I AM Vegas!!!

(Image via onlinebigbrother.com)

The storm clouds rolled in. They've been rolling in for a while now. We just never bothered to look up and take notice. The trees swayed and a solitary deer stood frozen like a statue in a meadow. An owl hooted overhead. It was a warning. The squirrels, chipmunks, and woodland nymphs put down their nuts and berries and ran. My god, they ran. It was coming... the WRATH of Lala!!! When Colette Lala doesn't get her way, furry creatures, big and small, suffer. She systematically crushes their skulls with her bare hands. No one knows where her strength comes from. Some say it's her ch'i or maybe her kundalini and whatnot, but let's get real... it's probably the gin. Her home stirred bathtub gin infused with coriander, cardamom, and juniper berries is somewhat of an elixir if you will. It'll put hair on your chest (a side effect she has yet to resolve), turn your inner "yawp" into somewhat of a growl, and give you the strength of a thousand pissed off gods. Let's recap, shall we?

Britney didn't use the POV. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! I'm tempted to end this right here, but I tend to get yelled at when I don't blog and I can't stand to see you bitches whine. So yeah, Britney tells everyone that Rachel threatened to put Lane on the block if she used the POV. Kristen is naturally crestfallen and Britney begins her apology rounds. First, she talks to Hayden in the HOH. She tells him she didn't want to risk Lane going home. Look, sure, the guy is funny and all that, but he has done nothing, NOTHING, of value in this game. He sits in the backyard and jokes around with Enzo. He lets Matt and his big ole bag of bullshit make all the decisions and, last time I checked, Lane hasn't won, or even come close to winning anything.

Don't even get me started on Matt. We wouldn't be in this mess if he wasn't such a complete pussy who thinks he's some sort of mad genius. You are not a genius Matt. You are a tiny little ball handling idiot who wasted an HOH and made my summer next to intolerable. I loathe you with a fiery passion. I blame Matt entirely for the direction this season has taken. His decision during his reign is the single reason we're stuck with Brenchel for as long as we are. I know some Matt fans read this blog, but I don't really fucking care. I think you guys are bordering on delusion by liking this kid. He's not good looking, he's not cool, he has an abnormal obsession with his own balls, and, as a result, I'm forced to question your sanity. Anyone who supports his nominations when he was HOH is a nut job. The end.

Alright so Britney then moves on to apologize to Kristen. She's truly sorry yadda yadda yadda. Oh save it Britney. I'm so upset with you right now you have no idea. Kristen is right. Everyone in that damn house is ridiculously scared of Rachel and what she's gonna do that they just go ahead and let her continue to get her way. It's infuriating and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I'll call out anyone who let's that alcoholic red headed harpie get her way. Look, we all hate her, the house hates her... they spend hours everyday ripping her a new asshole... so why wouldn't they do whatever they could to get her out? It is truly mind boggling. There is no good reason anyone could give me for keeping her in this game. She is a threat. She is strong. Get her the fuck out of that house!

Back in the land of the sane, Kristen has decided that she has to fight to stay. Her chances are slim and she knows that, but she'll regret not putting the effort forth and at least trying. She won't campaign against Hayden. She'll campaign for herself. She spends the day making the rounds to all the HG's. Her number one argument for keeping her in the house is "because it'll piss off Rachel". I love it. It's funny, smart, and kind of perfect. I'm not going to get my hopes up or anything. I know Kristen is going home, but the fact that she's trying and the fact that she's so anti-Rachel makes me happy.

Rachel is like a big piece of poo you step in. She gets stuck in the crevices of your tennis shoes and you're forced to leave her outside until you can muster up the motivation to rinse her off. You know rinsing the shoes off will only get rid of the surface poo/Rachel. To really get the shoes clean you're going to have to get a twig and use it to dig out the muck/Rachel from each one of the crevices. The twigs will break. They'll stink. You may gag a little cuz Rachel poo smells like the most pungent diarrhea you've ever encountered. Eventually you'll just give up and throw away the $120 sneakers you were once so happy to get. They were the first pair that really cradled your foot perfectly. You could hike, jog, and power walk for hours with your crisp white and blue sneaks. You spent weeks searching for the perfect pair. Stepping in a big pile of Rachel poo is not only unfortunate but it's depressing. So, you chuck the shoes and try to move on, but the stink... it lingers. You forgot to stick the shoes in a plastic bag before tossing them into your trash can so even months later that smell punches you in the face every time you go to take out the garbage. It nauseates you so much that you loathe taking the trash out. The bags sit unprotected. Deer chew them up in the middle of the night. You're out $120, you're trash can is no good, and now you have to spend every Friday morning cleaning up your apple cores and wine bottles scattered in the street of your neighborhood. It's all because of Rachel.

Speaking of poo, did you know that Rachel has broken every single toilet in the Big Brother house? Yup, she sits her ass down on the toilet and things shoot out that have no business shooting out. They stain and stink up the bathrooms making them useless. The poor HG's are developing Urinary Tract Infections because Rachel's ginormous shits are making it impossible to pee anywhere in the house. Just yesterday she had to have her minion/boyfriend Bitch Boy unclog her HOH toilet for the twentieth time. Poor Britney wanted to tinkle, but found she couldn't because Rachel's explosive shits turned the HOH toilet into that toilet from Trainspotting.

I imagine Rachel's breath smells a little like her HOH toilet. Her breath can sizzle the wings off of butterflies. Rachel will be sitting outside and a lovely Monarch butterfly will flutter by. It's spreads is fragile colorful wings, not a care in the world, you look at it and think to yourself "how lovely". Then Rachel walks by, opens her mouth, and shrieks, "I AM Vegas!" That poor butterfly never had a chance. It's wings freeze and slowly begin to sizzle. It starts out slow at first then it speeds up and turns the poor little beautiful butterfly into nothing but a tiny puff of smoke. It's sad really. I weep for the lost butterfly.

This brings me to the overnight antics of one Miss Rachel Reilly. The HG's get an alcohol delivery and it's LARGE. It's bigger than any previous delivery which means that CBS is well aware of how much this season sucks. Anyhow, the alcohol arrives and Rachel gets started. She's slow at first, but once that alcohol gets coursing through her veins she has to have more... and more... and more. She begins to talk about Vegas and how she's Vegas. She's oh so Vegas. Yes, Rachel, you are fake and phony and covered in dust and jizz and spilled liquor. We get it. You're Vegas. Bitch Boy looks on disapprovingly. Although deep down inside he knows he's probably gonna get get laid so that's something *sigh* I guess.

Rachel begins to twirl and grab her own breasts. Her dress ends up around her waist, nipples pop out here and there, and the other HG's can only sigh and search for ways to get away. They leave Rachel outside to talk herself while they seek refuge in the quiet safety of the kitchen. Bitch Boy tries to get her to calm down. He doesn't like that we've all seen her breasts by now. They fight and bicker. Rachel slurs and insists she's Vegas. That's all she cares about really - that we know she's Vegas... whatever the hell that means. It reminded me of that chick on Bad Girls Club last season. That girl who kept shouting "I run LA! I run LA!"

Remember the other night when Bitch Boy specifically asked Rachel if she fights when she gets drunk and she said no? Well, she's a big ole stinky greasy liar. Bitch Boy, naturally, hates belligerent drunks. He'd rather kiss and coo and make macaroni art over a few sips of White Zinfandel. The whole yelling, fighting, and flashing HG's really isn't his scene.

After hours of Rachel annoying everyone to death, the HG's finally turn in for the night and try to get some shut eye. Bitch Boy is extremely upset at what a lush his girlfriend is. He climbs into bed and whimpers with his blanket pulled all the way up to his chin. Meanwhile Rachel's a sloppy mess on the floor with her ass hanging out and alcohol seeping through her pores. Can you imagine what that room must have smelled like? First the poo then the lushy Rachel skin. Gross!

Brendon has a lot to think about. There's no way his mother will approve of this harlot, but, then again, he can probably score some sex from her so that's exactly what he does. He lifts her up off the floor, tells her over and over again he loves her, and coerces a drunk girl into sex. Hot! Clearly no condom was used and I'm thinking Brendon will be asking the DR for some Valtrex any day now. Brendon knows he's in over his head. He knows she's gonna be a handful. He'll have to hold her hair back when she's hunched over puking after a night of getting jiggy with it down at the club. He'll probably have to plunge toilet after toilet for the rest of his life. Random scarlet hairs will pop up in his cereal and macaroni and cheese. Glittery mismatched blouses and skirts will litter his bedroom closet. Dried caked on make-up will stain the bathroom sink. Lipstick will mark the walls and even an odd ceiling or two. It all doesn't matter though. Brendon is in love. He's in it for long haul. He'll stay with Rachel as long as she'll have him. It's a love story for the ages.

So, what did you bitches think of last night? Were you pissed Britney used the POV? Does Kristen have a snowball's chance in hell of staying? Is any toilet in California safe? How long does it take for Valtrex to start working? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!