Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I Trusted You! I Trusted You!

Love. That delicate mystery that gives us purpose and makes us feel alive. Love. That enigma that makes our tummies flip flop and our guts go gooey. Love. Sunny, bright, exciting, new. Love. Frustrating, confusing, difficult, hard. Love. Heartbreaking, bone crushing, all consuming, addicting, obsessive, paranoid... black. One second it lifts you to the highest high and the next, it crushes your soul like a steel-toed boot to the head. Spill guts, spill. All over the pavement, spill. Spill and spread. Seep into the cracks and cover this existence with your inky slime. But mark my words. Those destroyed by love's cruel injustice will rise from the sludge. They will rise with a mission... REVENGE. Let's recap shall we?

We begin with a campaign for votes. You see, Joey is on the block and has now just figured out that being on the block isn't exactly a good thing. As a BB conspiracy theorist at heart, I suspect the Diary Room has given Joey a swift kick in the ass and persuaded to plead for her life offering the HG's anything and everything to stay in the house. After all, how embarrassing that the first member of Team America (fuck yeah) gets sent home FIRST in the FIRST week of the show. Embarrassing indeed!

So Joey makes her rounds with her first stop at Christine. Since the DR probably planted the idea of negotiating in Joey's head (Remember, she had never seen an episode of BB before being recruited. Another win for Robyn Kass and her incompetent team of flunkies.), Joey asks Christine what kinds of things she should offer people. Christine tells her to offer a 3 week deal, but warns her that she has to keep whatever deal she offers.

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With a shiny new plan, Joey next hits up Caleb who, as HOH, has NO VOTE THIS WEEK. She tells Caleb that she could help people stay safe much more than that hot mess Payola (Paola) can. She then scurries over to Hayden and tells him that she'll compete to keep him safe. Am I missing something here? Is Joey a challenge beast? Underneath all that blue hair, does there live a physically fit tower of strength? I guess because she makes a similar promise to Zach who tells her that, as of now, it looks like she's going home. However, he wouldn't mind if Payola went home instead. Payola is a weak twit who can't do anything so why would he want to keep someone like that in the game?

And this brings us to the good stuff. Let's ditch Joey, shall we? Let us instead focus our attention to a love story for the ages - Caleb and Amber. Giddy and punchy from his conversation the night before from whence he declared his love for Amber and she reacted with a simple, "Thank you." - Thank you in Kentucky means "I want to devote my life to you and grow old together." - Caleb is eager to continue rehashing the conversation over and over and over and over and over again to anyone he can trap into sitting still and listening. Cornering Zach in the bathroom, Caleb repeats what happened with Amber and how she's just shy to declare her powerful longing for him because she's always got that pesky mic on. He says that when he mentioned how Hayden told him that Amber said she'd go out on a date with him, Amber denied it saying it never happened. He tells Zach that he brought it up to Hayden and said, jokingly, that either Hayden or Amber were lying to him. Hayden's reply was that it 100% happened and that Amber is lying. Oh Amber, what a shy delicate flower.

Listening to all of this, Zach does his Zach thing and simply tells Caleb that he's the "fucking man" for telling Amber his feelings. Caleb nods in response and says that it sucks that now he's stuck wondering what Amber is thinking about it all. Then he laughs to himself recalling how last night he was wondering why he was the only guy in the house going after Amber. According to Diva (Devin), no one else is going after her because Caleb is GI Joe. He's "da man" and no one would be able to compete with the man. Smiling to himself, Caleb successfully squashes all those icky anxieties and makes himself feel better. Whew! Close one.

Getting back to Joey, apparently Brittany told her that she's going to distance herself from Joey because she doesn't want to become a target next week (She already is a target. Whom she hangs out with won't change that.). Obviously, this upset Joey and Joey decided to take her anger out on a bunch of hot dogs. With her lips firmly drawn in a thin line, she sticks some hot dogs into the microwave and counts down until she can devour them. If you'll remember, Joey is a Have-Not so hot dogs are distinctly off the menu. But when the hot dogs are finally ready to be consumed - all juicy and plump and making those cute little toot noises they make when you cook them in the microwave - Joey quickly turns away from the objects of her affection and seeks refuge in the Storage Room to cry. And cry she does. For a long, long, long time.

At one point Jocasta enters which makes Joey cry even more. Jocasta doesn't say a word and simply hugs Joey rubbing her back. When they finally part, Joey sniffles and says, "They should just recruit people who've watched the show before." A truer statement has never been spoken and kudos to Joey for recognizing that she is completely out of her element and has NO idea whatsoever what she signed up for. The house is a clusterfuck for the most adept Big Brother fan. I imagine it would be a nightmare for someone who hasn't the faintest clue what the hell is going on. It's easy to make fun of Joey and criticize her for being there in the first place, but let's lay the blame on who truly deserves it. After all, it's not Joey's fault someone asked her to be on the show. Almost anyone would say, "Sure. Why not!?! That could be fun and, hey, I could win some money!" The fault lies with casting and production. It's ridiculous to throw someone who has never seen a lion into the lion's den.

Alright, back to love. Apparently the house is planning a prom. I hate this cutesy planned events - like weddings and ceremonies and whatnot - so I didn't really pay attention to when it's supposed to happen. All you need to know is that Caleb asked Amber - while she was on the toilet - to go to the prom with him. She said yes. Love!

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Speaking of Amber, there is a distinct change in her since her conversation with young Caleb. She's more chatty, more interested in the game and, dare I say, a little bit bitchy? Look, I'm always searching for a headstrong girl to root for and, as we'll see shortly, Amber is developing a sort of strategy. BUT - but, but, but - her strategy contradicts everything she claims to be - wholesome and moral and all that crap - and there's nothing I can't stand more than a hypocrite. I didn't like her when she was moral and I like her even less now that she's being a hypocrite. But I'm jumping ahead.

OK, so Amber and Christine are in the hammock together stealth whispering about everything game related. Amber thinks that Caleb and Frankie will really hard to get out of the house. Christine agrees and says that they're both scary powerful. They then talk about how Brittany is now saying she'll vote how the house votes (a few days ago she insisted she's vote to evict Payola). Christine says that if she wins HOH this week, she'll nominate Payola and Brittany. Amber agrees and says that that will probably happen every week until they're gone.

Both girls decide that they really like Donny and Amber says that he "deserves" to be there. I hate that. I hate when anyone says someone deserves to be there over another person. None of you chuckleheads deserve to be there. It's a game show! Get over yourselves.

The talk continues and Christine says that she is worried that Jocasta will go after her if she wins HOH. Amber disagrees and says that she thinks Jocasta will go after the men in the house. Speaking of men, Amber says that she's trying to be nice to Caleb and that they're not on bad terms or anything. Christine sighs and says she wishes that Caleb never had that talk with Amber last night. Amber agrees and says she can't believe he did that to her on national television. Then she says, "At least I got a box of mac & cheese out of it. And it's the good kind too." Well isn't that interesting? At least she got something out of it. That doesn't sound like a wholesome do-gooder to me. That sounds like a gold digger in the making. Here's the thing, if you claim to be good and wholesome and Christian or anything of the like and it turns out that you're not any of those things, I WILL point it out. This is why I can't stand holier than thou Christians in the game. Hypocrisy sticks to them like a bad stain.

Amber then moves on to Nicole. The two discuss weigh their options as to whom to keep in the house. They agree that Payola will never win a comp while Joey could actually win and put them on the block. The conversation ends with both agreeing that Joey will go home. Duh.

Continuing with Nicole, she next talks to Cody. Nicole is all frustrated and backed up over how BB let someone in the game who knows nothing about the game. She thinks that there is no way BB let the fans know that Joey is a total recruit. She says that we'll be too pissed off if we find out they let someone like Joey in the game. Nicole also makes sure to insist that she was never part of the girl's alliance. She makes sure to let Cody know that she turned down the offer to be in it.

Staying with Nicole, we find her now in the hammock with Caleb. Caleb is telling her that he hopes Amber will be the reason for him to move out to CA even though Amber won't reveal her true feelings for him because she's "all mic'd up." He sighs and wishes he could just get a confirmation form her. Hayden then joins the conversation and confirms that Amber did indeed say that she'd go out on a date with Caleb. Caleb says again that he'll stay in L.A. an extra week to take her out on a date and that Amber won't be truthful because she's still "all mic'd up." Caleb just wants to be very clear that all of this isn't going on in his head (yes it is). He says everyone in the house says that she likes him.

Nicole goes inside and returns with a mushroom. She offers it to the boys. Caleb declines, but Hayden takes it saying that he loves mushrooms. He then jokes with Nicole about how mushrooms are just one more thing they have in common. And this is where Caleb chimes in with, "Me and Amber have a lot in common too. We're both army brats." Oh Caleb. Poor, poor Caleb.

And this brings us to the day's denouement. Allow me to quickly set the scene if I may. We have Diva and we Caleb. Both are sitting on the edge of the hot tub swirling their tootsies around in the water. The conversation starts out innocent enough with Diva saying how much he loves the WWE and worshipped The Rock when he was a kid (Aha! No wonder he keeps trying to convince us he looks like The Rock.) Then, literally out of nowhere, Caleb stares at the water and asks, "Has Amber been hurt a lot in the past?" Diva doesn't know the answer to that, but Caleb though he heard her talk about past relationships earlier. Diva tells Caleb that it's totally OK that it's been a while since he's been in a relationship (4 years. How can we ever forget? It's been 4 years.) because when the right one comes along, he'll know it. He'll feel that spark. Hmm I don't think I like where this conversation is heading. Is Diva suggesting that Amber might not be "the one?" Oh love, you tempestuous mistress.

Caleb then looks down at his skin, "If only I was darker." Caleb chuckles softly at his own joke while Diva changes the subject trying to remember that quote about love. It goes something like, "Love is patient. Love is kind..." Caleb suggests, "Love is patient, love is kind, love is good when it's in the behind." A romantic at heart, that Caleb!

Again Caleb says he wishes his skin was darker and again Diva says nothing. You can see that something is bothering Diva, but you're not quite sure what. Caleb again laughs at his own joke and Diva finally says, "Or maybe if your name was Antoine."

Caleb then double checks with Diva that Amber's dad is African American. Diva says yeah and that a lot of women tend to look for men like their dads. And there it is! We now know where this conversation is going... down the drain. Caleb then replies, "I want to know so much more about that girl. There's a lot in there. There's a lot." I once read this book by Poppy Z. Brite called Exquisite Corpse. It's about a serial killer who takes great pride in his work. I don't know why that suddenly popped into my head just now, but there you go.

Caleb then looks longingly across the yard (at Amber I presume) and I think he says something about even wanting to know what she puts in her coffee. Diva can't take it anymore. He has to say something so he finally says, "Dude, I gotta tell you something. You can keep this between you and me, right?"

Diva: "Don't flex no more around it. Don't flex no more around it, dude."
I have no freaking idea what this means.
Caleb: "I don't ever flex."
Is "flex" code for something? I'm so confused.
Caleb: "I don't remember the last time I flexed in front of her. I mean, I don't remember."
Wait, are they talking about flexing their muscles?

After thinking for a few seconds, Caleb finally admits that maybe he does it around Diva as a joke. Diva then decides to go for a long luxurious skate around a pond. He tells Caleb that he should never have to change who he is to please someone else. He has a lifestyle that he loves and one day he'll find someone who likes him for just way the way he is. He'll find someone that he won't have to put up a front for. Diva says, "If anyone tells you that they don't like you for who you are, then they're not the person for you."

Eeek! *grabs crucifix, makes the sign of the cross, and hides under the bed... from Caleb*

Caleb laughs (kind of) too himself and says that he's flexing in front of the mirror all the time. Aha! So they are talking about flexing muscles. Weirdos. Diva reassures him that it's totally cool and that he takes pride in something he's worked hard for. Ain't nothing wrong in that, bro. Diva says that people don't understand that you have to do cardio and count calories. People just don't understand it and it's heartbreaking. *tear*

Caleb looks up and asks, "Was she saying something about me flexing in the mirror, dude?" Diva admits that Amber was talking about it, but that he told her to stop.
Caleb: "Talking about what?"
Diva: "I don't know, bro. It's none of my business. It ain't none of my business. I don't even want to talk about it, dude."
Just spit it out!

Diva continues to dance spastically around the subject and warns Caleb that they (Caleb and Amber) still have to stay tight - this here is Diva being worried that Amber not liking Caleb will fuck up the Bomb Squad.

Finally, Diva says that Amber was saying something about learning more about someone by the way they act and that she was saying all of this in front of him, Payola and some other people. Diva says he looked at her and said, "You just need to stop. You really need to stop." At this point I ran to my toolbox to grab a pair of pliers because it's obvious I'm going to have yank this shit out of Diva with torque and fulcrum and crap like that.

Diva continues and insists that he told Amber that Caleb was his boy and she needed to stop. He then says, "You know how some people just keep going sometimes?" YES! Like right now. Like this very conversation. Like YOU. Yes, goddamn it, yes!

Caleb is so freaking confused right now. He has no idea what Diva is trying to say.
Diva: "You don't do anything wrong, but that's just her perception. That's just her perception."
Diva: "She doesn't know you like I know you. She just assumes because like you're outgoing, you're boisterous, you take pride in what you do. That it's all about Caleb and I told her just to stop because she was saying it in front of people. I always got your back bro."
*jabs pliers into forehead... repeatedly*
Diva: "She was saying people need to stop about me and Caleb because I don't like him like that blah blah blah."
Diva: "I was like that's fine Amber. That's you. That's fine. I was telling her to stop. I always got your back dude."
Oh Christ, not this again.
Diva: "That's her opinion, dude. She wants someone as wholesome as she is. She’s an amazing girl. beautiful inside and out, but I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. Nobody’s perfect man.”
The silence from Caleb is deafening.
Diva: "Don’t even sweat it dude. I was trying to tell you last night. Like this is between you and me… she told me, 'I’ve never dated anyone who wasn’t Black or Mexican. When I saw you, you were my type blah blah blah.”
Oh. Shit.

And then Caleb did this...

*tick tock, tick tock* Does anyone else hear that?

Diva continues to prattle on and on about how tons of girls 1000 times prettier and better than Amber will be waiting for Caleb when the game is over. He says they'll be flooding his Facebook and Instagram.

Frankie then enters as Caleb sits in silence staring at the water. The voices and the sounds of the night and the water lapping over his feet recedes into the distance. All that is left in its place is the darkness. The inky blackness sliding over and consuming his soul. the switch has been flipped. Here we go. Are you ready for it?

I leave you with this...

So, what do you think of yesterday's events? How long before Caleb's obsession turns to anger? Can the Bomb Squad survive this? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Trust me, you do NOT want to miss when Caleb explodes. And, mark my words, it will happen. Oh yes, it will. 

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  1. Another day, another fabulously insightful (and hysterical---I hope you've managed to wrench the pliers from your forehead!) recap of the insanity we all know and willingly participated in for three months every year. Caleb and Diva seem to be competing for alpha d-bag. It's almost enough to distract me from Frankie's tired and obnoxious antics (his Russell Brand voice makes me want to claw my eardrums out). Caleb is definitely a loose cannon, but the good money is on Diva to have the first major meltdown. Anyone with his perpetually smile is hiding some seriously pent-up rage. Unfortunately for the viewers, I fear that Caleb and Diva are going to be out in rapid succession, leaving Zach (who looks so much like Dr. Will it's a little disconcerting) and Frankie to run roughshod over the crop of weak women. They'll probably drag Donnie along until the final four or even three before cutting him loose, citing the fact that he's too nice and that he hasn't pissed off anyone in the jury. Barring some major finagling on the part of Production, this season is shaping up to start off promising and wind up boring.

  2. Don't ever mention that Jezebel's name to me again. She's dead to me and if it weren't for these 24 hour cameras she'd be dead to everyone else too. My boy Diva sucker punched me in the nuts last nite with some bullshit about her only dating guys from this century. Like all women she don't know what she wants. I could straiten her out but for these damn cameras. I got more class than that. After all I am the smartest, strongest, best competitor in BB history or at least that's what everybody tells me.

    Is it just me or does Diva give off an OJ vibe and apparently Flunkie is Seth Green's brother.

  3. She's nothing but a mac and cheese digging tramp!

    1. The difference between a street walker (Kraft Mac & Cheese)and a call girl (Velveta the good stiff)

  4. What percentage of CalebMarie's HoH blog do you think will be about Amber? Also can't believe you didn't mention the Brittany/Cody conversation where he said Zack told him the day of the photoshoot that he wanted to fuck Frankie. Didn't he say he hasn't had a girlfriend since 6th grade?

    1. I didn't see it. I only write about what I see.

  5. did you hear that after that conversation this morning that caleb wants devin out as much as the rest of them? my theory is he wants either his competition gone or just doesn't believe that amber would ever say that about him and thus believes that devin is lying to his face. it sounds like a reach but well this is caleb that we are discussing