustrating. So, I just need to quit watching, or shut the hell up and get over it.

  5. This was brilliant, as usual.

    I watched Brendon and Rachel arguing in the HoH bathroom last night, and the look on her face was fucking SCARY AS HELL. Although it was funny to watch her standing there wobbling & staring daggers at him while he tried to explain that he really didn't give a shit about Vegas. Any rational person who is truly in love at that point would say "You're right, Vegas is a shithole, and I'm tired of prancing around with my junk on display just to get some smarmy old man to buy me a drink, and this guy seems to like me, so there's no need for me to act that way anymore." Not our Rachel. I felt so bad for the city of Las Vegas last night.

    I respect Kristen for fighting to stay and not being a big enough moron to say "I won't campaign against him" about a person she met a month ago. I'd like to see her stay too, but like you said, I doubt she will.

    Thanks for giving me a little entertainment in my dull boring workday.

  6. I'm giving up on this season of BB. The only updates I'll be reading are yours of course, Lala, because they are so Goddamn funny and express how I feel perfectly. My condolences that you'll have to keep paying attention to the house in order to write your completely awesome blog.

  7. omg i've been in that bedroom you're describing.

  8. It's a little sad that people don't see what kind of a pussy mop Hayden is and will make him stay. I just wish I could see the brigade's faces when they'll rewatch the show and see how pathetic of a barbie mop whatever Hayden is.

    Britchney totally lost my vote when she decided not to use the POV. Sure, she wanted to protect Lane for some weird ass reason, but seriously she keeps telling Rachel off in the DR and doesn't do a damn thing... which brings me to my next point: how in the fucking hell can they be scared of that red head tits juggling freak?! I say congrats to Kristen for doing her best and showing a little ball attitude towards that bitch but seriously the others have to open their fucking eyes soon or I swear Ill fly down to LA myself and bomb that freaking house!!!

    In hopes that something good will happen soon!

  9. Oh my god! You are so funny. You hit the nail right on the head. My husband and I are laughing out loiud and rereading your passages. You are a wise sage. My husband went to school at UNLV and bragged about $.50 drinks. Now he sees clearly how these conversations look to others.

  10. Don't you think you are being to hard on Rachel? She is doing BB to inspire all the little girls in the trailer parks, to show, they too... can be a Vegas Stripper and a STAR on BB! They are learning how to drink, dance and then F%$^k pussy boys! Come guys give her a break , she is doing this for her community.....

  11. Phenomenal job! So happy I found your blog, you are extremely talented and should be writing books. As a person who reads on a daily level I know you would have a best seller. Rachel is doing herself in, hopefully Brendon can hang around longer than her to see if being with her brought the worst out in him. Truthfully there is no one to like in the house this year, have been going with Rachel and Brendon as I don't like the gang mentality against them....but Rachel is even getting on my last nerve now. Keep up the good work Colette, you do a first rate job which leaves me with a smile every day. Thanks!

  12. Thank you for saying that about the Matt fans. Maybe some of them will chill out a little now. I have absolutely no problem with people having favorites ..it makes it more fun to watch when you have someone to root for.. however it's the rabid, close minded fans that I have a problem with.. the ones that freak out if you say anything bad about their favorite or something positive about someone who may be opposing their favorite. I've come very close to unfollowing a few people on Twitter because I think they may actually be crazy.

  13. Rachel is such a skank, and on top of that, she is obviously an alcoholic,big time. Poor Brendon, if he keeps hooking up with her outside of BB, he is in for a world of hurt, and probably lose the rest of his family to boot. She is certainly not the type of girl to being home to meet Momma. Hayden hit the nail in the head when he said, " A lot of men would do her, not many would date her,"

  14. You crack me up, he would rather kiss and coo and make macaroni art LOL!!!

  15. Not just funny but spot on. I keep meaning to get the feeds, but with this blog, I don't really need them and I don't have to listen to the harpie's laugh.

  16. Bitch, write a book! The imagery you create is so vivid I think I jizzed a little bit.

    And poor Kristen... I'm angry at Britney for not using the Veto, but at least she's still good for a few laughs. Kristen's gone as far as I'm concerned, which makes me sad, but I'm hoping she'll at least break a bitches nose or pop an implant before she leaves.

  17. Rachel screams narcissist to me. She reminds me of my mother-in-law the way everyone tolerates her obviously bad behavior, but everyone is scared to say anything to her about it. Honestly, it gives me the heebee jeebees to watch her b/c she seriously reminds me of what I've dealt with the last 10 years. LOL If Brendon wins HOH next week, I'll have to take a break or get therapy.

  18. Watching last night's train wreck not only killed my day and night today (NO WAY I WAS GOING TO TAKE A 2 HOUR NAP BEFORE WORK) but had me virtually dry heaving for Rachael. Apparently the voodoo dolls work the other way too and I was her peace offering. Sooooo unbelievably skanky - even if it was to piss bitch boy off... GAG / UGH /YAK

    Valtrex... makes me wonder now... they have to see the BB doctor before getting in... is that Harlot really disease free or was she just what they needed for ratings? In some ways, I feel sorry for Brendon. I think it is because he is only clueless. But he made "her" bed and then did more than lay in it. She should stick to the bottle service and free him for some mousy girl that he will fill full of bliss - for about 1 minute per instance anyway.

    They both know, but won't admit that they are worse than oil and vinegar... more like a sponge and acid I think. Enough about the vomitfest they provided to not only the HG last night but to the rest of us. I bet she regrets not backdooring him and making that catty alliance now. She is stuck with him for two months either as a vote or a ho-mance. Stare-down from hell or not.

    On to the good things... Regan gave me a glimmer of hope today (just a glimmer)... he was almost OUTING the Brigade to Kristen and Rachael and I swear I got wet. But alas... at the time of this posting... Rachael has her and Brendon's heads up her ass. YES... I think there is room and possibly for one more head. Although Regan annoys me with the Ambien talks... he finally made sense!!!! But alas... catty bitches can't ever align.

    Can I cancel my summer's live feed now and just read your blog while you suffer and blog CoLa?

    I hope Kristen stays and Hayden goes AND that my wish doesn't curse your summer because I have no luck and haven't won the lottery yet. Oh crap... did I just waste my lottery chances on this wish for BB12? UGH.

    CoLa... THANK YOU so much for making BB12 endurable. What a fantastic blog and good luck on your book!

    One more thing (again).. piper and creme (and everyone else) the first STAREDOWN scared the hell out of me! She controls the underworld. I'm convinced now!

  19. "Rachel is like a big piece of poo you step in." Great analogy!

    I thought the same thing. Natalie of the "Bad Girls Club" shouting, "I run LA," and Rachel shouting, "I am Vegas." Conjoined twins separated at the head.

  20. OMG... oh.. I mean OBV!!! I may get in trouble for posting this link... I hope not, because all the world need this confirmation that she IS THE ANTI-CHRIST!!!!! It will be the END OF THE WORLD if she wins. Rachel IS ACTUALLY VEGAS. Check this clip, courtesy of "I HATE BIG BROTHER" website http://www.ihatebigbrother.com/2010/08/big-brother-12-rachel-says-all-men-are-stupid/#comments

    She is in the jury, BUT, if she wins... I WILL NOT apply for Season 13 and Janelle should rip her hair out... not extensions.. but HAIR. Janelle is not this disgusting... AND THAT IS SOOO WRONG TO SAY... Janelle is a fantastic game player... reason it it was said is because HyenaFace actually "compares" herself to Janelle. I'm sick for TOOOOOOO many days in a row. The spawn of satan must be eliminated and NOW!!!!

    I went from thinking she was playing a part to realizing she is the spawn of hell between Nominations and viewing this video.

    I am on my knees apologizing to anyone/everyone that I said she is smart (even in a ho-smart way)... She is EVIL incarnate.

    CoLa... I am at your mercy for any sort of "niceness" I have shown. My boyfriend kept telling me, but I thought... "Oh no... she is just being strong"...

    In a public forum (and save this CoLa) I state.. I was wrong about the ho-bag beast from hades Rachael (gag - said her name - yak... etc). I just like the underdog and I was wrong... she is the most manipulative, sociopathic, psychoCUNT from hell I have EVER witnessed. YES, I'm sorry to actually us the C word because I have vile in my throat saying it; but it is accurate.

    Tell me what my offering is to you to make it right for doubting even a little bit of what you said about her.

    NOW... I really REALLY feel sorry for Brendon... nice guy/victim. AND this video TOTALLY explains her STARE OF DEATH... but it is really the STARE OF SATAN.

    I must go to church now.

    Humbly and nauseously,

  21. I may have posted before this but CoLa... you were ABSOLUTELY 100% RIGHT. Here is what I posted on "I Hate Big Brother" website after seeing the following video.

    [I’m SOOOOOO sorry that Janelle is her Idol… because Janelle was “game player” but not a PLAYA. I’m sick that I was a Rachel supporter because she was an underdog. I got played in BB12 like the others actually in the house. Janelle deserves KUDOS and a WIN… Rachel makes me ill after this video and I “very, very sadly” was in her corner. Poor Brendon… is just a bigger mark than these guys in this video. And what is sadder… I thought he was a douche until this. Now I KNOW he is a victim. I’m sorry I ever gave her a benefit of the doubt.

    Kudos to my boyfriend for calling it out, even as I defended her (because of the underdog thing) and still loving me… even as he laughed. Guess he is a good judge of character… I hope I don’t disappoint him.

    One more thing.

    The first step to treatment is acknowledgement. Can I go to Rachel Rehab please?

    Wasn't a true Rachel fan... just an underdog fan. ]

    Sooooo sick. Again, I'm sorry for even doubting you 2%. Here is the link:


    Vile in my throat for decades to come!

  22. Rachel is an ugly Rumer Willis

  23. Thanks Lala I learn how to read from reading your blog. LOL

  24. Love your blog. Love your sense of humor and writing style. Best BB12 Blog out there.

  25. TY CoLa baby love you and your blog Brilliant. Now about last night...OMG it's all that shit Matt's fault, he so f'ed up this show. Mr. smarty is clueless. I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS!!!! Then we come to my Brit, OMG are you spineless or what girl. All that time i spent loving and adoring you and your red weeping eyes. Only one person I can like this year and she is going home. Please dear God let someone win HOH this week and do what we all want. KILL THE BEAST. I thought that stare would melt Brandong last night. She is Satan. His poor Mother must be sick to death of the thought of what she might have injected into him last night. One more thing, I go to Vegas often and get my room compted but I just dont know any more. Is it worth it to be in the same town as her or state. To think Brandong might move here to my California is just unthinkable. Smog and smell L.A. cant take both. Kisses baby Cola, ty for helping me with my guilty pleasure, BB, my wife just laughs at me and wonders what i am doing watching all this but another couple of weeks of the red witch and i am just going to read you and not watch at all.

  26. Love ur blog! U really do need to write a book! I'd be 1st in line! I hate Matt for not putting up brenchal. I hate brenchal as a team and I hate them separately. she makes me sick and he's a sick bastard for standing by her. PLEASE let them have more alcohol, let her get alcohol poisoning and be laid up for a few days so we dont have to see or freaking hear her voice! Let him be so worried he stays in the HOH room and then looses the next HOH challenge... and please let Enzo win. i cant believe I want the house bozo to have the power!!

  27. Holy shit. What loser would throw away 25k for bottle service from that skank? For a moment in the HOH stank hole, when "It" was staring at the wall, I thought "It" was going to freak out and rip off bitch boy's well built arms. Deep down he is petrified of this red headed medusa, one more petulent alcohol comment from Mr. perfect L.A. and the jizz filled Vegas bottle queen might just eat him. Bitch boy - run, run away and don't look back. This dong recepticle will destroy you and everything you have allegedly "Worked your tight little ass off for" Oh I forgot, "It" has worked "It's" cream-filled ass of too. I guess "It" opens Cristal Rose bottles with "It's" busted crack, aka "The I am Vegas fire red vagine" Good TV this does make, finally.

  28. agree with all that you so poeticly have written....
    one part from last night that you left out, was probably the funniest line so far by bb12 was when brendon (i know, it surprises me that he can be funny) came out to the pool to lane and enzo after "faux-drunk"rachel flashed them all, twice....they asked him what's going on up there...are you doing shots, he replied...yes, sudafed and drano....
    i completely lost it...struck me as so funny

    ...its a shame he teamed up with her so quickly, he might have been able to be tolerable...but instead...sleeping with dogs, just got him fleas...big, fat, lice-ridden fleas, but fleas none the less...too bad

  29. Hmmmmm. Matt wasn't even ON Wednesday's show... I wonder what happened to him.