Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm Not Gonna Be Ignored, Amber!

Love. It's fickle. It's prickly. It tears at your heart and bedazzles your jeans. And sometimes, sometimes, it doesn't even exist at all. You attempt to look at it and touch it and smell it, but it's just not there. You squint your eyes and try to force it to materialize, but love does what love wants, not what you want it to do. She's a headstrong force that marches to her own drummer, that love. Try to interrupt her staccato thumps and the beat goes out of tune. It gets jumbled and confused, like an opening of Homeland. Its cohesiveness melts and gels and lumps and coagulates into a festering globule of yearning. Unrequited yearning with Aqua Velva top notes and sweaty desperate base notes. You have to let love make all the choices. If she flies away to the nearest police station to file a restraining order, let her go. Let her go. Let's recap shall we?

Let's get all the morning stuff out of the way quickly because the night... well, it belongs to lovers. Ok so Saturday night, Diva (Devin) and Brittany had a ridiculous conversation about bedsheets and lotion and what a saint Diva thinks he is. Brittany wanted to mend fences with Diva, but it was Diva's daughter's birthday which is high holy holiday in some parts of the country. Long story short, Diva is a psycho and it is absolutely impossible to reason with him because he's always right. Always.

So Sunday morning, Diva, who, if you'll remember, swore he'd never talk about the game anymore because it takes way too much out of him and makes him all emotional, recaps the bedsheets and lotion conversation to Frankie... again. Basically, Diva wants Frankie and the rest of his boy band to remind everyone in the house what a teddy bear Diva is on the inside. Frankie, however, wants to stay out of it. He tells Diva that he thinks it's best not to stir shit up again and that he'd rather stay out of the bedsheets and lotion drama. Diva then turns to him and whines, "But your'e already in it!"

Frankie advises Diva to cool it for a bit because he's worried that Diva will now be a target in the house. (Side Note: After last night's episode, how could Diva not be a target... of his own alliance?!) Diva clearly doesn't like hearing this and reminds Frankie how he has loaned his sweatshirts to everyone. Everyone! Sweatshirts! I don't know if you're aware, but down in Texas where Diva is from loaning out a sweatshirt you're not even using is the first step in canonization.

Meanwhile, Creepy Caleb is upstairs puttin' on his POV Ceremony duds (no shirt, skinny jeans, beanie) when he comments, "My old lady is lookin' good this mornin'!" If you've been following the drama of The Bold & The Nutty As A Fruitcake, Caleb is referring to Amber. He has claimed her as his own and fantasizes daily about possessing her. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but... BOXING HELENA.

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The Live Feeds then go down for the POV Ceremony and, no surprises here, Joey has been put on the block as Donny's replacement. When the feeds return, everyone is hugging it out and the atmosphere is surprisingly calm. Caleb keeps up his story that the house insisted Joey go on the block and Joey tells him, "No hard feelings." Payola (Paola), however, is nervous. She thinks Joey might pull something out of her ass and end up staying in the house, but everyone from Caleb to Donny has been advising Payola to lay low, be quiet, and don't do anything until Joey is safely out of the house. I don't necessarily blame Payola for being nervous - anyone on the block should be nervous - but as of right now, chances are that she'll be staying in the house.

Now, Caleb takes his HOH duties very seriously and likes to recap the agony of his decision to anyone and everyone who'll listen. Finally, Derrick speaks up and tells Caleb that his job is over now. There is nothing more for him to do this week, but lay low. Naturally, Caleb didn't like hearing this. He wants to talk ad nauseam about how "the house" wanted Joey up on the block and how "he didn't have a choice", blah blah blah. Dude, stick a cork in it! Derrick is right. Your job is done. Chill.

The rest of the day was fairly low key with most of the house sunbathing, napping and Caleb reminding everyone just how misjudged he is. Not a day goes by when Caleb doesn't remind us how all of his life, even as a baby out of his mother's womb, people have judged him for his tattoos. Why, in preschool, the teacher would put a dunce cap on him and send him to the corner because she was offended by his tramp stamp. And when young Caleb tried to join the Boy Scouts of America, they slammed their doors in his face. Wanna know why? Because of that pesky "No Tribal Tattoos" rule. That's why!

But if we fast forward to the wee hours of the morn, we find what we've been waiting for. For days Caleb has been planning on professing his love to Amber. He was going to do it Friday, then Saturday, and it just never panned out. Well, grab yourselves a rape whistle, kiddies, because we finally got our scene!

At about 2am we find Caleb and Amber up in the HOH room. The scene begins...

Caleb: "Um, I like you OK."
Amber: "OK"
Caleb: "You and I have already been over how neither of us want to have a showmance in the house."
Amber: "Ooookayyy..."
Caleb: "To me, showmances are things that happen on TV and then that's it. That's how I see a showmance."
Amber: "Yeah."
Caleb: "Showmances are for 9 million people to see for a very short time."
Amber: "Right."
Caleb: "And that's not how I see you. I don't see that."
Amber: "No, no, no. I don't do showmances."
Caleb: "Good. Cuz I don't either."

Dude, that's her telling you she doesn't want a romance with you!

Caleb: "But... *adjusts his hat and laughs*, I don't know if I'm seein' what I'm seein' or if I'm seein' somethin' incorrectly. (Yes, incorrectly) But... *giggles* it sounds cheesy, but... *laughs some more*"
Amber: *starts laughing*
Caleb: "I don't know, it's just funny. I haven't had this conversation in like over 4 years."

It is at this point that I crawled underneath my couch and carefully peered out through my fingers as Caleb began to tell Amber how he sees her differently than he sees other people. Other than her being gorgeous, he likes it when he sees her reading the Bible and giving other people scripture. He likes that she has morals. Amber shifts uncomfortably on the bed and thanks him, "Thank you. Those are very kind words."

Run Amber, run!

Caleb tells her that this is all very simple since neither of them want a showmance. He awkwardly adjusts his hat again and tells her that there's a certain way she looks at him and she does it all the time. She's not alone though because he leers, I mean, looks at her all the time too. He says they're both always looking at each other and everyone in the house notices it. For example, she glances over his head to wave at the person behind him while, let's say, he crawls on his hands and knees staring up underneath the shower door at her.

Hearing all of this, Amber is completely confused. She denies looking at him differently than she looks at everyone else. Caleb simply shakes his head and tells her that she's wrong. Wrong! She definitely looks at him differently and everyone knows it.

Caleb continues and tells her that there is a totally a vibe between them that they'll happily continue when this is all over and he's chopped her appendages off so she can't run away. Amber scratches her head and replies, "This is all news to me."

And then this is the face Caleb made.

His voice cracks and he asks, "It is?" After a solid second and a half of listening to the voices in his head, Caleb confidently poo-poo's Amber's insistence that NOTHING AT ALL is going on and tells her that he started liking her when he started to see who she really is - a Bible reader!

Amber says nothing as he continues and relays how when he talked to Payola for those 5 hours the other day about Amber, she was stunned to discover just how romantic and sensitive Caleb really is. It takes a dedicated man to chain a girl up in his basement.

Caleb then tells Amber that he wants to date her in California and take her to the movies or whatever people do in California. Do they hang out of trees and watch girls change in their bedrooms in California? Probably. It's a pretty progressive state. He continues and tells her that he wants to know more about her than he already knows - like where she'll be every minute of the day, what she thinks about, everyone she speaks to. That's all he's saying really. He reminds her that this isn't just him. EVERYONE in the house is speaking about their love too.

Amber listens to all of this and really has nothing to say in response so Caleb continues. He then tells her how he gets vibes (in his pants) from her whenever he walks into a room that she's in. Not only does he get vibes (in his pants), but she immediately leaves the room just as he's entering it. He tells her that it must be because she doesn't want everyone else to know how her loins are burning for him.

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Amber then carefully clears her throat and apologizes to him for leaving the room when he enters. She didn't realize she did that. Caleb quickly reminds her that she indeed does and that it is because of her insatiable lust for him. She may not realize it, but he does and that's all that matters. In a tiny voice, Amber again thanks him for his kind words. She then gets fidgety on the bed and tells him that she's incredibly thirsty. She moves to get up, but he pins down her ankle with his hand. Amber says, "I'm really thirsty. I just want to be everyone's friend." Caleb says, "At least your head is somewhere (and will be safely stuffed in the HOH fridge shortly). That's all that matters."

Amber laughs and tells Caleb that he's being so awkward. (Watch yourself, girl. He'll cut your tongue out if you laugh at him.) Caleb replies and says that she's the awkward one because she's continues this masquerade of denying her love for him. Amber then tries to head for the door, but Caleb stops her and says that he heard through the grapevine that she said something about having a date with him. Amber literally has no idea what the hell he's talking about. Caleb insists she said it to various people in the house. Amber admits to saying something about Hayden and Nicole dating but not her and Caleb. Finally, as Caleb moves his hands to adjust his camo hat, Amber darts out the door and disappears into the night.

And scene!

Was it good for you? Oh my god, that was so painful. I feel like I need a shower or something.

Later, Amber tells the girls that Caleb professed his love to her and how she felt so awkward. She says, "I don't like him!"

And then Jocasta laughed and made this face. Thank you Jocasta. We all needed that.

And that's where we'll end this for today. Is Joey a goner? Should Amber lock her door at night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And seriously, do the free trial. I can't wait to see how Caleb explains all of this to his brahs.

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  1. This was brilliant!

  2. That scene was so painful to watch. I bet Amber becomes enemy number 1 from now on. This is going to be good. Great blog as per usual. I think you have nailed Caleb pretty accurately. Creepy dude.

  3. was that 2am this morning? Because I am dying to watch that from between my fingers. Instead of going crazy I think he is going to turn into a puddle of sadness and/or sacrifice himself for her and leave the game. GOD I hope that happens, I would love for him to interrupt Julie right before Amber gets evicted (wk 3?) and leave instead. Something along the lines of "I'll wait for you" then proceeds to camp out in the parking lot sending planes with messages over the house and watch her 24 hours a day of feeds.

  4. Do you think production are noticing this yet?
    Or would a kidnapping in the house just be "super for ratings"?
    Anything to top last year!!

    Well done LaLa, looking forward to the next one already =)

  5. You sound like one of them women libers, Amber is knees over nipples in love wit me, No women can resist my chainsaw. I'll have you know I turn down the Nobel Prize for Modesty cause it wooda interfered with my international modeling career. I'll be wearin her skin by Fall.

    I think Diva and Flunkie had butt sex in my bed last night.

  6. I had to read the Caleb/Amber scene in fits and starts because it was SO painfully awkward and I was struggling to keep my laughter muffled in my office at work XD Upon leaving the BB house, Amber might want to enter the witness protection program because Caleb seems incapable of hearing her words. He will go down with this ship!

  7. feedsters, how is caleb doing today?

  8. Hopefully Amber and Caleb don't end up in sequester alone together. That would be creepy and scary for Amber!

  9. I cannot finish dinner because I can't stop laughing at: "And this is the face Caeb made."

  10. OMG. So awkward. I'm experiencing vicarious embarrassment. Amber, you in danger, girl.

  11. this is one of your best blogs yet. i just watched this a couple of hours ago and felt myself wanting to look away but the awkwardness of it all made me keep watching. even worse, he has now began to make up his own story about this conversation and believes she has true feelings for him (she just doesn't want to show it until they get out). he also thinks she hugged him when she left (he tells everyone this)

  12. Colette, you've outdone yourself! Marvelous!!!