Throughout the Big Brother season, I receive all sorts of interesting emails and Facebook messages. Sometimes I get lovely fan letters and other times I get not so lovely hate mail (always in caps and always misspelled mind you). For example, I received one a few weeks ago calling me a "psychotic mentally challenged undouched cunt" and demanding I stay out of Chat Room 31 (you're all invited by the way!). It was odd and strange considering I've never even been in Chat Room 31. I chalked it up to insanity and went about my own business. Today, however, I received a message that spoke from the heart. It perfectly illustrates my impact on the beauty industry, Rachel fans, and psychotic hose beasts. Please to enjoy...
Colette I have got a story for you. I have had my hair blue and once the blue washed out I was left with the blonde. I had to do that so the blue would be the right color. So anyway I decided to go back to my natural color dark brown. Everything is good my appointment time comes up and I'm called back by a girl a little younger then me I think. We start chit chatting and find out we are both feed watchers and asked about each others screen names. She offered hers first and I should have known something was up cause after telling her mine and going on and on about how I love your blog she got quiet. So we go rinse my hair, and as I sit in front of the mirror with the towel around my head she starts saying yeah I know you and the blogger you were talking about. Then she removes the towel and says, "I thought you could use a touch of Rachel in your life!" MY HAIR IS THE SAME COLOR AS HYENA FUCKFACE! The only good thing that came of it is that I got the bitch fired and my hair will be redone for free. So my point is Rachel fans are as fucked up as she is.
Ahaha! Best. Story. Ever. voodookitty I'm sorry about your hair, but I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here: Rachel fans are nutjobs who can't be trusted in the work place. Mark it well. It just might save your life (or your hair) down the road. Let's recap, shall we?
(I'm doing this without any notes today so forgive any inaccuracies please. Thanks to onlinebigbrother.com for filling in the blanks on things I missed)
We begin the day with the shaggy haired pussy boy, Hayden, being released from confinement. Why he was released so early is a mystery to me because that certainly was NOT 24 hrs. His first order of business is to eat and his second is to figure out a way to sacrifice his girlfriend in order to save himself. It still astonishes me how spineless this kid is. He's never once stood up for himself or his alliances. He's already blamed the predicament he's in on Kristen, Matt, god, the devil, and his poor crippled grandma in a nursing home. Any moment now he'll offer his firstborn, his puppy, and his precious niece in exchange for another week of safety in the house. It's fine to play for yourself and look out for number one, but don't lie to me and say you're loyal to your man alliance or care about your nighttime paramour. I'm a bright girl. I see what you're doing Hayden. We all see it. You have zero loyalty and zero conviction. Don't think Enzo and Lane don't know what's going on. They do and you'll pay for it when Badda-bing eventually implodes. First Matt will go, then you.
Our two nominees meet briefly indoors and begin to discuss what their best option is for staying in the game. Kristen thinks it's in both of their best interests if she comes off the block. Hayden thinks it's better if he comes off. Kathy enters and the conversation is cut short. Kathy is the new Ragan today. You'll see over the course of the day she has a knack for sniffing out a strategic convo and breaking it up. She's like McGruff the crime dog which, if you really think about it, is kind of amazing considering what the tobacco and ammonia/bleach solution must have done to her sinuses.
After Rachel and Brendon have a tearful fight outside about standardized testing (yes, standardized testing) Kristen is able to sneak away with Britney to talk about that pesky POV looming overhead. Britney is hesitant to use it because she doesn't know who Rachel will put up as a replacement. She's worried that, out of spite, she'll put up Matt or Lane. I really don't see the problem in that at all. Put up Matt and Hayden will stay in the game. Put up Lane and Hayden goes home. Sounds good to me! Look, as long as Kristen is safe I don't give two flying fucks about who goes home. Unforutnately for me, Britney does give a flying fuck and wants Kristen to go to Brenchel and make a deal with them to put up Kathy. Kristen already tried that. Rachel is so consumed with jealousy that she's hell bent on getting Kristen out of this game. There's no way she'd make any sort of honorable deal with Kristen.
Umm can we talk about last night's show for a second here? I'm staying with a friend for a few days and she's not really a BB fan, but she decided to indulge me last night and have a look see at the big CBS show. Rachel came on the screen shrieking and shouting at the home viewers about how great she was and how vile Kristen was. My friend turns to me and says, "What's wrong with her? Is she retarded?" I replied, "Yes. Very." My friend says, "That voice... it's so shrill." I sighed, "I know, I killed your puppy earlier because of it." Needless to say I'm typing this from the side of the road. I have bugs in my teeth and debris in my hair. I have a fistful of truck drivers' phone numbers in my pocket and I smell a little like gasoline and road kill. How I suffer for you bitches...
Back in the house Hayden finally gets his meeting with Britney. He's trying to convince her to use the Veto on him instead of Kristen. Britney is still worried that someone she's tight with (Enzo or Lane) will go up on the block as his replacement. Hayden is 100% convinced that the replacement will be Kathy. *sigh* No, he's not. All he wants is off that block. It doesn't matter if Kristen is a sure bet to go home or if Lane goes up as his replacement. As long as Hayden is off the block, then Hayden is happy. If he was smart, he'd push for Britney NOT to use the veto at all. He's a shoe in to stay if Kristen stays on that block with him. But no, Hayden isn't smart. He's got tunnel vision (must be the hair) and it's clouding his common sense. Britney says that if she gets a guarantee that Kathy is the replacement nominee, then she'll use the Veto.
The conversation then turns to Matt. Britney is convinced that Matt has some sort of deal with Brenchel. Why else would he not have nominated them when he had the chance? The more Britney begins to talk about Matt, his actions, and his behavior, the more she begins to figure out what Matt is all about in this game. She's remarkably accurate when she says Matt is playing for himself, has an alliance with Ragan, and made some sort of deal with Brenchel. Yup, yup, and yup. You nailed it Brit. Also, earlier in the day Matt lied to Kathy and told her that Britney was going to use the POV this week. I'm not sure I understand the logic of that particular move, but that's what the index card nestled next to his balls says so, naturally, Matt went with it.
It bothers Britney that no one has approached Matt for his farce of an HOH and that he's not being held accountable for keeping Brenchel in the game. It bothers me too Brit and herein lies the problem with Badda-bing. They're way too scared of making any moves, speaking up, being in power, and actually grabbing this game by the balls and playing. You can't just sit back and expect everyone else to play the game for you. It's like how last night they got all excited by the Rachel/Kristen fight because it took the target off their own backs. Yeah, well Kristen has balls. She doesn't let anyone push her around and she certainly speaks up when something bothers her. As much I hate to admit it, Rachel does too. I may pray everyday that she gets a bad case of Mange and is plagued by acne (the acne prayer is working!), but she's not weak and scared like Badda-bing is. I'll give her that much. No more. That's it. Any time I compliment Rachel a chubby little cherub angel in the sky plunges to his death. A moment of silence now for Gabriel if you will... Cabanel's Birth of Venus won't be the same without him.
Lane enters and the conversation turns to next week's HOH. Everyone wants Brenchel out of the house, but no one is willing to do it themselves. This is baffling to me. What is everyone so scared of?! Is the ghost of Rachel going to come back and haunt the house like Catherine in Wuthering Heights? Is she going to scratch at all the windows and whisper the HG's names to them while they sleep? Maybe candles will mysteriously get blown out and the floorboards will creak with her residual anger. I mean, come on! Gimme a break. Evict the bitch and be done with it. This isn't a gothic novel... as much as I wish it was... it's Big Brother. People get evicted. That's what happens. I know the plan is to get Brendon out first, but I think that's a mistake. Rachel is smarter than Brendon (plop!) - uh oh... another angel - and she's far more dangerous than he is. Besides she bugs the shit out of me and I can't deal with her lasting a long time in this game. My eyes twitch back and forth, I have a bald spot on the side of my head (from the trichotillomania I've recently developed), and dried blood is crusted down the sides of my neck (from my ears). I'll never get laid again if this keeps up. I used to be cute!
Hayden even pitches to Lane a new plan. A plan designed completely on the basis of every male in the house having a vagina. Hayden will try to make a deal with Brenchel to put up Kathy so he can come off the block. Badda-bing will vote to keep Kristen in the game, they'll throw HOH to her next week, and then she'll be the one to nominate Brendon and Rachel. Do you see how ridiculous this is? Idiots. They're doing Kristen a favor! The girl will be a rock star for splitting up Brenchel. Badda-bing is so scared of Brendon or Rachel winning HOH two weeks from now that they'll let Kristen take all the heat and have her deal with the ramifications. Look assholes, if you keep thinking Brenchel will win HOH, they will! I read The Secret. I know the power of the Laws Of Attraction. Put that shit out into the universe and it'll find a way to manifest. Speaking of The Secret, I've made my own wish board. It has a photo of Rachel with her breasts blackened with disease and her hair chopped short all blunt and crazy-like. A large Latina woman (Brendon's mom) is tying her to a stake and Brendon's dad is standing nearby with a gallon of gasoline. Off in the corner Brendon is in a tutu burying his penis into the ground while weeping thick salty tears. It's a lovely image really. I'm thinking about turning it into a poster and selling it here on this very blog. You guys would buy it, right?
After dinner Hayden talks to Kristen about what they need to tell Rachel. Hayden wants to offer Rachel 2 weeks of protection if she takes him off the block and puts up Kathy. Kristen isn't so sure his plan will work. Rachel is a jealous and spiteful person who hates everything in life including herself, she'll put up someone like Matt or Lane or maybe even Enzo. Hayden says they need to be best friends with Brenchel and pitch a four person alliance with them. When Kristen wins HOH she can yell all she wants and humiliate Rachel on national television. What is she to you Hayden? An Italian housewife with no control of her emotions? Offer the female a chance to throw a hissy fit and all will be well? God, you disgust me. I can't wait for Badda-bing to turn on you.
Ultimately, the decision lies with Britney. Will she or won't she? She wonders to herself if maybe this is a perfect opportunity to split up Hayden and Kristen. If Hayden were any sort of threat in this game, I'd say that's logical thinking, but Hayden is so flighty he has no true alliances with anyone really. We've already seen how easily he turns on both Kristen and Badda-bing. Britney tells Lane that keeping Kathy in the house might not be a bad idea after all. She'll make future nominations easier by going up as a pawn if needed. Lane is worried that Kristen will grow to be a problem down the road. Look Lane, if you bothered to make a move and be a fucking man in this game you wouldn't be in the predicament you're in. Why not make a deal with Kristen? She's clearly stronger than you are. Since you're so scared of getting blood on your hands, let Kristen do it instead. Then you and your little girly alliance can spend the next few weeks sunning yourselves and cracking jokes while the strong women (Kristen, Rachel, Britney) continue to play this game for you. Better yet, why not just take a nap until Final Four? I mean, that's essentially what you want to do anyways. Seriously, I think I hate every man in this house. They'd use their wives and girlfriends to shield themselves from an armed robber if given the opportunity. Disgusting.
A little later BOTH Hayden and Kristen go up to the HOH to talk to Brenchel. Queen Red has her hair slicked back, no make up on, and a ginormous chip on her shoulder. It was positively frightening. I clutched my crucifix and hoped for the best. First things first, Rachel wants to know exactly what Hayden and Kristen have offered Britney. They say they've offered her 2 weeks safety. Rachel then says that they'll have to offer her a 5 person alliance (Rachel, Brendon, Hayden, Kristen, and Britney) and that in future nominations they'll have to put up their friends. I think to myself "Take the damn deal! Promise the bitch whatver she wants then nuke her next week!" My inner screaming was interrupted by Rachel again bringing up last week's HOH. She doesn't understand why Kristen kept going after her. Yes you do Rachel. You're not an idiot. Stop acting like one. You were going after Kristen just as much as she was going after you. Stop acting so fucking shocked you're under attack. You're a miserable and repugnant person. People loathe you. You must have encountered this in your everyday life. I find it very hard to believe you're well-liked in the real world.
The conversation gets back to some deal making and Hayden tells Rachel that all they need from her is a promise that she'll put up Kathy. Brendon takes his pacifier out of his mouth long enough to say that he's worried they can't trust Hayden and Kristen. Oh for fucks sake, someone get him a new bottle and change his diaper. He's ruining everything! In the end, Rachel and Brendon are actually willing to think about it. They want Hayden to get Britney in on the 5 person alliance and sign the deal in blood. The entire room agrees that if they pull this off, this will be the biggest move in the game. Meanwhile, at home, I'm thinking "And the dumbest Rachel and Brendon! Ahahaha!!!" Rachel really is an idiot if she falls for this. It's perfect!
Hayden fills Britney in on everything that was said: she needs to take the deal even though it's basically a big stinky lie and they'll go after Brenchel anyways. Britney then goes up to the HOH and discusses all the specifics with Rachel. Rachel is still wary of Kristen and presses Britney as to whether or not she can actually trust Kristen. They talk about putting Kathy up as a replacement because she's the choice that won't really piss off the house. Again, Rachel talks about this being a huge move (yeah, huge and STUPID!). She still needs to think about it.
Late at night we find Brenchel in bed discussing the Hayden and Kristen plan. They're going over the votes and various scenarios for the coming weeks. The more they talk, the more the scheme disappears into the distance. I know a lot you bitches wanted Kristen and Rachel to team up and I was against it because I hate Rachel so much. You guys made it sound like it was a long term thing. If it's a one time lie to keep Kristen in the game, then I'm all for it. In the end, sadly, Hyena Fuckface whispers to her Bitch Boy that ultimately she just can't trust Kristen and then I wept. I wept for the past, I wept for the future, I wept for Kristen, I wept for world peace, and I wept for my hair to grow back in as soon as possible. My only hope is that Britney makes a move on her own... a move without Rachel and Brendon. I will spend today mixing potions and putting beautiful Kristen thoughts out into the universe. If that guy who killed all the people in the sweat lodge can make The Secret work for him, then surely it can work for me.
So. does Kristen have a chance in hell to stay? Why are Badda-bing so damned scared of everything? How hard is it to get the stench of squashed raccoon out of denim? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!