Burble Burble

My feeds went a little haywire yesterday and instead of looking at it as something to bitch about, I'm going to wrap it up in a pretty bow and take myself a personal day. I'll be back tomorrow all rested and refreshed while probably only wearing glitter pasties. I don't want to leave you emptyhanded though so here are some photos of what I managed to capture before wonkiness ensued.




Shelly continued her war on grime by creating the first ever BB Swiffer. She wired some baby wipes to a broom and voila!



Cassi awoke on the grumpy side of the bed. Her glassy-eyed stare is full of vile loathing for Chrysler. She's had it up to HERE with Prius.



Cassi pulls Brendon into the Tarot Room where she explains her burning loathing for Saab. She worries that the Oldies are believing the shit she spews. Brendon tells her "Yeah, yeah, yeah" and that Jeep drives him up the wall all the time.








Rachel gets her HOH camera and whines when Cassi isn't feeling up to having her photo taken. And, OBVI, this means we'll getting a Rachel HOH blog sometime today. Heyyyyy! LULZ!! Woot Woot! *plucks out eyeballs and swallows them whole*




Jeff probably still hates gays.

And that's it. It looks like Keith will be going home tonight. My personal hope is that a Newbie (anyone but Shelly or Ford) wins HOH. I think it's about time we see the Oldies squirm and pucker up for some asskissing. Have a good one and I'll be back tomorrow.

Golden Boy No More

So I was down at the homophobic rant store yesterday and I picked up a little something for everyone. Once upon a time it was a glistening golden infallible beacon of hope. Now it's just a chipped tarnished fountain of hate. I hope you like it! Maybe you can put it up on your mantel and listen to it spew slurs during Christmas dinner. Or perhaps you could let little Jenny or Johnny take it to school for show-and-tell. It's never too early to teach your children the importance of blanket statement hatred. Fasten your seatbelts bitches, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Let's recap, shall we?



The day began with young love. Young, twisted, dysfunctional, creepy, masochistic love. Brendon and Rachel are sitting in the backyard doing that thing they do: he berates her, she whines, he berates her some more, she fake cries, he sucks the life out of her, she apologizes, searching tongues find slurpy happiness. It's gross. It's really really fucking gross. I don't know who this Brendon is or who this Rachel is, but they're not the Brendon and Rachel of yesteryear. Maybe they're pod people. Maybe it's a case of body snatching. I don't know what the hell is going on, but Rachel is merely a sliver of the loud, brash, confident person she used to be. She's a whiny insecure fraction of herself exhibiting the mannerisms of a woman who gets beat up emotionally on a daily basis. Witnessing what I'm witnessing and seeing her fumble to find some sense of self, I'm not the least bit surprised that she forgave Brendon his penis exposing indiscretions and began planning a wedding instead.

According to Brendon, everything Rachel does in this game is wrong. She drinks too much, she talks to the wrong people, she says inappropriate things, she's tarnishing their public image. It's an endless list of criticism and complaints from Brendon while Rachel simply eats it up with a spoon and apologizes while she does it. I've never particularly cared for Rachel, but I also never pegged her as a needy and insecure person. This girl was a beast last summer. She never questioned herself, she spoke her mind and she certainly never let that little bitch boy boss her around. Whatever has happened from last summer to this summer is downright scary. Rachel isn't the type of person I'd ever want to be friends with in real life, but I don't like to see any woman, no matter who she is, treated like shit by a man. Or... maybe I do?



In this particular fight, Brendon began by lecturing Rachel on the consequences of her drinking. He does that phony flippant thing where he says, "Well *shrugs shoulders* maybe it was a mistake to come here again. I only came here for you. Maybe I should just throw the HOH." It's a remark designed to make Rachel feel both guilty and angry. It's her fault they're there in the first place, it's her fault she's fucking things up and it'll be her fault if they lose the game. It's all kinds of disgusting - on both ends. Rachel is just as guilty as Brendon is. She's letting him manipulate her. She's allowing him to make her feel like shit. I don't know about you, but I turned up the volume on my headset and leaned in a little closer not wanting to miss a beat.



After Brendon threatens to throw the HOH, Rachel threatens to reveal something personal that they're dealing with at home. *bites fist* Brendon flares his nostrils, tells her not to "go there" and threatens her back with "You'll be making a big mistake." *daintily tips a toe into a bowl of glitter* After Brendon threatens to throw HOH yet again, Rachel replies, "You better not. It's not like you're good at them anyways." *dumps entire bowl of glitter onto head* Awesome. It's cringeworthy, it's yucky, it's creepy and, who am I kidding here, it's awesome. It's bursting with fruit flavor awesome. Last season I couldn't stomach these two going at it, but this season I'm riveted. The strange twisty dynamic, the threats hurled back and forth, the codependent dysfucntionality. I'm in. I'm so in. I want to lather up in it, make my skin all creamy and stick my face in the bubbles and blow.

When the fight finally ended in a tongue wrestling match, I was sad and depleted. I wanted them to start up again. I wanted Brendon to start from the beginning and accuse Rachel of stealing beers. I wanted Rachel to scrunch her face up and try to squeeze out tears. All at once I was horrified yet incredibly entertained. Is it possible that I actually like Brendon having the upperhand? The more I flesh this out and the more I compare them to BB12 Brenchel, the more I think I actually prefer the newly dysfunctional BB13 version. I'm going to hell aren't I? Oh well. It's not like heaven wants me. It's like that My Ruin quote, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over." *shrugs shoulders* Whatevs.



So the strangely delicious fight ends and the house's attention to some ridiculous stuffed turtle called Franklin. I've never mentioned Franklin before because, quite frankly, I couldn't be less interested. It's like women who talk in baby talk and cover their bed in stuffed animals. No offense, but I don't want to know you. I don't want to see your Edward Cullen sticker collection and I certainly don't want to meet your 200 cats. So you can imagine how horrified I was while watching the entire house plot and plan a court trial to find the missing (and hopefully disemboweled) turtle friend. They were gathering evidence, putting it in plastic bags, assigning counsel and practicing their opening remarks. As the grumpy juice runs thick through my veins, I switched off the feeds, put on some Mickey Avalon and went out for a run. "Let's get naked, shake your moneymaker, baby Imma show you how"



After hydrating with a jug of gin, I was ready to dive into the feeds again. And what do we have here? Another Brendon and Rachel spat! Hooray. So the Oldies are up in the HOH room discussing Datsun and how she follows Rachel around like a lost puppy. Rachel whines and says, "But I liiiiiike her. If you think she's ruining my game then maybe we should get rid of her." and then Brendon smacked Rachel across the face with a frying pan. No, not really. Instead he told her she's not allowed to talk to Isuzu unless someone else is with her. Daniele interjects and says that if Rachel decides to keep Keef then all she has to do is just say the word. Apparently, Daniele likes Keef as a person, but will do whatever Rachel wants her to do. Rachel hides under the covers, peers out occasionally and begins the self inflicted mental torture of who to evict. Rachel thinks Keef is nice too and she'd like him to have a fair shot in the game. Both Daniele and Brendon reacted to this with, "Keith has had more of a fair shot than any of us! We all have targets on our back!" Rachel moans a little more and then finally agrees with them. Even though everyone hates Subaru, the consensus is that they'll keep her in the game.



And now we arrive at what the BB world was all up in arms about last evening. It involves a Big Brother prince, a stand up Newbie and an innocent fairy tale character. The scene takes place in the HOH room where Jeff, Jordan, Kalia, Daniele, Brendon and Rachel are discussing books and authors. They begin discussing J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter. Kalia says that the character of Dumbledore, the head master, is gay. Jeff gasps and says that it's "perverted" to make that character gay. Kalia replies that it was probably meant as a teaching tool to instruct kids that being gay is ok. Jeff then launches into a hate filled tirade where 2+2=5 and Dumbledore would, naturally - because all gay men are pedophiles you know - want to fondle Harry Potter's balls. Kalia asks, "Gay men can't work with little kids?" and Jeff replies that it's "not right" and that kids shoudn't be sent away to a fantasy camp without their parents where the man in charge is gay. Kalia flat out doesn't understand his logic and tries to keep the conversation somewhat civil. She's not yelling. She's not angry. She's simply just trying to understand where Jeff is coming from. Jeff responds by accusing Kalia of being "PC" for TV and tells her to shut the fuck up. Kalia then informs Jeff that her little sister is gay. Jeff replies, "I don't fucking care if your sister is gay!"



Oh Jeff. Jeffy Weffy Jeff Jeff. I'll get to you in a second, bigot. First off, I'd like to applaud Kalia. I know I've given her a hard time over the past few days, but I'm glad she stood her ground. Not only am I angry at Jeff for the vile ignorance he so proudly spews, but I'm angry with the other people in the room as well. The people who sat idly by and didn't say a word: Rachel, Brendon, Daniele and Jordan. If I'm in a room with someone perpetuating intolerance, I speak up. It's just the type of person I am. Injustice makes me angry and when we bottle up our feelings about it we only perpetuate it.



Now, I see some people saying that Jeff is getting a bad rap and that a lot of us are blowing this out of proportion. My response to that is: fuck you. Fuck. You. This isn't the first time Jeff has spouted gay slurs and it certainly won't be his last. You're just pissed off that your Golden Boy isn't as perfect as you want him to be. Defending his behavior is defending his ideals and that makes you a bigot too. So go wrap yourselves up in your fluffy comforters of hate and continue to lie to yourselves about how flawless your Big Brother prince is. Ask yourselves why Jeff got angry no one backed him up. Ask yourselves why he got called into the DR all of a sudden and emerged with a scowl on his face. Ask yourselves why he abruptly decided to not participate in the big preplanned turtle trial. Ask yourselves. Go on. Do it. He did all of those things because he knows. He knows, Big Brother knows and the viewers know that one, Mr. Jeff Schroeder, is a homophobic bigot who needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut and his temper in check.

CBS won't air his rant. They'll keep him cloaked in a protective pod of light and goodness. Most of America won't ever know the intolerance that resides inside of Jeff. He'll get off again like he got off before when he attacked Russell and I wouldn't be surprised if he walks away with a fat check for America's Favorite. It's unfair and it's sad. He offended a lot of people last night and I think the second he gets out of the house you should let him know about it. Perhaps educate him. He's not a bright guy so maybe it all stems from some sort of stupidity and ignorance. I don't know. I don't know what would make someone explode so irrationally about a character in a children's book. All I know is I'm done with Jeff Schroeder.

And that's that. The HG's got a golf set to practice with and I was spent. It was a great live feed day with enough drama to keep me glued to the screen. I'm interested to see what Ragan has to say about it all on Rumor Control today. If you haven't gotten your feeds yet, now is the perfect time. You don't want to miss another day like yesterday. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Burning Embers

Good day Big Brother fans. Seen any good 8 minute long commercials lately? Yeah, me neither. A quitter is a quitter is a quitter. Moving on...

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't watch too much of the live feeds yesterday. This new cast is a giant festering pile of dogshit and I don't know if you've ever spent a lot of time watching a giant festering pile of dogshit, but it's not as fun as one might imagine it to be. However, there is one good thing that came out of my frustrations yesterday. I have found my anger center. Yoga practictioners try to awaken their kundalini, people from the Orient try to harness their Chi'i, but I, on the other hand, strive to ignite the glistening burning embers of my soul. If you heard a crackling popping noise yesterday, that was my anger center getting all fired up. What I bring you today isn't really a recap, it's more of a "I fucking hate these people!" ramble. Let's do it, shall we?

First things first, Rachel and Brendon kept the nominations the same and Keef and Dodge are still up for eviction.

I'm going to start today with Kalia. Kalia hails from a land called Suckfest. In Suckfest, not only is openly belching into another person's face considered commonplace, it's encouraged. One could be having a conversation with Kalia about their uncle dying a slow and painful death from pancreatic cancer and homegirl would open her giant trap and release a gutteral rumbling so loud and noxious it would make your eyes water and the tiny hairs inside your nose sizzle. Kalia once compared herself to Carrie Bradshaw. First off, sitting in a coffee shop writing blogs doesn't make you a successful author with people pining to be you. If it did, I'd be Stephen King sitting around one of my country estates wondering how to spend my millions. Instead I'm sitting here with my laptop resting on my knees as I soak my feet in my bathtub full of gin. Kalia also told us she'd be fierce and unafraid to speak her mind. I ask you dear readers, how fierce is this?




I expected sass. I expected irrational anger. All I got was a stray homeless woman trying to keep warm against the temperate climate of California.



And, let's be honest here, would Carrie Bradshaw ever allow herself to look like this. She's a brick... HOUSE!



If Miss Sophia from The Color Purple wore a hot pink bikini, she'd look like the above photo. Kalia sucks. The valley girl voice, the quiet contentment, the insecurity around the Oldies... it all adds up to a slot taken up by someone I don't want to spend my summer watching. At least Chima spoke her mind. Sure, she looked like a Bratz doll on crack and acted like an insufferable prima donna, but she was honest and fiery and gave me something to talk about. Kalia gives me nothing. The "wait and see" strategy she's using may make sense in her mind, but it makes my ass twitch. Kalia is a beige wall. A plastic fern in a doctor's office. She's a bran flake. A grape nut. She's a saltine stuck on the roof of your mouth the day all the Earth's water evaporated into thin air. I tried to like you Kalia, but I just can't. If you change my mind, I'll happily give you credit. Until then, go crawl back under your homeless lady blanket and stop wasting my time.




Next up in today's tongue lashing is Shelly/Babs. I gave Babs a pass because the softball coach/Harley riding thing was funny in the beginning. The southern accent coupled with the Holly Hunter talking out of the side of the mouth thing was endearing at first, but now it's just making my brain bleed. Instead of forming alliances amongst the Newbies to take down the Oldies, she's got her tongue up Jeff's ass and is perfectly content letting the game float right by her. Shelly's main contribution to this summer of horrors is her war on grime. Whether it be a drop of iced tea, a caked on piece of slop or years of hard water stains on a mean piece of tile grout, Shelly will attack that bitch with all guns blazing. She's armed with her broom, a wad of steel wool and two Swiffers in her belt loops. I dare you dirt. I dare you to show your ugly face when Shelly enters the room. Not even a festive drinking game of "I Never" can deter Shelly's focus. If Swiffer had an Olympic competition, Shelly would be the champion of the world. Until then, she's the Big Brother housekeeper. Plain and simple.



Next on my list of shitty shitfaces is Adam, the man who thinks a primal scream makes interesting television viewing. Throaty, grumbling and burly, if Adam really aspired to be like that quitter I will no longer name, then why isn't he gathering the Newbies to orchestrate a gigantic upset to oust the Oldies? Instead he's standing in the middle of the lawn spinning the douchey top that he is.

This brings me to Cassi. I actually like Cassi and she's playing the game all of the Newbies should be playing. She's working on a way to split up Rachel & Brendon and Jeff & Jordan. The problem is that her useless squishy turdface cohorts are traitors who run and tell the Oldies everything she's planning. Late last night the Swiffer Champ Of America ran up to the HOH and told Rachel of Cassi's plan to split up the Oldies. She also spilled that Lawon wants to keep Keef in the house as well. After a long night of fitful sleeping I'm beginning to wonder myself if keeping Keef is the way to go. If somewhere down the line it protects Cassi and Lawon, I'm ok with it. The problem is that Keef is the most untrustworthy player in the game and he uh uh uh d-d-d-drives me uh uh uh insane. He shouldn't have turned on Lawon like he did the other day - especially after what we saw last night on CBS. But the more I think about it, the more I think keeping Toyota Corolla in the game is a bad idea. She's strong in competitions, but lacking in brain power which makes her not an obvious threat, but someone who could very easily sneak by and find herself in the final four.


Another person who'll sneak right by to the end is Jordan. Lazy, ineffectual, cupcake sprinkles for brains Jordan. Here's what's going to happen: Jeff and Jordan will go on the block at some point and Jeff, who's clearly the stronger player, will be the obvious target. Jordan couldn't win a competition if it sat on her face and squirted out cookie dough. Already the Oldies are planning to throw comps to the poor girl and that's why I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this blonde joke to the sanctity of Big Brother walks away with another $500,000. Think about it. The second Rachel gets on that block and is unable to get herself off, she's toast. As much as I love to hate on Rachel, the girl is a fierce competitor. The only reason I'm tolerating her so far this season is because of the glaring blackhole of nothingness I'm seeing in almost all of the other players. Rachel is jealous, insecure, annoying, vomit inducing and all the rest of it, but she loves herself some Big Brother. In comparison to the lifeless blob that is Jordan, even I can have a droplet of respect for Rachel.



As for Lawon, I still like him as a person. I just don't know if he's really the sleeper I made him out to be. He's the one speck of glitter in this drabby poop colored room that is Big Brother 13 and I just can't not like him. He makes me smile, he's honest and I want him to be my pageant coach if I ever enter the Miss Bitch Of America pageant. So, stick around Lawon. I want to have my first Mint Julep with you while we talk about if there really is a thing as too many rhinestones on a shirt.

That's all I got today folks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you checked out Famous Food last night or want to watch Jordan beach herself to another victory, click on the link below and get yourselves some feeds dammit.

It's Stammertime!

What a difference a day makes? When the day before yesterday all we had to work with was Brenchel counting the blades of grass and Jordan morphing into a pillow sham, yesterday blessed us with a hotbed of activity. Keef (that's Keith's new name) done lost his e'erluvin' mind while Dum Dom (that's Dominic) is going around the house thinking he's a BB legend even though he's only been playing the game (and I use "playing the game" very loosely) for about a week. The whispers creeped out from the beneath the floorboards. The hushes hid underneath the beds. But oh the stammers. The sta-sta a'sta-sta,-stam it on the one, sta-sta-stam wich yo bad self, a'sta-sta... It's Stammertime! Let's a re-re-recap, a sha-sha-shall we?

We begin our beautious BB day with Keef setting his sights on a new target: Lawon. Kapow! (Kapows just naturally follow Lawon wherever he goes) Keef's mission is to get his own ass off the block and offer up Lawon's as a replacement. Now, I know I've been sleeping a lot throughout most of the season, but I'm not exactly sure where Keef's anger for Lawon stems from. Kalia thinks it's because Keef wants to be the "The Token". As in, the token black man whereas Lawon thinks that Crocs make completely suitable daytime footwear (they don't). Whatever the reason is really doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's stammertime and Keef is a kerfluffle of spittle and mooshmouth. When he gets going, grab a slicker. You're gonna need it.

So Lawon is sitting outside on the hammock minding his own business when Dum Dom skips over and asks him what he thinks about this week's vote. It's already taken care of as far as Lawon is concerned. Way back on day one or so, Lawon shook Keith's hand and that was all it took. Lawon, come hell or high water, come backstabbing or bus rolling, absolutely will not vote out Keith this week. A hand shake is gold to one Mr. Lawon Exum. A hand shake separates the fabulous from the not so fabulous. Lawon - kapow! - I love you babydoll, but you're doing exactly what Jameeka did back in BB8 to Jen Johnson. You need to learn the famous saying by Benjamin Franklin: "Handshake shmamshake."

Meanwhile Keef has begun his "Lawon is the devil" publicity tour and he's hitting up all the big players with his "homina homina's" and his "uh uh uh's." It would take an eternity for me to transcribe it all and, in all honesty, I'm actually considering banning Keef from my feeds - I can't take it anymore! The spit, the gums flapping, the quivering hands and the shifty eyes - I just can't do it. Basically, all you need to know is Keef wants his ass off the block and Lawon's on and he'll do anything and say anything he has to in order to make that happen.





So while Keef is busy trying to make Lawon look bad, Dum Dom is on a very different sort of crusade. He wants to talk a little shop with the oldies. Jeff, Jordan and Brendon are all chilling at the pool when up saunters Dominic with his Target t-shirt, his faux Ray-Ban's and his little cubic zirconia adorning his ears. He begins with what I like to call some "softball questions". It goes something like this, "Who do you think is the biggest threat on our side? You know you're all targets, right? Why would I want to team up with you while you're all targets? Can you teach me how to play Big Brother?" Seriously, if you didn't see it, flashback that bitch (around 1:30 BBT Sat.) because the awkward cocky defiance coupled with the reactions from the oldies is worth it's weight in gold. Dominic isn't a dumb guy in that he's figuring out that BB is a numbers game, but he's a fucking idiot when it comes to feeling out his opponents and coming up with some sort of social game. Watching it I had a reaction very similar to how I would suspect Boston Rob would react. It went something like, "Use the POV. Get Dom out. Stat." You just can't let some kid saunter up to you, call you a target and then walk away. How much clearer can his agenda get? Even Brendon said, "Do you even hear what you're saying?"

After Dum Dom plowed through the backyard he headed inside to steal a word or two with Daniele. Get this - he wants Daniele to vote to keep Keef in the house so Keef remains a target. Daniele immediately objects knowing that having Keef wandering around safe for the next 4 weeks is a bad idea for everyone. Then... THEN Dom says that wouldn't it be better for Daniele if the couples (Rachel/Brendon & Jeff/Jordan) were split. *clutches pearls* Who is this kid? Either he has gigantic rhinocerous balls or tiny little snowflakes for brains. Daniele didn't really give Dom a response and yes, in the future, it would serve her well to have the couples split, but right now, while she's safe yet still essentially powerless, she can't go into the final 8 surrounded by mostly newbies. She needs to have some oldies to back her up and since Rachel and Brendon are much bigger targets than Daniele, they serve as a decent buffer.

Up in the HOH room Jeff proposes to the other oldies that they bring in another team they can trust. He submits they open their arthritic arms to Cassi and Shelly. He spoke with Cassi earlier and discovered that she is not in an alliance with Dum Dom and is in fact pretty cool and smart. The crew already likes Shelly so this acquisition of a newbie duo makes sense. They bring Shelly upstairs, show her the secret handshake (it's a lot of fist pumping mixed in with a pimple cream applying mime) and it's a done deal. Shelly and Cassi are now in an alliance with the oldies.

Shelly leaves and Rachel suggests they have a house meeting to settle the Keef/Lawon thing once and for all. Daniele calls house meetings, like everything else in life, "stupid", but Brendon and Rachel are hellbent on figuring out if any of Keef's stammers hold any truth. Apparently, he's saying that Lawon said Jeff & Jordan laughed when Dick left, told everyone Keef wasn't really a matchmaker and said that Kalia didn't have Keef's best interest in heart. To be honest, it's all petty bullshit. It's just the stammerings of a desperate and very annoying young man. Here's my thoughts on Keef: I take one look at him doing his arm raising, spitting, stammering routine and I know he's lying. And if he's not lying then he's certainly not coming from a place of happiness. He's a creepy Christian with nothing but pussy on his mind. It's disturbing. Hey, I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and believe me, it's always the pastors or deacons who seduce the women in the congregation. On Investigation Discovery they usually kill the women too, but I don't think we're quite there yet with Keef. Right now the lad just wants a piece of ass, lily white ass.


So, the stage is set. Brendon and Rachel needle Keef into confronting Lawon in the backyard. It went something like this, "Uh uh uh ummm you uh uh uh LIAR!" Lawon sat there confused at first and then it dawned on him real quick what Keef was doing to him. It was awkward and kind of painful to watch. Lawon denied all the fake allegations and openly admitted to the real ones Keef had completely blown out of proportion while Rachel and Brendon sat in stony silence quite pleased with themselves. That smug bitchassness wouldn't last long though because the very public mockery those two chose to make of it all sent my precious pony, Lawon, running inside and crying. The sky got cloudy, unicorns impaled themselves, fairies fell from the sky one by one and a fabulicious black man cried his little heart out.

Lawon doesn't lie. He doesn't roll like that. That's not how he wants to play the game. That's not his bag, ya hear? Don't you EVER accuse Lawon of spreading falsities across this great land of hours. Because you know what you'll get? You'll get a handsomfied, lovified, pimpified chocolate morsel of deliciousness ready to treat the world like it's his own catwalk. That's what you'll get people. Werd. *snap snap snap* Kapow! Oh, and that handshake thing from earlier? Well, Lawon listened to my good friend Benjamin Franklin and it's null and void bitches. Null and void. Kapow again!

Whoosh. Splat. Kerplunk! This all brings us to BBAD where a superhero production is playing out. Dum Dom is Dominus (I'm completely offended that he probably got the idea for the name from Spartacus - that's my show dammit) and Brendon is some sort of caped crusader. It was merry and fun with Lawon narrating and Cassi providing the soundtrack. The turtle Franklin needed saving and hijinks ensued. There were bloopers, stunts and a rump shakin' booty dance. Most of the house served as the audience, but Keef chose to grumble to himself on the hammock instead.

Adam joins Keef in Hammock Land and the two begin to discuss the days events. Adam is adamant (Ha!) that Keef needs to shut the fuck up and stop stirring the pot. Keef's ever so eloquent response is "uh um uh bu-bu-but I'm tryin' t-t-t-t-to save myself." Adam growls, takes a drag of his cig and replies, "But you're only making the target on yourself bigger." Keef retorts, "I-I-I-I'm what?!?" It's insufferable. Truly it is. I take back what I said earlier about getting Dom out now. Keef needs to go. He's no real threat or anything but he's driving ME batshit crazy. Allow me to illustrate exactly how batshit crazy he makes me. This should put it all into perspective. I'd rather watch Rachel and Brendon fight, cry and make up for the rest of the summer than watch Keef hold a conversation for 30 seconds. I've got hot pokers and shish kabob spears on permanent stand by. I HATE KEEF!

For this next segment I think I'll just stick my head into a burlap sack of rabid foot long rats and try to type. Dum Dom and Keef are in the Star Wars Room where Keef has decided that he has the entire game completely figured out. This rocket scientist is uh uh uh absolutely certain that his uh-uh buddy Dom and Cassi are uh-uh in with the oldies. Dom says, "Absolutely not. I've been 100% honest with you. I've told you this from day one. I'm voting for Porsche." Keef's tongue swallows his whole head and he says, "You-you-you aligned with them and made a deal a-a-a-a-uh-uh fine lily white ass, you lyin'!" Essentially here's what happened: Keef saw Dom playing with Brendon outside and now he thinks Dom is in an alliance with the oldies. He couldn't be more wrong as the oldies don't trust Dom in the least bit. Dom, as a matter of fact, is on their short list of who to get out of the house. It's almost comical how wrong Keef is. Somehow he's managed to not only piss off all of his adversaries, but he's managed to alienate his friends too. It takes a very skillfully ignorant mouthbreather to pull that off. Congratulations Keef. You win my Mouth Breather Of The Day award.

The rest of the night was a lot of chitchat about food, dating, smoking, etc. There was one little tasty nugget though. Jordan revealed that Dick called Jeff after finding out he was returning to the show. Can you say "cheater"? Speaking of Dick, he'll be making a statement today about what went down. My guess is that it all has to do with Daniele. I think he realized that the house wasn't making their relationship any better and out of some sort of latent fatherly obligation, he left. I think it was probably emotional and I'm going to predict we see tears from the DR next Wednesday. If I'm right, I wonder if he got his full paycheck. Returning HG's get a lot more than the $750 a week my friends. I'm predicting Dick gets a decent edit, emerges as the damaged dutiful father and the relationship he's trying so hard to mend will never really amount to much. Daniele is cold. Very cold. I don't know what goes on between these two or what went on in the past, but I don't think quitting Big Brother is enough to mend it. That's just my two cents. I guess we'll see how it all plays out soon enough. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It looks like the game is officially on. Yesterday was one of those live feed days you hope for. Don't miss out on all the uh-uh-uh madness. Try the free trial and check it out for yourselves! ALSO, Famous Food behind the scenes footage is coming tomorrow (I think) to Superpass. The show premieres tonight on VH-1. I don't know about you, but I miss Daniele Staub. The Real Housewives of New Jersey just isn't the same without her.

A Whole Lotta Kissassness

After a night fraught with mystery over the willing departure of a man who looks like he never showers, Big Brother 13 is off to a somewhat slow start. The BB train is chugging and sputtering up that hill of fruity backstabbing deliciousness, but it keeps getting its wheels stuck on the tracks littered with the corpses of houseguests past. Lydia's thigh bone, Kevin's skull, Ronnie's kneecap, Ass Licker's... wait for it... TAILBONE are all cluttering up the path to BB13 greatness. You see, in my opinion, BB11 was the last great season. Those hot messes were tearing at each other's throats before they even bothered to unpack their toiletries. The house divisions were made nice and early, strategy was talked about day and night and they all had a enough screws loose to merit a healthy dose of halcion with a twist of lithium. I loved those bitches and I think of them fondly whenever the feeds go four or five hours without a tantrum or a drive-by "bipolar tranny!" insult. Keith is showing signs of buckeling under the pressure and Porsche is definitely the future poster girl for the "This is the face of insecurity" campaign you'll see on the subway come Fall 2011, but can they deliver? Can they bring us to the fist biting "Oh no she di-in't!" moments we all pine fore? We'll just have to wait and see. Let's recap, shall we?

I'd like to begin today talking about Rachel. I know, I know, I can hear your groans loud and clear, but here's the thing - this isn't the Rachel of yesteryear. This is Rachel 2.0. That's not to say she's "improved" or "better". She's just "different". The wardrobe you might find in an abandoned storage unit is still the same, but the pasty person stuck inside is Rachel Part Deux. Her hair is a little longer. She's freshly botoxed. That competitive air that just naturally surrounds her is thick and smoky, but there's a problem. Rachel is suddenly and very annoyingly hyper aware of what the cameras are seeing. She's pausing to find the appropriate words. She's biting her tongue. She's regretting things she said in the Diary Room minutes after she's said them. I don't know if someone on the outside gave her a pep talk full of shit like, "You can win back America!" or what, but I know I don't like what I'm seeing now. Rachel's one redeeming quality is that she brought drama. Sure, she did it in an awful and repugnant way, but she brought it. I'm woman enough to admit that last season went downhill the second she left the house. Let's face it, the Ragan/Rachel ooey gooey cookie fight never would've happened had Rachel not been a complete asshole from the underbelly of hell. Laughing at her psycho devil stares was part of the fun. Unless the conversation is strictly about game, she's fidgety, awkward and relying on Brendon to make her feel worthwhile.



Watching Brendon and Rachel this time around is like watching a couple of camp counselors. They love reminiscing about the old days while, at the same time, organizing group activities to keep everyone out of trouble. Camp Killjoy's philosophy is to keep the returning five HG's together and win back America's hearts while doing it. I wanted Rachel and Brendon hurling throwing stars at Jeff and Jordan. My fantasy was Jeff would get called to the Diary Room and then Rachel would descend on Jordan like a hungry zombie. Instead I'm stuck with what's tantamount to sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows. Rachel spends her time avoiding confrontation while Jordan is satisfied beaching herself on a bed and never moving for 8 1/2 hours. I hope, dear lord baby jesus, hope with every fiber of my being that this is just a merry facade that will soon crumble and implode because I'll tell you what: I think "Nice Rachel" is worse than "Hosebeast Rachel". And yes, lest a rumor fester into fact, I'll take Rachel over Jordan any day of the week. The visceral reaction I find myself having to Jordan this season is shockingly up there with how I feel about Ass Licker. Weird, huh?

Daniele is a different animal entirely. Her father's sudden and mysterious departure has given her a pass for the month yet somehow, she's mad about that. She feels useless. She's like a balloon with no air, a ball without it's bounce, a whine without purpose. She says, "I'm good for nothing for the next month." Bitch, you just leapfrogged the embarassing first 4 evictions! Just watch, study, learn, vote wisely and prepare to make your triumphant return to the competition portion of the game when the time comes. You have what all the other players want. Only you, Queen Sourpuss, could be annoyed by that. Let's face it, whether Dick stayed or whether Dick left, Daniele would've found a way to have been pissed off by her surroundings regardless. She's one of those people who is just inherently annoyed by everything.


Early in the day Keith approached Daniele in the Storage Room and gave her one of his fillbertygibbet herky jerky pep talks. "You, uh uh uh, you just need to homina homina know that you're um, uh uh uh, a killer at this game. You'll uh, fine ass, see how um uh I meka leka hi meka hiney ho said good things about you in my um uh uh diary room sessions." Both Daniele and myself had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I think in his mind he was buttering her up, but it all just came across as very kiss assy. I assure you that if I'm not falling for it, then neither is Daniele. Anyhow, Keith goes on to say that he's worried about the returning HG's having all the numbers in the game. Let's review that, shall we? There are 5 returning HG's and 8 new HG's. Which one has more numbers? Exactly. Next, Keith goes on to say that Porsche is extremely disloyal and that none of the returning HG's should trust her. Daniele sort of blows him off and tells him to talk to Rachel and maybe he can strike a deal. More "homina homina's" and - scene!


Since kissassness is the theme of the day, it's Shelly's turn to do a little puckering. It appears as if Rachel had at one point considered quitting the game. Yeah right. And I'm a kind hearted charitable person who loves her fellow man. *makes a 'W' with her fingers* What-ever! Rachel wouldn't quit Big Brother if he sat at a computer and skyped his penis to all the girls in the land. I don't know if she was having a brief moment of insecurity or what, but it was enough to make Shelly want to bend over and smooch. So again we head to the Storage Room for another fucking pep talk - you realize the ridiculousness of all this, don't you? - a pep talk from a newbie to an oldie is RIDONKULOUS. Don't fucking peptalk them! Gather your troops and pick 'em off one by one. What's going on in the house right now is very similar to a Survivor merge. Just stick with your tribe and do what you came on the show to do. But noooo, Rachel is a big scary red headed harlot and all the people who so vehemently hated her in their pre-show interviews are now scared to say "boo" whenever she's around.

So here's Shelly in her Tuffskins with a tool belt hanging off her hips looking to bring some serenity to the red-headed giant. According to Shelly (who I'm very close to renaming "Babs" - I think every tough lesbian with a Harley should be called Babs), she'd very much like to see Rachel and Brendon get what they came for this summer. She wants them to win oodles of cash and all sorts of luxurious vacations to put toward their wedding. Look Babs, you don't go on Big Brother to see the other person win things. You go on Big Brother so you win things. Wouldn't you like a new tool set hon? Every gal needs a new monkey wrench now and then. The ladies down at the motorcycle club need a new karaoke machine and I'm pretty sure they're counting on you to finance it. Look, Shelly's not a bad person. She's just not seeing the big picture right now. In her mind, it's easier to pledge allegiance to Rachel then have her get all riled up and spewing fire everywhere. Rachel is like a dormant dragon. One of these days, she's going to discover that she indeed has the power to breathe fire and the whole house will turn into a pile of ash with only a wild-eyed scarlet haired behemoth left to wander the rubble. Angering a dragon is tricky business, but then again so is befriending one.

After the houseguests have had their breakfasts and brushed their teeth Rachel, Brendon and Daniele head on up to the HOH room to talk a little game. The plan is that if one of them win POV, then Keith will be going home. Porsche is a hot mess, but Keith is a hotter mess whose sleazy gaming/flirty is not only transparent, but creepy. Best to get rid of him now and be done with it. In this little meeting Brendon also reveals that he doesn't care too much for Lawon. He doesn't know if Lawon is trustworthy or not. To that I say, kapow! Bam! Beautiful people, love it! Lawon is just a slow starter much like Kevin was. If you'll remember back in BB11 it took a while for Kevin to really sink his teeth and start playing. Since Lawon makes me laugh, I'm going to allow him the same grace period I allowed Kevin.

Speaking of Lawon, downstairs, where the nongamers reside, a little contest is taking place. It appears as if everyone wants Lawon to be the one to host most of the challenges. Well, douchey Dominic isn't having it. He wants to host the competitions as well and thus begins a good-natured "host-off". Think of it as a dance-off for hosting. With Jeff and Jordan as the judges, the two men throw opening statements for imaginary competitions back and forth at one another. The funny thing is Lawon is really bad at it. The one everyone pegged the winner kept forgetting half of his intro and flubbing all his lines. To me it was a little bit of a chink in the armor. One of the things I loved about Lawon in the first place was all of the promises he made before the game started. He'd be gay if they wanted him gay. He'd be straight if they wanted him straight. But, most importantly, he'd be fabulous. On a fabulosity scale of 0-100%, Lawon is maintaining around a solid 12%. Those are some disappointing figures, but, like I said, I'll give him a few more weeks.

Now, news of the host-off may not seem important, but let's look a little deeper. Who did I say the judges were? Jeff and Jordan, right. While the old HG's were upstairs going over who they can or can't trust and who's the best person to evict, Jordan was firmly affixed to her mattress like she's Big Edie Beale or something. I half expected a gaggle of cats to take up residence on her lap while she leaned over and cooked corn on a hot plate. You can love Jordan all you want, but homegirl is not playing the game just like she's NEVER played this game. People always ask me why I dislike Jordan so much and I'd end up writing War and Peace if I really took the time to list all the reasons, but the main reason is she doesn't play, she never tries, she relies on others to play for her and she won her season, for the most part, because of luck. All you have to do is look at Jordan's face to know that she has no desire to be in the house right now. Quite frankly, it's an insult. Just take a look at Twitter. Look at all the old HG's dying to get into that house while there sits fucking Jordan on her ass contributing nothing. It's infuriating to watch. It really is. She's only there for Jeff and if you think otherwise you need to check yourself into your local mental health facility as soon as possible. Jordan is a waste of space who has no business playing the game with the likes of Rachel and Brendon. More on this later.


Fast forward a few hours and we find Porsche crying and yelling at Keith. You see, Porsche found out that Keith has been avidly campaigning against her to the other HG's and is thinking of throwing the POV competition in an effort to ensure that Porsche goes home all the while wanting to do the hibbidy gibbidy with her. Keith, just like I said from the very beginning, is an idiot. Throwing a competition this early in the game and essentially handing Rachel & Brendon all the power in the world is beyond stupid. Keith & Porsche should be fighting with everything inside of them to get their asses off the block. There is entirely way too much time between now and next Thursday for a number of things to wrong - mainly, Keith doing/saying something inapporopriate or ignorant to any number of people in the house.


The fight ends with Porsche refusing to forgive Keith. She pretty much says, "I don't like you! I don't want to be friends with you!" and then she scurries up to the HOH and announces, "I should totally an Oscar for what I just did." She tells Rachel & Brendon how she cried and how now the house all feels sorry for her. I know I was half asleep when I was watching this unfold, but I just don't understand Porsche. First off, like I said earlier, why is she catering to the oldies? She should be building alliances with the newbies and thinking of a team to replace her on the block when she goes out and wins that POV. Instead she's absolutely certain that she's safe and, get this, she plans on throwing the POV as well. *throws hands up in the air* What is wrong with these people?! Who does that? Porsche is just an unlikable as Keith and runs the risk of something happening between now and next Thursday that'll put her safety in jeapordy. If these two don't win the POV, either one can go home. It's simply too early for anyone to make any promises that'll stick.

And this brings us to the POV competition. Rachel/Brendon, Jeff/Jordan and Porsche/Keith are the players. From what I can gather, it sounds like it was a puzzle type of game where the competitors were flying in the air. Part of it involved placing bricks and the brilliance that is Jordan decided to place her bricks in an up and down fashion. When Jeff informed her that bricks go horizontally, Jordan sprinkled some salt on his head and ate him. You see, pretty princess Jordan is on her period right now and not only does that scare the living daylights out of Jeff, but it makes her eat anything within her peripheral vision. In the end, probably since Keith and Porsche threw that shit, Rachel & Brendon won POV.

Immediately after the POV, Rachel, Brendon and Jeff were in the HOH room recapping the comp and going over how the POV ceremony will play out. Actually, let me rephrase that. Rachel & Brendon were planning and plotting while Jeff sat there glassy eyed and stunned at just how hardcore these two are. Without a break or a pause for dinner, Brenchel went right to work going over what the next HOH competition could be, what measurements it could entail, how 5ml translates into gallons and what the velocity is when a houseguest in motion stays in motion. I won't lie. It was intense. Those two NEVER stop. All they do is study and speculate and plan and maneuver. It's exhausting watching them. The look on Jeff's face said it all. His inner monologue must have been something like, "Oh shit, are these two for real? Jordan won't understand what milliliters means! I'm fucked."

Eventually, Jeff left the room - probably before his brain started smoking - but Brenchel kept going! It doesn't matter who said what. All you need to know is that this is what it sounded like: (read it out loud and extremely fast for the full effect) "We need to get Jordan to win the next HOH that way we can still compete and have Jeff on our side. You want some tacos baby? No baby I'm OK. If we throw HOH to Jordan then we can nominate who we want but I don't feel comfortable relying on Jeff and Jordan to win a POV if we end up on the block. I'm going to take a shower. How many milliliters are there in a shower? We should figure that out. Yeah, we should figure it out. You take a shower and count and I'll stand out here and do some Tae Bo. After we're done we can count the amount of threads in the carpet and then I think you should divide the number of hairs on my head by the number of hairs on your head. I'll bet that number will come up at some point in a future competition. Speaking of future competitions, I think they'll do the one where we have to guess the amount of things. That's probably in week 3. I wonder if Jordan knows how to count. I don't know. Are you sure you don't want any tacos baby? Ok I'll have a bite of yours. Let's give Jordan counting classes. How many drops of water in that glass? I don't now. Let's count. I'll go get an eye dropper!" Exhausting. Simply exhausting. I guess I can admire their drive, but fuck me! They're too intense. It creeps me out.

I'm so sorry sorry sorry, but I have to end this here. Something personal came up and I've got to take care of it. I swear by Monday/Tuesday I'll have a much more normal schedule. Please check onlinebigbrother.com for any of the overnight stuff I missed. I watched most of BBAD, but I didn't really catch anything too noteworthy other than that godawful "Would you rather?" game. Port-a-potty liquids or a bloody juicy tampon, come on! It makes me all gaggy just typing it. Anyhow, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Keith: Keeping His Pimp Hand Strong

Keith is a 32 year old Human Resources Manager from Bolingbrook, Illinois and he is going to get on my every last nerve. He's a bit of a stammerer and it's kind of unnerving to listen to. "I'm a uh uh uh H.R. professional and umm uh uh I can I can I can I can read people very well and a homina homina homina Evel Dick." Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho.




As a religious man (Oh Christ!), Keith has no intentions of calling people out or talking badly about his fellow Houseguests. He won't be saying words like "shitdick", "cuntrag" or "festerpussy". His Christianity guides him and there's definitely a line drawn in the sand (probably the same sand with those silly footprints in it), but he'll still play the game and backstab. He'll just do it in a "different kind of way". How else do you backstab? Knife. Back. Stab. Hmmm, I'll go down to my laboratory and try to figure out a new way to backstab. I'll get back to you later with the results.

This devout Christian not only plans to bring his bible with him, but he plans on doing the hibbidy gibbidy with a lady friend or two - a WHITE lady friend or two. Bowm chicka wow wow. Yup, Keith's got jungle fever - blonde, brunette, he loves 'em all. No offense, but he's like the last person I want to see dipping his dipstick. I know a lot of Big Brother fans hate the showmances, but I'm all for the random slutty hook ups. I'm just not for Keith's random slutty hook ups. I'm going to call it right now - Keith will be hardcore all over Cassi which makes my hope that Cassi is a lesbian all the more delicious.

Absolutely nothing (other than a tasty piece of white ass) will ever make Keith stray from his religion. Both Ollie and Jameeka were weak. Weak! They gave into the devil and started cursing when put into high pressure situations. Keith isn't like that. Instead he'll just dip his dong into the closest blue-eyed blonde he can find. At least it's not cursing!

Keith isn't only about religion. Oh no sonny jim. Keith has his entire stay in the house all mapped out already. When he's not rubbing his skin against a luscious white girl, he'll be winning competitions, assembling alliances and making his select group of ladies ("Keith's Angels") do all the work for him. He'll have a harem of three who will work the rooms of the Big Brother house at night and then bring all the info they've acquired to Keith the next day. Now, I'm not a genius or anything, but that sounds a lot like what a pimp does. I just hope he does it while wearing platform shoes, bell bottoms and a large brimmed hat with a feather sticking out the top. If your strategy is to keep your pimp hand strong, you might as well go all out. Why the hell not?

Let's drink some Courvoisier and check out his CBS video, shall we?

So, what do we think of the religious fornicator? Personally, I'm not the least bit impressed. I'd like him out sooner than later. Comment it out and let me know your thoughts.

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