Friday, August 6, 2010

Time To Make Amends


Dear Nature,

It's safe now. It's safe to bloom, it's safe to frolic, it's safe to hop and forage and nestle and fly. Come out fair butterflies. Run free young chipmunks. Dive without fear majestic dolphins. The greasy mean old witch can't hurt you anymore. Her reign of hate and jealousy is done. You can once again live and reproduce free from fear and loathing. The big bad beak-nosed lady who reeks of self-hatred and tequila has retreated. She's gone to lick her wounds. Sure, she'll get herpes on her tongue and her breath will smell like Ragan's pungent farts, but that's ok. It's all ok now. It's a time to smile, dance, and be free.

The joy welling up inside me this morning is unparalleled. It's like that scene in Footloose when Reverend Shaw Moore tells the kids they can finally have their dance. The Bonnie Tyler music swells, Kevin Bacon and Lori Singer are bursting with giddiness that they can hardly contain themselves, and I get that tingle in my stomach that tells me it's time to dance. "There's a time to laugh, a time to weep, and there is... a time to dance!" That time is now. Grab your gin and glitter bitches. We've got a new HOH and his name isn't Brendon. Oh yeah! Let's recap, shall we?

We bid adieu to fair Kristen who played with dignity and grace. It was she who gave us our first real fight. She stood up for what she believed in and she never backed down. I wish you all the best in whatever you do Kristen. Holla at your girl when you get a chance. Back in the house Hyena Fuckface thought she had this whole thing all wrapped up. Brendon would win HOH and their reign of terror would continue. She even urinated all over the HOH toilet seat marking it as hers and no one else's. Uh, not so fast, Crisco face. Grab your cheap trashy wardrobe and make yourself at home DOWNSTAIRS. I've had about enough of you ruining the show I so dearly love.


The live show ended with yet another endurance competition. It took forever for the Feeds to return and when they did Kathy, Enzo, and Lane had already fallen with Kathy being this week's only Have-Not. I have no idea if Enzo or Lane threw the competition, but if they did, I'm gonna be pissed. I'm so sick of those two going out of their way NOT to play the game. It's kind of gross they've gotten this far by telling jokes and working out. I can understand laying low and not causing any waves, but I can't understand not playing and planning your day around events that'll take up the most time. Did you know that Lane takes showers, not because he necessarily needs one, but to waste 40 minutes? That's how these two think: what's the fastest/easiest way to get to Thursday and throw another competition?


Back in the HOH comp, there was only one thing on my mind: "Fall Brendon, fall!" I had made all the preparations in advance. I had my curry powder, cumin, red pepper flakes, hemlock, and belladonna. That's my "Fall Brendon Fall" recipe and my Lala's Knock You On Your Ass Curry Chicken recipe. So versatile and sooooo tasty! I boiled it all in a pot, added some cat fur (because Brendon is a pussy), and chanted the magical phrase in Ancient Enochian. Translated it goes something like this: Brendon I hate you and your nasty old crone/please trip and fall so we can send the bitch home. It's not Tennyson, but it'll do. I found a quiet corner to meditate in and I began to put all the lessons I learned in The Secret to use. I visualized Brendon slipping on paint and falling straight on his head. I imagined Rachel looking on in shocked horror. The palor of stunned realization creeping over her face. They'd both whimper and whine as their dreams of being Final 2 trotted off in the distance. With eyes closed and a contented look on my face, I began to smile because I knew... I just knew that my dreams would come true.


Happy in my serenity I checked back in on the Feeds. I glared at that paint can whirling round and round. I saw Britney, Matt, Ragan, and Hayden. The can whirled faster and faster and I counted again and again. 1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4... 1,2,3,4... I exhaled calmly, sat back in my purple velvet chaise lounge, looked up to the sky, and in a daze I undid my top. Without a word spoken I rose again stoic and strong. With my right hand I grabbed a handful of glitter from one of the many bowls surrounding me. With my left I held my bra overhead and began to twirl. *throws glitter* BRENDON FELL!!!! *twirls bra* WOOHOO!!! BITCH BOY IS DONE!!!!!!!!! *chugs some gin* DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE!!!! Merriment ensued. Satyrs seduced me. Fairies fluttered in my hair. Keebler Elves baked me cookies and poured me shot after shot. It was Bacchanalian. It was Dionysian. Gods swooned, elixirs were imbibed, robes lay in tatters on the floor... pure unadultered decadence. Satisfaction personified in a single moment.


I took another look at my computer screen and saw Rachel... lips clenched in a tiny yet firm line. dirty hair hanging limply down her back, and the realization of imminent failure creeping across her face. If I could only bottle that moment. I'd sell it to all the ugly girls who thought they were hot. I'd FedEx a gallon to Ass Licker and include a note with my sincerest regards.


While Rachel was livid and I was loving life, Bitch Boy paced back and forth muttering to himself. He cursed the competition for being rigged for people with small feet to win. He cried aloud about how the comp was unfair. He whined and moaned and I almost felt sorry for the guy. He wasn't upset about losing. He was scared to death his bitch harlot girlfriend was gonna roast his nuts for dinner. I mean, let's face it, that's really what was going on. While Bitch Boy groveled, Rachel sat stone faced. While Bitch Boy apologized, Rachel shot daggers with her eyes. It was chilling to witness. I think my ovaries folded in on themselves and vanished into tiny pufs of smoke. Children are no longer an option for me because I dared to stare into the eyes of the beast.

Like all Endurance comps this season, we're left, yet again, with Ragan and Matt. I wanted Matt to do the right thing and fall. I'm sick of seeing the same ole HOH's over and over again. I want new pictures and new letters and new gift baskets, but no, I never get my way. Ragan and Matt discuss how next week could be a mental challenge so they decide that Ragan should drop so he'll still be able to play in it. Oh please. *exasperated sigh* The day Ragan ever becomes HOH is the day I have a tail and can fly. So yeah *yawn* Matt is our new HOH.


The entire house is content and it's like they all breathed a sigh of relief at once. The entire energy in the house shifted in that very instance. Hyena Fuckface and her bitch were no longer the big men on campus. The Brigade and Britney spread their legs and got comfortable as they reclaimed the house for themselves. Kathy stayed supine and Ragan decided to take a moment to grieve... and hide from Rachel.




Ragan went to the Have-Not room to be alone and mourn his lost pal Kristen. He lay silent with memories of his unitarded friend when suddenly the door opened and the beast walked in. Rachel is a lot like a beast - her nose is powerful and can sniff out prey better than any Beagle or Wendigo can. I'm pretty sure she'd be able to live in the wild with no problems at all. It's not even like she'd really have to use her powerful nose to survive. All she'd have to do speak and the poor innocent furry woodland creatures would be rendered helpless. So, anyhow, Rachel enters and she wants to kiss ass and talk game. Ragan is so not in the mood so instead he lectures her on what a class act Kristen was and how Andrew's speech was basically a speech of lies. Rachel nodded and began to scrunch up her face. I couldn't figure out what she was doing until she started to sputter like a broken speedboat. Rachel was crying... or rather, she was fake crying. She lamented about how hard it is in this game and how she doesn't like having to evict people yadda yadda yadda. Oh shut up you stupid cunt. You were thrilled to get rid of Kristen. Your hatred for her was vile and intense all because it stemmed from your hatred for yourself. No one, especially not Ragan, is buying the bullshit you're serving up now.


Rachel continues to "cry" - seriously, there were NO tears just a lot of posturing - and Ragan just sighs and assures her he's still her friend. The best part was when Ragan essentially kicked her out. He tells her that he wants to "be alone with his thoughts" and eventually the hideous beast leaves. A few minutes later Matt enters and Ragan tells him how Rachel was fake crying and kissing his ass. Ragan is not looking forward to this week at all. He knows Brenchel is going to be on his ass 24/7 so he decides to spend the week in groups of people to lessen he chances of being cornered. Personally, I think it's going to be a challenge for the professional napper. Seriously, Ragan naps about 18 times a day.


Ragan and Matt begin to talk about the week ahead. So far, Matt is planning is to make amends to me by nominating both Brendon and Rachel. Ragan tells him that he should say something in his nomination speech about good sportsmanship. Matt thinks he'll just say that Brenchel are strong and keep winning challenges and that it's scary to have them in the game together. Bo-ring! Matt is such a chicken shit. He's really the most spineless person in this game. Hell, even Kathy has the balls to vote how she wants. Matt's a tiny ugly dwarf man who's too scared to get any blood on his hands. The Matt fans out there will whoop and cheer next Thursday when Brendon or Rachel goes home and they'll claim their little gremlin made some major move. Uh no. No way. All he's doing this week is simply correcting a GIGANTIC mistake that was made 2 weeks ago. He deserves no adulation or parades for splitting up Brenchel. It was a house plan anyways. Nothing at all innovative about Matt being the one to do it.

Off in a room no one else will dare enter, Bitch Boy is busy still apologizing to Hyena Fuckface. He kisses her hands and her face and tells her how much he loves her. Rachel responds by sneering and kissing her $500,000 goodbye. Brendon actually says to her, "I don't believe in me. I believe in us." After I cleaned up the vomit on my keyboard, I just laughed and laughed. He's so douchetastic. Does he have romance novels in his board shorts that he pulls out and read quotes from? He tells her he wants to make breakfast for her every morning and dinner every night. He wants to watch movies with her and her dog. He wants to cut of his penis and hand deliver it to her wrapped in tissue and flowers. OK so maybe I made up that last part, but it might as well be true.


So, where does that leave us? We've got a midget for a HOH, a couple that may have to campaign against each other, and Pandora's Box ready to be opened. Oh, how the hell did Ragan win the Saboteur vote? Anyone else think that was really strange? Fascinating to see where America's head is at though. Quite honestly, I don't know if he'll take the Pepsi challenge. Ragan is the poster boy for risk management and I'm not sure the job of Mr. Salvatore is a risk he's willing to take.


So, will Matt grow some balls and give a killer speech? How hard will Rachel campaign against Brendon? Will Enzo ever do anything worthwhile in this game? Will Kristen ever read my blog? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

21 comments:

  1. Prettyplainjo says: Brendon is really such a....god there is no word. He is playing the poster child for pussy whipped. I want CBS to interview his friends because they have to have lost all respect for him at this point. When Rachel and Brendon leave the house they are going to sober up and realize they were just drunk on camera. And that hangover is going to be funny.

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  2. OMFG, you are so brilliant. Seriously, fucking brilliant.

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  3. Love this blog, been reading for a week or so now, but I have a burning question. Who excactly is "Ass Licker" I've been wondering for a while now, that in in fact, there's a more vile human being on this earth who's name isn't Rachel Reilly.

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  4. After watching the smirk on Rachel's face when Britney announced that she was not using the POV, and watching that Skank cover her mouth to keep from laughing out loud, and add that to the mean, nasty,hurtful and uncalled for message that she left for Kristen, what sweet revenge it is to see Rachel the Skank and Brendon the Idiot boy with no balls,stunned that their game is coming to an end, for one of them at least.

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  5. As usual, you nailed this one!

    Matt needs to correct his mistake and muster a bit testosterone hidden in his body to do it with a little venom. B/R grew to be a huge, ugly monster and all of us would have been spared the misery of watching Hyena and Fuckface's reign of terror and indiocy if Matt had only done the right thing 2 weeks ago.

    Who goes this week, B or R? I don't care as long as one of them is out on Thursday. Too bad they both make the jury.

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  6. Oh Lala, if only you were in the BB house this season! Only then would we have some magic and class. What a bore watching people evade HOH. Matt was already crying about being a target next week. Jesus. He is a pussy but at least he has enough balls to put them up. It was interesting that you didn't note Rachel and Brit's convo about the strong possibility that Rachel will NOT move to be with Brendon after the show. She is going to push for his ass to leave and for her to stay. What a lame fauxmance. At least Ragan and Matt want to see the Hyena leave first because Brendon is basically useless unless he is spelling words. I could be wrong but I am sure that Ragan will be the sabatore (he wants camera time in a bad way). Anyway, have a good weekend and thank you so much for your insight and humor!

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  7. So, will Matt grow some balls and give a killer speech?.....No.

    How hard will Rachel campaign against Brendon?....Hard. Though if he wins veto she might squeeze out an "I love you too" so he'll use it on her.

    Will Enzo ever do anything worthwhile in this game?....Please. No.

    Will Kristen ever read my blog?...I hope so, Id love to see an interview w/her by you.

    Im not getting my hopes up yet, Matt is all about his own game and jury votes and will probably decide only one needs to go up and I dont want to think about what would happen next. And I dont see Ragan accepting the challenge, he's being too much of a wimp. I hope Im wrong about both those things.

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  8. Leaving Las Vegas RedAugust 6, 2010 at 12:59 PM

    Where's them duck lips now, Red?

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  9. Lori - I thought about that too.. is there a chance that if Brendon wins POV he would use it on Rachel as an apology for not winning HoH?? He is such a little bitch that I think there could be a chance.

    prettyplainjo

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  10. Some day, I want to come over and watch BB with you. The imagery you painted for us, when Brendon dropped out of the HoH competition, sounds just too good to pass up. I wanna drink gin topless and covered in glitter too.

    I'm so nervous to see what Matt does. I agree with you that if he puts Brendon and Rachel up he'll be correcting the mistake he made week 2. No it didn't really hurt him to keep them, but it did cost them Kristen, who could have been a great ally, and Rachel was targeting Matt anyway. So I hope he actually sticks to the plan this week. I think I heard some talk about getting Kathy out. I'm all for it. Just not this week.

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  11. Note to self, "do not read LaLa's blog with water in mouth". Seriously, "adding cat fur because Brendon is a pussy" to your Fall Brendon Fall recipe almost made it all come out my nose.

    I am so very happy that Brendon didn't win HOH. If Matt doesn't put them both up because he doesn't want blood on his hands, THEN HE SHOULD HAVE PUT THEM UP 2 WEEKS AGO WHEN THEY WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT TO THE JURY HOUSE". This is what I will scream so the little twerp had better follow thru.

    I think that R and B will be done when they go to the jury house. R can barely disguise her disgust for B as it is.....I almost feel sorry for him, but not really.

    Thanks for the great blog!
    Sophie

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  12. CoLa you are BB. Great is par for you baby. OK thank the good lord the Witch is almost dead. Please. But at the least it has to be the ballless boy. They have to go. If Matt F's this one up he has to be sent packing next week. For sure she will use her body and his weak mind to get b-boy to save her and sacrifice himself if he get pov. The way things are going she will probable win that too, oh my god another week of her.
    That look when Brit did not use the pov by the reddevil was just sick. She is worthless. Can anyone in her family or a friends ever defend that looks. She is a C' and I never use that word.
    Kristen was great and I am sure she will get a new boyfriend asap unless she has to start selling it on the corner now that she is homeless, jobless, and broke. Lets start a fund for her. She was the smartest one in the house and so sad she is gone. The rest are worthless but we will see what happens after the showmance is dead and gone. Maybe some game will break out.
    Well CoLa baby leaving to spend my week at the lake tomorrow. I will read your blog to catch up when I return. Missing you already. Kisses

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  13. No comment about Kristen's BF watching as she makes out with Hayden??? Come on, I know you like her, but I thought that deserved a little bit of a comment!!

    Not a fan of anyone in this house, but a huge fan of drama - with out Brendon and Rachel what the hell is this house going to do for fun? Who the hell is going to add any excitment, any drama?

    I honestly couldn't give two shits who wins this game, I just want it to be filled with drama - and so far, as much as R/B are hated, they are the only ones really playing the game.

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  14. Lala, you always make me smile; usually make me giggle; and sometime, I snort iced tea out of my nose. I haven't commented this season, but I'm reading every day. I hate this cast. They are boring and whiny, and there is not a single one of them that I want to see win $500,000. But when it comes to Rachel, my emotion may even surpass your own. She is a horrible waste of a human being, and I can NOT WAIT to see her ass head out the door. I am so grateful that Mr. O'Shaugnessy is still on assignment (or at this point, perhaps on the run or in protective custody) because the poor chap wouldn't survive the horror that is Rachel. Thanks for writing, your commentary is the only thing giving life to this season, at least for me!

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  15. Bunny, Ass Licker is the one and only Michele Noonan.

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  16. Ahhh I had a feeling. I was reading previous blogs, did she trash talk you or something? Ugh she was scum.

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  17. I couldn't believe they spoke about Regan's wind on live TV. Have some class.

    I never thought I'd say this but, "Brendan, grow a pair!" He's just being so pw'd. it's embarrassing.

    Speaking of embarrassing, Hayden's mother sounds as if she's got a bit of an Oedipal thing going.

    Thank goodness Matt says he's going to nominate B & R. If you only nominate one and try the dopey backdooring you fail, Matt! Remember? Nominate both & 1 goes home!

    I love how BBAD is showing Matt's hand in his pants. They actually start a close-up on it and go up and down his body.

    I couldn't stand Britney when she was w/Monet. Since Monet left, Britney is the most entertaining thing on the show. It began w/her goodbye message to Monet where she mocked Rachel and has just continued from there.

    "douchetastic" - I love that word!

    I agree that Ragan winning the saboteur vote is odd. I didn't vote as I didn't care, but Ragan is so sanctimonious I couldn't see him being a good saboteur if he even accepts.

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  18. in addition to your poster and book..you should also sell t-shirts with "douchetastic" on it...you will be a bazillionaire!
    ...terrific blog...i for one didnt really want matt to win hoh...i'm not sure who i wanted to win, but we need to mix this up....i'm with creme tangerine, put a live feed on you watching the feeds....now that would be entertaining, and feeds worth paying for! ...lala, you know people, get on it....mini webisodes....think about it!
    ...i would also like to know your opinion of jeff and jordan coming to bb....i am a fan of jeff/jordan (i know, i know, i lost all creditbilty in ur eyes, but i like him)....i dont know what they expect them to do, i dont think a stick of dynamite would get excitement out of these guys...but i would LOVE for jeff/jordan to get all over rachel/brenden and tell them off...not gonna happen, but i can dream, cant i?
    later, gator....thanks for the laughs....ur the best!

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  19. Wait a second. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why you keep saying Kristen played with Dignity... i mean she is a HO. She cheated on her boyfriend, and we all saw his reaction....and damn he was HOT too. Way hotter than Hayden. Why would she give up that HOT man over a little boy like Hayden. Not only is she a HO, but a stupid one at that! Played with Grace and Dignity? She was a straight up liar...."Why would we kiss in the room." HO, if you get caught admit it.Personally, I think she was playing Hayden. She is not a good friend either, and ya'll have heard her talk about how she "doesn't ask people about their feelings." SElfish anyone? She was Andrews friend and she straight up ignored him when he was on the block. She deserved to be put up on the block and I'm GLAD she was sent out. She was a total bitch

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  20. Does CBS actually interview these ppl for the show cause I have never seen such boring ppl ever, for the love of God where is an evil Dick, or my pool of hot lava so I can dip Rachele in it and see the evil demons released into the house to give the guests personalities. There is more action and interaction in a sunday morning bible classes. Was this years theme of big tits and arms really going to make ppl watch it? It seems as if everytime CBS comes up with a plan to make things interesting the house guest screw it up. Im investing all my money in tissue paper stocks cause the tears and snot bubbles are going to be flowing with B and R on the block. Cant wait to see the tyraid R will have when they send B home. Oh imagine if B is in the jury house and he is in there alone with someone else other than R. What would the evil jealous red hair devil wench do. I think we might have our first reality mass murder or suicide by alcohol. Oh plz CBS plz do something anything to make the show interesting.

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  21. I hated Briyney when she was bff's with Monet but since they've split he keeps me thoroughly entertained with her diary room sarcastic and animated comments!!!! I too wonder what will make the show even remotely interesting when the B/R drama ends....are we headed 4 a snoozefest? I've just started reading your blog Lala and you make BB even better!!! I too would love 2 see a feed of you watching the BB feeds!!! Thanks for the laughs and spot-on insight into BB!!!

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