Thursday, July 3, 2014

House Meeting!

There are several phrases in the English language that excite me. "Gin & Glitter" is a big one. "Happy Hour" is another. "Buy one get two free," "Free gift with purchase," and "Double cash back" are also on the list. But one of my absolute favorites, and I'm sure it's yours too, is "House Meeting!" House Meetings in Big Brother are melodramatic narcissistic clusterfucks that typically do more harm than good which is why I hold them near and dear to my heart. And wouldn't you know it, we had one of these precious gems last night. So much for my day off. Let's recap, shall we?

Let me preface this by saying that I have no idea what precipitated this House Meeting. Today being my day off, I didn't exactly watch the feeds... AT ALL yesterday. This new batch of HG's lacks the deliciously controversial excitement I cherished so much back in BB15 and since I firmly believe in taking part in tasks that only add to my overall enjoyment of life, watching these knuckleheads sunbathe isn't exactly at the top of my list.

Alright, so let's start at the very beginning. Diva (Devin), wearing a ski cap in the summer, stands at the head of the room patiently waiting for everyone to gather around him to listen to what he has to say which I think we can all agree will be gobbledygook. Diva The Douche scans the room carefully counting and asks, "Is this everybody?" Someone assists him in counting heads and they realize that Payola (Paola) is still missing. I suggest that she was hiding under one of the beds in an effort to avoid having to listen to Diva pontificate, but that's neither here nor there.

Payola finally rounds the corner, rubbing her eyes, and screeches, "What?!" Frankie sighs, "We're having a House Meeting."

Once Payola sits her ass down, Diva begins, "Alright I just want to get some things off my chest. Excuse me if I get emotional." And then he starts to cry. His mouth contorts into that "I'm not gonna cry!" ugly face we've all worn at some point. Let it be known that it's SO awkward when that face is on an enormous man-child like Diva. Diva continues, "This is no game play. This is all real talk. You can take it for what it is. You don't have to respect me for it." Come again? Dude, NO ONE RESPECTS YOU.

Diva continues, "Coming into the house, I wanted to revolutionize the way we play Big Brother." *raises hand* But Douche, I thought you said that this wasn't about game play. Bzzz! Gank! Zrrrp! Revolutionize it, how? By being a big man baby who makes everyone observe his daughter's birthday for a solid week of solemn remembrance. Get the fuck out of here, d-bag.

Oh Jesus, and then the blubbering starts, "I wanted to come in here and play the most honest and integral game that has ever been played." I'm going to stop you right there, Douchey Diva. Honest, how? By going behind your alliance's back and recruiting new members? By making your brah feel like shit? By LYING to a good man (Donny) who couldn't do anything mean if his life depended on it? Honest like that? Oh, ok. Just checking.

And then he really starts to hiccup and gasp. The tears! The evil vicious tears! He then pauses, exhales loudly and looks around the room where everyone is riveted by the train wreck taking place in front of their very eyes. (Side Note: As we've seen in the DR, Diva fancies himself to be a master gamer. I'd bet my life on all of this being a dramatic ruse. Oh, I'm sure he means everything he's saying, but I think we'll see on the CBS broadcast that he'll go into the DR and claim this was all strategy and part of his grand master flash plan. Mark my words.)

Diva then prattles on about his daughter... "my daughter... my daughter... my daughter... the only thing I care about is what she thinks of me when I leave here." It's a shame you didn't worry about the 'roid DNA she has now inherited. Way to prioritize!

Dickhead Diva then says that he entered this house where some of the "greats" have played and how it has just now dawned on him that even the "greats" had to deceive at times. *eyeroll followed by tumble off the couch* And then finally we get to the meat of the issue. Diva says that he's already spoken to Donny, but he wants everyone to know that he was the one who forced Caleb's hand into nominating Donny last week and that Caleb had nothing to do with it. Watch out buddy, I don't think Caleb will take too kindly at the insinuation that you forced him into something.

Diva continues and says that he was scared that Donny wasn't who he said he was and that over the last 4 or 5 days, he's finally gotten to know him and it breaks his heart that he has passed judgment on Donny. In Diva's heart, no amount of money, $500,000 or $500,000,000 is worth compromising his integrity. *ahem BULLSHIT!* Integrity? What integrity? And then he said something like, "blah blah flergle blah my little daughter gorple durdle blah."

Valley girl douche goes on, "I've told you about how I was in rehab and how that was my rock bottom. Joey, if you go home, it's just a game. When I go out that door, I'm not going to bend over... " *giggles* Yes you will. And until he goes out that door and doesn't bend over, he's going to crush every competition. Grrrowr! And if he ends up going out that door, he's going to go out holding his head up high, ok? He literally said, "Ok?" Like what? Like you're addressing your constituents and don't they dare question you, ok? Like we should take you at your word, ok? No one likes you! How about that? OK???

Diva the Douchemaster just wants everyone to know that from here on out he's going to play the most honest game (more honest than all of YOU) and he's going to be the most integral person. *snickers* That's the second time he's misused the word "integral." He's going to be integral inside and outside of this game because he's NOT going to walk out of here and NOT be a role model for people who watch this game and truly can't differentiate between reality and not. *scratches head* Huh? Ok first off, Diva, you are not a role model and you will never be so let's just get that out of the way. As to people who watch the game, which would include myself, I know very well the difference of reality and fiction. I also know that what I'm watching right now is the biggest load of shite I've ever seen. How's that for reality?!

He continues, "My daughter... scrofle loogen drutle. My daughter... ghort yomer hrugen." Dude, you're embarrassing that poor girl. Shut up! "And when she plays this back 15, 20 years from now, I want her to know that I didn't compromise my integrity for anyone, ok?" Not another "ok!" "I feel so bad for what I did to Donny." Oh shut up. "Out of everybody here, everybody knows that Donny is the kindest man in this world. He's the most caring, most generous, most giving person." Get ready for this next part... "And he may not have a lot to give, you know (this is where he motions to his upper body), physically." Ha! Oh my god. That. Just. Happened. "But he has so much to give in wisdom and in heart and that means more to me in this game." No one cares about you! Your daughter has already petitioned to have a new daddy at this point. "And I just want to say that I'm very very sorry to each and every one of you because that was my decision to do that and Caleb went along with it cuz I forced his hand (no you didn't) and I just told him that it was the right thing to do. I can understand if you guys are upset or disappointed (none of them care!), but all I can do is just be honest." And then he cried like a little bitch.

Alright, I need to go kill myself right now. Fucking hell. That was brutal.

So, what did you think of that clusterfuck? Can I take tomorrow off instead? It is a holiday after all. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Subscribe to the Big Brother Live Feeds


  1. Great god almighty! Didn't he just wrap himself up in ribbons for the next eviction. He has now proven himself untrustworthy.

  2. What makes this even weirder is that prior to calling the house meeting, Devin had a tense conversation with Amber, and his meddling in the Amber/Caleb situation was coming to light. If the meeting had been to let him come clean about THAT, it would have at least made a tiny bit of sense. The Donny stuff was completely out of left field.
    And can his nickname be amended to Diva the Douche? Perfect!!

  3. Thanks for the recap I tried to watch but heard the "blah blah flergle blah my little daughter gorple durdle blah." and decided he had no right to speak and fake cry. So I went back to the hostage situation in the beehive. Everything is back to normal with CalebMarie and Amber. He's in his fictional relationship she has pepper spray in one hand and her rape whistle in the other.

    I think in Diva's mind he's auditioning for the WWE. He wants to be "The Rock" his hero. He could be "The Roid" defender of Daughters and men with little balls.

  4. Having heard your voice on the podcasts, I read this with your voice in my head. Brilliant. You crack me up LaLa!!!

  5. oh.dear,god..... that was cringe-worthy, like The Office with Ricky Gervase, where you spend most of the time watching thru your fingers wondering, did he really just say that?!?!?
    .... awesome job recapping....your nicknames are the best, and when you add to them, sheer perfection!
    thanks for a most enjoyable read :)

  6. But what did DONNY do during all this?!?! I have to know! Lol

    1. Diva went in and woke Donny up to confess to him before he held the meeting. Donny said "It's alright (or something along those lines" and went back to sleep (but probably was awake in his bed listening).
      Caleb and Amber also did not attend, they were in the Beehive *making up*.
      It was a crazy clusterfuck of a night!

      PS- The best part for me is Zach despising Victoria and making it known to the feeders (and half the house).

  7. Ugh... What a completely ridiculous moron! I can't stand to watch his arse anymore and I pray to all the Gods that he is sent home packing next. I too am dying to know what Donny was doing during this. I think Donny's game was just helped tenfold.

  8. Because I view Diva as you do, this was priceless! Reading the above, I was with every eye roll, spill off the couch, giggle and head scratch. This guy has serious issues. And that is exactly why he was cast.

  9. Diva is a fucked-up mess. I think he was afraid Caleb & Amber were going to figure out that he caused all the BS about Amber saying Caleb was all about himself.
    Give Diva his steroids & let Caleb lose it already.

  10. I used to read but they only update about once a week. Useless site. Found your site and you are funny as hell. Great updates. Keep up the good work!

    1. Welcome! Glad you stumbled upon me and my shenanigans. You also might enjoy the Big Brother Gossip Show as well. You can download it for free on iTunes or stream it online via Stitcher or We record ever Saturday night at 10pm.

  11. I'm convinced Donny is Mr. Rodgers. The nicest, calmest person I have ever seen on BB. It's no wonder bipolar Devin can't trust him. In his book, anyone who isn't bat shit crazy must be a diabolical genius.

  12. This has got to be one of your finest recaps! What I want to know is why they keep casting these flawed brothers? Is'nt there some guy out there that's got their shit together? I realize that D-bags like this guy are the train wreck you can't look away from-but Damn, just once have a normal guy. Also, I hope that asshole Caleb goes down in flames and Zack hates Victoria b/c she's close to Frankie and that's where he wants to be.

  13. What an uber dickhead, gaahdamn! He is so in love with the sound of his voice. Ugh!

  14. Lala and all the rest of the BitchyBB Gang--
    Allow me to make the case for Frankie. Isn't "snake" synonymous with "great BB player"? Or, at the very least, synonymous with "entertaining BB player"? ;) I am trés bummed that he was gunning for my boy Zach.... But Zach was COMPLETELY imploding after the "same page Bomb Squad house meeting #6432.4" and before POV. He was doing the UN thinkable , despite Frankie's rather sage advice to Zach to Stop Being Truthful! Zach, recklessly, disregarded Frank's advice and admitted to Diva that HE wants Diva out. If I were a player in the game attached to Zach, I would have been back-pedaling to distance myself from him as fast as I could. Frankie did TRY....

    Oh well, maybe I'm not so convincing, or maybe I just convinced y'all I'm a snake too. For my money, I want to see Zach live up to his early potential, but he's so NOT the liar he said he would be.... He needs to step it up with the lying and double-crossing. And he needs to eat a meal and get some sleep. In his DR Sessions he looked like a tweaker (think Waaaah-mber from BB 8) on a 3 day bender. If he and Frankie can work together, that would be very great. But if not, I'm Zach Attack all the way.

    Still, for entertainment value alone, isn't Frankie EVERYTHING?

    -- Leigh